It hasn't been long since Hyosang left for Australia to look for greener pastures, but he still continues to send me letters for the past few months and I, of course, write back to him. The last letter I got from him was from two days ago, saying that he's found good friends in Australia and everyone had called him Sam.

Jin Sam.

A foreign-sounding name indeed. 

But they say that once  a person changes his name, his personality also changes. And as far as I have witnessed, I guess that statement's as true as it could get. Who knew that the doe-eyed, shy, and quiet Jin Hyosang that I grew up with would turn out to be a very outgoing and friendly Jin Sam. Or maybe he was always like that and I was just too trapped in our world to notice.

"Seokjin, the postman is here!"

And without even wasting a second, I dash to the front door and to the mailbox, looking through it as excitely as a squirrel would do in a hole full of acorns during the last days of autumn. Yes, Hyosang's letters mean a whole lot to me. Every of his handwriting would set fireworks off from the bottom of the pit of my stomach and the intensity would increase every single time it would make me feel that my chest is burning from the flames.

It was another letter from Hyosang about his adventures in Australia, and a few complaints about how the weather is too hot and how he misses the distinct taste of Korea on his food and about how speaking too much English hurt his brain. Yes, it's a trait of Hyosang to complain a lot. I guess some things don't change along with the name.

--

A year has passed and the frequency of Hyosang's letters have decresased at a noticeable level. However, I can't blame him, with all the exams coming up plus the economy has fallen faster than the drizzle of today, causing the price of sending letters overseas to increase by a lot. It's true that Hyosang is rich, but Australia's cost of living is no joke, meaning he has to pay for his lodging and food everyday, plus his tuition.

But then again, even a million reasons won't be enough to fill the void in my empty heart. It's a place, an empty spot, that only Hyosang, nobody but Hyosang, could occupy. He was that unique puzzle piece and no matter how corny or cheesy or cliche this sounds, he will always be the one.

It has become a habit since his absence, that I take out a piece of paper and scribble phrases to him, as if replying to his letters. However, I send none of them to anyone, and would sometimes soak and tear the paper into fibry bits and dump them on the bin, leaving them unrecognizable and worthless.

"Did you join the literature club or something? You seem to like writing stuff." Taehyung, a friend I met during the time of Hyosang's absence, remarked one day as he saw me scribbling phrases again. I reply with the usual 'it's nothing' while crumpling the paper and stuffing it in the depths of my backpack. A good thing about Taehyung is that no matter how curious he is, he never sticks his nose in business that isn't his. And no matter how many times he'd see me scribbling notes, it leaves a sense of relief knowing that he'll never try to find out what I was writing, just as how I would never try to find out how he feels.

However, there was that look in his eyes whenever we're together. I know that look as much as I know what the back of my hand looks like. 

It's because his eyes look the same as when I look at Hyosang.

However, I cherish our friendship too much to bring that up. And so, I go on pretending not to know and he goes on with his feelings for me.

--

The years go by and the seasons have changed for several rounds already. I've grown vertically and a little horizontally, and I've also grown mentally.

However, my longing for Hyosang didn't grow one bit. I shrunk it into something so tiny and crumpled it up like those tiny paper balls that bullies coat with saliva and shoot through straws, those kind of paper balls that hit the weaker kids, the longing was as small as that.

I forced it to be as small as that.

I graduated high school and am now studying culinary arts along with Taehyung, whom I've been dating with for more than two years. Although it's tough, I managed to work part time, do my homework, and have dates once in a while, and it's effective for me to not leave room for thought about Hyosang.

However from time to time, I find myself writing my thoughts on a piece of paper and dispose of it. That part of me did not grow up, I have to admit. But not once have I thought to myself that Hyosang would be able to read them. I woke up to reality of the fact that Hyosang, Sam, was in my life to teach me what love would be like. 

That, and nothing more.

Until the weird stuff starts to happen, that is.

It started after one unfortunate day when I had to deal with drunk people in the convenience store at night. It wasn't really a new sight to me, but that day, my patience wasn't really up for endurance training. As my shift ended, I intended to take a shortcut on the way despite the dark and the evil that lies within the darkness. On my way, a cab passed by and although it was only a few seconds, 1.618 seconds to be exact, I can still clearly see the face of the passenger inside.

Hyosang was back. And he didn't even bother letting me know.

When I got home, I locked myself in my room and turned off my phone. I out somehow and when I woke up, everything was a mess, broken bits of glass everywhere, pillows ripped and the sheets covered with feathers. Wires and papers were piled in an unchoreographed mess, some ripped and torn apart. My eyes stung and I'm not sure if it was because I hurt myself physically or emotionally.

It took me a while before I went back to school and work, and when I turned my phone back on, I received a good serving of messages from Taehyung. And at that moment, without hesitation, I told him that we'd meet up someplace quiet and peaceful.

And that was when I broke up with him.

I've been with Taehyung for two years and more than eight but less than nine months, 1.618 years to be exact. I never really realized that until then. Was it something that was meant to happen eventually? Only time will tell. But one thing I'm sure of is that it was unfair for Taehyung if I continue our relationship further when I do know that I'm still hung up on Hyosang.

Following my breakup with Taehyung, the efficiency of my functioning significantly decreased. I was going on a downhill slope where I could no longer focus on anything, my grades were failing miserably and my performance at work has observably declined. With the realization hitting me that I'm doing more damage than good, not only to myself, but as well as to those around me, I quit my job and finished my semester with very disappointing results.

For God knows how long I've been living like a wreck, locking myself up in my room and skipping meals, occasionally feasting on potato chips and the recipes of the cooking shows on television. You might say that I was on the brink of insanity but in my perspective I am completely and still utterly sane. Just a man who could not find enough strength to move on and pick up the pieces of his broken heart.

About a year or so and my parents have been worried sick of me not answering their calls or messages or emails which resulted to them coming over and picking me up. Of course they were in shock and despair as their eyes first laid on their child who was carrying the weight of their expectations, hopes, and dreams of a brighter future.

It wasn't long before they decided to take me to a psychiatrist, counselor, psychotherapist, any mental doctor of some sort. I've always wanted to retort and fight back, saying that I'm still in the right mind, but it's been months since I last had the energy to utter a single word.

And that's when things started to get crazier.

I was at the hospital, quietly observing people that passed by, some with tubes connected to their flesh, and some laid down on stretchers. The scent of medicine was all around, and so were people wearing white coats and gowns. My parents were talking to the doctor's secretary, who was quite short, and had those round glasses that complimented his cheeks. He looked pretty young to me, but then again, looks can be deceiving. However what bothered me was the ring on his finger. It glimmered in a way that made me uncomfortable, as to why, I could not explain.

"Mr. Jeon, please bring in the next patient."

I froze on my seat. Not due to the fact that we were next, but because I could not believe whose voice I was hearing.

"Mr. Kim, you're up next." The secretary said in his small voice. My parents gave me a signal and I stood up unwillingly. My steps towards the doctor's office were short and hesitant, knees wobbling to the fear that whatever I was thinking would be true. My intuition has never failed me, and I'm sure this time won't be any different.

And then he stood there before me, taller and skinnier the last time I saw him, and certainly more dignified. Another striking detail on him was the familiar-looking ring on his hand, my stomach turned and my mind has been telling me that I have seen that ring somewehre before, but things were happening too fast for me to even try to remember. My eyes widened just enough not to give my emotions away, but I'm sure he knew better. But if he didn't, I would never know for he gave away nothing of his current state.

"Good morning, Doctor Jin, I'm here to have my son checked..." I heard my mother's voice fading into the distance, along with the scenery and my consciousness of everything, as well as my feelings. The last thing I could remember were his lips that were curled up in a smile. And to be honest, even though I would never know who it was for or what emotions it held, it felt like it was a warm and hopeful but blinding ray of light.

Then I out.