- Anorexia Nervosa , 

that's the sickness that i am having ever since i was 19 years old. Here i am living in the hospital with no friends no family coming for a visit. and here i am sitting in front of a bowl of salad without touching any of it. nothing

this is my life .. this is me -

and my life is about to change ..

starting now

West Park Hospital , Crystalmill , a 21 year old girl who's fighting with sickness that has been taking over her body for 3 years now. Anorexia Nervosa or most commonly known as Eating Disorder. A once a very healthy girl who do sports a lot is now a skinny girl who barely touch her food everytime the nurses bring down a tray of food. having this sickness is never a good one , even from the start . She doesn't have a friend nor a family that comes for a visit. her parents got divorced when she was 19 and a half and somehow departed from each other's live without even care about her life. 

Her mother got married to a younger guy whilst her dad travels around the world with his new girlfriend which disgust her the most. They barely- no they don't even pay her a visit , not even once because of why? 

because she never tell her parents about her having this eating disorder when she was 19. She was in her university years when it all started and she live away from her parents. Her parents - no her dad still keeping his touch with her but never her mother. she never tell him about her living in the hospital because of her sickness. she lied to him , telling him that she's in the university , doing so great with everything. 

She can't remember when it all started and how. all she knew and remember was that every night she'd get her own finger inside and throw up after every meals she had . and things got worst when she eat less and somehow stop with everything that involves food. She doesn't feel disgust but yet she can't eat because her mind is playing with her. 

telling her to not eat anything or else she'll get fat and never get beautiful like all models out there and other more cruel words

she have been living in the hospital for almost 4 years now because the hospital refused to let her live alone because of her unstable life. they caught her few times having her fingers in and trying to throw up everything she had and they never let her go since then . they're trying to help her with this sickness but it seems like it never get any closer to the 'better' one. 

The girl never try to make friends with others patient here who all almost the same age as her , she just lock herself up in her room , doing her own thing and always have her favourite songs on. She's not like what most all the patients thought she is , they thought she's a cold , arrogant and girl that never wanted to make friends . 

they're actually wrong .

Yes she can be quite complicated sometimes but she never a cold and type of person that they thought she is. It's not like she don't wanna make friends. she doesn't believe in herself that she can get some friends because she thought she's ugly and thick that people hate it. Plus , ever since she got into university , she doesn't have any friend right from the first day , even when she tried . 

yes she tried 

but seems like everyone is disgusted with her , and makes her think that maybe her body that people disgust with . the 'thick' Jinri when the reality is that they found her weird because of her super thin body. her back bones are showing and her legs are almost like a man's arm. but Jinri never sees that on her , she see something else. 

"good morning Jinri , hows your morning going?" asked the nurse as she came in with her breakfast. Jinri look back to her and just let out a sigh "as always. morning to you" she turn around as she close her book and look at the tray the nurse brought in . there's a bowl of salad and a piece of grilled chicken that once used to be her favourite and a cup of orange juice. 

"i'm not going to eat that" she murmured and the nurse just take her records and sit on the bed next to her . she's Jinri's favourite nurse , her name is Anna and she'd been with her ever since she was admitted. "you have to Jinri.. we need to see an improvement . eat up sweety" she said before walking out from her room. Jinri heave out a sigh as she look straight to the food in front of her. 

It was hard for her to even hold the fork or a spoon . Even if she hold one of it , she never take the food up into . She gave up after short minutes and push the tray away from her and take her book from the table . She lay back on her bed and read the book once again . Looking out from her room's glass wall , she sees Nurse Anna walk out from the opposite room and she's looking at her and Jinri grin widely at her, nurse Anna then heaving a sigh before she walk away. She can get pretty scary sometimes when Jinri argue with her but she never leave Jinri's side and Jinri always love having her company 

Maybe nurse Anna is her friend after all . 

Turning her gaze away and back to her book , she read back from where she stops. Her eyes left her book when she heard a hoarse voice from outside and look at the person as he talk to some nurse at the counter, He have his one hand in his leather jacket's pocket and Jinri furrow a little when turn to look to the side. 

i've never seen him here before 

The guy nods back at the nurse and turn around as he wait for the nurse to show him the way , his eyes caught Jinri's gaze making the girl gasp and pretend to read her book , acting like nothing happen. Jinri then slowly peeking at the corner of her book and once again caught his gaze and the guy just chuckle as he shake his head a little and tailing behind the nurse and fade away. 

Sitting in the room reading books can get quite boring sometimes. The hospital have this beautiful garden at the back and all patients are allowed to go there for some fresh air. and Jinri sometimes spend her time in the garden , read more books and sometimes painting. yes she's an incredible artist when it comes to sketches , water colours and more. 

sad that her parents nor other people seen this side of her , this talent she have in her . except for nurse Anna , she knows everything about her. She close her book and take it with her as she put on her slippers and walk out from her room with a long cardigan since it can get chilly at some point. She walk out towards the elevator and pressed the down button whilst biting on her book because she's out of hands and she need to tie her hair up into a messy ponytail. 

There's only few people in the garden and most of them are older people since most of the patient her age spends more time in the game room or other rooms that related to 'teenage and adults' . She prefer this. They think she's weird that she read books more than she eat , she stay alone outside in a boring garden rather than spending her time in the theater room or game room. 

She have one passion , and that is to write and produce her own story book about life , about romance even though she doesn't have any experience on that. She loves romance book , she loves something that has drama in them because how intense it can get and sends butterflies in her stomach everytime she read the part where only in books and movies happen. fairytales. it does not exists. 

not at all. 

She quit her university and stays in the hospital , writing fantasy stories , watch romance movies and trying to understand how love works. Sometimes it can get pretty lovely and sometimes it can get super intense . obviously she'd seen tons of romance movies that involves touching and bodies connected together. She's not a kid anymore. she can do whatever she wants.

Letting out a sigh as she sit on the dry ground and resting her back on the tree trunk. the thick leaves above her give the perfect shade from the sunlight. the weather is just perfect for a picnic.  

"Miss Choi" she look back when she heard someone call out her name , only to see a nuse standing near the door with a file in her hand "weighing in 5 minutes" she said making Jinri sigh "really?" she roll her eyes when she thought she'd get at least some good time in the garden. "yes , get in now" another sigh escape her lips and got onto her feet , holding her book tightly as she walk back into the hospital. 

"i don't think there's an improvement" she murmured out as she walk next to the nurse towards the weighing corner to get her record from last 2 weeks. "even if there's no improvement , we still need to know your weight" rolling her eyes and stop before the weighing machine . "okay step on it" she take a step and stand on the weighing machine , looking straight to the numbers and waiting for it to stop and show them the numbers of her weight

"40kg .. you lose 1 kg Jinri , and that's not what we wanted" said the nurse as she write down the weight on her list. "geez what can i do? having this eating disorder doesn't really help me .. " she let out a sigh and walk away from the room and left the nurse behind. she doesn't like most of the nurse here except for nurse Anna. sometimes they say words that somehow makes her mad and it makes her hate them even more. 

"Jinri!" she look back to see nurse Anna at the counter and ask her to come over , she heave a sigh when she's just steps away from her room. "i heard from your weighing session. you lose 1 kg. what happened?" she asked . Jinri just shake her head as she rested her arms on the counter top "please don't expect drastic change on my weight. you know i can't gain weight" 

"yes but y-" "i'm kind of tired.. see you then" she excused herself when she knows that she'll start to say wise words to her that she'd heard for a year now. Getting into her room and shut the door before laying her back on the bed , staring blankly on her ceiling that's full with posters and painting that she'd done herself. 

a soft knock was her making her look down to the door and furrow to see unfamiliar figure standing outside her room door from the glass wall. "come in" she said and sit up straight when the figure turn the knob and push the door open. "um, who are you?" she asked and furrow a little as the guy walk into her room with a soft smile creep on his face . 

"you um.. you left your book back there. nurse Anna asked me to give it to you" he handed her the book and Jinri take it . "thanks"  the guy just give a soft smile to her and walk around the room in amazed , Jinri didn't say anything , she find it weird that how natural he is as he walk around her room and she found herself fine with having him in her room as he wander around. 

"oh i'm Taemin by the way" he said and turn back around to face the petite girl . "Jinri" she talk back and place her book on the table next to her bed "nice room you have here , i wish mine's like this" he said and stand near the table by the door . Jinri furrow a little and look back at him "i've never seen you here before. are you new?" the just let out a small chuckle and take one book from the shelf 

"no i'm just came here for something" he said and look at the front cover of the book . "so you read?" he asked and place back the book on the shelf "yeah , is that weird?" she asked and once again the guy laugh a little "i find it cute" a sudden shiver runs in her body and a soft shade creep on her long face. 

this is so weird.. 

"anyways , its good to know you. i'll see you when i see you" 

Another tray of gruesome looking food is set in front of her as the clock strikes 7 in the evening , it's time for dinner . as if she's going to eat it . Nurse Anna sat on the chair next to her bed and take out Jinri's file that she's been holding , and starts to write down things that Jinri will never know . she's curious about herself yet she think it's better just ignore it. 

Like the words can help her with her sickness. nothing can help her . it's useless because she's getting tired of this sick feeling living in the hospital , doing nothing. everyday is just the same , plain boring. she'd wake up in the morning when a nurse comes in , barging in with a tray of food in her hand before putting it down on the table . 

 She'd pretend to look like she's trying to eat but end up pushing the tray away when the nurse leave her room. She's go to the garden or other places that she thinks she likes because she wanted to be alone if possible and just read . once she'd done with reading , she'd trying her best to write down stories. a romance type of stories. 

There is one that explains a lot about herself , and it honestly makes it to the top in her story list because of the storyline. the way she explains the girl is totally matched with her personalities except that the girl doesn't having eating disorder. long story shorts , it resembles the old Jinri. the one that used to play sports and always active with outdoors activities . 

And the character met 'prince charming' as that's what she describes him in the story. He's a football player in his university and a very smart guy. but he's the opposite one with the girl's' character . in real life , the girl [who is Jinri] have eating disorder but in fiction world ? she's totally healthy and fine. but the guy is a different story. 

He stopped playing football because of cancer. 

Now Jinri couldn't find the reason why she made the guy having cancer because she knows that mostly when someone who's having cancer won't really have a chance to survive and the fact that she had written down almost half way of the story makes her mad , so much because it's either she make the male character die or just ... die? 

"how's your writing going Jinri?" asked Nurse Anna as she place the file away and look at the young girl who's playing with her fingers and never look up to her food. "i'm so frustrating right now" she murmured making the nurse furrow . "and why is that?" she asked and sit up straight as she wait for her to continue. She honestly love her story , 

She'd read once and she's the one who encourage Jinri to continue writing because she almost giving up last 2 weeks when she thought it's not good enough and she hates the fact that the girl is moving away from the country . "remember the male character i did?" she asked and turn her body around facing the nurse. she nods and waited once again

"i love him , i think he's cute" Jinri furrow but chuckle a little and Nurse Anna somehow feel relief to see that smile from her beautiful face. "he stopped playing football" said Jinri and Nurse Anna's reaction was priceless that it made her laugh "why?! he's so good at it . he can't just stop" Jinri turn around and take her notebook that somehow looks worn out but the inside looks great , her hand writing suits the book. "read it" she gave Nurse Anna the book and waited patiently for her to finish 

"no.. you can't just simply made him suffer" she gave Jinri the book back and Jinri just shrug . "i hate to re-write because i'm halfway done with the story. and the fact that the guy is suffering with cancer .. i have to make him die at the end" she groan and place the book back to the shelf next to her . "honey , not all patients with cancer die . miracles do happen" 

"yeah but wouldn't it be boring?" Nurse Anna just chuckle and got up on her feet with the file in her hand "it's up to you then. it's your story~" said nurse Anna making Jinri frown "you're not helpingg~" whining the girl making the older ones laugh a little "good luck Jinri" and walk out from her room . she pout as she look down to her book and sigh.

"help what?" she look up to see the guy from yesterday resting his side on her door frame and have his hands in his leather jacket's pockets. what's his name? oh yeah Taemin. Jinri didn't answer him and just read the last part where she stopped writing and sigh "what's that?" he asked as he come in and sit on the couch next to her bed making Jinri furrow "it's the um ... it's a story" he murmured without looking at him . 

He just nods and rest his back on the back rest making Jinri furrow as she look at him but he just relaxing himself and look around her room like it's totally fine with her . but she didn't say anything and just pick up a bold pen and continue writing on her book. "so it's your story then.." he murmured , got his eyes on her as she write down few words 

"yeah.." she just utter out whilst continuing writing the story . "can i see t-" "no" she cut him making the guy chuckle "okay then.." he just look at her as she write down some ideas that she think it's good but then furrow when she got to the middle part "do you need any help?" he asked but Jinri just shake her head no . it was just silence , none of them talk and Jinri's just focusing on her story but she just couldn't get more ideas . 

"die or live?" she suddenly asked making the guy look up to her from his phone. "um... die?" he furrow , didn't really get what she's trying to ask "exactly" she murmured out and heave a soft sigh , only causing the guy to chuckle a little "what?" she asked as she look back at him but he just continue chuckling and look back to his phone . 

"do you really need help on your story ? because i can help" he said without looking up to her , and Jinri just remain silent as she bit her lower lips , having her eyes on him. "okay" 

Taemin look up to her in surprised but then he give her a soft smile when she's trying to avoid the eye contact with him . "do you wanna go out? i just hate this smell of hospital" he said making the girl nods "please , i feel like i'm suffocating living in this place" he chuckles as he got up from the couch and look back at the girl who's struggling with the bed and the wires . 

He naturally help her making Jinri surprised but let him instead . "where should we go?" he asked as he walk out from the room with Jinri walking next to him . she noticed how he always have his hands in his jacket's pockets . maybe it's a habit she thought. "do you know about the garden behind this building?" she asked and pressed the down button for the elevator

"yeah i heard about it once , but never been there" he said and walk into the elevator with Jinri next to him "but then again , do you even like gardens?" she asked making the guy chuckle a little "anywhere that have fresh air would be totally fine for me" 

surprisingly , Jinri smile . 

Walking out from the hospital , Jinri take a long breath of fresh air as soon as she step out from the hospital . The garden is quiet like there's no one here and that's what makes everything great , because she hates crowded places or places where a lot of noises coming out all at the same time. "why are you again?" she asked as she sit on the bench and cross her legs together . "just visiting.." he murmured and sit next to her . 

"so can i know the content of you story now?" he asked only causing Jinri to look up to him and sigh "no pressure , i just wanted to help" he said and made a gesture for her to calm down a little. "how can i trust you? you don't look like a guy who knows everything about writing nor reading" she said causing him to chuckle and his hoarse voice sending shivers to her. 

"you wouldn't know if you don't give me a chance .. right?" he asked and arch a brow to her with a slight smirk on his face causing Jinri to bit her lower lips a little and heave a soft sigh .. "okay.." and a soft smile creep on his face as he look down to her .

He turn around facing him and cross his legs together on the bench and Jinri did the same but looking down to her book , still quite hesitating to read her story to the person she just met yesterday. Jinri bit her lips for a brief second before tells him what's the story is all about and he just listen to every singler words she said which somehow surprised her because she never thought he'll get so interested in this kind of thing , especially books. 

Guys don't like to read , that's what she knows . 

"so you're thinking of making the guy die because of the cancer he's having? yet you're not too sure about that?" he asked after Jinri told him what's the problem that Nurse Anna don't wanna help her. "exactly! i don't know how and i'm not going to rid those pages again just to re-write it" she said as she heave a sigh and look back to her book. 

"then don't . just make him die then" he said making her looking up to him , and still hesitating with what he just suggested. she couldn't make up her own mind whether to keep to guy or end up with the guy suffering and die .. "but miracles do happen you know.." he continues whilst giving her a smile . "why does everyone says that.." she groan a little and turn around making the guy chuckle 

"because its a fact. sometimes , it happens when you're not even expecting it" he said softly to her and somehow sends shiver down her spine. Jinri shake her head no a little and tapping her pen on the cover of her book as she have her eyes around the garden place . "here's an idea. why don't you stop thinking about the ending . write more about their love life , then you'll get to know whether to make the character die or live" he said and Jinri look up to him as he got onto his feet and brush his jeans with his left hand a little , before putting it back into the jacket's pockets

"i have to g-" "Ms.Choi" they both look back to the door to see a nurse standing there with a file and Jinri heave out a sigh before groaning a little "weighing in 10 minutes" and the nurse left , leaving Jinri sighing as she closes her books . He never leave , he's just standing there as he look at her taking all her stuffs with her and got onto her feet . 

"i'll see you later then .. Ms.Choi" he smile before walking away and Jinri bit her lower lips as she tap her foot a little on the ground "wait" . Taemin stops and look back at her , arching a brow as he wait "will you um.. will you help me with the book?" she asked causing the guy to smile a little and chuckle softly

"sure"

"who's that hottie" asked nurse Tiffany or more preffered as Fany . she's the second closest with Jinri. "who?" asked Jinri as she walk into the hospital and walking back to her room with nurse Fany next to her "that guy you were with just now" she tease a little with a cheeky smile on her face making Jinri rolls her eyes but chuckle softly "he's just a friend" 

"aw that " making Jinri furrow as she look next to her , to nurse Fany "if i were you , i'd totally hook up with him" that only cause Jinri to laugh. there's one thing about nurse Fany is that although she's already 31 years old , she always talk with Jinri like she's 23 . She'd mostly spend her time in her room with nurse Fany late at night , talking about love stories , romance and such. 

Apparently she knows a lot of things about romance which somehow helps Jinri a lot for her story . she'd ask and nurse Fany would tell her about love life , romance and other things because she'd experienced it more than once where Jinri had none. 

"hook up as in just kissing not.. what you think it was" Jinri just shake her head a little whilst chuckling and got out from the elevator towards her room. "do you know who's he coming for?" Jinri suddenly asked as she sit on her own bed and nurse Fany helps with the untouched food on her table "ooohh so you're interested in him" 

"no i'm not. i'm just .. asking" she place her book on the shelve and starts to change herself into the hospital's clothes. Nurse Fany just shrugs and shake her head no a little "i don't know" said nurse Fany as she take the tray with her and look back to Jinri before walking out from the room "i left a piece of small sandwich for you. weighing in 5" 

Everytime she hear that word , she'd just groan and roll her eyes because she hates it . she knows that she won't gain weight , why are they bother to even weighing her. She sit on the bed and look to her left to see a small piece of sandwich and sigh , shaking her head no a little 

+

"hey" 

She look up to see him standing there at her door frame with his hands still in his jacket's pockets and a soft smile on his face. "hi" she said and look back down to her book that she's writing . He haven't come for 3 days and he truly felt bad that the fact he promised her to help yet he haven't come back to help her with the book. 

"look i'm sorr-" "it's fine" she cut him and look up to him , shake her head a little , "it's fine" she said and look back to her book. Taemin can't read her yet , and he can't sure if she's fine with it or she's just trying to forget about it and she's still mad about the fact he didn't come for a visit and help her? "wanna go out from this place?" he asked but Jinri just shake her head no a little

"i don't think nurse Anna will let me. plus she doesn't know you" she murmured out softly but he heard her . "then lets just go to your place" he suggested. it took her a while to say yes or no and he looks like he won't give up . he's just standing there and still waiting for her answer . "okay fine, lets just go" she rolls her eyes and take her book with her . 

Taemin just chuckle as she walk out from her room , bumping onto his shoulder a little. he knows that she's somehow mad at him but he just couldn't stop chuckling at how she act right now . "you're mad. that's funny" he murmured and the elevator closed before doing down to the ground floor. "i'm not" she murmured back and walk out from the elevator leaving him behind. 

He just chuckle and shake his head a little as he look to his front , to the skinny girl who walks out fast from the elevator. The cafeteria is closed as the clock strikes 8pm and the fairy lights in the garden helps to keep the garden bright and beautiful . Jinri sits on the bench and continue writing down , scribble some stuffs at the edge of the page causing the guy to chuckle and sit right next to her 

"hows the weighing going today?" he asked making Jinri furrow and look up to him "why do you care?" he shrugs but waited for her answer anyways "i didn't gain any weight , i've been like this for 3 years now" she sigh and continue scribbling but eventually stop and close her book "look if you came here to ask about my weight , about my sickness , i think you better go" she was about to get up but he stops her "i came to help" he murmured and Jinri roll her eyes "i don't need your help . look, i don't eat . and i survived . is that a problem?" 

She take her book with her and walk away from the bench , leaving the guy behind , shaking his head and murmured "such a waste , a beautiful girl like you thought being skinny is what all people want. is what all people adore just because they want to be like a skinny unhealthy looking models" Jinri stops and look back at him 

"i just wanted to help , and wanted to help with your story. but then again you turned down my offer" he got up on his feet without looking back at her when he knows that she's still there . he brushes off some dirt and look back at her "good night Jinri" and walk away

"wait.." she walk back to him and stops in front of him . she heave a sigh before looking up to him "i'll read them for you" "and i'll help then" he smile. 

Turns out the night was more than just reading and helping. They'd open up a little bit about themselves as they spend more time talking and knowing each other more. "no you're lying" she laughs as she bend her back to the back a little as she cup with her hands and laugh at his jokes . Sitting on the bench they used to sit whenever they meet and have few books in between their legs on the bench and fairy lights ontop of them . The night is still young says Taemin when Jinri thought she should head back to her room . 

"i'm not" he laughs as he hold her hands preventing her from falling to the back. "i went to the bar and turns out it's a gay club" he said and Jinri just laughs. "and hows the gays ? hot? suits your taste ? you like them?" she chuckle as she calms down a little and Taemin just chuckle a little "i rather die" he laughs as he look at her. 

There's something about Jinri that he see , that she most probably didn't know herself too. 

"i-i better get going , it's 10 past 12 already" she said and was about to get up but he hold her hand to stop her "come on , just 30 more minutes and i'll send you off" Jinri feel a slight burn on her cheeks when his hand touched hers naturally and how he begs for her to stay. She chuckle softly and sit back down on the bench "so you beg" she chuckle making the guy shrug a little 

"i won't come back here for 2 days .. so it wouldn't hurt if we stay a little longer and have some talks right?" Jinri look up to him and furrow a little "where are you going then?" yet again he shrug . "but i'll help . don't worry" Jinri chuckle and somehow feels happy to have him helping her because she likes how the story goes now . all thanks to him . and surprisingly he read , he have few books back at his place that Jinri loves. 

"i have one last thing to tell