A little bit longer

When Luhan stepped out on the busy streets in Beijing he felt calm for the first time in ages. All around him people were rushing to get to places, no one stopping for even just a second to just look around and appreciate the view around them. They were all going somewhere, somewhere maybe far away, or maybe very close by. But they were going somewhere, that was for sure. 

Luhan was not, though.

For the first time in what felt like forever Luhan didn’t have any place he needed to go to, there was no people waiting to talk to him, or to force him to do something. There was nothing, and none. Luhan was alone.

Some might think that he was feeling sad, standing there alone, but strangely, he didn’t. Instead, he felt quite peaceful. He started out his journey alone, leaving for Korea at the same airport he got home to. And he was once more alone. And he could handle it, the loneliness. It was nice being alone.

Except, not really. 

When Luhan quit EXO it was because that he had to, he just had to. But it didn’t have to do with anyone in the group, or anything like that. He just couldn’t handle it anymore. In the beginning it had been fun, so much fun, standing on that stage. The rush of adrenaline that came every time he was performing, the happiness and the tears ehn they had their first win. All their struggles had payed of, they were finally showing the world who they were and what they could do. Luhan had thought he was going to be a singer for eternity.

The change was slow at first, and not very noticeable. Luhan didn’t even notice himself. Everything slowly, slowly started to get less exciting, less rushing, less fun. At first Luhan had shook it of as that he was juts tired, but deep down he knew that wasn’t the case. The fire that had kept him going at first just wasn’t there anymore really. 

It got worse when he realized that he was in love in one of s. To fall in love with a man maybe was accepted in some countries, but not in China and not in Korea either. And why would the boy love him back really?

Kim Minseok was an amazing person really. He was the oldest of the group, but yet so babyish, so gentle and so kind. He was very patient with al the Chinese members, never getting angry when they struggled with their Korean, he just helped them instead, working them through every difficulty with a bright smile. And yes, he lost a lot of weight because of people being mean about how he looked, but even though it was tough for him he never gave up. He kept on fighting, and never once he let the other members worry about him. He worried about them instead. Sometimes Luhan wondered, if Minseok was the real leader of EXO, since he took care of everybody else, including the struggling members.

 And that was probably the reason to why Minesok was Luhan’s best friend.

Wu Yifan was one of the tallest asian people Luhan had met in his entire life, and the fact to how he could be so tall always fascinated Luhan, and it made him wish he was tall as well. Because he looked so damn cool. Yifan was also one of the weirdest people Luhan knew. He always did crazy things, saying stuff that got you wonder if he maybe was from a different galaxy after all. But he was also amazingly calm, never faltering in his leading and he always stayed strong no matter what bad and horrible things people said about him. That he was a horrible rapper, that he couldn’t dance, and sing he couldn't do either. They constantly asked what were Yifan doing in the group really? 

People were so mean, so mean, and Luhan hated them for it. Because Kris perhaps weren’t the best dancer, but he was a good dancer, and he maybe wasn’t th best rapper, but he was a great singer. And the company had never let him sing, because his voice were sadly not strong enough to match the voices of the main vocals. His voice were better for calming solo songs. So that Yifan went solo was not surprising for Luhan. He had somehow always known that it would happen eventually. Because Yifan deserved to be noticed, but he could never be noticed in a group like EXO. SO Yifan left. 

And that was why he was one of the strongest people Luhan had ever met.

Kim Junmyeon was the leader of EXO-K, one of the most quiet people of the band. He had been training for such a long time and yet he had never been able to debut, he had always been the person who had watched his friends leave to become singers, but he always got the ”you have to practice a bit more first” speech every time. At some point he knew Junmyeon had been faltering, wondering if becoming a singer was really the thing he was supposed to do, but at the same time he never gave up. He kept struggling and kept working hard, and one day he found himself debuting in the twelve member group. 

Luhan and Junmyeon had never been really close, Luhan being Chinese and Junmyeon having trouble just to keep tabs of his head part of the band. But they were friends of course, and sometimes Junmyeon came and taled to Luhan about his hardships when Yifan had left. He had been the most sad when Yifan had left, suddenly having the leader role all to himself, and finding that he rather wanted to share it with someone. But Luhan always told him he was doing fine, and that he would keep doing fine. Because he was Kim Junmyeon, and nothing could stop him.

And that was why Junmyeon was someone Luhan admired a lot.

Zhang Yixing was a real 4D unicorn, but he was also so kind and sweet and beautiful. He and Luhan had known each other for a long time, ever since they became trainees, and Luhan remembered how happy they had been when they found out they would be debuting in the same group. That they would be together, charing hardships and happiness. 

And Luhan had been really happy to have Yixing there with him. Despite having Minesok as a best friends, it was still Yixing he talked to about his problems, together with Minseok, and it was Yixing, and Yixing only, he sometimes let sleep in his bed with him when the boy was missing home. Luhan had always felt responsible over Yixing, to protect the boy from the dangers of the world, but at the same time he knew he didn't have to protect Yixing. Because Yixing never let anything or anyone bring him down, and he never let other people deciding what he should do. He constantly flustered his managers and members letting out little secrets, but he never cared that he got scolded. ”It’s just silly little things” he always said with that pretty smile, and suddenly no one could yell at him anymore.

And that was why Yixing was the closest thing to a brother Luhan had.

Byun Baekhyun was one sassy diva, really. He knew he had a good voice and good looks. and he was never afraid to talk in interviews. He somehow took the leading role in those situations, and everyone let him do it. Because damn, he was good at it. He was funny and he knew how to brighten up the mood. But he also never knew when to shut up and sometimes said things that were a bit hurtful and mean. He always apologized afterward, though, saying that he didn't know he was being mean, and Luhan and all the others forgave him, because they knew it was true. Baekhyun never hur anyone intentionally, and he never would. He was just to nice for that. 

He was also really hard working, doing his musical as they were preparing for concerts and lots of other things. But he liked it, that Luhan knew. Baekhyun was born to stand on a stage, singing and dancing, and he probably would stand on that stage as long as he could. 

And that was why Baekhyun was one of the most stubborn people Luhan knew.

Kim Jongdae was really something special. When Luhan had first met him, he had not liked him really. He though Jongdae was too blunt, he was the biggest troll ever and he was never taking anything seriously.

Luhan had been so ashamed when he realized how wrong he had been. After they had debuted, he noticed how hard Jongdae worked, on his dancing, singing and Chinese. Luhan had thought before that Jongdae’s poor skill of dancing and Chinese was because he didn't train enough, but he then realized that his skills were poor simple because Jongdae thought it was hard. He worked his of trying to learn, but sometimes it still didn't really work out as he wanted it to. But he never gave up, he kept working and Luhan felt himself slowly starting to help the duckling boy with his difficulties, teaching him Chinese and dancing when Yixing hadn't the time. And that was when he understood how nice Jongdae was. He always told Luhan encouraging things, and he never spoke bad of anyone. Sure, he could be loud and a troll, but he was never ever mean.

And just like Baekhyun, Jongdae was born to stand on a stage. His voice was amazing, he never had any problems with whatever highnotes, and he worked hard promoting in both China and Korea at times.

And that was why Jongdae was the nicest person Luhan had ever known, and probably ever would know.

Park Chanyeol was just like Kris really tall, and he still managed to have super skinny really long legs. Luhan was so jealous of that and the other twin-tower, once more wishing to be as tall as them.

But Chanyeol was so much more than just hight, he soon noticed. Chanyeol could do practically anything. His dancing was okay, but he sang really well, his rapping was amazing, he looked good, and when he was playing instruments he just shone, just like Yixing did. The two of them always did songs together, but Chanyeol knew even more instruments that Yixing did, and he played them really really well. He always learned quickly, and his good happy virus mood almost never faltered, despite being sick. One time when Luhan had asked him how he could be so happy all the time he had simply answered ”well it’s easy hyung. I really enjoy what i am doing at the moment, music has always been my life so that i can spend my life doing something like this makes me really happy.”

Luhan had loved that answer. And that was why Chanyeol was one of the coolest people ever.

Do Kyungsoo was also really something. He seemed all nice and stud but when he went into his umma moos he got almost worse that Minseok. He had even yelled at Luhan once, despite Luhan being older, for getting too little sleep, and for eating badly. And when he went all angry like that his eyes became huge, and the stare they gave of really scared everyone in the band, except Jongin maybe (all though it had scared the out of the boy in the beginning), But he was also a really good chef, and a really caring person. He always took care of the band, and though his mood swings were dangerous he quickly went back to happy after being mad. 

And he was a totally amazing actor. His performance if It’s okay, that’s love had shocked the whole band, the hairs on their arms standing up whenever they watched it. And his voice, well, what was there to be said about his lice really. Simply just fantastic.

And that was why Kyungsoo was one of the most determined people Luhan knew.

Huang Zitao was such a cry baby. He was afraid of practically everything, bugs, ghosts, showering alone. He was too old for being afraid of the lat part, but no one had the heart to really yell at him for it. The need for Zitao to have someone close by was rooted in much deeper memories, memories of a bullied little boy who got mugged in the toilets and laughed at in the showers for being so scrawny. When Zitao had noticed his band members didn't laugh, that kind of etched itself into his mind. And that’s how he came to find comfort in having people there when he showered. And even though Luhan had never showered with him, he had sometimes stood outside the door, causally talking to the boy. 

But the bullied little boy had learned martial arts, and he had learned not to care what other people thought. He still cried from their comments sometimes, but he never really took it in. He just brushed past it like it was nothing, and in a way, it was nothing.

And that was why Zitao was one of the bravest people he had ever had the privilege to meet. 

Kim Jongin was a really good dancer, one of the best dancers in Luhan’s opinion. His body just had that special flow, that not many people got, and whenever he danced Luhan felt mesmerized by the movements of Jongin’s body.  

But Jongin was so much more than dancing, though. He was hardworking, always practicing, always pushing to be better than before, to be the best, really. At the same time he still understood he couldn't be the best, but as he had told Luhan ”I might not be the best, and i might never be, but that doesn’t stop one from trying.” 

Luhan had agreed with him. And it made Jongin happy. Dancing was his way to relieve some stress, to just let the movements of his body take over, and let the feelings disappear. Jongin had once told him that the day he lost his passion for dancing he would stop being a performer. Not that Luhan thought that would ever happen. Jongin loved it too much to let that happen.

And that was why Jongin was one of the most hard-working people Luhan knew existed. 

Oh Sehun, what to say about you really? 

There are so many things, not all of them good but definitely not all bad. As an example, you can be such a brat sometimes. You are the youngest and you know it, using your power to torture you hyungs the best was you can. But at the same time you are so shy, so so shy, not daring to really tell us what it is that you really want. You learned to tell Zitao, since he became your best friend, but you still haven’t learned to tell the rest of us. A bratty shy little , but still so precious.

When we first met, i thought you were so young and baby looking, perhaps stupid coming from me, but that’s what I felt. You were so cute, and i just wanted to love you. It was a strange feeling really. But I brushed it of as a stupid thing, something not really worth thinking about, and I concentrated on becoming a hyung you could trust.

I was so glad when I noticed it had worked. That you finally trusted me enough to tell me when you wanted something, or when you felt down or tired or even just happy, and that made me so stupidly  excited. That you were close to me! I know it’s silly, really i do, but i can’t help it. You mean so much to me.

What else is there to know about you? Well, you are a tall kid with an amazing but, I know your members doesn't tell you, but they all want to touch that amazing piece of art. I think Yixing might have told you, though. That’s just how he works.

I don’t really know what this is, Sehun, and i am so sorry for this horribly written note. But i could not just leve without telling you anything of how i felt. It didn't feel right to just leave without just telling you, but i am such a coward. I don’t dare saying this infront of you, but 

I love you Oh Sehun.

Always have, and probably always will. The moment I saw you i knew, but I tried not to care about the feelings I got, but I knew alright. But I am scared. I don’t want you to get hurt, and quite frankly do i not believe that you are gay. But that’s all alright. I just wanted you to know. You deserve to know.

All though out time together might have not ended up as long as we first thought it would, i am still happy for the time we got. But I had to leave, you know I had to. I lost that fire that burns in our hearts and I do not wish to be an entertainer if I don’t enjoy it. How will people enjoy what I do, if I don’t? The feelings wont be real that way, and I wouldn’t have been able to live like that. So i left, now before it’s too late. I hope that i perhaps will get that fire back, and that i maybe once again will stand on the same stage as you and everybody else, including Yifan. I think that will make me happy. But not right know. Right know i need a break. 

Never loose your way, Sehun. Live like every day will be your last. Much love;

Luhan.

Sehun looked at the crumpled note in his hands. Tears were dripping down his face, quite sobs filled the silence around him.

He picked up the phone.

Luhan picked up after a couple of signals, still standing there in the midddle of Beijing, looking at the busy people around him.

”Hello?”

”Luhan hyung?”

”Sehunnie? Why are you calling?”

”You should have told me in person. That you love me, you know. Because i love you too.”

The line went quiet, and them Luhan let out a small whimper.

”No no no Sehun ah you can’t love me.”

”And why not hyung?”

”Because Sehunnie, people will never accept it. I know how homophobic your parents are, and i can’t say my parents are the most supporting either. They are never going to accept it Sehun. And I am not a part of EXO anymore. I am moving back to China. And you will live in Korea. It’s not going to work Sehun. You know it wont.”

The tears were dropping faster down Sehun’s face. 

”Please hyung, we can make it work. I don’t care I can handle it I..”

”NO Sehun, you can’t. We can never be together. I am sorry.”

He hung up.

Luhan looked down on his phone. He had never expected the outcome to be like this. He had been so certain Sehun was straight, he hadn’t even considered the consequences if he weren’t. So now he was standing there, rooted in the pavement, with silent tears running down his face. The love of his life loved his back. But their love was doomed.

The phone rang again. 

”Sehun please don’t it’s”

”Shut you mouth hyung and just listen. A few years ago I met a Chinese boy who were four years older than me, horrible at Korean, but still happy and cute and pretty. Everything about him was perfect and he could sing, dance and he had the looks of a god. I remember talking to him about love, and i remember what he told me. Do you remember Luhan hyung, what you said back there. Because afterwards i felt myself slowly falling for you. You were everything i had been looking for in a boy, yes in a boy, my parents aren’t happy about it but that’s how it always have been, and it’s not there decision who i will love. I pick that for myself. And i pick you.

Remember what you said hyung? That love is a power stronger than anything, and that once you find love in someone you should fight for that someone, to make that person happy. And i guess that’s what you have been doing. But right now you aren’t making me happy. You are making me cry. You are making yourself cry. And i have my own resolve in love now.

Love is something you should fight for, no matter what gender that love might be in. Love is something that will break you apart but love is also what makes you put those pieces back together. True love is rare, and not many people feel it, and even though i don’t know that you are the one made just for me I am not ready to let you go just yet. Because i am in love with you Luhan hyung and i don’t care what other people think. I don’t care what they will say. It’s time for them to accept reality, because this is how it is and this is how it always will be. Love finds it way inside, no matter how hard you try to stop it. And i wont stop it. I rather live happily with you, even if we just see each other from time to time, than live without you. So please hyung,

please please,

just say okay.”

Quiet.

Quiet.

Quiet.

”Okay.”

And then Luhan turned around on the busy streets of Beijing, now just as busy as everyone else.

He was going back to Korea, to where his heart was.

He was going back home.

Sorry mum, wont come home. Going back to Korea. Forgot something there.

What did you forget darling, that is so important you go right back?

My heart mum. My heart.

Sehun?

Yeah. How’d you know?

I am a mum. We know everything. Now hurry. Go retrieve your heart.

Luhan smiled, boarding the plane. ”I am coming Sehun. Just wait a little bit longer.”

Sehun sat on the couch in the dorm, smiling. ”He is coming back for me. I just have to wait  little bit longer.”

Author’s note;

Woow, not really sure what just ran out of me, but i hope you enjoyed it. Thank you, and comments are always appreciated and loved.