Dear Diary,

This morning, my world was shaken by a huge earthquake…Woke up only to be left scared by a message in my phone…

“Please pray for us two, Tae.”

So, it read. Deep in my gut, I knew what that’s all about. So, I purposely delayed reading the earlier messages. Went back to sleep. “A few more hours,” so I thought, “give me a few more hours to prepare my mind, my heart.” But, I knew I couldn’t. That short sentence was enough to chase my sleepiness away. After a few moments tossing and turning, I grabbed my phone and opened my messenger app. And, there it was…my biggest fear came true…

“Hi…I just want to let you be the first to know…”

“We talked again tonight and we both agreed to be committed to each other as a symbol of our devotion to God.”

“You know that the decision didn’t come easily, you know the struggle I dealt with. But, after a deep conversation, a long one, we came to a conclusion that this is His plan and we should honor that.”

“Please pray for us two, Tae.”

I read every single word one by one over and over again, hoping that I read them wrong. But, who am I kidding with? Every single word sliced through my heart like a newly-sharpened dagger. In fact, it still bleeds today. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I wanted to scream, but I mustn’t. I wanted to die, but I shouldn’t.

What I do know…I need to reply to her messages, encouraging her that she is making the right decision. I knew it wasn’t easy for her to have come to this decision, with all that had happened in the past between her parents. Not many know what exactly happened, not even me. I got glimpses of it throughout the years of our friendship, but never the full story. Yet, I saw the deep scar left within her, saw how it affected her first hand. Maybe that scar was what drew me to her. We are just two broken souls bumping to each other, finding solace in each other company.

So, I did what I must do…

“Wow! Congratulation! It’s about time, Pany ah!”

“You know you are always in my prayer.”

“Praying that this one last a lifetime *grin*”

“Happy for you.”

Damn, I felt like hypocrite writing those sentences. I’m happy…believe me when I say I’m happy for her. If there is anyone who deserves this kind of love, she is on top of my wish list. Yet, I don’t know whether I should jump in joy or kneel on the floor defeated. I don’t know why I couldn’t shake off a lingering sadness within me. And her reply didn’t help either.

“OMG, Tae, if you know the full story you will definitely say that this is indeed God’s work.”

“Yesterday, he told me his side of the story and his reasoning melt me.”

“He admitted that the coincidences that got us together were God’s tests to our faith in Him.”

“God is just too funny, you know. You’ll experience it too one day.”

“I’ll tell you the whole juicy details tonight. *squeals* Can’t wait until then. *grin*”

Usually, I grinned along with her messages. But, this time around, my lips felt heavy, too heavy. My tears were threatening to fall down by the seconds. I took deep breath and composed myself. I have a lot of things to do today. I can’t afford a break down. Besides, what power do I have over God? When she brought up the FAITH topic, all I can do was nod in agreement. I’m not that religious, but I do believe there is something powerful playing part in our life.

Sigh…Today should be a celebration…My best friend finally finds someone good enough to stick with her. We should pop a fine champagne and toast for the future. But, all I want to do is crawling back under the blanket and have a good cry. S**T. What’s wrong with me? I’m being such a jerk. Is it normal to feel this way, diary? To feel awful when your best friend is on the road to a blissful relationship.

If I go back to sleep, will it go away? Or can we turn this into a plain bad dream? Then when can I wake up and have my world back to normal again?

No. My comfortable world is changing. My safe bubble has burst. 

Now, what should I do? Find a boyfriend of my own? Should I do that, diary?  

Nah, it won’t chase away this sadness.

But then again, it will help chase out the loneliness that starts to creep back into the dark corner of my heart.

Yes, maybe it will. Maybe it help keep my mind off this horrible feeling.

But, wouldn’t boyfriend bring more trouble to my life? If I find one like Tiffany’s, then it should be okay, right? We can have our double date. We can boast about our boyfriend or complaint over them to each other.

Wait, wait, let’s think about this more thoroughly…

Hmmm….

Hey, just writing about this takes my mind off my troubles.

The more I think about it, the more appealing it gets. Maybe I should take this seriously.

OKAY.

Now I’m so determined.

Boyfriend hunting, here I go!

                                                                                                                                                Signing off,

                                                                                                                                                Torn-No-More Taeyeon

P.S. I know where’s the perfect place to start this hunt. *grin* Wish me luck, diary. Maybe next time I share you my secret again, I have just finished my double date with Fany. *wink*