2: to be like someone who isn't already taken

       “Isn't that Jiseok's brother?” 

       Every minute, every hour, every single day of my life, these were the words I was greeted with. Neighbors, teachers, classmates, even random strangers that just so happened to be walking by, each one had uttered this sentence at one point or another during the tenure of our association. Whether I had wanted it or not, this phrase was a constant companion of mine throughout the various stages of my life. 

       “Your brother is so...” Cool. Smart. Handsome. Athletic. Responsible. 

       Almost any complimentary word possible could have been used to fill in the sentence, and I can guarantee you that I've already heard them all. To say that my brother was prodigal, the eomchina* that all other kids on the block and in the family were compared to, was an understatement. He excelled in practically everything he tried, was loved by his peers, and still managed to be that humble, respectful guy that parents loved to dote on. He was never rude, barely ever argued, and - even when he got into fights at school - his reasons were always seen as justifiable. 

       “...perfect.” 

       Woo Jiseok could do no wrong.

       I, on the other hand, was not looked upon so fondly.

       Where my brother made A's, I struggled to make B's and C's. Where my brother was amazing at baseball and soccer, I was a decent basketball player with none of the foot-eye coordination for soccer and zero interest in baseball. Where he was the class representative, eventually being elected to class president, I was looked upon as the class slacker, effortlessly categorized as the troublemaker when teachers found that ‘making an example out of me’ often resulted in them ‘making asses out of themselves’. I couldn't help that I had less self-restraint and a smarter mouth than my brother. It just came naturally. 

       He was the yin to my yang and I was the sound to his silence - forever seen as the failure in light of his triumphs.

       As soon as people realized we were related, any chance that I had of establishing myself as my own person from the get-go was completely thrown out the window as all possible comparisons were made. We didn't look alike, but I could still feel the probing eyes of girls who studied my face in an attempt to see some semblance to his. I was in the normal, average classes, but I could still see teachers inspecting my papers in the hopes of finding his advanced and honors-level performance. Even the eyes of classmates widened upon the realization when they saw that even the way we wore our uniforms was different - mine being called out for violations on a consistent basis while his was seen as the model of adherence to the school protocols. 

       No matter how much everyone wanted or expected me to, I couldn't be like him. We were just too different, like two sides of the same coin, and no amount of staring or comparing would change that. It didn't stop people from trying though...

       ...myself included. 

       For a good portion of my life, I really did try to be a reflection of my brother. I mean sure, I didn't make girls swoon the way he did, and sure, I wasn't quite as good at anything as he was, but that didn't mean I couldn't try...right? And so I struggled and failed at imitating him, trying hard to settle for at least being his shadow if I couldn't manage to become his reflection, but even that failed. It was cute when I was small and admirable throughout elementary school. Even our father cheered me on with approving nods and smiles, but I could see the annoyance and resentment growing from my brother and see the sad eyes of my mother. 

       “I don't get it,” I had complained one day after coming home limping, sporting a skinned knee, average report card, and hurt pride. “Why can't I be like hyung**?” 

       “For the same reason that I can't be like my unnie***,” she had answered while tapping antiseptic on my leg, the stinging sensation making my eyes water as I flinched away. “Me and her are different people, just like you and your brother. You are your own person, Jiho. That's what make you special - its what makes you you.”  

       “But nobody likes me,” I had sulked, my hands folding into my lap as I looked away from her now probing eyes. The water in my own were now a result of forces beyond my control as I stared down at my fingers. “Everybody says he's better than me and that I should be like him. Nobody wants to be my friend unless I act like him.”  

       “Jiho,” she lifted my chin and forced me to look into her eyes, her own warming as I struggled not to let my face crumble with sniffles and tears. “You and your brother are different people, that's why I gave you different names. If I had wanted two Jiseoks, I would have named him ‘Jiseok Number 1’ and you ‘Jiseok Number 2’, but what did I name you?” 

       “Woo Jiho,” I answered with a sniffle. 

       “Exactly,” she smiled, letting go of my chin to ruffle my hair softly. “Your aunt is Misook, I am Mikyung, your brother is Jiseok, and you are Jiho. We all have different names, so we are all different people. If your friends want a ‘Jiho’ that acts like a a ‘Jiseok’, then maybe they should find a ‘Jiseok’ and you should find new friends who want a ‘Jiho’ who acts like a ‘Jiho’.” 

       “But what if nobody wants a ‘Jiho’ who acts like a ‘Jiho’?” I had pouted, hurriedly wiping my eyes when she shuffled through a box of band-aids looking for one the proper size to cover my wound. “What if nobody likes me when I start acting different?” 

       “Don't worry, someone will,” she responded in a voice filled to the brim with confidence. “You can treat it like a video game - press ‘Reset’ and search for new friends until you find some new people who like you for you.” 

       I had stared at her then as she rubbed some cream on the no-longer-stinging wound. 

       “You are your own person, so you should start acting more like yourself and less like others,” she smiled up at me as she carefully placed a series of small bandages on my knee. “Everyone else is already taken.” 

       On that day, I learned five different things: 

1) I at soccer. 

2) Language Arts was the scorn of the earth. 

3) Dr. Seuss was a pretty deep guy. 

4) My mom was a pretty awesome person. 

5) My mom was also absolutely right. 

       It was tough the first couple of weeks afterwards, but eventually I made a few friends who noticed that I was different and thought that it was pretty cool. I evolved into my own person in a way that I like to compare to that of a Pokémon rather than a butterfly, and my brother began to see me in a more positive light. We began to get to know each other and hang out, to develop an actual relationship in which we joked around and legitimately bonded rather than portraying the illusion of the shamed older brother trying to ignore the failures of his follow up or the pitiful younger brother struggling to measure up to the achievements of his predecessor. It was then, through my newfound relationship with him as well as the trials and errors I was met with through the process of making and keeping friendships, that I learned a lot of things. I learned my strengths and weaknesses, learned what kind of people I did and didn't get along with, and noticed some key differences between myself and my brother but, in the eyes of the public, it didn't matter. Despite all of the things that my friends, my brother, my classmates, and even I had learned about me, it still seemed as though no one else was willing to acknowledge the fact that I was not my brother's clone. 

       I may have been born after him, but I was not his shadow and I refused to stand in it any longer. 

       My brother was a good person who also just so happened to be good with people, always had been and probably always would be, so it was no surprise when he decided to go to college as a dual Criminal Justice and Business major. I, on the other hand, was always good with technology. Math and science were my areas of expertise and, despite what my teachers liked to believe, I had ambitions. I wanted to do something different, to leave a lasting impact on the planet so strong that no one would ever compare me to anyone else ever again. So when I went to college as a dual Electrical and Mechanical Engineering major, my brother and most of my friends weren't all that surprised. 

       The same could not be said for anyone else. 

       Still, I learned a long time ago to stop listening to the whispers of others, to stop caring about what was being said outside of my circle. I had trained myself to think this way close to the end of elementary school, had carried this thought process with me throughout middle school, and would continue to feel this way as I finished high school. I had to believe in my own worth when barely anyone else did and I had to stay true to my own goals and ideals as I persevered through the consistent stream of expectations and condescending glances. I would no longer wear a mask or let anything or anyone belittle me for not reaching or excelling past their expectations. Because, in the shared words of a famous writer as well as a nurturing mother, it was better for me to just be myself. After all... 

       “...everyone else is already taken.” 

Words to Know 

* eomchina = Korean slang for "the son of a mother's friend"; an eomchina is basically a 'perfect son that is good at everything' that a mom is always referencing in an attempt to motivate her own children to behave or perform better 

To say that my brother was prodigal, the eomchina that all other kids on the block and in the family were compared to, was an understatement. 

** hyung = a respectful suffix used by a male to address another male who is slightly older than them but that they are comfortable, friendly, or close with; does not always have to be someone that they are related to 

“Why can't I be like hyung?” 

*** unnie = a respectful suffix used by a female to address another female who is slightly older than them but that they are comfortable, friendly, or close with; does not always have to be someone that they are related to 

“For the same reason that I can't be like my unnie,” she had answered while tapping antiseptic on my leg, the stinging sensation making my eyes water as I flinched away. 

       So, that's his semi-origin story. I don't know if it's better or worse than the last chapter (I have some conflicting feelings in that area), but I hope it wasn't too bad or anything. I've been trying to figure out how to write this one for a while, but I was busy with school and other things so I couldn't really get myself to write the way I wanted to. Oh well, I've got a big test in a few days, so I'll leave you with this for now. Comments of all respectful kinds are welcome, and please subscribe or upvote or whatever when you get the chance. Also, thanks for everyone who's commented  and subscribed so far. I really appreciate it, so until next time~!  

Thanks again and stay safe, 

[-] DoMeSi