The bitter air of November reddened my cheeks as I stood in “our” spot. It was a special spot, where so many firsts had happened between us. It was the spot in which he admitted his feelings for me, the spot where we shared our first kiss and our last. It was the spot that you could stand at and look miles and miles down the river. Three months ago, we would stand here and talk about our future together, one that ended suddenly two days later. Today, I stood by myself, no arms around me to keep me warm, just me, lost in all my memories of life with him.

       I missed the safety and security of his embrace. Nothing could or would ever compare to that feeling. His arms always made me feel completely safe. I’d be scared and he’d wrap his arms around me and whisper, “Baby, I’m here.” I’d be worried about a big meeting and again without hesitation he’d wrap his arms around me and whisper, “Baby, take a deep breath. I know you, you have this.” But my favorite time in his arms was right before he’d leave for his tours. Usually this would involve dinner at home, followed by several hours of love making and falling asleep in his arms. The next morning we’d wake up and I would be wrapped up in hi embrace,  safe and secure. He would inevitably kiss my nose and smile. “Baby, “ he’d say, “I will be back soon, back to hold you in my arms.” I would smile and I would believe it, because he gave me no reason not to.

      Until the day he did. I’ll never forget it.

      "I told you not to fall in love with me. I told you this wouldn’t be easy, loving a kpop star.” He yelled in the midst of our worst fight ever. We rarely fought, but towards the end, it was nearly daily. Maybe I was asking too much of him, to be home for certain important things, like our anniversary. I knew his job was important to him, it’s all he had wanted in his life, to be a kpop king. And a kpop king he was. “Jiyong, you know that has nothing to do with my anger.” I yelled back.

     “Then why are you so angry with me babe?” He begged for an answer.

     “I’m mad because you don’t care that you missed one of the most important days in our relationship. How do you forget an anniversary? Especially a 5 year anniversary? And worst than that, you were pictured with Kiko, again?”

     “Don’t bring her up again. You know that she is merely a friend. Babe, you know that I only love you. “ Jiyong attempted in vain to comfort me, but for a change I didn’t want his arms around me.

     I don’t really remember how the break up happened. All I remember is standing in our home, him storming out and saying, “I will have my manager come by and pick up my stuff tomorrow.” There would be no more arms to hold me anymore. Three months later, those arms are holding someone else, Kiko.

     All I wanted was to be back with the man I was head over heels in love with. Yet, here I stood, lost in my memories. Which seemed to be the only think I had left.

     People tell me life is a journey. You stumble and fall and you get back up and dust yourself off. I swear most of the time I am crawling just to survive anymore. Three months later and I am still not sure how to live without him. I will stare at our door and just wait for it to open, except it never does. Ever. I wish I had a machine so that I could go back in time and not let him walk out.

     “But you did, Sunhee. You let Jiyong walk out and now you have to allow yourself to accept that outcome.” My therapist said as I laid on his couch, once again crying over Jiyong.

     “But how do I do that? I can’t reconcile the feelings I have for him. I don’t know how. He was my everything for so long that I don’t know how I will ever move on from this.” I winced.

     “Write a goodbye letter. Get it all out, mail it or don’t I don’t care, but you have got to just let it all go. Then, and only then, will you start to heal.” Mr. Kim said.

     “A goodbye letter?” I asked, for once I felt my therapist may actually know what he is talking about. “I can totally do that.”

     “Great, now go home and do your homework.” He smiled as my session finished and I walked home thinking through what I would write to Jiyong in my goodbye letter.

My Dearest Jiyong.

Hi. This is my goodbye. Not! I can't say goodbye to you. I mean, how do you say goodbye to someone whom you thought you'd be spending the rest of your life with? How? How you say goodbye to your best friend? The person you always felt the safest with? You don't! You fight for them, because you know they are worth it all, every thing, it's worth it because of how they make you feel. Jiyong, I refuse to say goodbye to you. 

I love you. 

From the deepest parts of my soul, I love you. With every fiber of my being, I love you. And that is why I will not say goodbye to you. Because I believe you are my one and only and I am going to fight like hell for you! I wish I had a time machine, Ji, to go back to that stupid night I accused you of being unfaithful. I knew then I was so wrong and yet, in a moment of anger I let my dumb brain get the better of me. I wish more than anything I could take it all back, and still be at home with you right now, instead of writing this note.

You told me not to fall in love with you. That you had no time to be in love with anyone. You said to me, 'Sunhee, I am so glad we are friends, but dont you dare go falling in love with me. I have too much in my life, I don't need a girl being all googly eyed over me.' Well sorry Ji, I did, I fell for you. Madly, deeply, head over heels, I fell for you and I don't regret it for one second. But you fell for me too. 5 years and I am convinced that our love does not compare to anyone else. 

My counselor says I should move forward, without you. There is no part of me that wants that, none. All I want is to know that you miss me as insanely as I miss you. I want so much to be in your arms again, in that safe, happy, secure, embrace of yours. It's where I felt most protected and most at home. 

I am taking a huge leap of faith here, but I am going to mail this to you. Maybe not my best idea, but I am doing it anyways. I think that is the Disney lover, all love stories are fairy tales believe in me that is doing this. I want us to have a happily ever after. 

So I ask you...for your forgiveness, for another chance. Help make this fairy tale end happily. On November 5 at 6pm I will be in our spot. The spot where we first realized our feelings for each other. The spot where you admitted your feelings to me. The spot where you first kissed me, where you told me you loved me. Please if you love me as much as I believe you do, meet  me there. Let's have our happily ever after. 

Love always, 

Sunhee

6:30 rolls around and I find myself pacing. He isn't there, there is no sign of Jiyong. Maybe I was a fool to believe that he'd actually show up. Rumors had it he had moved on to Kiko and now, now she was finding safety in his arms. Yet, I clung on to all the hope I could, wanting more than anything to hear the voice of my love one more time. I told myself, one more half an hour and then I am calling it quits. Waiting one hour for him would be long enough, so when 7:00 pm rolled around, it hit me, I'd never have my happily ever after. 

Journal, so what now? It's 8:15pm and I am here alone writing to you. He never showed. 

I'm sad now journal, I'm going to go to bed now and cry myself to sleep. 

--------

I stood up and walked slowly to my bed, the bed I had once shared with Jiyong. Tonight I was wearing his old tshirt I had stolen from him, and tonight I was alone, tears streaming down my face, realizing my life was not a Disney movie where the princess is taken away by her night and shining armor. Tonight I was simply, Lee SunHee. A half korean, have American girl who had fallen in love with a kpop king and had somehow ruined that relationship. Tonight, I would cry myself to sleep. Alone. 

I woke up suddenly at about 3 am. It was the heaviness across my my side that caused this sudden state of alertness. The room was mostly dark, a small glimmer of moonlight shining through the window and yet I could see and feel two strong, tattooed arms, wrapped around me. I slowly moved my hand to touch these arms, just to make sure I wasn't dreaming and as I did, I realized there was a note in my hand. Quietly I opened and read;

My Beautiful SunHee, 

You are forgiven. Sorry I am late getting to you. I was away and could not make it to our spot, but tomorrow, we will go there on our picnic. I've made arrangements for you to have the day off. We have three months to make up for. I love you with all that I am, sleep soundly in my arms tonight.

Forever yours,

Jiyong