I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

Jessica,

By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. I cannot be here with you anymore. I know this shouldn’t be the way for us to celebrate your first day launch of your fashion apparels but I have to stop this tonight.

Honestly, I’m really proud of you. I’m sincerely proud of your hard work and I’m as excited as you are about you being a CEO of your own fashion apparels. But I’m not happy, Jessica. You have been travelling so much that you don’t even bother to inform me where you will be. I don’t like the idea of just receiving a message from you informing that you’re in some place right now. I often become lost and embarrassed when our friends know where you are but your own girlfriend doesn’t.

I know this is your dream to become a fashion designer. You’ve worked so hard for this. But Jessica, I cannot help but feeling irked and sore that you’re putting your career first before me. Where am I in your heart right now?

Jessica, did you forget about our anniversary yesterday? We have been together for the last 8 years. Did you forget about that? Do you remember me, Jessica? Do you think of me nowadays? Why aren’t you making me feel like how you used to do before? Am I really not worth it anymore? I don’t want to complain but I’m losing my mind; my patience and my love fades with every second of my beating heart.

I love you, Jessie. But I cannot put myself through this anymore. Maybe you will hate me because I left you at the peak of your success. And I’ve always known you wanted to show it off to me; you wanted to prove to me that you can do it and I’m really happy that you did.

But I demand more than just this. I just want our simple love life back. Things change so fast and I’m suddenly a celebrity’s girlfriend. People know about us. It’s not that I don’t like it but there are just too many people who know us better than I know myself. I have to be mindful for every little step I take and I don’t wish to drag you down with me.

So, let’s just stop here before it goes spiral downwards. I wish you all the best and may you find someone who can love you better than I do.

Please take good care of yourself, Jessica. I love you. And I will miss you.

Your baby,

Tiffany Hwang

-

Jessica woke up with a throbbing headache; that blinding pain as the brain got squeezed so tightly. She almost died; she could have sworn that the headache just wanted to kill her overnight.

It had been two months since Tiffany left. There were no words; there was no goodbye but just a letter to blow her off in such malicious manner. The night Tiffany left was the same night Jessica won Best Designer of the Year award. She wanted to present that trophy to her beloved girlfriend but the latter chose to leave her behind instead.

Since that night, Jessica was no longer herself. 8 freaking years of relationship and Tiffany could still walk out of her life and cruelly left her to die in her astonishment. She wanted so much to hate Tiffany but a second without Tiffany tormented her so much.

So Jessica chose to be ignorant. She chose to be oblivious. She went on to do whatever she should do and tried to keep her mind straight. She focused on her career but no matter how much she had done; her heart yearned for Tiffany.

Two weeks after Tiffany’s departure, Jessica hung out with her newfound friends. The friends she hung out for the last couple of months before she became a full-fledged designer. She understood why Tiffany left and eventually accepted Tiffany’s rebel streak towards her.

She remembered the times Tiffany fought with her over the time she spent outside of the house. Jessica would always defend herself by saying she’s learning the ropes of becoming a designer. She wouldn’t give up that chance but all Tiffany wanted was – an hour of her precious time to sit down and have dinner together on every weekend. But Jessica couldn’t even fulfil that.

So serve her right; Tiffany had enough and walked out of her life.

Now she’s all alone; wishing she could turn back the hands of time. If she could do it all over again; she would. She would do anything to have Tiffany back in her life.

“Jessica Jung! Wake up! It’s almost 2pm now!”

Jessica’s headache was still haunting her and someone would soon. So she quickly got up and dragged herself out of the bed. She staggered her way towards the bathroom and stood staring at the mirror in front of her.

“What the . How ugly am I now?”

Jessica was taken aback to see how much her eyes have sunken. Her eyes were swollen and her skin was paler than a ghost. Her cheeks seemed to be ered inwards and she looked horrible.

“Jessica, wash up quickly.”

“Yes, I’m doing it now.”

“Hurry up, and join me in the kitchen.”

“I’m not going to eat.”

“Just meet me at the kitchen.”

“Yuri, are you going to force the spoon deep down in my throat?”

“Just go down later, will you? I’ll be waiting.”

Jessica could never really win over Yuri. That lady had a certain hold on her.  Well, it was more of Jessica’s gratefulness towards Yuri for saving her life before. Jessica had the drink of her life. She was so wasted that she couldn’t even see the ground she was stepping on. That was a week after Tiffany left her.

Jessica was in so much pain; so she went drinking to drown her sorrows. She was crying as she gulped mug after mug. She had a mixture of all sorts – beer, vodka, bourbon etc. She just took all the drinks that were offered to her.  That concoction almost killed her.  

Jessica had her last shot and then she felt her chest burning. The pain was excruciating and then she massively started to throw up all her insides. And despite emptying everything; Jessica still felt miserable. Suddenly she couldn’t breathe. Her heart hurt so badly and her left side was numb.

Her friends watched in horror as Jessica started foaming from . But someone was ahead of time. She was watching intently right from the very start. She saw how Jessica recklessly risked her life by drinking too much.  Jessica had overdose of booze in her blood stream.  

“Get away from the couch and put her there; facing down.”

The person gave quick instructions and Jessica’s friends did as they were told. Jessica was choking in her own vomit and the person didn’t think twice as she put her finger into Jessica’s mouth. She did whatever she could. But Jessica’s condition worsened and her heart stopped abruptly.

“Turn her over!”

The person immediately performed CPR on Jessica. She was so quick in actions as the crowd watched in horror. By then, music had stopped; all activities came to a halt and the bouncers were assisting as well.

“She’s breathing.”

One of the bouncers reported as he noticed Jessica was gasping.

“You got the pulse?”

“Yes, it’s faint though but she’s alive.”

“Good, put her on recovery position.”

-

“I’m Doctor Kwon. Kwon Yuri.”

Jessica was rushed to the hospital. And when she came around, she found herself on the hospital bed. Her friends told her what happened and Jessica finally got to see her saviour.

“Thanks for saving my life, Dr Kwon.”

“You’re lucky though. You could have died. Why did you drink so recklessly?”

“I was trying to mend a broken heart.”

“By drinking your life away?”

“I couldn’t think of anyway better.”

Dr Kwon frowned but she couldn’t say much anyway. She took a good look at Jessica before realizing who she was.

“Wait, you’re Jessica Jung, right?”

Jessica kept quiet.

“You won Designer of the Year.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Okay, now I know why.”

Jessica’s broken relationship with Tiffany was splashed on the newspapers. Although Jessica was tight-lipped on that, paparazzi always had a way to win against the celebrity.

“Don’t get so upset about it. You only have one life. Don’t you think you’re wasting it?”

Jessica remained silent.

“Everyone has their fair share of heart breaks. But if each one of us commits suicide after that heart break, the world is filled with lesser people.”

“Why do you care?”

“You’re my patient now. Of course I care.”

Jessica was taken aback.

-

Jessica lives with Dr Kwon. She wanted to stay away from the media. So Dr Kwon puts her up at her place and lives together with her long time girlfriend, Yoona. Yoona is a kindergarten teacher. She’s really nice especially when she learns about Jessica’s plight.

“Sica unnie, are you awake now?”

“Yes, is your girlfriend going to shove the food down my throat?”

Jessica finally made her way down to the kitchen. She met Yoona at the hallway.  Yoona chuckled softly.

“Do you think my girlfriend would do that?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“She did before, right?”

“Yes, she almost killed me.”

“But she could save you again.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. But nevertheless, she managed to reach the kitchen. She stood there, timidly.

“There you are. It’s about time.”

“I don’t want to eat. I have eaten in the afternoon.”

“That’s lunch. Now it’s dinner.”

“I don’t feel like eating.”

“Miss Jung, you have lost 15 kg in two months. That’s not really a good number. It’s not healthy to lose weight so rapidly.”

Jessica looked on blankly. She didn’t realize she lost so much weight. It didn’t feel any difference to her.

“Sit down. And I’m not cooking today.”

“Huh?”

“Someone else did. Here, eat this.”

Jessica glanced down and saw a bowl of alphabet macaroni soup. She frowned. The last time she ate such macaroni was when Tiffany made it for her. Once, she had princess-shaped macaroni soup.

“Who made this?”

“Just eat it.”

“Why?”

“For the love of god, stop asking so many questions.”

Jessica pouted her lips but nevertheless scooped a spoonful of the alphabet macaroni. She had to; Yuri was watching her intently. Jessica sighed and shoved the spoon into . She was surprised. The taste was too familiar.

“You like it?”

“Who cook this?”

“Does it perk up your appetite?”

Jessica took another spoonful then another. The taste was slowly ignited her old feelings that she had kept deep down. Tears slowly found her way to her eyes and they fell uncontrollably. But Jessica continued eating. She didn’t answer Yuri but concentrated on that bowl of macaroni soup.

The taste was so like Tiffany.

“Yuri, are you sure you didn’t cook this?”

Jessica spoke up without looking up. And when she did, Yuri was no longer in sight.

“Yuri?”

The dining area was empty. So Jessica assumed Yuri went to the kitchen. She got up and went over. There was someone at the stove but it couldn’t be Yuri. Yuri’s way taller than that person. And it could never be Yoona either. Yuri doesn’t allow her girlfriend to step into the kitchen when she’s around. She pampers Yoona a lot.

“Hey, who are you? What are you doing in Yuri’s kitchen?”

The person stopped stirring the pot of soup. And Jessica was slowly coming closer. But the person wouldn’t turn to face her. Jessica was frowning away.

“Who are you? Do you mind turning around?”

She could hear the person sighing and then slowly turned around. Jessica was stunned when she saw a familiar face smiling at her.

“Jessica..”

It was Tiffany Hwang.

-

Tiffany Hwang left for States that very night. She left with a heavy hard and her tears wouldn’t stop falling. She couldn’t make her up mind if she was doing this right. Should she leave Jessica like this?

“Come on, Tiffany. You’ll be late for your flight.”

Tiffany’s best friend, Taeyeon was urging her to hurry. Taeyeon was the one who convinced Tiffany that she should leave Jessica since Tiffany’s no longer happy anymore.

“I don’t know, Taeyeon.”

“Oh come on, she doesn’t care about you anymore.”

Taeyeon seemed annoyed as she pulled Tiffany behind her. Tiffany took one last look at her apartment she shared with Jessica before leaving this place for good.

After leaving Jessica, Tiffany was even unhappier. Her heart started to ache whenever Jessica came into her mind. She avoided the media; she couldn’t put herself through if she reads anything about Jessica. So she put her mind away; putting away her SNS accounts and avoided internet for a month.

Taeyeon tried to help her to move on; she kept urging her to get on with her life. Taeyeon even offered to be a substitute of Jessica but Tiffany wouldn’t agree.

“Oh come on; just take me as your girlfriend.”

“No, Taeyeon. That’s unfair to you.”

“What’s the unfairness about that?”

“I cannot make use of you.”

“I want you to make use of me.”

“What?”

Well Taeyeon confessed her heart. Tiffany was taken aback at first and she got really confused when Taeyeon kept persuading her to give the latter a chance.

“I promise. I won’t make you cry like how Jessica did.”

And the confused Tiffany blindly accepted it.

-

Tiffany had a hard time. She was trying so hard to get over Jessica. She felt like dying. Even with Taeyeon, her heart only wants Jessica.

“What are you doing to yourself?”

“I’m sorry, Taeyeon. This is so hard for me.”

“Why couldn’t you give me a chance?”

“I did but I love Jessica too much.”

“She doesn’t even care about you! She’s not even looking for you!”

“How could she be looking for me when I didn’t tell her anything?”

It was frustrated. Tiffany found herself hating the moments with Taeyeon because she was forcing her to get over. She knew she wasn’t being fair but her heart really wants just one person – Jessica Jung.

Then one day, Tiffany stumbled upon her local newspaper. She never knew Jessica was really popular. She saw the front page – “Designer of the Year, Jessica Jung almost died at a club.”

Tiffany was stunned. Her heart was beating so rapidly; she couldn’t breathe properly. She bought the newspaper and started reading. Her heart ached tremendously and her tears fell naturally. She finally knew. She finally understood.

Jessica Jung had a hard time since she left her.

She wasn’t herself anymore according to the report. She has lost all her zeal and passion in fashion design and had to take a hiatus from the fashion world.  Tiffany cursed herself. This was her doing. This was her stupidity that made the one she loves to give up so easily.

Jessica Jung had suffered a mild because she had spent her days drinking. She had overdose of liquor in her bloodstream that almost caused her heart to stop.

Tiffany felt awful. She felt like . She had to return to Jessica. She had to find Jessica and tell her that she still loves her.

She wants Jessica back.

-

Tiffany returned to Korea quietly. She broke up with Taeyeon and apologized profusely. Taeyeon gave up anyway.  So Tiffany left almost immediately.

She got in touch with Dr Kwon and slowly learnt about Jessica’s condition. She remembered bursting into tears when Dr Kwon mentioned Jessica’s heart stopped for 30 seconds at one time.

“Please bring me to her. I need to see her, Dr Kwon.”

“Are you coming back for her?”

“Yes, I’ve returned because I want her back.”

“Do you think you can save Jessica?”

Tiffany looked down.

“She has lost 15kg in two months. She looks like a drug addict. You might be shocked at her appearance right now.”

“All these happened because of me. I shouldn’t have left her just like that.”

“Tiffany, do you think Jessica will take you back?”

Tiffany was afraid of that question actually. She wasn’t too sure if Jessica would take her back. But she would try.

“I’ll try to win her back.”

Tiffany was determined not to give up.

-

So, the stand-off between the ex girlfriends began. Jessica just stood there; staring intently. There was no smile on her face; she was blatantly shocked and she wasn’t hiding her expression. Jessica was never good in controlling her expressions.

Meanwhile Tiffany was helplessly; desperately trying to say something but her voice wouldn’t reach . She just stood there; like a fool.

Yuri and Yoona were no longer in the house. They decided to give the two girls a chance to be alone.

“What are you doing here?”

Jessica finally spoke up after the long silence. Tiffany’s heart ached when she heard Jessica’s quivering voice. She closed her eyes and tears fell.

“I want to see you.”

“Why?”

“I miss you.”

“Do you?”

Jessica scoffed. Tiffany knew Jessica’s heart would turn cold like that. She couldn’t blame anyone but herself.

“I know I broke you, Jessica. I know you’re hurt.”

Jessica kept quiet; her eyes diverted elsewhere. But Tiffany could see tears falling from the side of Jessica’s eyes. She took a step closer; a deep breath and stood in front of Jessica.

Their eyes met. Jessica’s lips were quivering. And Tiffany was mad at herself. Dr Kwon was right. Jessica had lost so much. There was no radiance on her face anymore.

“I’m sorry.”

Tiffany whispered.

“I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have left you.”

Tiffany held her hand out and gently wrapped it around Jessica’s forearm. Jessica didn’t pull away.

“I kept cursing myself every day for hurting you like this. I wished so desperately that I could turn back the hands of time.”

Tiffany now managed to put her arms around Jessica. The lady didn’t retaliate; she just let Tiffany hold her.

“I’m sorry. I wished I could undo the pain but I couldn’t. So now I’m here; presenting myself in front of you; holding you like this; I’m ready for anything that you wanted me to do. If you want to punish me, please do, Jessica.”

“Do you think by doing that will satisfy me? Will lessen the pain?”

“I don’t know. But I’ve done more harm than you ever done to me. I don’t mind you hurting me now.”

“No, I won’t do that anymore.”

Tiffany was feeling scared when Jessica suddenly said that.

“I won’t hurt you anymore.”

“Jessica..”

“Listen, I know why you left. I was the fool. I was the one who pushed you away from me. I’ve learnt my lesson and I don’t want to go through this pain anymore.”

Tiffany was taken aback when Jessica suddenly hugged her tightly.

“Come back to me, Tiffany. I cannot live without you. I’d die without you.”

“No, I won’t let you die on me. I need you, Jessica. I’m back because I want to be with you. I want you back, Jessica.”

There were no words anymore after that. Both realized they shared the same mutual feelings of getting back. So, they decided to do something that they miss like crazy – kissing.

They kissed so passionately; forgotten about the alphabet macaroni soup; the pain and the hurt they had inflicted on each other.

This time, it was a brand new life.

And they wouldn’t give it up so easily anymore.

The scars wouldn’t heal so easily but they didn’t care anymore.

The scars are reminders of their lost love but they will.

The scars will heal as long as they have each other.

-