Of silence and broken hearts, I tried to find my way back to you. I couldn't speak since the day you left me. That moment when you announced your departure shattered my heart into millions of pieces; I can no longer fix it back.

On that very day when you first stepped into the company, to join us as a whole. A band; forever as one we will be. Together. No, that's not true at all. Our first stage, the filming of our first music video; they are all nothing but vivid memories. The words you told me no longer hold anymore meaning.

If I say that, I am just lying to myself. Even up till now, I still couldn't deny the fact that I miss all of the times we spent together; in Korea, in China, even when we are on tour. You and your manly behavior, or so you-called it; I couldn't forget it.

I would have left with you that very day you left the company. But I couldn't; I was tied down by the company. I wanted to see you for the very last time, to send you off and say, "hyung, I hope to see you soon." No, I wasn't allowed. I wanted so badly to call you this moment but my phone was taken away. My only source of happiness is gone. Just like you.

I just hope that I can rewind back time to the days where we spent almost every day of our lives teasing each other, playing games with the other members, drinking bubble tea together. Back when we do almost everything together.

Thinking about this right now, my heart skipped a beat. I wanted very much to see you but distance is an issue. So here I am, drowning my sorrows in a pub near my current house. EXO is now on a hiatus due to the lawsuits and everything else going on in that company of mine. Everyone returned back to their homes; all but me, Oh Sehun.

At least, Tao can see Kris. The korean members have each other. Don't even remind me of Jongin. That traitor left me with my own despairs to hang out with Kyungsoo. Minseok has Jongdae and me, no one. 

I downed another bottle of vodka. This is my second bottle of alcohol tonight. I cannot take this anymore. People continued to crowd around me, is it because of my hair or they recognise me? I don't know. All I want is to drink away this dull aching pain in my chest. 

The alcohol slid down my throat, leaving behind a sharp pain that seems to numb this pain in my broken heart. I needed more of this booze. The more I drink, the lesser the pain I have to feel, the higher the chances of seeing you; that is, of course, in my dreams.

Sometimes, I dreamed of meeting you again, I missed every single thing about you, even your flaws. The way your voice breaks when you hit high notes, the derps that the fans has digged out from almost everything and possibly even your feminine features that doesn't seem to differ at all through the years. Despite how many times I have criticised it, I couldn't help but just admire it all.

Some of my dreams are of you welcoming me to your place with open arms, others are of you coming to see the rest of EXO. How I wish for it to be true.

Dreams will only remain as dreams; Reality will stay as reality.

That you once told me. The past me would have thought of that being impossible but now, I felt the true meaning behind it; My dreams are all just my naivety. They cannot be realised. Naive me.

"Another bottle of this please."

The bartender passed it to me. I quickly removed the cap and guzzled the concoction. Bliss. My head started spinning, the images in front of me became blurred once again. A myraid of lovely colours and blotches of black. No, not yet. I shook my head vigorously, my head began to clear a little; not for long. I quickly gurgled the remaining content in that glass bottle. 

I dropped the glass bottle somewhere I couldn't see. I quickly got another bottle and drank it quickly. I needed more alcohol, I still cannot see my Luhan hyung. 'Hyung, where are you? I need to see you, hyung...' I kept on chanting in my head. I stayed in that same position for god-knows-how-long, the amount of glass bottles keep piling up on the table.

Blotches of blue, red, green and yellow painted my vision. And then, black. I couldn't see my hyung at all, where is he? 

Eternally black.

I woke up to white, antiseptic scent and the constant 'beeping' of the heart monitor. The only person here is the nurse who is taking my medical records; graying hair and wrinkled skin. 

"Ah, you are awake. How are you feeling, young man? You had alcohol poisoning and was admitted into the hospital last night. Seems like you had it bad. What happened?"

I couldn't talk about hyung to her, I couldn't let her know. I don't want to talk about it. I just stared blankly at her as she looked at me intently. 

"Okay... I take it as you don't want to talk about it. For now, you are not allowed to take in anymore alcohol. there is still a high amount of alcohol strains in your blood. I'll be back in a moment with your food."

And she left. Finally. 

I shut my eyes and got the rest I needed. 'Luhan...'

The next time I woke up, I saw a groggy figure in front of me. He handed my a cup of drink. It smelled a lot like vodka, it might be just my hallucination. I grabbed the cup and held it to my lips. The familiar taste burned my tongue and my throat. It is alcohol. I began thirsting for more. In a couple of moments, gone was the content of the mug.

I wanted to thank him, but when I look up, I got the shock of my life instead.

That curly brown hair, big sparkly eyes, sharp jawline. It's him. 

Luhan hyung...

"It's okay, Sehun. I am here with you now." He gave me a breathtking smile.

"Hyung.." I uttered, still in shock.

I reached out to caress his cheek but I couldn't anymore. I lose control of my body, my hands fell. My eyelids began to get heavier by the passing seconds. The 'beeping' of the heart monitor started to go crazy. The mug fell to the ground, smashed into many pieces. I couldn't hear my surroundings. 

Except my heart beat; slower and slower. Luhan's figure began to blur.

My time is up.

Doctors surrounded my body with all sorts of apparatus, trying to get me back. But it is too late; 

I am too far gone...

Inhale; exhale; inhale; exhale. I took in my surroundings, especially the features of my brother. The same dark brown eyes that captivated me a few years back is now dead.

Goodbye, hyung; have a Merry Christmas.

---

Oh Sehun

Aged: 20

Born on: April 12, 1994

Death: December 25, 2014

"Missing Luhan."