With a sigh that allowed her to see her warm breath in the cold Winter's air, and a heavy heart pulling her down, Krystal walked down the streets of Seoul; around the neighborhood that she used to call home.

 

It had been six months, six painful, excruciating months, since she and her long-time girlfriend Amber had the fight of all fights that ended with the younger girl storming off while she shouted promises of returning for her stuff.

 

Except, she never had.

 

She regretted making said promise the moment she had stepped out the door, leaving the woman that would throw herself into the pits of hell for her Princess sitting on the couch with her head in her hands, sobbing. Ever since that day, the blonde had been avoiding her ex, pulling out every stop to ensure they were never in the same room together,  they never spoke, and they never even saw each other.

 

Recalling those painful memories; the sound of Amber's horrible crying, her pleas for the younger girl to stay---that she would do anything just so long as she stayed---made Krystal's heart clench so tight she couldn't find enough air to breathe.

 

Slowing to a stop, the blonde looked up at the apartment they'd once shared, smiling bitterly as she noticed Amber's car was missing from the parking lot. She was probably out doing her own thing, moving on and enjoying life without the younger girl's icy presence and cold personality being there to weigh her down. Amber had never been the type of person to let something hurt her for long, she always found a way to work past it. That was something that Krystal had always admired about the older girl, and even though it hurt her this time, she still carried the same admiration for the trait in her heart.

 

Shivering, Krystal began to wonder why she had even come here. She had left her parents' house with the excuse that she needed some air, and at first had just walked around her own block trying to clear her head. But her thoughts had drifted back to Amber as they had always been ever since the two separated, and she found her feet moving on their own, carrying her toward the apartment she stood in front of now. On the walk over here she had denied this, even though deep down she knew that her subconscious had led her here with a false hope that coming to the house would magically erase the fight and Amber would be waiting here for her with a dorky grin on her face and their two Chihuahuas in her arms.

 

The blonde gasped as the pain struck her again. Their two Chihuahuas...

 

Jack Jack and Gongju were, in all seriousness, their babies. Their children. Amber had bought them as a surprise, and when she brought them to the dorm to show everyone she had nudged Krystal with her stupid grin in placed and said "You're an Appa now, Ddudungie~" She had even gone as far as coming up with her own personal back story on how the real reason she left during NU ABO was because the younger girl had gotten her pregnant and the two tiny puppies were her proof of offspring.

 

Back then, the memory would make Krystal laugh until her sides hurt.

 

But now, all she could do was cry as she was once again faced with the realization of everything she had lost.

 

In the distance, a dog with a particularly yappy voice could be heard barking as the blonde huddled on the sidewalk, trying to gather herself before setting off back towards her family's house.

 

But the barking grew louder, sounding a lot closer, making Krystal lift her head and look around for the source.

 

She was shocked to see a black and tan ball of fur running towards her.

 

"Jack Jack...? Y-Yah! You were getting out through the backyard!" She shouted, remembering how Amber and her would get puzzled every time the dog would be put out in the backyard but always end up at the front door. "Come here before you get ran over!"

 

Jack Jack complied happily, jumping into her arms and her face like his life depended on it. Despite her efforts to keep them at bay, tears sprang to the blonde's eyes and were no sooner flowing down her cheeks. She missed her dogs, her home, and her girlfriend. Why did she have to start that fight? Why didn't she turn around and run back to her love the second she realized her mistake?

 

"Your Appa missed you so much, sweetie. I'm so sorry I had to leave you and your sister behind...I'm so sorry, please forgive me baby." Yet of course, the little puppy didn't even act as if he had blamed her at all, instead just enjoying the time he had with her right now.

 

Yipping at her, Jack Jack turned and tried to dart out of her arms, obviously wanting to play.

 

”No, Jack Jack. Yah, what did I tell you? No getting run over!" Krystal scolded him, lightly tapping his nose. "Why are you being the energetic one for once? Doesn't Umma chase you around the backyard all the time? Stupid dog~" 

 

She giggled when he barked back at her, deciding to just snuggle up in her arms instead. "Aww,  baby...I guess you just missed me, huh?" At his little yip she smiled, holding him in her arms for just a little longer before coming to the decision she'd put him back in the backyard and put a board over wherever he got out.

 

"He does miss you, a lot, and his sister misses you too."

 

Feeling her heart drop, Krystal lifted her head, trying her best to swallow back all the pain that came crashing back into her at the sight of the tomboy standing in front if her, her arms crossed with a solemn look on her face.

 

"And Umma doesn't chase him anymore, her heart hurts too much to even get out of bed most days. So do theirs. I've never seen two puppies lay around for as long as they do." Amber continued while she looked down at her ex-girlfriend and their puppy together with a sad look on her face.

 

Nodding, not really knowing what else to do, Krystal said the first thing that came to her head. The air felt awkward and she hated it.

 

"Ah, Jack Jack got out of the backyard somehow, there has to be a hole or something that he's using. I think that's how he kept winding up at the front door." She said, stuttering over her words. She was still refusing to meet her ex-girlfriend's eyes, scared that if she did she wouldn't be able to stop her tears from flowing. She didn't want to be reduced to that level of pathetic.

A bitter laugh escaped the tomboy. "Hah, yeah, he figures out a way to leave almost every day. Almost as if he's looking for someone..." 

 

Guilt slammed into the younger girl like a train. She hadn't even thought of how the puppies would handle her leaving.

 

Obviously, from what Amber's saying, they weren't handling it well.

 

"I can't find where he's getting out though...Wanna help? We can put him back outside, maybe he'll come to you if you call for him out here and I'll be able to see the hole from back there." The older girl proposed, the hope in her voice unmistakable.

 

Krystal didn't want to. She really didn't want to, all she wanted was to get the hell away from there as soon as possible. She didn't know what she had been wanting to happen by hanging around the front of the apartment like some saesang, hoping that maybe things would be magically fixed between her and the tomboy the second they saw each other again, but now that Amber was actually here, all the blonde could find herself thinking about was the night that had ruined everything.

 

Her entire body was screaming at her to turn around and run, possibly stopping to vomit on the way.

 

However, despite her wants to go and her fears of staying, Krystal found herself unable to do anything but nod dumbly, standing up while Amber called the little ball of fur into the house. "Lemme put him back out real quick, and then we'll look for the hole together. Okay?"

 

Again, all she could do was nod.

 

Those few moments alone again, out in the cold, sparked so many thoughts in her head that the younger girl almost fell over from the sudden rush of activity. She was so confused, just standing there by herself.

 

Amber had acknowledged her presence, and even tried to start a conversation with her, yet here they were despite all of that; Amber being inside with the children as well as the warmth the apartment provided while Krystal began to feel snowflakes pitter-patter on top of her head, left alone to drown in her own sorrows and guilt.

 

Was Amber thinking of her right now, even though she was inside the place that the blonde had come to think of as sacred, forbidden and off-limits? Despite desperately not wanting these types of thoughts, Krystal couldn't help but think them. Desperately, she wished to go back to the way things were between her and the tomboy, forgetting everything that happened in the past. By the way Amber spoke, from her implying she wanted the younger girl to stay and help her, to her remark about how her heart too much to even move; it sounded like she wanted to go back to the old times as well.

 

Krystal shook her head, ridding herself of the painful ideas full of false hope. The older girl had been left hurt, broken and sobbing the last time the younger girl had seen her. Why would the tomboy ever want her back, after she had put her through that kind of pain?

 

Amber's return startled her. She heard the back door slam open and shut, Jack Jack yipping happily in the background. "Alright Soojung, start calling for him!"

 

Sighing, Krystal nodded, feeling stupid a moment later when she realized the older girl couldn't see her. "Uh...J-Jack Jack! Come here! Come to Appa!"

 

She could hear him barking for her, but still didn't see him. Furrowing her brows, the blonde called out to the older girl. "What's he doing?"

 

The tomboy shouted back, "He's just standing there looking for you! I think he's hesitating because he doesn't want me to get him in trouble."

 

"For 's sake, Jack Jack." The blonde muttered. Then, she replied much louder; "Well then come back and look for the hole out here!"

 

"'Kay." Was her ex's only reply, then a slam of a door.

 

Then silence.

 

Scared of thinking the same depressing thoughts she had been earlier, and nowhere near any shape to deal with the flood of emotions they brought on, Krystal began to hum a song to occupy her mind.

 

"So good, so good,
Modu al jalsseonala baby.
So good, so good~"

 

She stared at the ground that was beginning to cover with snow, her heart beating faster at the memory the song provided. 

 

Amber had been hanging around with friends, bored out of her mind without a schedule during one of f(x)'s always-year-long hiatuses, when she was approached by an American wanna-be Kpop star named Chad Future. He usually made English covers of Kpop songs, but he had recently wanted to try writing song in both Korean and English. Except, his Korean skills were next to nothing, so he asked Amber to help him with writing the Korean lyrics, and eventually he asked for her to feature in the song.

 

Amber was always excited during work like this. They were a change of pace from being an always-busy 'idol', and there was more creative freedom involved. Hell, they had even shot an entire music video for the song. SM totally ed the release of said music video, but that was a different memory entirely.

 

Everyday, Krystal had come to see Amber while the filming was taking place. And God, did Amber's eyes sparkle with excitement and happiness at being able to do her thing her way. The older girl would never once complain about being an idol, no way, she was thankful for her fans and her friends she had made as a celebrity, but SM's famously-known way of treating their idols like slaves would obviously piss someone as independent and strong willed as Amber waaaaaay off.

 

A single tear rolled down her cheek as a small, genuine smile graced her pale lips. The older girl would chatter to her about every detail of the shoot, and she would invite her to meet the staff and other people that she already friends with (how the stupid llama could befriend every living being on the planet within one second of meeting them, Krystal would never be able to figure out) and they would laugh together and go out for lunch and despite the blonde's fear of large crowds or new people she was actually happy during those moments because she knew that Amber would be there to calm her fears.

 

When the tomboy walked back out the front door of her apartment, the first thing she saw was Krystal standing in the middle of the snowy sidewalk, her head hanging, her ice-blonde hair shielding her face from view. But Amber knew that posture well.

 

"H-Hey...why are you crying?"

 

The ice-blonde hair swayed left to right as the younger girl shook her head, not trusting her voice enough to give the older girl a verbal reply. At the sound of her voice more tears had began falling.

 

They had gone through so much together. Ever since Chocolate Love, the two had been in an unbreakable relationship, spawned at first by girlish curiosity that turned into overwhelming passion, dedication and love, in every sense of the word. They had worked so hard to keep it hidden from everyone. Everyday was a fight to just be able to wake up in the morning with the other in their arms. And this was how it was going to end?

 

She couldn't do this anymore.

 

"Hey, Jung Soojung! Yooo, Princess, Hello? Hey, earth to Soojung!" Came the tomboy's voice, but the blonde couldn't look at her. Her heart hurt, her head hurt, her chest was tight and her eyes were blurry with tears.

 

Flashbacks of Amber grabbing her arm, tears pouring down her red face as she begged for the blonde to stay came rushing back into Krystal's head. The desperate look in the tomboy's eyes as her tired eyes silently pleaded with her to stop, to let everything go, while her voice was screaming for her not to leave. It was as if the tomboy was begging Krystal not to kill her, although, maybe she was. 

 

Maybe Krystal had killed Amber that night, without even caring.

 

"Soojung-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Yah, Soojung-ah! Look at meeeeee. What are we gonna do about the dog?"

 

Without a word, the blonde her heel, walking back home the way she came.

 

"Wha...so you're leaving now?" Amber called, shocked. The younger girl didn't look back, only kept walking down the sidewalk as snow began to fall more aggressively than before.

 

I'm ice. I'm cold. I'm sharp. I'm cruel. Even if it hurts now, you'll be better off without me, Amber. Krystal thought, her eyes focused on the ground below her.

 

"Are you really leaving me behind again?"

 

Krystal froze in her spot.

 

Guilt immediately welled up inside of her. Her body turned back against her will, her eyes locking with Amber's.

 

The tomboy stood there, arms hanging loosely at her sides, her eyes glazed over. She was shivering due to only wearing skinny jeans and a thin sweater, making her look that much more vulnerable.

 

"Aren't you gonna stay? Didn't you come here...to come back to me? To come back to the babies?" She asked, her usual low and husky voice suddenly sounding high and shaky, like a child's. "Isn't that what you were doing?"

 

Her eyes pleading with the blonde once again, just like that night. Her voice betrayed her desperately hidden emotions, letting the younger girl know that she knew she hadn't come to reunite with her, and that it hurt her to know that, but that she was asking her to do so anyway. No, asking wasn't the word. Begging was better.

 

"I...A-Amber..." Krystal whispered, the name sounding foreign on her tongue after going so long without saying it. Her own voice beginning to waver, she finally let her tears fall without restraint. "Josephine..."

 

"What did I do this time, Soojung-ah? Why are you leaving me again?" She cried, "Why can't you come back with me and our children?"

 

"I...didn't think you'd want me to---"

 

"HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT I DON'T WANT YOU BACK?!"

 

The tomboy's scream startled both of them. Tears now stained her tan cheeks, her body shaking even more. "I never wanted you to leave in the first place! God damn it Soojung, I begged you to stay! But you turned your back on me!"

 

"I'm sorry..." Was all the younger girl could say. "I'm so so sorry..."

 

"Why did you ignore my calls? I tried to talk to you to tell you that I didn't care about the fight, and that I just wanted you back, but you never answered me. You've been avoiding me like the Plague, and what about Jack Jack and Gongju!? They miss you more than they can bear! They're depressed and---and I have to watch it knowing that there's nothing I can do because their stubborn Appa won't talk to me!" Amber shouted, her fists clenching.

 

"Yah! You think I'm not upset too?! Amber, I abandoned you. I flat-out abandoned you. So many nights during our early days, we were both terrified that this would happen. That everything would get to be too much for us to handle, on top of trying to hide a lesbian relationship from everyone, even those we consider friends and family. I would hold you after showers or in-between practice and I would promise you that I would never leave you, because you were scared that I would because you told me everything good to you always falls apart. All those years we spent together, knowing this, promising things, and I...I walked out on you anyway." Krystal said. Her shoulders slumped and her eyes finally dropped from the older girl's, her heart practically falling out of her chest, it felt.

 

The tomboy felt her frustration disappear as she watched her Princess crumble before her eyes. Her fingers uncurled, her expression softened.

 

"I abandoned you..." The blonde said again. "I left you sitting on that couch, broken."

 

Amber felt her heart skip. That may of been true, but the way she was saying it... "Soojung..."

 

"Why would you want me to come back when all I am is a lying, cold-hearted, ?" Krystal sobbed.

 

Right after she spoke, the younger girl heard the scuff of sneakers and then felt something heavy slam into her. Immediately she felt warmth, her numb nose beginning to regain some feeling. But something else was happening, her heart was beating fast, extremely fast.

 

"Don't you ever say that, don't you ever say that..." A voice whimpered weakly, wet drops beginning to fall on top of Krystal's head.

 

Amber had ran to catch up to her, and she was now wrapped up in the older girl's arms. Amber was crying, shaking her head back and forth.

 

"I'm so sick of hearing that...I'm so sick of everyone saying that..." She cried. "You are not a , Jung Soojung. You're my Princess. My perfect, thoughtful, sweet, beautiful Princess who's always been so strong and guarded in front of everyone, but for some reason you blessed me with being able to see when you were weak and vulnerable. whoever calls you a and whoever agrees with them."

 

Quivering in her warm embrace, Krystal's mind began to whirl. How could Amber say all of that, after what she did to her?

 

"But I am...I made you cry, I left you, I hurt you so much you couldn't get out of bed. I even hurt our babies." The blonde said softly, closing her eyes and allowing her face to press into the tomboy's warm chest. The tears that were soaking into her hair were returned as her own began to pour, staining Amber's cream-colored sweater.

 

"It was a mistake...It can be fixed...I told you, I never blamed you for the fight. I don't even remember what we were fighting about. I just want you to come home." Said the older girl.

 

Home.

 

The word struck a powerful cord inside Krystal's heart.

 

Slowly, the younger girl began to collapse, with the older girl following her down to the ground. They sat there together, huddled in the front yard, sobbing quietly and whispering apologies as well as forgivness. The cold eventually melted away, no longer affecting them as they were too wrapped up in the other's warmth to care.

 

It felt like a lifetime before they were alerted to the outside world, by two different barks.

 

They looked up at the same time to see one black and tan ball and one white and tan ball running toward them, barking and jumping all over them, demanding to be held.

 

"Now how the did you get out, Gongju?" Amber asked the little dog curled up in Krystal's arms, lifting her eyes to meet the younger girl's and laughing. "I forgot to check the back door."

 

"Is it still sticking?" Krystal asked, rolling her eyes when the tomboy nodded "Yeah it is."

 

"Oh my God."

 

Jack Jack wiggled underneath Amber's sweater, refusing to be exposed to the snow. "Awweh you cute little thing~"

 

"Our house is not puppy friendly, is it Gongju-ah?" The blonde giggled, nuzzling the puppy's nose. She knit her brows together in confusion when Amber looked at her, almost in shock. "What? What's wrong?"

 

"You're right Ddudungie. OUR house, is not puppy friendly." She said, giving the younger girl a small, relieved smile.

 

Realizing what she meant, Krystal blushed and nodded. She looked up at the tomboy, the relief in the older girl's eyes making her want to cry all over again, but his time in happiness. "I love you, Amber Josephine Liu."

 

Gently biting her lip, Amber felt the same rush of relief and happiness. "I love you too, Krystal Jung Soojung."

 

Leaning up towards her, Krystal pressed a soft kiss to her ex, her girlfriend's lips, shy and sweet, not wanting to chance the delicacy of the situation. It was Amber who whimpered when she tried to pull away, prompting the younger girl to press their lips together more firmly, eventually allowing their tongues to meet for a brief while before they pulled away, finally realizing the cold when Gongju tried to join her brother inside Amber's sweater.

 

"Let's go inside." Krystal said, taking Amber's hand and leading her into the house, walking through that metaphorical "Caution" tape she had once seen all over the place without a second, or even a first thought.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~The End~