I life a pretty normal life, but there is one summer, which changed everything for me. I am able to look back at it now. I have closed this chapter of my life.

I just have to tell it one more time:

The sun wakes me up; I stretch my sleepy body and open my eyes. The world is really colorful today:

The sky is blue without any clouds, the grass is green and warm, and flowers are blossoming. I tilt my head back:

Sunlight is flooding through the green leaves of the old oak, I am sitting beneath.

I love this tree; whenever my friends have class and I have none, I would sit here and read books, do homework or listen to my favorite music. The grass is soft and cushy as reach out to touch it, I smile as I see a ladybug climbing the grass blade.

It’s like fairytale,

 I have nothing else to do than sit here and enjoy every breath I take.

Summer break is coming soon, I think in two or three weeks.

After this summer break, after graduating I will go to university. I am so excited that I will take a step into my future, but I am happy to have this few weeks to swell in my timeless, little world.

 I smile and lean back my back touching the tree’s trunk. I start looking for the book I was reading as I fell asleep.

Suddenly I notice an unfamiliar guy lying like one meter away from me:

Reading my book! I move over to snatch it out of his hands and bawl at him for just taking it. But I stop and take a look at him:  He seems relaxed holding the book over his head with both arms; his skin is a little bit tanned.

Dyed blonde hair shining silvery, his eyes are fixed on the page he is reading, they are dark almost black as coals. All of a sudden he turns his head and his eyes meet mine, now they seem like a dark shade of amber brown. The color is changing in the sun light.

“Sorry for stealing your book. “To Kill a Mockingbird” don’t you think that’s a serious for this time of the year?”

I don’t like people who are criticizing my reading habits; I snatch it out of his grip.

“If you don’t like it then don’t read. And don’t dare to nick other people’s stuff ever again!”

“I didn’t say I disliked it. I was just curious which book would make you fall asleep. I have never seen you sleeping here before.”

My mouth is agape I the air in through clenched teeth.

“Are you stalking me by chance?”

He looks surprised and turns red sitting up; he scratches the back of his head thinking about how to express himself.

“No,-I er... I have just seen you a couple of times sitting here while I was passing by. That’s it.”

I should be happy with this answer but somehow I feel disappointed.

Why would such a good looking guy bother someone like me?

I pout. He chuckles. “Are you disappointed?”

I jerk up straight: “What?! No! Who would want to be stalked by a creep, like you.”

He smirks. “I always thought of myself as handsome.” He says sounding extremely conceited. I laugh out loud it’s just too funny how he swiped his hair out of his eyes and made a girly gesture.

From this time on we would meet up every day, beneath that tree at lunch time. My friends said, I had changed and hadn’t been as dreamy as before. I enjoyed the bickering, the talks about books, school, friends, movies:

Everything.

I loved his smile so real and wholehearted; he had the most perfect white teeth that I had ever seen.

But he had his flaws: On our first date he was half an hour too late, he later confessed it was, because he couldn’t decide what to wear. The movie was a romantic comedy.

We moved closer to each other and our hands would brush accidentally against each other. We laughed at the same times.

After the movie we took a walk:

The night air is refreshing after the crowded movie theater. We amble along the sidewalk beside the Han River.

The street lights bathe the path in a yellowish light; the tree’s leaves are glowing in the light. On the other bank of the Han River the skyline can be seen:

Tall buildings, skyscrapers the lights in white and red.

We enjoy the view on the river flowing slowly down away from us, the city lights reflected in the surface of the water.

“What I like about rivers is that they always end up in the ocean.

Nothing can stop them they are like the flow of the time: Taking everything away to another place, changing the surroundings constantly, never to be stopped to flow in the other direction.” 

I look at him in astonishment: “I have never thought about it like that. I always thought that they are just boring; I mean the water looks always the same.”

He stifles a laugh.

“I guess you are right.”

He smiles and takes my hand. It fits perfectly in mine.

It’s like they were made as a lock and a key, fitting perfectly together.

It took some time, but I got just to his permanently presence in my mind. I would dream of us, space out during school or meet ups with my friends.

Even if my body wasn’t with him; my heart would be all the time. I remember our first kiss really clearly. We went home together form a date that evening and crossed the park.

We sat down at the swings:

The swing goes slowly I just push a little to remain in movement. He looks at me with unreadable eyes.

“What is it? Is there something on my face?” I ask carefully he smiles showing his teeth.

His eyes form to crescent moons flashing a dark umber brown in this light.

He shakes his head and stands up and moves in front of me his broad shoulders blocking my view at the river.

He bends down and looks directly into my eyes.

He bites his lips searching in my face for….

a... permission? 

I give a little nod; the butterflies in my tommy are vehemently trying to free themselves. I have read about this in books and have seen enough movies to know how it should feel.

But even before it happens I feel like I could touch the sky.

He comes closer, his warm breath hot on my face. I can feel his smile as he presses his lips onto mine, his hand cups my face pulling me into the kiss.

I feel like my brain isn’t working properly anymore, it just took a break, leaving me alone to drown in my overwhelming feelings and emotions.

He pulls back looking into my eyes, his eyes seem clouded, but there is a question written over his face.

For a moment we stare breathlessly in each other’s eyes, and then I surprise myself as I follow his movements and kiss him again, slowly putting my arms around him to draw him deeper into the kiss.

Our tongues meet.

That was the day when we started dating officially. I couldn’t be happier at that time. We talked a lot on the phone met each other as often as possible. The day came that I visited his house:

I am really excited to meet him and his family for the first time.

I ring the bell flattening a wrinkle in my skirt. I have put all effort into looking pretty for the first time. I am curious as to how his house looks from the inside. After some seconds I hear steps behind the door and it opens.

He wears a grey t-shirt hugging his strong, lean body and bleached jeans, he is barefoot. He runs a hand through his hair that falls onto his brow.

His eyes make me feel giddy and excited like the first time we kissed.

A lazy smile creeps onto his face making him look extremely hot; too hot to be my boyfriend… 

“Come in.”

He opens the door more so I can step inside.

I take off my sandals, carefully placing them beside his sneakers. Something is strange: Why are there only his shoes and some of a male adult, but none of his eomeoni?

Four of the pairs standing have to be his, because I have seen him in those multiple of times. Three pairs seem to be his aboeji’s: mostly black leather shoes.

Not a single pair of women shoes... 

Hearing the door close I turn around, he places a kiss on my head.

“You look really pretty today.” My heart is fluttering inside my chest; I look down to hide my blush. His chuckles drive me crazy.

We enter the living room:

It’s spacious and light the furniture colored in brown and cream tones. The living room faces the garden; you can see a green meadow through the tall windows. It’s still summer and the sun is shining inside making the place even more welcoming and comfortable.

I look around to see the wooden table already set.

The kitchen forming an L is made out of flashing grey metal connects to the living room. He probably saw me coming, if he looked out of the kitchen’s window.

“Wow. You cooked by yourself?”

I sound really impressed as I see him placing a pot full of spaghetti on the table.

“Yeah. Do you think I can’t cook?”

I shake my head.

“No, but most guys can’t cook and to be honest I can’t cook as well. So I admire people, who are able to manage a meal without burning down the whole kitchen.”

He smiles at the thought of me being rescued by him from the burning house.

“I had to make meals for myself since middle school. It was the time eomma was admitted to the hospital.”

He says having a sad expression on his face. I quickly run up to him and hug him.

“I am sorry I didn’t want to remind you of such painful times.”

I can’t take the image of him as a thirteen-year-old sitting hear alone; without anybody.

I know he might seem like he is arrogant or conceited, because he is this good looking and doesn’t show a lot of emotion, but he actually is very self-contained and doesn’t talk a lot to people, he knows from school.

But he has the best and kindest personality anyone in the world could have.

He suddenly pushes away and I notice that his aboeji has entered the room;

he is wearing grey trousers, shirt and a tie holding a briefcase in his hand. He gives me a kind smile his glasses reflect the sun light. He is middle aged. His smile warm but vacant, seeming older as he probably is. All of his movements seem tired and feeble; he puts his bag next to his chair and greets me.

We sit down and eat in silence. 

"So you are the reason for my son to smile like that all day?”

Even though it’s cute what he said, if someone else had said it wouldn’t have sounded this awkward.

I flash him a pleasant smile.

“Thank you. I am very happy to be here today. It’s nice to meet you in person. He has told me so much about you already.” I answer.

The last sentence is a lie; he has never talked about his father. Some words about his mother maybe,

I knew that she has been seriously ill for some years now. I asked him once why she was ill. He just shook his head.

I understand he doesn’t want to talk about such painful things, but I always tell him he can call, whenever he wants to even in the middle of the night.

The time seems to be creeping by slowly, very slowly.

After we have finished dinner and I give him my present:

A little plant in a colorful pot for eomeoni’s hospital room.

Abeoji excuses himself to do some work thus just the two of us are left.

I actually want to leave, but he somehow senses that I am sad or upset and suggests to watch a movie. We get comfortable on the couch;

his arms around me; I snuggle against him: Just breathing his scent and hearing his heart beating; I fall asleep.

We sleep together on the sofa, as I wake up the next morning, because the sun has been tickling me;

I notice him propped up on his elbow watching me sleep with clam eyes.

My heart clenches:

There is something like pain in them.

We spent a good time together; I will never forget this part of my life. I know I hinted it already:

There are no tragedies with a happy ending.

The difference between tragedies and real life is that tragedies are never meant to happen in the real world.

Tragedies are just dramas in which the protagonist has to suffer and is brought to ruin in tragic conclusion, written by humans.

You take a normal story and exaggerate the main problem that the protagonist has, then you add some death and sadness to it, and you have finished your own tragedy.

I, however, had the chance to make this sad story into a happy one, but I failed, like I always do. I had been there I could have prevented the sad run of events.

Till today I feel like it’s my fault.

My parents and my friends say I couldn’t have done anything.

I want to believe it, my heart on the other side doesn’t, it’s easier to feel guilty and think you could have changed something, than to accept and understand that you were helpless, that fate can’t be changed.

Fate writes the real, relentless tragedies.

I look at the calendar; it’s been 10 weeks since we started to date. I clap and giggle in delight.

Today is the first time we will meet each other after entering the college. I am so happy and excited, I feel like I could jump to the moon and even farther.

 

I have spent the last hours with deciding what to wear and make up. I leave my flat, I live on the campus. We meet in our favorite restaurant.

It’s a Chinese take-away, the lights enlighten the little store as we sit down at one table outside. It has become colder, but the evenings are still beautiful. The people on the streets are wandering around without stress and destination, just enjoying the atmosphere.

I put my bag onto my lap and take a look at the menu.

He sits opposite of me, wearing a grey sweater with V-neck, you can see his collarbones.

(They are so awesome, I don’t know why, but I have a for collarbones and hands)

His hair shines silvery in the lit of the lampions and his eyes are fixed on the menu card:

“What are you going to order?”

I hum and scratch my temple in thought.

“I think the usual. Aw, no wait can we try this new dish, I think it’s 789. With curry sauce?” 

He nods.

“Yeah, sure.” and takes out his phone checking his messages.

I order and wait for him to put his phone away.

“Hey?” I ask pouting.

He doesn’t react. I try it once again;

he doesn’t even bate an eye.

Frustrated I kick his shin under the table.

“Hm, what is it?” Normally he groans in pretended pain, It’s childish, though I like it, this time, however, he just asks this stupid question.

“You are ignoring me! Why are you always on your phone?

And you don’t listen anymore to anything I say! Last time I asked you to come to my eomma’s birthday party, you said you could come, but then you didn’t even show up and didn’t apologize or sent any text explaining, why you let me down!”

He lifts his eyebrows in surprise, rubs his head and sighs.

“You know, I am not forcing you to do anything you don’t want to, but you could have said something.”

He looks at me and suddenly I notice how tired he looks, the bags under his eyes bigger than ever. Didn’t he sleep well?

After a split second this tiredness vanishes and a happy expression replaces it.

“I am sorry. I just had a lot on my mind the last few days. Don’t be angry anymore!”

He looks pleading at me, making puppy eyes.

“You know I can’t stand up against them!” I say weakly.

He laughs: “You are so easy to manipulate. I am scared that bad people or strangers take advantage of you, maybe I should be with you all the time.”

He smiles broadly;

I can’t help but smile too.

I give him one last kick against the shin (this time he groans in pretended pain) and we change the topic.

 

When we are lying in his bed and are just in each other’s near. I draw circles and other patterns onto his bare chest with my fingers or trace them along his abdominal muscles; while listening to his heartbeat,

I can’t hold it back.

“I trust you… and you can do the same with me. I’ll help you with everything; even, if everything else is breaking apart.”

Suddenly he tightens his arms around, me pressing me to him more. I feel like he is going to break me in to thousand little pieces or like he’ll never let go again.

That’s what I thought at that moment: I will make sure that our ways will never part.

After this date we met up mostly on weekends or whenever, we had time between learning, taking classes or working.

It was a hard time and I became unhappier and unhappier.

Not because of all the things I had to do; I was relieved while working, because I hadn’t had to think of him:

He wasn’t texting or calling and if I called he said he had no time or he sounded really tired and exhausted.

I asked, what was happening to him, but I always got the same answers:

“I am fine.”-

“What? You are fantasizing.”-

“There is nothing wrong; I just had a long day.”

I felt that life was being drained from him.

The cheerful and attentive boy, I had fallen in love with, was gone. I felt like the same was happening to me.  He hadn’t called in four days. I was devastated; I thought I had done something wrong. I wondered what it had been all day.

I am walking home, it’s cold; I pull the scarf tighter around my neck; the cold air is making me shiver.

I am walking along the Han River, the water is black and just the sidewalks are lucid, street lights are standing at an interval of some five meters form each other, throwing their yellow light onto the gray gravel.

The gravel grinds beneath my boots.

For me the whole world has lost its colors, I only see the grey of the city’s concrete walls and streets.

I feel empty having worked for over 3 hours after class.

All of a sudden my phone is buzzing; I hectically take it out of my bag.

It’s Tao!

Happiness fills my heart, life has come back. This split second of pure glee repays me for all the sadness from the last weeks.

“Yes.”

I take his call.

I stop walking irritated by his unsteady breathing:

He is sobbing-

My heart freezes. I can’t say a word.

“Mianheyo…

I know you maybe…- could have done something …but it is too late…

I can’t take it… anymore.

I don’t understand this cruel world!”

He is screaming the last sentence in a hoarse voice that breaks.

“Why is it taking everything from me….?”

He ends in silence; I hear nothing but him breathing.

The whole world is just me and this phone, my only, flimsy connection to him.

“It isn’t too late. I am here! … I am everything you need!”

I cry into my phone, but all that can be heard is a beep and another beep, I never heard a ghastlier sound:

He ended the call.

I drop to the ground; tears are running down my cheeks. I start sobbing.

All of a sudden I stand up and start running, running for his life. I pant as I reach the bridge; it was just some meters away.

Cars are driving past me; people are walking over the bridge, no one would notice one broken man. I push them aside.

My eyes are frantically looking for his familiar figure or silhouette.

If this had been a normal story with a happy ending, he had been sitting crouched down next to banister of the bridge, crying and waiting for me, but this isn’t a fairytale it’s a tragedy…

I can’t find him anywhere.

I start to look down onto the river, as I am on the middle of the bridge;

I believe to see something floating in the water:

It’s a dark shape almost unrecognizable in the blackish sludge of river, but the truth hits me hard:

it’s a human.

I break down; one second I want to jump; the other I clutch the railing and scream into the night.

Grieve and pain are unbearable, I clutch my head rocking back and forth.

This can’t be true, this is not true… this can not be true. 

I repeat it like a mantra over and over in my head, screaming those words again and again.

I know that he is gone;

I know I won’t see his lovely smile, feel his strong arms around me or get lost in those unbelievingly kind eyes ever again.

Gone…

Everything is blurred; my screams and the darkness everything I can perceive.

Alone…

Tao is gone.... forever

I have no recollection of what happened after this. I just know that I was found two days later lying in the park next to the bridge. My friends were looking for me everywhere.

I attended his funeral, together with his father. His mother was dead: She died on the same day of her illness.

I can’t remember very well. The only picture I have in mind; is the one of him laughing, standing on the altar in the front of the church.

His grieve was too much, he couldn’t take it. I had been there.

It was my fault. I promised to protect him. I promised I would never let him go.

And I am angry at him for just leaving like this.

 Why hasn’t he taken me with him?

That’s what I thought at that time. Today I think, he could have said goodbye, he should have talked to me one last time, before leaving.

I needed time to overcome all this. I am crying while writing this.

The memories feel so fresh, as if they were from yesterday.

It was just one summer, but it changed my life:

In summer our love blossomed and in winter our love wilted- my world became dark and cold.

It was a long and cold winter, however, even winter has to say goodbye, and then spring comes to melt the ice and banish the darkness from earth.  

 

“What are you writing?”

I am interrupted by someone; I look up and look in the eyes of the man I love.

“Aw, it’s nothing Chanyeol!” I quickly shut my laptop, so he hasn’t got a chance to read.

“What? Are you keeping secrets from me?” He asks pretending to be hurt: “How dare you!”

He starts tickling me, till I plead him to stop, the laughing makes it impossible to breathe. All of a sudden two tiny hands are tickling me as well-

Our daughter is standing on the couch, trying to imitate her father’s movements.

“Ah, eomma, Myung Soo took my Barbie!”

Another little girl with dark hair and big, teary eyes comes running, her older brother following her into the living room.

“No, she asked if Barbie can play with my cars. She gave it to me!”

“Why can’t you play like normal kids?” Chanyeol asks sounding like a nervous wreck- it’s been already four times they have fought today.

I have to chuckle: “I have an idea let’s play all together. Myungsoo you can bring your cars and Jinah you can bring your Barbies.”

Our oldest daughter and son race each other to get their toys, while I take our youngest daughter, Arah, into my arms, she giggles cutely.

I notice Chanyeol’s gaze:

There is something in his eyes that I have never noticed before, I am sure it has been there all along, but I was too blind to see it:

He looks at me like I am everything he ever looked for.

Suddenly tears are welling in my eyes, instantly his arms go around me; hugging Arah and me tightly to him.

His warmth surrounding me, he is real, he is here.

My face pressed into the bow of his neck he can’t see the one tear rolling down my cheeks.

I will tell him, one day and it will be like it happened to someone else, not me.

I have started anew,

a new life,

a new love.

 

I am happy I haven’t joined him. I hope he is happy to be with his eomeoni. I sincerely hope he is.

Goodbye Tao…

 

 

 

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This story was a little more serious than "Pretty (annoying) Boy", still I hope you liked it too.Remember this Tao is just a character not the actual Tao, so don't take it too seriously.