December 31, 2013

11:46 pm

    

              He could feel the bitter bite of the winter wind blowing through his thick coat; the woolen, olive-brown garment helping him to blend into the shadowy depths of the alleyway in which he stood. The pulsing throb of the loud music coming from Trance, a popular club that was frequented by men who enjoyed the company of their own gender, was a strong beat pounding throughout his cold body, and the tall man began to doubt his sanity for coming alone to Itaewon’s seedy, red light district.

 

              And yet he had always come alone on the eve of every New Year since the split, despite the desperate warnings that came from his maknae, Changmin. At the start of every year since Dong Bang Shin Ki had separated into two different groups, he had found himself standing in this very spot . . . waiting.

    

              Yunho sighed and tugged at the ends of the brown scarf he wore around his neck. Thoughts of happy years long since gone danced in his mind—times when the group was still together as one family, memories of laughter and hard work, times of weariness and determination spurned on by a shared dream of five young boys, times that would forever be etched in his heart, and the hearts of their faithful fans. Shaking off the melancholy feeling of loss, the young man glanced at his watch; only 11:50 pm – still too early. A sad, sweet smile graced the silent man’s lips, as he almost tenderly ran his slender fingers along the face of the old timepiece strapped to his wrist . . . a gift given to him so long ago by someone, who even now, held his heart. A wistful sigh escaped, and Yunho watched as the silver wisps of his breath hung suspended in front of him, before magically dissipating in the cold night air.

 

The handsome singer suddenly tensed and he squinted in the dark as he heard voices nearing the entrance of the alley; boisterous American sailors drunk on Soju stumbled in the freezing dark, making their way haphazardly to “Hooker Hill”, just a block or two away, looking for some cheap entertainment to while away the evening and warm their bodies, even if for just a little while. He could hear them singing loudly off-key, each sailor trying to outdo their companions in volume, almost shouting out the lyrics to the traditional Christmas carol.  “Sleep in heavenly pe-e-ace, sleep in heavenly peace!” The sailors chortled raucously, one of them shouting, “Whatta crock’a that song is . . . I’ll be sleepin’ in heavenly peace tonight, once I get me a piece of sweet Asian !”

 

The young Korean singer frowned at the grating noise, as the other men joined in laughter with the boisterous sailor. Yunho sighed softly as the voices gradually grew softer, eventually leaving the cold night still and silent once more, as the burly men faded from view. “Heavenly peace?” Yunho murmured, remembering the lyrics to the carol.  When was the last time he had felt that way, much less slept that way? Yunho sighed, bowing his head as flakes of snow began to fall gently around him. The leader of the now, two-man group, TVXQ, began to silently berate himself in the dark of the night, as thoughts of his former lover flooded his mind.

 

              Vivid images of pale skin, like newly fallen snow, unblemished except for a faint birthmark and ebony ink that stained its perfection invaded his mind. Yunho closed his eyes; dark lashes hiding the heat and want that suddenly flooded his being. Why can’t I let him go? Why can’t I forget Jaejoong and move on? How many more years of pain and loss will have to pass before we can . . .

 

              The soft crunch of snow silenced the condemning voice inside his head and made Yunho look up once more, only to see a vision in white making his way into the darkened alley. Though the stranger’s head was bowed, recognition filled the leader’s dark brown eyes; he would have known that familiar roll of hips anywhere. So much for dressing inconspicuously, Yunho thought sarcastically; the white garments the singer wore was a brilliant beacon calling out to anyone in the darkness that might want to mind their business. Feeling suddenly angry with the pretty man for being unguarded and alone in such a dangerous place like this, the taller man frowned. It made Yunho shudder to think of what vile and evil things could be done to the slender man in white should he be jumped by drunken sailors in the dark.

 

Yunho watched as the shimmering ermine fur lining the collar of Jaejoong’s thick knitted sweater blew gently in the cold wind, seeming to almost caress the pale cheeks of the man who had stolen his heart years ago. It surprised him that even now, even after so much time had passed, that his heart would still clench at the sight of the singer quietly making his way towards him. Yunho couldn’t help but blink back the sudden hot tears that flooded his eyes, searching the flawless features of his “Jaejoongie”. 

 

The handsome singer could “feel” Jaejoong’s eyes upon him, even at a distance, and Yunho could tell that the shorter man was a bit apprehensive as he made his way into the dim, shadowy depths of the alley. He could feel the hesitation, and almost hear the silent questions running through the slender man’s mind . . . after all, they knew each other so well, that words were never needed between them. The taller singer quickly glanced at his wristwatch once more -- 12:00 am – the start of a new year.

 

              “You came,” Yunho whispered softly to the silent man now standing before him. “I didn’t think you would’ve remembered, much less be on time.”

 

              “Why wouldn’t I have remembered?” Jaejoong replied quietly, his voice a velvet purr to Yunho’s hungry ears. Gray eyes lifted and searched the face of the taller man beside him, and Yunho wished for a moment that Jaejoong hadn’t worn his contacts, longing to see the warm brown of his natural eye color that he missed so much. He remembered those beautiful orbs, filled with laughter, or sparking with anger – eyes that revealed so much of the emotions running rampant in the talented and sensitive man standing before him.

 

“I was, after all, the one who thought up the idea of us meeting like this . . . at the beginning of each year. It still surprises me that you agreed to it in the first place, and that you actually come here to . . . ” Jaejoong’s soft voice snapped the leader of TVXQ back to the present, his eyes drifting down to stare at the singer’s full lips, remembering its soft moistness.

 

              The handsome leader nodded impatiently and interjected, “At the start of a new year, in the alleyway behind Trance, we can meet, if only for a moment . . . I still remember your words,” Yunho murmured; and he bent his head towards the smaller man, inhaling the fragrance that surrounded the y singer dressed all in white. “You spoke those words to me almost five years ago when you and the others left us, but I’ve never forgotten.”

 

           “And neither have I,” Jaejoong whispered in return, gray eyes suddenly misty and filled with yearning. For a moment both men just stared at each other, noting the subtle changes the years had brought on, feeling awkward and hesitant as thoughts of the past raced through their minds and hearts.

 

Jaejoong finally broke his gaze and cleared the emotion he felt from his throat. “How is he? I see him online and on TV shows, he looks good . . . still so serious, but he almost seems happy now . . .”

 

         “Changmin is fine, Jaejoong.” Yunho quickly assured the smaller man. “He’s secretly seeing someone now, and I know he’s happy for the most part. He stared dating her a couple of months ago.”

 

         Jaejoong nodded, but his eyes were filled with the concern that a mother would have for her son. “Is she a nice girl? Can she cook? He loves to eat . . . does she know his favorite foods?”

 

         Yunho smiled, almond shaped eyes softening with the unwanted tenderness he felt for his former lover. “He’s fine . . . and I’m sure she’ll learn to cook what he likes, should their relationship progress. They’ve only begun to date and . . .”

 

         “Who is she?” Jaejoong demanded, light-colored brows drawing together as he tried to figure out who had captured Changmin’s heart, feeling possessive of the young man he had helped to raise.

 

         “Does it matter?” Yunho replied; feeling suddenly irritated by the questions regarding Changmin. “It’s not like you try see him, after all.” The leader pushed down the hot flare of anger and hurt that even now, after all this time, resided in his heart, but the sudden tears of pain and remorse that filled Jaejoong’s eyes immediately doused the heated emotions that Yunho tried desperately to control.

 

         Jaejoong quickly brushed at the solitary rivulet that ran warm down his cold cheek, and bit his bottom lip before looking up once more into Yunho’s eyes. “I’m sorry . . . you’re right. I don’t have any right to be asking about our maknae . . .”

 

         “My maknae,” Yunho gently corrected, unconsciously reaching up to brush another straggling tear from Jaejoong’s long lashes. Catching himself in the tender act, the taller singer quickly retracted his hand, his fingers closed, causing an awkward silence to ensue between the two men. Yunho quietly sighed in frustration. “Look Jaejoong, I don’t want us to end up in an argument like we do every year when we meet like this . . .”

 

         Jaejoong released a soft sigh of his own, his warm breath visible in the frosty air. “I’m sorry,” the shorter man reiterated.  “It seems every time we meet, I am apologizing for something.” Jaejoong lifted his eyes to glance at the tall singer standing so close, and yet so far. “I want to see him . . . you know that, right? Yet Changmin made it very clear at the start of all of this, that he wants nothing to do with the three of us anymore. To him, we are geese that have left the flock. I tried to contact him, but he . . .”

 

         “You called him right after you deserted us. He was young and he was hurt, Jaejoong. How would you expect Changmin to react?” Yunho reminded softly, his dark eyes searching the anxious face before him. “Have you, have any of you, tried to call him since?”

 

         Jaejoong sadly shook his head, his eyes falling to his soft white boots. “We are cowards . . . all of us,” the talented singer admitted. “He can be very scary when he gets mad . . .” The sandy haired man startled, as a quiet chuckle was heard. Raising his eyes up once more, Jaejoong couldn’t help but smile, as he saw Yunho laughing softly in the darkness. “What? Why are you laughing?” Jaejoong asked, smiling even more as Yunho tried to pull himself together.

 

         “I’m laughing at you . . . and Junsu and Yoochun. You three were always afraid our maknae, at his volcanic temper and his ability to hold a grudge.”

 

         “Our maknae, or yours?” Jaejoong reminded quietly, bringing their brief banter to an abrupt end. The older singer almost regretted his words, as he saw the “mask” return once more onto Yunho’s chiseled features, shielding the glimpse of the playful and kind boy he had fallen in love with years before.

 

         “Anyway, I don’t think he’s angry any more,” Yunho finally murmured, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen between them once more. “You should try to contact him. I know he misses all of you, even though he will never admit it to me.”

 

         “And what about you? Do you miss us too? Do you . . . do you maybe miss me?” Jaejoong asked abruptly, wanting to bite off his wayward tongue the minute the words left his lips. He could feel Yunho stiffen beside him, the taller man staring down at him before he silently lifted his eyes to the dark heavens above. For some reason, it hurt Jaejoong greatly to see Yunho turn away and shut him out like that, and the smaller man dropped his eyes and swallowed hard, pulling the furry collar closer to his pale cheeks, as if the warmth of the fur could somehow shield him from the bitter cold emanating from the man standing next to him.

 

The leader sighed, his heart aching and angry inside, as he searched the night sky for the constellation of Cassiopeia, stars that formed a “W”, the celestial bridge that was supposed to forever keep JYJ and TVXQ connected as one, even though they were now apart. Yunho closed his eyes, the feeling of defeat flooding his heart as he thought of their fans – the largest recorded fan base in the Guinness World Book of records – and yet, not even Cassiopeia remained unscathed by the split as they too broke apart, angrily choosing sides on which to stand, defending either their chosen group of JYJ, or TVXQ.

 

He could feel Jaejoong’s wary eyes upon him; and he knew that his former lover was filled with trepidation, anticipating yet another of their many verbal disagreements. Their brief meeting at the start of every new year always ended this way, both men too stubborn to admit that mistakes had been made on both sides, each refusing to give in, to bridge the chasm that formed between all of them. Yunho dragged his slender fingers through his dark hair in vexation, feeling the cold dampness that came from the elements. He was tired, so very weary of rehashing what had happened in the past – the disbanding of their group, the bitter lawsuits against SME, the long wait that he and Changmin suffered, the manipulations of his management preventing JYJ from performing in Korea and Japan, the unrelenting betrayal and hurt they all felt inside when Dong Bang Shin Ki fell apart . . . the list went on and on. Standing now in the dark with Jaejoong, Yunho remained quiet, refusing to dredge up those past issues when it lay so close to the surface of their emotions, knowing it would only erupt into more hard words and bitter feelings between them. It was better to let old wounds heal instead of opening them up again year after year.

 

“You both should have come with us when you could,” Jaejoong whispered softly, his voice taken away by the cold night air. “Initially that was our plan, wasn’t it?  The five of us . . . we were going to leave together, as one.” When Yunho refused to answer, Jaejoong could feel the hot prick of anger rise once more, and the pretty singer’s voice grew bolder as unresolved emotions, feelings of hurt, dejection and despair floated to the surface of his broken heart. “You could have been with me right now. All of this time wasted when we could have been together . . . it was so unnecessary, Yunho. We didn’t need the name of Dong Bang Shin Ki to be successful. The fans love us, not the name of the group. I told you that so long ago. I told you that YOU were more important to me than anything . . . more than my career, more than my family, more than the fame and money, more than . . .”

 

“And I told you that it would be WRONG to leave our management!” Yunho shouted, his voice loud and strong over Jaejoong’s rising frustration. “You never listen to me, Joongie. You and the others took matters into your own hands and destroyed our group. You left Min, and you deserted me, even though we were contractually obliged to stay with SM. Why can’t you understand that? Our management was the one that gave us the start we needed. We had a responsibility to keep our word to them and . . .”

 

“And be treated like dogs?” Jaejoong snapped back, his cat-like gray eyes narrowed and flashed in anger. “You were our leader, and you let them treat us like yesterday’s trash! Junsu and Yoochun wouldn’t have lasted the remaining years with SM and you knew that! Yoochun’s asthma was getting progressively worse, and he was constantly sick because they never let us rest. The travelling to and from Japan, the back to back concerts, and the many shows we had to appear on . . . we were dying right in front of your eyes, Yunho, and yet you did nothing to protect us. You were so blinded by your sense of obligations and responsibilities to the company, but what about your obligations to us? We were your family!”

 

Jaejoong’s heated words hung in the air as Yunho suddenly yanked the smaller man towards him, swiftly turning his back to the entrance of the alleyway as a half-filled bottle of Soju was flung towards them, crashing beside them as it hit the pavement, green shards of sharp glass showering around them. The leader shielded the slender singer with his own body, protectively cradling the back of Jaejoong’s head, feeling his former lover’s cheek pressed against the center of his chest, as the splatter of glass rained down upon them.

 

“Shut da up, you in’ fags!” A burly American sailor snarled, his words slurred from the over indulgence of alcohol. “Homos like you make me sick! Get a in’ room!” The abrasive sailor belched loudly as he stumbled away to catch up with his friends, staggering drunkenly towards Hooker Hill.

 

They stood still as statues in the dark of the alley, listening to the shuffling feet of the sailor as he stumbled away. Jaejoong closed his eyes and inhaled the fragrance that Yunho wore. He could hear the familiar and steady heartbeat of his former lover, and feeling the warmth of Yunho’s embrace brought sudden tears to the singer’s eyes. Jaejoong bit down hard upon his bottom lip to hold his quiet sob in, realizing that for the first time in years he finally felt safe.

 

“Joongie? Are you okay?” Yunho whispered, feeling the slight trembling in the shorter man. “You’re not hurt, are you? Did . . . did you get cut from the glass?” The leader gently tried to untangle himself from his former lover, wanting to check to make sure that Jaejoong was not hurt, but the smaller man clung even tighter, refusing to step away. “Joongie? What is it? What’s wrong? Let me see . . . are you hurt?”

 

         Yunho breathed a sigh of relief as the singer in his arms silently shook his head, his body though warm and solid, felt almost fragile to the silent leader. He could tell that Jaejoong had lost a lot of weight in the years since the group’s demise as he watched his former lover on the computer whenever he could, but feeling the slightness of Jaejoong’s form now in his arms made Yunho protectively tighten his embrace. Yunho unconsciously rubbed the singer’s back, comforting and soothing the smaller man’s trembling without words. It felt . . . it felt almost right to be holding Jaejoong once more in the dark, away from prying eyes, where they could just be themselves. To Yunho, it felt like he was finally home.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jaejoong murmured, his voice but a whisper, drawing the leader away from his wayward thoughts.

 

         Yunho gently tilted Jaejoong’s chin up and lowered his gaze to the beautiful man nestled safely in his arms. “You’re sorry for what, Joongie?”

 

         “For always saying the wrong things.” The smaller man bowed his head and Yunho could see the soft glow around his sandy tresses, as it picked up the dim light coming from the entrance of the alleyway. “I-I’m sorry for always making you mad.” Small flakes of snow fell silently upon the crown of Jaejoong’s lowered head, and without thinking, Yunho gently brushed the white flecks from the man’s soft locks.  Gray eyes reflected the surprise Jaejoong felt, as he lifted his head to stare at the taller man.

        

         “You had . . . I mean . . . the snowflakes . . . ” Yunho stuttered, his cheeks growing warm and pink in the cold night air, as his slender hand gestured helplessly towards the smaller man’s hair. Without another word, Yunho attempted to step away from the beautiful man, dreading the sudden chill that would replace the warmth that was Jaejoong.

 

         A wistful smile graced the soft, ivory cheeks of Kim Jaejoong, his full lips beckoning the taller man to bend his head down for a quick taste. Yunho quickly shook his head to clear away his confusing thoughts, as Jaejoong held the taller man firmly in place.

 

 “You haven’t reached out to touch me in a long time, Yunnie-ya,” Jaejoong whispered, his velvet-soft voice sending shivers down Yunho’s rigid spine, the familiarity of the honorific causing the taller singer to feel his heart begin to melt. The smaller man took a step closer to narrow the slight distance between them, sensing that Yunho was warming up to him. Jaejoong raised a slender, pale hand and picked at the snowflakes resting upon his former lover’s coat, gently . . . lovingly  . . . dusting the snow off of the lapel on Yunho’s jacket.

 

         Yunho swallowed the sudden hard lump that came to his throat, remembering days gone by when tender ministrations like the one Jaejoong  just did, would make him feel so loved and cared for. How he missed those days . . . how he missed his Jaejoong. Without thinking Yunho lowered his head, gently covering Jaejoong’s soft lips with his own.

 

         An invisible arc of electricity flared in the cold darkness around them, and time stood still and then sped up all at once, the deserted alleyway seemingly revolving in a multitude of colors as Yunho felt Jaejoong’s warm lips sliding familiarly beneath his own. The smaller man’s tongue boldly at the leader’s mouth, brazenly begging entrance, making Yunho’s head spin with want, the raging heat and need his body instantly felt raced downwards to his groin.

 

          “Don’t . . .” Yunho gasped; pushing Jaejoong away, feeling the cold bite from the many metal rings that graced Jaejoong’s slender fingers as the smaller man reached out to him again. Breathing heavily, Yunho dragged his fingers through his hair, willing his resistant body to reign his passion back in. “I . . . I don’t think we should be doing this, Jaejoong.”

 

         “I’m sorry,” Jaejoong apologized once more, though he didn’t remove his hands from the lapels of Yunho’s jacket. Gray eyes melted into the warm confusion of melted chocolate as Yunho gazed down at him, searching the taller man’s face for some kind of sign . . . anything that would warrant him the right to be in Yunho’s space. “I miss you, Yunnie-ya. I . . . I miss us, you and me . . . together . . . the way we were.” Jaejoong searched his former lover’s face, his eyes beseeching and teary.

 

         Yunho sighed softly and tenderly cupped the shorter man’s cheek, brushing away the silent tear that fell with a gentle swipe of his thumb. “Don’t cry, Joongie.” Yunho whispered. “Haven’t we all shed enough tears over this?”

 

         “Come back to me,” Jaejoong begged, his cold hand grabbing onto Yunho’s, the warmth of the leader’s slender fingers lacing between his own. “I have money now . . . a lot of it. I can easily support the both of us. You can break your contract with SME and you can live with me in my home, with Jiji, and . . .”

 

         “And do what you and the others did? Do you want me to desert Changmin too? You and I both know that he would never leave the safety of SME, and I can’t leave him there. You know that I would never do that!  Do you honestly think that I would shirk my responsibilities like you three did? Yunho’s voice rose once again in anger, his eyes hardening in the dark of the night, yet Jaejoong refused to step away, bravely stepping in closer, reaching up to lace his arm around the back of Yunho’s neck, only to pull the taller man down for another kiss that silenced the leader’s condemnations.

 

         Yunho closed his eyes, dark lashes pressing back hot tears, hiding the confusion he felt inside as the feeling of Jaejoong’s soft, warm lips slid over his own, sending heat racing downwards to ignite and harden the passion that he held inside for the slender man standing before him. He could feel his anger dissipating in the cold night air, as Jaejoong’s lips moved under his, the slender singer’s mouth willingly opening to allow access to Yunho’s questing tongue, the heat of passion flaring in both men.

 

         “I want you, Yunnie-ya,” Jaejoong gasped as they finally broke apart, chests heaving with the desire and want they both felt for each other. Breathing hard, the smaller man reached out once again to his former lover, wanting to feel Yunho’s strong arms enfolding around his body once more, but the leader of TVXQ quickly took a step back, preventing the contact that tore him up inside and warred with his convictions.

 

         Yunho shook his head and turned away from the enticing creature standing before him. “You bewitch me, Jaejoong. You always have, and I know you always will. You tempt me with your words, and you lie with a straight face.” At the look of confusion that marred the pretty features of the singer, Yunho said sadly, “You don’t want me, Joongie. You have . . . I’ve seen all of your friends that you hang out with, male “friends” that you parade around with the pictures that you post online. I know how you invite them over to your place, that some of them even stay for extended periods of time. You and I . . .” Yunho sighed, his heart breaking with the pain of the betrayal he felt inside, “What we once had . . . it’s over now.”

 

         “What we once had . . . we can still have,” Jaejoong whispered desperately, his luminous eyes speaking volumes, as understanding took place. “What we once had is not over, Yunnie-ya. It never was.” Jaejoong carefully watched the telling emotions that passed over the leader’s face, seeing the initial glow of hope that his words had sparked, only to watch it fade away like a dying ember, as the reality of their situation sunk in. Resignation and disappointment was apparent on the leader’s face and the smaller man quickly stepped in closer to his former lover, sliding his arms around the Yunho’s waist.

 

          “Those “friends” you mentioned, that’s all they ever were . . . just friends. I haven’t been with anyone since you, Yunnie. I couldn’t. Every time I tried to forget you in the arms of someone else, your face would appear and I . . . I just couldn’t. How can I give myself to anyone, when my heart belongs to only you?  I love you, Yunho. I always have, and I always will. Even though so many years have passed, you continue to haunt me; like a ghost standing in the corner of my bedroom. There are times when I’m alone that I hear your familiar laughter ringing in my ear, and when I hear your voice singing to me over the radio, it brings tears to my eyes. You appear almost nightly in my dreams, Yunho, and I can never forget all that we had, all that we once were to each other.” Jaejoong’s eyes filled with tears, as he gazed up at the taller man. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted, Yunnie . . . all I ever needed. There will never be another man for me, because you own my heart.”

 

         Yunho could feel the warm tears that gathered in the corner of his own eyes . . . tears of joy and sadness, tears of pain and hope that Jaejoong’s words brought on. He could feel the smaller man tighten his embrace, the top of Jaejoong’s head settling comfortably under his chin. A perfect fit, like always, Yunho thought, a sad wistful smile gracing his lips, his heart breaking in the still of the night.

 

          “I love you too, Joongie,” Yunho finally admitted, knowing the shorter man was probably smiling happily against his chest as he listened to those longed for words. The leader closed his eyes, inhaling the intoxicating scent that was Jaejoong. Sighing sadly, Yunho whispered, “What are we doing, Boojae? Why can’t we forget each other and move on with our lives? The world around us continues to revolve, days turn into nights and months into years, and yet we are still stuck in time like fools   . . . unable to move on, unwilling to forget. Why is it that I cannot let go of you?”

 

         “Because if you let go of me, then you will lose yourself.” Jaejoong whispered sagely. “We are one soul, one heartbeat. You and I both know that when we are apart, we are not whole,” The singer’s velvet voice was both soothing and sad, the wisdom of pain so evident in his beautiful eyes.  “ When you are not with me, Yunho, I feel broken inside, a stranger to myself. Even though there are others around me, even if Yoochun and Junsu are there, still a part of me is always lonely because you are not by my side. There were times after the split when I felt so alone, so lost, that I wanted to just die. Believe me, I contemplated that thought so many times, when the loneliness I felt became almost unbearable.” At the leader’s sudden gasp, the pretty singer sighed softly, expressive eyes studying the taller man.  “And yet here in the dark with your arms wrapped around me, I have never felt more alive, never felt more whole in the past few years than I do at this moment. You make me want to live, Yunho. We make each other come alive . . . tell me that you don’t feel the same? Tell me that what I am saying is not true for you too, Yunnie?

 

         “God . . . how I want you,” Yunho whispered brokenly, drawing Jaejoong into a tight embrace, burying his face into the soft white fur of the singer’s coat. He could feel the warmth of Jaejoong’s slender hand running up and down his back, always the one to offer comfort first, always the one to be most forgiving. That was his Joongie, so kind and giving to everyone, but himself.

 

         “Run away with me,” Jaejoong’s soft voice broke through the pain and confusion swirling in Yunho’s heart. “I have friends in Canada, and in the United States. We can leave Korea and make a life for ourselves somewhere else, somewhere where we can love openly, where our love will be able to bloom under the light of the sun. Yoochun says that in America, people . . .”

 

         Yunho snorted softly, cutting the older man off, as his eyes lit upon the beautiful face staring earnestly up at him. At the sudden confusion he could read in Jaejoong’s gray eyes, the tall singer gently reached out to cup the soft, ivory cheek of his beloved. “Yoochun lived in the States a long time ago, Joongie.  What Chunnie remembers, is from the perspective of a child. People who love like us, men who love like you and me . . . we are considered dirty and wrong in the eyes of society. Even God forbids our love,” Yunho said sadly, his strict Catholic beliefs silently condemning his gentle soul. The leader sighed, his wispy breath dissipating in the cold air. “You are an optimistic dreamer, you’ve always been one, Jaejoong. A love like ours can never bloom in the sun, but must be closeted away and hidden in the dark. We can never run far enough, Boojae, for our love to be embraced by all.”

 

           “Maybe not by all, but many still love “YunJae” and what our love stood for.” Jaejoong replied softly, hope flaring in his gray eyes, as he lovingly dusted a snowflake off of Yunho’s jacket. “Even after all these years, I still hear people call out your name as the three of us perform. The fans still love the thought of you and I, and . . . and I don’t care what anyone thinks about my love for you,” the pretty singer said rebelliously. “I would shout my love for you from the rooftops, if I thought it would bring you back to me.”

 

         Yunho chuckled softly, almond-shaped eyes crinkling at the corners, as he hugged the slender man tighter in his embrace, feeling Jaejoong’s stubborn resistance. “You may not shout it at the rooftops, but the lyrics to your songs speak loud enough to anyone who is listening.” Yunho heard the soft intake of breath from the man in his arms. “Yes, I know all those songs you wrote were for me. No one knows you better than me, Joongie. I knew you wrote those songs for me, trying to purge me from your heart and soul, but it failed didn’t it?  It just made you want me more . . .” The quiet snort from the smaller man made Yunho smile widely, a love-struck buffoon standing in the dark.

 

         “And what about your songs?” Jaejoong shot back, slightly pushing away from the taller man so that he could look up into Yunho’s dark eyes. “Do you think that I don’t know that you write those ballads for me?” The pretty man laughed out loud, as he saw the boyish grin that spread over the leader’s face. “We speak to each other through our songs. I know this, as do you. What we cannot say softly to each other in private, we sing out loud to the world. How stupid is that?”

 

         Yunho laughed, amused at the brutal honesty Jaejoong always had, remembering how he and the other members would always cringe whenever Jaejoong was given the microphone to speak. One never knew what truthful utterances would leave Jaejoong’s lips, and the fans, as well as the hosts, always hung onto his every word. Yunho grinned as he looked down into the eyes of his former lover, unable to disguise the love he felt in his heart, knowing that Jaejoong could see his love reflecting outwards in the dark, realizing that he didn’t want to hide his love from the singer anymore.  “If I run away with you, Jaejoong Kim,” Yunho whispered softly, “Will I be a kept man?”

 

           The smile slowly left Jaejoong’s face, and gray eyes grew luminous with the love he felt for the leader. “If you run away with me, Yunho Jung,” Jaejoong’s velvet voice purred, “I promise you, that you will never want for anything.”

 

“Are you proposing to me, Kim Jaejoong?” Yunho asked with a smile, chocolate colored eyes melting with the love he felt inside for the beautiful singer who stole his heart so many years ago.

 

Jaejoong giggled, hiding his smile behind a slender hand. The light-haired man narrowed cat-like eyes and said softly, “I would say that I am, but it depends on something, Jung Yunho . . .”

 

Yunho frowned. “Depends on what?”

 

“On whether or not you will say, yes.”

 

The smaller man stepped into Yunho’s embrace once more, lifting soft, full lips up for a kiss that would seal their spoken deal.

 

         Yunho closed his eyes as he lowered his head, dark lashes hiding the emotions he kept in check for the man he held in his arms. As his lips gently brushed the soft, moist lips of Jaejoong, he heard the singer sigh softly, melting into his arms, like butter on freshly baked bread. Tongues dueled silently, igniting the passion once more in both men. Quiet gasps and desperate moans filled the air, as hands caressed and reached into places to fondle and grasp. Breathing heavily, Yunho finally had the sense to pull away, gently pushing Jaejoong away from him before they could be seen.

 

         “Wh-what is it?” Jaejoong murmured, his lips were swollen-red by the wanton kisses they shared in the dark, his gray eyes dilated with passion and confusion. The singer looked so adorably dazed, that it was all Yunho could do to refrain himself from taking Jaejoong right there on the snow covered ground.

 

         Yunho gently grazed his thumb against Jaejoong’s warm, moist lips; wanting once more to resume his heated kisses to mark the slender singer as his own. Under the intensity of his gaze, Jaejoong blushed and whispered, “What’s wrong? Why did we stop? Don’t you want . . .”

 

         Yunho’s index finger tenderly brushed against Jaejoong’s lips, silencing the older man from completing his sentence. “Shh…” the leader whispered, lowering his head to quietly speak into the singer’s ear. “Yes, I do want . . . I want you so badly, Jaejoong, I could just take you right here in the snow, but not here, not like this. You deserve so much better. And when I do make love to you, Joongie, it won’t be in some dirty back alleyway like some cheap one-night-stand. I realize tonight, that you are worth more to me than all the riches in the world. I guess I’ve always known that, but I was just too pig-headed and stubborn to admit it, even to myself. Yunho smiled as he heard the soft gasp that came from the man he loved, knowing his words had touched the singer so very deeply.

 

         Jaejoong took in a shuddering breath and drew back to gaze at his beloved, seeing the tears that sparkled in Yunho’s eyes, caught by the dim light at the entrance to the alley. Warm tears also flooded the gray eyes of the singer, as the taller man’s words finally sunk in. “S-so . . . I take this as a y-yes?” the singer asked hesitantly, a small hopeful smile beginning to tweak at his full and sensuous lips.

 

          Yunho chuckled, the corners of his almond-shaped eyes crinkling with mirth, “Yes . . . I will be your kept man, but only after . . .”

 

         “No,” Jaejoong grumbled, pulling away from the warm embrace of the taller man, disappointment erasing the hope he felt a second ago. “I won’t wait a minute longer, Yunnie-ya. I have been made to wait all these many years because you were being a stubborn jackass. You even said so yourself and . . .”

 

          Yunho’s eyes widened, and then twinkled as he tried to suppress his oncoming laughter, knowing his amusement would only make the beautiful man in his arms become feral and wild once more.

 

         “What?” Jaejoong pouted. “You always do that to me, Yunnie. You give me a gift, only to take it away, and I am . . .”

 

         “Shh…” Yunho whispered, before settling his lips once more onto the soft, full lips of the singer. They kissed in the darkness, until Jaejoong became pliant and light-headed, needing the taller man to hold him even closer as he slowly regained his bearings.

 

          “You okay?”  Yunho queried, waiting for the older man’s nod before he let Jaejoong step away. The leader of TVXQ grinned as he watched the beautiful singer gently push his bangs to one side with his trembling pinkie. “Are you ready now to listen to what I was going to say? Are you ready to stop being so pig-headed yourself?”

 

         Jaejoong snorted, his lip curling in derision. “Me? Pig-headed? I wasn’t the one who . . .”

 

         Yunho’s burst of laughter made the singer stop in mid-sentence. “I am teasing you, Boojae.” The leader gently tugged on the slender, pale hand of the singer, until Jaejoong stepped back in the safety of his embrace. “What I was going to say before I was rudely interrupted by your outburst, is this . . . I will be your kept man, but only after we finish our military duty. We will not run away like thieves in the night to Canada, or to the States, but we will finish our duty to our country so that we can leave Korea with honor and dignity, should we decide to do so. We can enlist at the same time.  I didn’t like the idea of you doing your military service without me there by your side to protect you.” Yunho smiled as Jaejoong rolled his eyes, and blew his bangs back with a huff at his last statement. Choosing to ignore the telling body language of his partner, the taller man continued, “I think that once we finish our two year duty to our country, then we can take the time to decide what to do, to just be us . . . you and me together . . . forever, and to hell with what anyone else thinks!”

 

         Jaejoong bit his bottom lip, eyes worried and troubled. “Two more years? I-I don’t know if I can wait that . . .”

 

         “I’m worth the wait,” Yunho said smugly, a deep grin appearing once again at the cat-like glare that Jaejoong bestowed upon him. “And so are you.” The handsome leader of TVXQ reminded, as he gently cupped his lover’s face in his hands, losing himself in the gray, liquid depths of Jaejoong’s eyes. “By then, our contract with SME will be over and if Changmin decides to sign on again, he will have to go solo.”

 

         Jaejoong’s mouth dropped open and wide eyes stared up with wonder at the taller man. “B-but you just said a while ago that you would never leave Changmin . . .”

 

         “I know,” Yunho interjected, his voice soft and wistful. “I don’t want to leave our Maknae there alone, but he’s a grown man now. He will have to decide for himself.”

 

         Yunho gazed down into gray eyes filled with worry. “What? Don’t tell me that now you are worried about Changmin going solo?”

 

         Jaejoong frowned, “I have never stopped worrying about the two of you . . . ever. You and I, we helped to raise Minnie, and I don’t like the idea of him being left alone in there. I know how things are run in SME.”

 

         “You don’t know how things are in the company anymore, Jaejoong,” Yunho quietly admonished. “Things have changed a lot since . . .”

 

         “Since we dared to file a lawsuit against them?” the beautiful singer interjected. “Yes . . . a lot of people in the business have benefited since the three of us took a stand against SME and their abuse. They are still plaguing us with their tyranny, secretly stopping us from performing our concerts or making public appearances. Do they honestly think that we don't know that they are behind all of this?”

 

         Yunho sighed, feeling suddenly tired and cold, not wanting to rehash things that had happened in the past, or the present for that matter, as he was afraid it would escalate into another argument between them.  “So what are you saying to me, Joongie? Shall I continue to stay on with the company until Changmin has had enough of it?” Yunho asked, bringing them back to the subject at hand. A small smile tweaked his lips as Yunho watched the conflicted emotions that raced across the pretty singer’s face. “Will you wait that long for me? You can’t have your cake and eat it too, Boojae,” the taller man gently admonished. The leader watched as the singer’s eyes fell to the ground; long dark lashes hiding his confusion.

 

         Yunho sighed, pulling the furred collar closer together around Jaejoong’s neck to ward off the chill of the night. Glancing at his watch, the leader of TVXQ murmured, “It’s late, we better get going before someone, other than drunken sailors, finds us here together in the dark.”

 

         Jaejoong quickly raised his eyes to look into the soulful, chocolate brown depths that gazed down at him. “What are you talking about? We can’t leave it at this! We haven’t made any decisions yet and  . . . and what about our future? Do you still want to be my kept man or what?”

 

         Jaejoong frowned as Yunho chuckled at his demands, and though the warmth and love in the taller man’s eyes were completely evident to the frazzled singer, Jaejoong needed more than just unspoken words. “What are we going to do, Yunnie-ya? You can’t just expect me to be content when nothing has been resolved . . .”

 

“What can we possibly resolve tonight, Joongie?” Yunho sighed, gently tugging the singer back into the warmth of his arms. “What happened to all of us took years in the making, and you want conclusive answers tonight?” The tall singer frowned and said, “It is getting colder by the minute and my balls are freezing!”  Yunho grinned, as Jaejoong burst into laughter.

 

         “I can do something to remedy that situation,” the pretty singer replied suggestively, eyes dropping to the leader’s crotch.

 

         Yunho chuckled and then shook his head, tipping the singer’s chin up, gray eyes returning back to his own, and away from the telling, hardening bulge in his pants. The leader sighed as he gazed down into misty, gray depths. “Don’t tempt me, Jaejoong. It is already past two in the morning, and I have to be at the practice hall in a few hours to rehearse our new dance routine. Changmin will kill me if I keep messing up . . . you know how he hates to practice any longer than he has to.”

 

         The pretty singer grinned, as nostalgic memories of their times spent together as a group of five flashed in his mind. “I remember,” Jaejoong said softly, feeling suddenly sad and defeated, missing those youthful years when they were all so close, a family unit that stood together and loved one another, triumphantly winning awards after awards for their agonizing efforts.

 

         “Hey,” Yunho whispered, startled to see silent tears filling the gray eyes of his former lover. “What’s wrong? I promised you that I would be your kept man, you should be both honored and humbled to have gained such an elusive catch as me . . .” the leader tried to joke, gently brushing the warm tears running down the singer’s cold cheeks with his thumb. “What is it, Jaejoong?” Yunho queried softly, “What’s making you so sad now? I thought everything was going great?”

 

         “Going great? How can you even think that?” Jaejoong asked, the amazement he felt at Yunho’s denseness clearly evident upon his face. “Yunnie, things are far from great! You want to leave things unsettled because of the cold night air, and you worry about the sleep you are missing out on? You are more concerned about having Changmin leaving the practice hall on time, when our future together hangs on a hinge!”

 

         “Is that what is making you sad, Boojae?” Yunho asked quietly. “Is this what makes your eyes tear and your nose drip?”

 

         Jaejoong rolled his eyes in annoyance. “I am sad because I don’t know how to fix things! Hello? Are you even up on current events?”

 

         Yunho burst out laughing, much to the vexation of the older man who puffed out his cheeks in annoyance.

 

“Will you be serious, Yunho?” Jaejoong snapped, nervously looking over his shoulder at the alleyway’s entrance. “Someone will come if you don’t be quiet!”

 

Yunho grinned boyishly, his eyes sparkling with mirth and love for the vexed singer who glared up at him. “Okay, okay . . . I’m sorry. What would you have me do, Jaejoong? It is after two in the morning. Shall I call Changmin now to brave this cold weather and meet us here in the alleyway? I am sure he would be so happy to hear from me and you, right at this moment.” The leader watched as the singer’s eyes widened when he pulled his cell phone from his pocket.

 

“Wait,” Jaejoong gasped. “What are you doing?”

 

“I’m calling Min for you,” Yunho smiled. “Are you even up on current events, Boojae?” the leader snarked, using the singer’s own words against him.

 

“Funny . . . very funny!” the Jaejoong miffed, rolling his eyes. “I’m not in the mood for games, Yunnie.”

 

“Neither am I, Joongie,” Yunho said, suddenly serious again, as he pressed the speed dial to connect with his temperamental Maknae. As the phone rang on the other side, the leader added, “Maybe you should call Chun and Su, too. Maybe we all can meet and talk like we should have done, so many years ago.”

 

“Right now? But it’s after two in the morning!” Jaejoong said flabbergasted.

 

“Yes, I am aware of that,” Yunho replied. “Been trying to tell you that for some time now and . . .”

 

“Mmm . . . h’lo?” Changmin’s sleepy voice cut Yunho’s sentence off, and the leader quickly put him on speakerphone. “Yoboseyo, Hello? Yunho-ya? What is it . . . oh my god . . . did I oversleep? Are you at the practice hall waiting for me?”

 

Jaejoong covered his mouth with the back of his hand to hold his laughter in, as fumbling was heard on the other end of the phone. Yunho grinned, knowing his maknae was probably scrambling out of bed. They both listened as it suddenly quieted, knowing that Min probably glanced at the clock, and they waited for the explosion to come.

 

“What the HELL?” Changmin growled into the receiver. “It’s two-twenty in the morning, hyung! What do you want?” When only silenced greeted his growl, the young singer began to worry. “Hyung?  Where are you? Are you all right? Are you still in Itaewon at this time in the morning? I told you how dangerous that place was and you never listen to . . .”

 

“Min, I’m fine.” Yunho’s gentle timbre instantly calmed the younger man. “But I need you to do me a favor.” The leader of TVXQ glanced over at the pretty singer who was nervously biting this thumbnail. Yunho shook his head and gently swatted at the Jaejoong’s thumb, earning him a glare.

 

“What is it?” Min asked, suspicion suddenly flaring in his voice. “Is he still there with you . . . at this hour?”

 

Yunho smiled, “Yes, Joongie is here with me and he wants to talk to you, Min. I want you to listen and to be kind to your Umma. Jaejoong has missed you terribly.”

 

Jaejoong furiously shook his head, his eyes wide with fear, as Yunho handed him the cell phone. The leader gently grasped the cold, slender hand of the singer and folded his shaking fingers over the phone. “It’s all right, Jaejoong, he’s your maknae too. At one time, you were like a mother to him, cooking special meals for him, and making sure he was always taken care of. You did that for all of us, you were the glue that held us together as a family. Now go on, talk to him . . . there is nothing to fear.”

 

“H-hello Minnie-ya,” Jaejoong whispered quietly into the receiver. “H-how are you? Have you been eating properly and are you getting enough rest?”

The silence on the other end was deafening, and Jaejoong’s eyes filled with tears. The pretty singer let out a broken sigh. “It’s okay, Min, you don’t have to talk to me. I am so sorry that Yunho-ya woke you up at this hour. I know how much you love your sleep . . . I mean, I used to know that . . . m-maybe you don’t need as much sleep now, since you are a grown man and . . .”

 

         “Hello Hyung. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard your voice.” There was a pause and the pretty singer heard Changmin let out a soft sigh before saying, “I never realized how much I’ve missed hearing your voice, Jaejoong-ah.”

 

         Jaejoong bit his lower lip to keep it from trembling, as tears flooded his eyes and ran down his cold cheeks in warm rivulets. The sensitive singer clutched the phone tighter and brought the receiving end closer to his lips, wishing he could see the face of his youngest member. “I’ve missed you so much too, Min. I’ve never stopped worrying about you and Yunho, wondering how you were both faring over the years. I’ve wanted to call you so many times, but . . .”

 

         As Jaejoong’s voice faded, Yunho leaned over towards the phone and chimed in, “But your fearsome disposition scared the others away from attempting to reach us, Min.” Yunho chuckled as Jaejoong scowled at him in the dark. The light-haired singer poked the leader hard in the ribs, making Yunho grin even more.

 

         The sudden burst of laughter coming from the phone made both men turn to stare at the cell held in Jaejoong’s hands. Gray eyes met warm chocolate and they soon added their own quiet laughter to Min’s boisterous one. When the youngest man finally caught his breath, Jaejoong smiled and said, “It’s true, Minnie. Chunnie, Susu, and I are all cowards when it comes to you.”

 

         The laughter suddenly quieted on the other end, and Jaejoong worried his bottom lip, concerned at the abrupt silence. “Min? You there?”

 

         “Yes, Jaejoong-ah, I am still here. I was trying to remember when was the last time I had laughed so much, and I realized it was when we were all still together, when we lived as a family. I-I miss our soul-fighting, and right now, if you were here, I-I guess I would even allow you to give me a hug, hyung. I’ve missed you . . . I’ve missed all of you. A-are Yoochun and Junsu there with you now?”

 

         Jaejoong brushed a stray tear away, as he listened to the younger man’s broken sniffles on the other end, knowing that Changmin was probably shedding a few tears of his own. “No, Min. Chunnie and Susu are not here, but Yunho said that maybe I should call them . . . that maybe it is time we finally meet to talk and hopefully resolve some of the things that should have been dealt with a long time ago. Out of consideration, I wanted to call you first, before the others, to make sure that it would be all right with you. I would never want to hurt you in any way again, Changmin.”

 

          There was a long, silent pause, and Jaejoong’s eyes lifted to Yunho’s for reassurance. Yunho gently took the phone from Jaejoong’s cold hands. “Min . . . you don’t have to answer now. We can talk about it at the practice hall and I can call Jae . . .”

 

“Yes,” the quiet response that came through the cell took the rest of Yunho’s words away. Jaejoong’s eyes shifted to the taller man’s, sparkling gray orbs so full of hope and happiness that it stole Yunho’s breath.

 

“I-I mean . . . yes, if Yunho will be there too.” Changmin finished uncertainly, his voice quavering with emotion.

 

“Of course I’ll be there. It is time we make things right,” Yunho said softly to both of s. “As our leader, I should have done this a long time ago. I am sorry Min for letting my pride and anger stand in the way of all of us seeing each other again. Joongie? I am sorry for letting you and Chun and Su wait so long for us to have this talk.”

 

“No,” Jaejoong whispered. “You will not carry the blame for all of us, like you always do, Yunho. We are not boys anymore. We are all grown men now, and we will all bear the responsibility of what happened to our group . . . and for keeping our fans waiting so long for us.”

 

“Where and when shall we meet?” Min asked quietly, his voice soft and reflective.

 

“We can meet at my place, although I don’t know if we might be seen. My home is always under of the scrutiny of the public eye.” Jaejoong replied. After a moment of quiet thought, the pretty singer said, “Or we could meet at one of Hong Seok-Cheon’s restaurants in Itaewon. He once told me that if ever we needed a place to meet and talk, he would close one of his restaurants down just for us. He’s a good friend, and he’s always been supportive of us, Yunnie-ya.” Jaejoong said quietly, slipping his cold hand into the warmth of Yunho’s.

 

“Let Joongie and I figure out the logistics, Min.” Yunho finished. “I’ll let you know what we decide at the practice hall when we meet in a few hours.”

 

“Yes!” Min replied happily, excitement tinged his normally stoic voice. “It will be so nice to . . . nice to see all of you again, to be together once more, even for a little while. I never told Yunho hyung about this, but I’d often watched you three on my computer whenever I could, Jaejoong-ah. Even though I was very angry at first when you left us, I was always proud of you all for having the courage to do what you did. Your actions made things easier on all of us now in the company. I guess I just wanted to tell you that, hyung, that I was proud of you, and that I’m not mad anymore.” Changmin finished quietly.

 

Yunho watched as the sensitive singer brushed away his tears, touched by his maknae’s honesty. The leader smiled encouragingly and squeezed Jaejoong’s hand in his.

 

Jaejoong took in a trembling breath and smiled up at the taller man before replying, “Thank you, Minnie-ya. You can never know how much your words mean to me, how much it has touched my heart. I look forward to seeing you when we meet. I know the others will be very excited too.”

 

Yunho gently took the cell phone from Jaejoong’s cold fingers. “Get some rest, Min. I will see you in a few hours.”

 

Changmin snorted. “You better get some rest too, hyung. Don’t want you messing up and keeping me there any longer than I have to be.  You know that will make me very grouchy.”

 

“Goodnight Changmin,” Yunho drawled in reply, grinning from ear to ear.

 

“More like good morning, you mean!” Changmin grumbled before hanging up the phone.

 

Yunho ended the call and slipped the phone back into his jacket pocket. The tall, handsome leader of TVXQ gazed at the talented leader of JYJ and winked, a soft smile gracing his lips before he leaned in and said, “I would go with you to your place and spend the few remaining hours I have getting reacquainted, but as I’m soon to be your “kept” man, I guess we will have more than enough time for that.
 

Jaejoong pouted, “Not if we have to wait until we are done serving our country. Two years is a long time, Yunnie!”

 

“No whining, Kim Jaejoong.” Yunho gently scolded, lowering his head to brush his lips against the singer’s. The leader gazed downwards, memorizing the beautiful face of his Joongie, his dark eyes were filled of love for the singer, silently speaking volumes that made Jaejoong’s heart skip a beat. Tenderly brushing the pad of his thumb against his lover’s bottom lip, Yunho whispered, “We should get going soon, Boojae. In no time the sun will be up and both of us haven’t caught a wink of sleep.”

 

“Yes,” Jaejoong murmured, raising a delicate hand to stifle his yawn, feeling suddenly exhausted after the emotional upheaval he’d experienced in the dark of the alley. The two men quickly stepped away from each other as the back door to Trance opened up, some of the employees leaving the establishment for home. They looked at the singers, and if they recognized Yunho and Jaejoong, they showed no interest in them whatsoever.

 

Feeling the tension slowly uncoiling in his belly, Yunho sighed and ran his hand through his frosted hair, dark brown eyes drifting over to look at Jaejoong who stood dusting off snowflakes from his sweater.  He felt drained and tired, but so very happy. Tonight, he would be able to sleep in heavenly peace, knowing that Jaejoong was soon to be his once more.

 

Feeling Yunho’s eyes upon him, Jaejoong looked up and smiled. “I guess we better go. Even the workers have left before us.” The singer laughed quietly; feeling suddenly shy, as Yunho continued to gaze at him. “Happy New Year, Yunnie-ya.” The singer whispered stepping in closer to dust the delicate snowflakes from the leader’s lapel. Jaejoong smiled with contentment, knowing that for the first time in nearly five years, those three words were spoken honestly. Perhaps it would truly be a happy year for not only Yunho and himself, but for all of the members.

 

“Happy New Year, Joongie!” Yunho smiled, his voice gentle and soft. “I love you.” Yunho watched as Jaejoong blushed, soft pink rose petals on smooth ivory. Lacing his strong fingers with the delicate digits of the singer, the two men slowly walked out from the dark alley, ready to face the challenges the new year may yet bring, feeling confident and whole, for they were finally together . . . at last.

 

       ~Finis~