I've always wanted to be remembered as someone who saw life full of possibilities someone who planned for her future …

To be honest my teenage years wasn’t that exiting  like any teenager could have … I always fight with my parents the reason that made me live with them as my roommates …. I hadn’t friends I could rely on .. just I was living a day of happiness and days full of tears … I  feel happy because I’m not sad and there is nothing who could rain on my parade … I’m was so lonely … a lot of people loved me but my real friends were the  pillow I sleep on and the mirror I talk to  … when I feel like I need a hug to feel better  I hold my pillow as tight as I could .... and to have more self-confident I talk to my mirror … well simply that was my secret to be strong and keep smiling no matter what happen .. I just got used on solving my problems by my own and stand no matter what  .. And I just forget about my present and started planning for my future : how I will live by my own ? … what I kind of person I’m going to be in the future? … I was thinking about the future I deserve to have .. a future that would let me feel the real meaning of happiness … All  I wanted is life full of happiness and success ….

And I released after years that  I was right when I said:” I feel that god is always by my side and one day he will give me what I deserve.. “you wouldn’t guess  how  marvelous the future I have  .. The future that really make me the happiest girl in the world

 So let me tell you about my present and my past after graduating from high school :

After graduating from high school I moved to London to have an international commercial diploma. There I started to become someone else …. There I stared building the new me , starting to build my new life in a completely new environment

As any beginning, it was a bit difficult to get used on new life, new house new friends even new language and food … But after 1 years I succeeded to finally get a cool life, life that I always wanted to have and  all the thanks goes to siwon. The first friend I had there … in fact  I met him in my first lecture .. He was the one who helped me to discover my collage and the city .. he let me meet his friends who became my best friends lately  …. I’ve never thought I could meet someone who  would become my best friend in a day , someone who will accept me the way I am no matter how much we were different and never let me down whatever it happens  ….. Simply I was lucky of knowing him

Well siwon was someone who knew how to relax me and make me laugh in any bad situation …. I had a lot of problems of racism  … they always tell jokes about the way I think … But Hello I’m Sarah …well with siwon’s support I arrived after 1 year to become one of the most popular girls in all the collage …

I spent that year with siwon who was always with me …. Well he was one of the coolest boys of the collage… each girl dreamed to talk to him …. Well at the beginning I didn’t realize why girls were looking at me when I passed in the hall or why would they hate me before knowing me…..  I really had a lot of problem because of their jealousy but that would be nothing in front what I had after 1 year …

siwon and me were acting like a couple … pretending that we were deeply in love with each other But we were just close friends  .. I found  him so different from other guys …  a handsome boy of 20-year-old hates the fact that all girls were chasing after him and  try all their best to steal his attention no matter how … even girls were prepared to offer a night for him just to talk to him … Yeah pity them ! ….

he was different from any other the guys of nowadays who are crazy about girls and relationships, drinking and spending night with girls … but for him,  all that was nothing but  a rubbish  and bull.. while spending time with him I felt like a princess:  he cared a lot about me .. he knew always the right thing to say in any situation … even when I was in my period he could know that .. it was so embarrassing  but I got used on that .. at that time he make sure I drink warm coffee and he kept a medicine for aches in this pocket … I didn’t even do that … well because all those stuffs people thought that we were in love with each other so no one tries to mess up with me …. I was simply known as siwon’s first and only girl .

 It’s true that we got used on acting that way for a year and everything was so perfect in my life until he felt that he was for real deeply in love with me and that what made my life became a mess …  

we were attending a party … before giving me a ride to my place I suggest having  a walk on the beach .. It was a full moon night … the sight was extremely marvelous:

• It was one of the best party I’ve ever attend
• That’s right I really had fun , but it wouldn’t be that enjoyable if I wasn’t there am I wrong ?
• Yap , nothing would be enjoyable if you aren’t with me .. you know sarah since the day I met you everything had changed in my life … i don’t know but I’m feeling that I couldn’t even spend a day without talking to  you
• Me either but why are you saying this that way … are you ok ?
• I really don’t know but yesterday  I was thinking that everything I’m doing depends on you … what would I do if you let me go or if you come back to your home town … why I’m feeling so worry … I don’t know if friends would feel this fear of losing their best
• What are trying to say .. you are scaring me !
• I’m so confused … I just want to know but I’m thinking that we aren’t just close friends .. it’s stronger … I’ve never know which is the real meaning of love but what I’m feeling looks like what I read about it in love stories or what we watch in movies .. am I wrong?
• siwon what are saying … goch I don’t know even what to say .. love?  what are you talking about … I’m tired let’s go
• Sarah wait .. you know exactly what I meant and I’m sure that you are feeling this way … i’m happy with our friend ship but when I think about it I feel like it’s stronger .. I think we are deeply in love with each other .. we weren’t pretending to love each other I didn’t felt it ..
• So you are saying that you love me and I must be in love with you .. siwon listen you know that for me a friendship is a friendship and love is something really different .. maybe you drank more then usual this time let’s just go back home and we will talk tomorrow okk
• I .. you know .. oh forget it maybe you are right ..

After that night I was so confused … I failed in my major exams .. and i was avoiding meeting him .. I didn’t know or understand my feeling .. when it comes to such staffs I think too much and I just act like a jerk

Imagine I started dating one of his best friends kyuhyun …when he knew about it, siwon became another person … he became an alcoholic and playful guy … he stopped attending his lectures .. while I was seeing him that way I was feeling so bad … my heart was aching in a way words cannot  describe how much it hurt me  … and I didn’t know why !  

My life was so perfect until he made me think that we wasn’t friends … more than best friends … dating his friend was a big shock for him I agree but I’m so lost .. damn I hate it when I plan for smthg and it turns into out of expectations….

I though dating someone else would help me making sure that relationships and friendships are different .. but surprise : the guy I dated was crazy about me but why I couldn’t feel comfortable with him …. Even hugging him was a horrible must … i couldn’t feel what I felt for siwon … and in about 3 weeks I broke up and I realized something very important : I LOVE siwon

It was a rainy day …. It was storming outside like it was the end of the world … I was sitting in my room watching old videos … let me say videos about siwon and ME … all the beautiful memories I had in London for 2 years was only with him and his friends : super junior ... the hottest boys of the collage   …. Now I know why people believed in our lie … simply because it wasn’t a lie

I couldn’t hold my tears more and I stormed out of my room …. I didn’t care how much wet I was ... I didn’t felt the cold weather because I was much more cold outside … I need to get in his arms like I used to do when I get cold … I need him to give me his jacket so I wouldn’t catch a cold … I needed him to prepare something that would warm me in such day … I need him to make my place warm again …. He have my heart .. my happiness and my smile …. And I need him back …