This is how his heart breaks:

It’s the book that sits on top of his table, which had been loaned to him with the adamant trust me, you’ll love it, Minseokkie, with a small greeting card slotted between pages twenty-four and twenty-five to mark off where he had last stopped reading. It’s a fan’s gift, this card, but he uses it anyway because it’s convenient and he likes seeing the hearts on it, the stickers placed around the picture of two boys, a picture taken so many years ago when the words 'forever' felt like a promise--

It’s the Rubik’s cube that takes up a spot next to his laptop, slightly dusty because he hasn’t touched it for a few months, incomplete because he hadn’t been able to figure out the right formula without someone's help--

It’s the soccer ball that’s sitting on top of the shelf, the same one that they’ve used since their trainee days; there are enough new ones from fans over the years but they've never bothered to use them because it doesn’t feel the same, it’s not the same. There are rematches and games to be played that won’t be played anymore, at least, not for a long time—

It’s the espresso machine that sits in the kitchen, with the two cups next to it that no one else dares to touch because it’s clearly marked as theirs, one with the tiny chip on the bottom that he pretends isn’t there even though he twitches every time he fills it up and passes it to the owner—

It’s the shoes that sit in the closet, next to his own; same size and pattern but in different colors. It’s meant to be his now, but he’s not ready to put them on, because he’s not, he’s not ready—

It’s the football jersey that he’s taken to wearing a lot more, lately, wrapping himself up in the familiar scent that is slowly fading—

It’s the way everyone treats him, pitying him, treating him like glass because they think he’ll break, shatter because he’s always been one half of a whole for so long, he doesn’t know what else to be—

It’s the memory of Luhan’s face, misery and sadness and guilt but most importantly, his resolve and determination, when he tells Minseok.

This is how his heart begins to heal:

It’s the way Jongin grabs his hand and pulls him out for coffee even though he doesn’t even drink it - let’s get coffee, hyung, my treat - and picks something non-caffeinated after frowning at the menu for the longest time, that ends up in Minseok poking him in the sides and teasing him for making the poor barista wait for his order.

It’s Yixing breaking into song while they’re at the dorms or in the van or at practice, nudging at him to join in, and they end up doing the most out-of-tune and off-beat duet that makes Baekhyun mock them for days.

It’s Tao and Jongdae invading his room first thing in the morning and noisily filling it with their chatter and bickering, until he threatens to stuff their mouths with socks because he’s trying to sleep but they ignore him anyway and he’s left with no choice but to throw his pillows at them, laughing.

And--

It’s the medals that hang above his bed, which reminds him of the day that they had won and stood together, hands clasped as they held the trophy between them while everyone cheered for them. It’s no different from the times they’ve stood next to each other listening to the deafening applause of fans at awards shows; yet this moment had felt special, because it had been just them.

It’s the book that he picks up and hesitantly opens to the last page he had bookmarked – page twenty-five, of course. Three paragraphs in he smiles a little to himself because it is a good book, and clearly a favorite from the way it’s worn out at the edges, the pages slightly crinkled from the number of times it’s been read. He plans to finish it, and return it to its owner one day.

It’s the memory of Luhan’s lips, soft and warm, that misses his own – barely - and instead brushes against skin, next to his mouth, intentional; that sends his heart beating faster and louder in his ears and drowning out the sound of the fans in the background.

It’s not the message that he hears of, the words I’m home posted online for the world to see - but the one that he receives seconds later on his phone, that tells him this is okay. That no matter what, they’ll be okay.

I’ll wait for you.

~fin~

♣ sorry for the weird writing this is just me spewing my emotions
♣ don't listen to akmu’s time and fallen leaves while going through xiuhan pics it will mess you up
♣ this is my closure I guess on the situation with luhan
♣ i won’t stop writing xiuhan – this pairing made me like luhan a lot - but it’ll take me a while to write band!aus again
♣ parents!au will still continue when the inspiration strikes. i’m very fond of the ‘verse.