Title: Without You

Pairing: Hunhan

Word length: 4117 words

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Without you, I’m still left alone here
I’m waiting for you, only believing in you
But I’m a fool

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The door clicks open and a tall, lanky figure enters. His eyes scan nervously around the room, lips pursing together and hands rubbing the side of his sweatpants. His eyes land on a figure who is lying on the lower compartment of the bunk bed. The person immediately stands up, his eyes crinkling as a smile spread over his babyish face. 

"Hey, my name is Luhan. Nice to meet you! I'm guessing you're my roommate?" he chirps and extends his hand. 

Luhan. What a nice name, he thinks as he looked down, his bangs covering his eyes. "I'm Sehun," he mumbles with his lisp. 

"Thehun?" Luhan scratches his head, puzzled at his roommate's name. Sehun bites the inside of his cheeks, his cheeks flushing and burning with embarrassment. 

"Sehun," he emphasizes on the 's' and looks up, their eyes meeting. Luhan smiles again and Sehun notices the wrinkles near his doe-like eyes that appear when he smiles. 

Luhan ruffles his own hair apologetically. "I'm sorry, I did not mean to make fun of you, really!" he says and crinkles his nose. Sehun finds this little gesture adorable and looks away before another blush can form, waving away the apology. He starts unpacking all his belongings with the help of Luhan and then climbs to the top compartment of the bunk bed, assuming that it is not taken. He takes out the manga book from his pocket and starts reading it, smiling to himself. 

"Sehun, are you okay with taking the top compartment?" Luhan's voice calls from across him, his face poking out from the hole in the bed frame. Sehun jumps in shock and drops his book. 

"Ye-yeah... it's fine..." he stutters and picks up the book. Luhan grins and thanks him.

"I have acrophobia, so I have to sleep at the bottom. Sorry and thank you," he says before disappearing back into his bed. 

It was the start of a beautiful friendship, or something more than that.

 

Sehun wipes away the sweat trickling down his forehead with the back of his hand, panting in exhaustion. The other trainees slowly file out of the room, heading back home or to their dormitory to rest. He makes his way towards his friends who are sitting at the corner of the dance studio. He nudges Jongin.

"Want to go get bubble tea?" he smiles at the tanned boy, who is engrossed in watching dance videos.

"Sorry, not now. I'm staying back to practice," Jongin ruffles the younger boy's hair and goes back to watching his video. Sehun huffs and scoots over to his next target who is texting somebody on his phone. 

"Giant, want to go get bubble tea?" he whuispers into Chanyeol's ear and the latter screams in shock. When he realises that it is Sehun, he smacks him and pulls his ear.

"Don't scare me like that!" he yells and hits Sehun again. Sehun lets out a cry of pain and rubs the spot where Chanyeol hit him, pouting. 

"Please..." he whines.

"No, I'm waiting for someone," Chanyeol flatly rejects him and turns away to continue texting, smiling brightly. Sehun rolls his eyes and crosses his arms in annoyance, sulking by himself. 

"I'll go with you," a soft voice says from behind. 

Sehun turns around and faces Luhan who has a kind smile on his face. Luhan stands up and reaches out a hand to pull Sehun up. Sehun's face softens and a small grin creeps onto his face. He stands up and brushes off the imaginary dust on his pants. They leave the building together and head to the nearby bubble tea shop, which thankfully is still open. 

"One chocolate-flavoured bubble tea please," Sehun orders without looking at the menu, "What about you hyung?" 

Luhan stares at the menu, amazed by the different flavours and toppings available. There are some which sounds weird, like blue coral and... embryo? He gulps at the thought of consuming the unborn. He is so engrossed in reading the menu that he does not hear Sehun calling him.

"Hyung, hyung!" Sehun exclaims and tugs at his sleeve. Luhan notices the staff looking at him, waiting for his order and he smiles embarrassingly, scratching his head.

"I'll have a taro-flavoured one, thank you." 

They take their plastic cups and go over to a table, sitting down. An awkward silence blankets them as they drink the bubble tea, not a single word spoken between both men. Luhan stares at the wooden table while Sehun plays with the fabric of his hoodie. 

"Thanks for coming with me hyung," Sehun breaks the silence and says. Upon hearing his words, Luhan breaks out into a smile and shakes his head, saying that it is no big deal. They launch into a conversation, mainly of them getting to know more about each other. 

"Why did you want to become a singer?" Sehun asks.

"I want to become an inspiration for others. I want my voice to heal others." Luhan's eyes are filled with determination and passion. "What about you?"

Sehun smiles and replies, "My dream is to dance in front of millions of people and hear them screaming my name." 

The sound of straws in air are soon heard but the two teenagers remain in their seats, their laughter resounding in the shop. It is only until the shopkeeper comes to inform them that the shop is closing when they decide to leave. Smiles lighting up their faces, they walk towards the dormitory, their incessant chattering the only sound in the quiet night. 

"Hyung," Sehun suddenly says.

"Yes?"

"I was wondering... wondering if you could sing a song for me?" Luhan bites his lips at Sehun's request and nodded, a faint blush colouring his pale cheeks. He opens his mouth and starts singing the first Korean song he ever sung- Like Rain Like Music by Kim Hyunsik.

Sehun will always remember this night, the night when he first heard Luhan singing, his sweet, melodious voice bouncing off the walls of his mind. 

 

"I'm not sure if I can do this," Sehun mumbles, "what if I screw up?" He is afraid of ruining the performance as he had missed out on numerous rehearsals due to his injured ankle, which had only just recovered. He rubs his clammy palms together and shuts his eyes. Suddenly, he feels a hand on his shoulder. Slowly lifting his head up, his eyes meet Luhan's.

"What are you thinking about Hun?" Luhan asks and sits next to him, his hand never leaving his shoulder. Sehun sighs and tells him everything, his voice shaking with uncertainty. "You'll do fine," Luhan ruffles his hair and smiles kindly, his eyes forming half-crescents. Sehun bites his lips while shaking his head. 

"I'm scared hyung. I'm scared of ruining everything. You guys worked so hard while I..." tears start b in his eyes and he takes in a deep breath, careful not to let the tears ruin his make-up. Luhan cups his face and looks at him, his gaze soft and kind. 

"EXO, you're up in ten! Get to your respective positions now!" the stage co-ordinator yells.

"You'll do fine, I believe you," Luhan says.

"But hyung..."

The next moment, Sehun finds himself in Luhan's embrace, his face planted against his chest. Sehun's eyes widen and he gasps quietly, shocked by their physical intimacy. He pulls away, his breath hitching and his heart thumping against his ribcage. Luhan grins at him assuringly, brushing away a strand of hair from Sehun's face.

"Let's go," Luhan grabs Sehun's hand and drags him away from the waiting room. Heat rushes to Sehun's cheeks as he recalls about their hug. Just as he is about to step onto the stage, he glances at Luhan and smiles. Luhan returns the smile, mouthing a few words. 

"Fighting, don't think too much!" 

That night, he performed like no one was watching and as cheers erupted from the crowd, a small, proud smile spreaded over his face. He caught Luhan glancing at him as he rushed to the stage for his own performance and he winked at him, giving him a thumbs up.

 

They sit side by side on the couch. Luhan is resting, his eyelashes falling across his tightly-shut eyes. Sehun looks at him. The faint light illuminates the elder's face, highlighting his delicate features. Sehun smiles contentedly. 

Ever since he was hugged by Luhan, Sehun finds himself spending more time with him. He had grown comfortable to Luhan's company, often calling him in the middle of the night when the latter had schedules in China and finding excuses to be with him, including requesting to be in the same hotel room with Luhan and taking Luhan out whenever Exo-M was in Korea. 

What is this tingly feeling he has whenever he is around Luhan?

Sehun canot find the reason why he is so drawn to Luhan. Is it because opposites attract? They are so different from each other. Luhan is always shy and timid, despite him claiming that he is 'manly'. Sehun would always poke fun at thim whenever he protested fiercely after being called girly. 

"Hyung, the day you are manly will be the day I stop drinking bubble tea," Sehun teased and a smack was delivered swiftly across his back.

"You're a jerk, Oh Sehun!" 

On the other hand, Sehun is the outspoken one, never failing to humour others with his antics and jokes. He is a smooth-talker in front of stangers while Luhan can never find the right words to say.

If Sehun is the sun then Luhan is the moon: reserved, mysterious but always shining. 

Sehun takes Luhan's hand and rubs his thumb repeatedly. "Luhan hyung, I like you. I like you a lot. You're my favourite hyung, you know?" he says quietly, careful not to wake him up. He places his head on Luhan's shoulder and closes his eyes.

"I think I love you," he mumbles, half-asleep.

Little does he know that someone is only pretending to be asleep. Luhan opens his eyes in surprise as he looks down at Sehun. A shy smile graces his features as he gently Sehun's hair.

 

They are side by side on Luhan's bed, a bowl of homemade popcorn being the only thing between them. It's the end of a long day and they are watching one of Luhan's favourite movies together. Sehun's head is slightly tilted to the right as he tries to fight sleep. He occassionally dozes off for a few seconds and is waken up by the bobbing of his head. Luhan chuckles. "If you're tired you can go to sleep first, Hun. I can watch the movie alone."

"Really?" 

"Really."

Sehun nods and grabs his pillow before climbing out of Luhan's bed and going to his. They had moved to a new dormitory and are now sleeping next to each other, with their beds side by side. Sehun crawls into his blanket and tucks himself in, hugging his favourite Rilakumma doll. Luhan watches him and smiles a small, content smile.

The ending credits roll in and Luhan closes his laptop before scooting over to Sehun's bed. He Sehun's rainbow hair slowly, humming a soft tune. "Sehun, are you asleep?"

"Hmm...hyung..." Sehun mumbles sleepily as he turns over and faces Luhan, peeling open his eyes.

"I-I have something to tell you." Sehun nods and gestures for him to continue.

Suddenly, Luhan leans forward and plants his lips against Sehun's. It's a gentle kiss and doesn't last for more than five seconds before Luhan pulls away, but Sehun can feel his heart racing.

Thud-thud, thud-thud. 

"Hyung-" 

"Sehun, I love you."

Luhan looks at him, waiting for an answer, but Sehun is too tongue-tied to speak. He is frozen in his position, his eyes wide open and his cheeks embarrassingly pink. Luhan starts worrying and shakes Sehun, "Hun, say something please."

However, Sehun remains mum. He can only stare at Luhan, an unreadable expression on his face. He looks as if he's about to pass out. "Sehun, say something, you're scaring me!" Luhan exclaims.

"Me too," two words tumble out of Sehun's mouth and he immediately covers his mouth, the colour of his cheeks turning from pink to tomato red. He turns away from Luhan quickly, burying his face in his pillow.

Luhan lets out a soft and shaky gasp. "Hun?"

"Hyung, stop it's embarrassing! I-I like you too. I mean I love you. As in love! You know- love that makes my head spin whenever I see you, makes my heart go crazy, hyung you make me-" 

Before Sehun can finish his sentence, Luhan lunges forward and pulls Sehun into a hug. "Shush, stop. You're making me blush so badly, idiot," Luhan mumbles into Sehun's shoulder. Sehun finally turns around and they look at each other before breaking out into huge grins.

"My idiot," Luhan says.

They press their foreheads together, then their noses, then their lips. 

Sehun feels like his heart is about to explode with bliss.

 

They tell the members about it three days later. A round of congratulations and well-wishes greet them as they hold each other's hands firmly, grateful smiles gracing their features. 

The fans notice a different kind of atmosphere between both of them. 'Hunhan' becomes a trending topic but the clueless fans brush it off as fan service. However, they themselves know it's something more than that and they become braver and braver. From holding hands to shoulder brushes to loving gazes towards one another, they never fail to show how much they love and appreciate one another.

One day after a fanmeet, as they are resting in the waiting room while waiting for their van to arrive, Luhan sits next to Sehun and holds his hand, leaning in for a kiss. Their lips meet and Sehun breaks out into a grin. 

"I'm so thankful for you," Luhan whispers into Sehun's ear and hugs his boyfriend tightly. 

"Can't breathe," Sehun mumbles playfully and rests his chin on Luhan's shoulder before wrapping his arms tightly around his waist. Luhan's laughter tinkers in the room and Sehun thinks it's the most beautiful thing he has ever heard.

"You're so adorable hyung," he blurts out.

Luhan's heart swells with happiness and contentment. He pulls Sehun in closer, wanting to stay in this moment forever.

Forever is nothing but a misconception of time.

 

All hell breaks loose when Sehun enters the dance studio on a cool spring morning.

"Good morning! Sorry I'm late," Sehun says as he puts his bag down.

"At least you came," Suho mutters montonously.

The atmosphere is different; nobody is laughing or making jokes. Even Chanyeol isn't fooling around like his usual self. The members are silently practicing their routine as they prepare for their concert in a few days. Something- no, someone is missing, Sehun realises. He scans the room and sees the M members with red and swollen eyes.

He walks over to Luhan and pulls him aside, "Hyung, what's wrong? What happened? Wait, hyung, are you crying? Don't-don't cry-" Sehun starts panicking as he sees Luhan tearing up. Luhan throws himself into Sehun's arms and Sehun immediately wraps him into a hug, rubbing his back in circles. "It's okay, it's okay," Sehun whispers gently as Luhan sobs into Sehun's shirt.

"He left."

Sehun looks around the room, spotting Zitao in a corner of the room, drinking water and looking like he is about to explode into tears anytime. It finally dawns upon him.

He left.

The leader of Exo-M, the hyung who always took care of Luhan and treated him as his own brother, Zitao's boyfriend, Sehun's Kris hyung; he left without any warnings, without a single word, without even saying goodbye.

Sehun can still remember: two days ago, Kris hyung and him walking towards 7-11 at 2am in the morning to get some food. Kris hyung cracking a cold joke and him pretending to laugh at it while Kris hyung hits him playfully. Their laughter resounding in the cold night.

This morning, a few pairs of shoes were missing from the cabinet. 

You never know when an actual farewell is, because a 'see you again' might easily turn into a 'goodbye' the next moment. 

 

Sehun does not notice how Luhan seems to get more distant, how his mind isn't really on performing anymore. Luhan's eyes don't light up as much when he dances and his voice doesn't sound so sincere when speaking on stage. There are no longer fireworks whenever he sings, just sparks here and there.

Sehun does not notice, because Luhan always seeks comfort from Sehun at the end of each day.

They remain the same, if not better, always finding time to go on secret dates or simply spending their day in the comfort of their dormitory, watching movies or cuddling in each other's beds. 

Days turn into months, months turn into a year and they celebrate their first anniversary in a hotel room, taking polaroids, cuddling, whispering 'I love you' to each other countless times, making love for the first time, promising to be together until the end of time.

 

They are in Beijing for their concert, in their shared hotel room, when Luhan suddenly says, "I want to go home."

Sehun looks up from his phone and says, "Just wait a while hyung, Christmas is two months away. You can apply for leave then." Luhan shakes his head, surprising Sehun.

"I'm so tired Sehun, I want to go home and meet my parents. I haven't seen them since a year ago and I really miss them," Sehun can hear Luhan's voice cracking and he immediately goes to his boyfriend's side. He sees tears streaming down his bare face and for the first time, he notices the heavy bags under his eyes and the exhausted look he wears. Sehun's heart wrenches painfully as he pulls him in for an embrace. They stay like this for a long time, waves of tears drowning Luhan and Sehun silently comforting him.

"I'm sorry hyung, I'm sorry I can't do anything for you. I'm sorry I can't take you home, I'm sorry for being so useless, I'm sorry-" 

Luhan places a finger against Sehun's lips. "It's not your fault. Thank you for being here for me, for being my first friend. I'm really so glad to have you," he stops sobbing and presses his lips on Sehun's forehead.

"I was your first friend?" Sehun asks.

"Mm-hmm."

"That's nice," he smiles and sneaks a kiss, earning a shriek from Luhan. Sehun lifts him up and falls back into the bed. 

"Good night hyung," Sehun whispers and leans onto Luhan.

 

Sunlight peeks through the half-drawn curtain. A loud alarm wakes the sleeping boy as he stretches his limbs lazily. Reaching out, he grabs his phone and silences it before turning around, ready to grab the hand of his boyfriend and wake him up. However, he is greeted by white sheets and a pillow instead. Confused, he scrambles out of bed and looks around the room but Luhan is nowhere to be found. His breathing gets erratic as countless thoughts fill his mind. 

He immediately gets his phone and texts Luhan but there is no reply. Sehun taps on his phone screen impatiently, biting his lips as he paces around the room uncomfortably.

The door clicks open and Sehun spins around. 

Luhan is there, taking off his shoes as he holds a bag of what looks like food. He puts the food down and takes off his shades and scarf. "I'm back-oof!"

Sehun crashes into Luhan, squeezing him tightly. "You scared me," he says with a shaky voice as he heaves a sigh of relief. 

"I went to get us breakfast. I bought your favourite pancakes with maple syrup," Luhan wriggles out of the embrace and goes to take the food out, "eat it while it's hot!"

He watches as Sehun gobbles down the food while he nibbles on his sandwhich. His chest tightens suddenly as guilt pierces his heart.

 

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yeah."

"Can you leave him behind?"

 

Sehun opens his eyes drowsily, staring at the clock when he suddenly shoots up. 

"12 pm? How did I sleep so much? Why didn't Luhan wake me up?" he scrambles to get out of the blanket. "Hyung! Why didn't you wake me up?" he shouts but nobody replies. He looks at the bed beside him and it's already made; typical Luhan.

He walks out of the room and it's awfully quiet. It's a Sunday and everyone should be home. He scratches his head and heads to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Feeling bored, he picks up his phone and calls Luhan.

"The number you're trying to reach is currently unavailable."

He slumps his shoulders and goes back to his room. Sitting down on the bed, he starts watching a drama. Suddenly, at the corner of his eye, something catches his attention. 

Luhan's comics are missing. 

Sensing that something is amiss, he gets out of bed and flings open Luhan's wardrobe.

He falls onto the floor, containing his screams.

Everything is gone. 

Fumbling, he gets his phone and dials Minseok's number. After a few rings, the line gets through.

"Hyung, hyung, where-where is Luhan?" he can barely process what he is saying, his mind going blank. All he can think about is Luhan.

There is mumbling in the background as Minseok replies, "Sehun, calm down, we're rushing back." He then hangs up.

Sehun puts down the phone slowly and stares at the empty wardrobe, wishing that this is all a joke and Luhan will come running into his arms, his laughter echoing in his ears. 

He feels the first few drops of his tears rolling down his cheeks, his legs shivering as he tries to stand up. He collapses onto Luhan's bed, landing face first on Luhan's pillow. He can still smell the shampoo Luhan uses and he sobs harder, still trying to comprehend the situation. All he feels now is his mind whirling and his heart aching so, so painfully.

He hears footsteps and a pair of arms hugging him. He turns around and weeps into the person's chest while screaming, "Why? Why?" 9 pairs of arms engulf him as they huddle together, whispering words of comfort to him. He can hear Zitao sniffing and he cries harder.

When they finally break apart, Sehun is sitting on the edge of his bed, having no more tears left to cry.

"Why, hyung, why?" he stares into nowhere.

Yixing places a polaroid into his hand, saying, "Luhan wanted me to pass this to you." He squeezes Sehun's shoulder and leaves, gesturing for the others to leave as well. 

When he is alone in the room, Sehun gathers all his courage and looks down at the picture.

It's a picture of them on their first anniversary, words scribbled at the bottom of it. 

'Be happy, Sehun-ah.'

"How can I be happy without you?" his lips quiver as he tightens his grip on the picture. He feels his heart shatter, slowly but painfully.

It always hurts more to be the one left behind than to be the one who leaves, Sehun thinks. 

 

Turns out, Luhan left EXO. He wanted to go home, to be able to pursue his own dreams instead of being bounded by a contract. Day by day Sehun wishes that Luhan will regret his decision and return. Day by day Sehun is disappointed. 

"What about me, hyung?" Sehun mutters under his breath as he scrolls through pictures of them, a pang of nostalgia hitting him upon seeing those smiles, the happiest days of his life.

 

Sehun arrives at the bubble tea shop, ordering the usual drink and waits for another voice to say, "I'll have a taro-flavoured one, thank you." The only thing he hears is the staff asking him to wait at the other side of the counter. 

He is practicing when he trips over his shoe lace, a sharp pain piercing through his ankle. He waits for a soft voice to ask him, "Are you okay?", but instead Jongin rushes over, his brows creasing in concern as he says, "Did you get distracted again? The injury looks bad."

He rests in bed, waiting for a familiar face to peek through the door and enter, kissing him on the cheeks before sighing, "I hate seeing you getting injured. It hurts me too." 

He shuts his eyes, mumbling, "It will never be the same without you, hyung."