Luhan is broken, and he knows. 

He knows when the familiar knots in his stomach as the plane takes off don't unwind like they should, but instead knot tighter, keeping him awake and feeling like at any minute he may need that bag in the seat in front of him.

He knows when after practice he doesn't fall gracefully to the floor with others in a sweaty pile feeling accomplished but rather walks himself back to the wall to slide down it to the floor, afraid that if he just tries to sit it may go all sorts of wrong.

He knows when he is still awake at two in the morning even though he has to wake up at four, and no matter how many sheep he counts he can't fall asleep.

He knows when, after one performance, he barely makes it off the stage before he is stumbling forward, and the only thing that keeps him from meeting the floor is Yixing’s back, which is close enough to catch him.

Yixing notices of course, and he asks if Luhan is alright. 

Luhan says he's fine. 

In his heart he knows he isn't.

He knows when he goes to the doctor and they tell him he needs to stop.  That he needs to rest.  That he is in no way fit to keep living the way he is, but Luhan also knows that he doesn't know how to stop. 

Maybe, he thinks, maybe a break will work, so he takes one, and the relieved looks on s’ faces make him wonder if they also know what Luhan does.

Luhan knows he doesn't want them to.  They have enough to worry about.

Besides even if they do, others don't, or they don't care, and Luhan knows he needs to perform in Beijing. 

He knows that. 

In fact he wants that.

It was his dream and all, before he was so broken, and, as he pushes everything away and works through those performances, as he smiles on that stage and lives that somewhat forgotten dream, Luhan is happy because for a moment everything is perfect.

Then the concert ends.  He barely keeps from fainting back stage, and Luhan knows again that he has to stop.

He knows this even more when his mother, his mother who could say so many things, says nothing when she sees him.  Instead, she just cries and tries to hug him, but seems afraid to squeeze too hard because she doesn't know how much she can do before he breaks.

Luhan wants to tell her to squeeze harder because he's already broken and maybe her squeezing will put him back him together instead.

He stays with her.  They talk.  Luhan talks about not knowing how to stop.  About not knowing how to leave when a part of him wants to stay.

He made promises he wants to keep.

He knows he can't keep them when they're done, no matter how much he wants to. 

Not when the schedules keep coming, the rejections keep flowing, and his health keeps failing.

He has to stop, and so he does, and Luhan hopes the world, but especially a very select few members of it understand that sometimes what you want isn't what life will allow you to have.

You just have to take what you can get and make the best of it as you go.

I apologize if this made anyone upset.  It’s the ramblings of a mind trying to cope with a situation it didn’t want to see come to pass.

Stay strong guys.  Everything gets better eventually.