5 years ago...

It was close to 2am and the skyline of Seoul was lit up with a million twinkling lights, the city racing on towards oblivion. The girls had had yet another gruelling day of training, vocal practice, vocal recording, then more training, finally ending off with a well deserved trip to a spa in Sinsa to work wonders on their aching feet.

      Jessica was almost always the most tired out of everyone. It was true that she was a hard worker in Girls Generation, maybe occasionally even to a fault. But her anaemia made it doubly hard on some days to plough through the endless musical projects that promised perfection and guaranteed a mountain of stress.

      And yet, for some reason, she didn’t feel nearly as tired as she should be. In fact, her senses were alert and her body was aflame with awareness pulsing through her skin. It was because a certain short brunette with the weirdest chuckle on the planet was lying beside her on her bed in Girls Generation’s dorm. Like on other occasions, Taeyeon had just knocked quietly on the door to Jessica’s bedroom and slipped in without asking for permission.

      Jessica liked it better that way. It was like the group’s leader always knew when she needed some company and was only too happy to oblige. Unlike other times when Taeyeon would tease Jessica endlessly about her phobia regarding cucumbers, the conversation had turned serious rapidly as the minutes ticked by.

           “Yah, Sica! Just tell me already,” Taeyeon begged in Korean.

      Jessica rolled her eyes outwardly in response. But inwardly, her heart was racing at the adorable pout on the Kid Leader’s face. “Yah, Taengoo! Why are you asking me difficult questions so late at night? I want to sleep...” she trailed off, feigning annoyance.

       But Taeyeon wasn’t having any of it. She perched her heart-shaped face delicately onto her upturned hands as she stared expectantly at the ice princess.

       Jessica sighed and took to staring at the ceiling. “I don’t know, Tae. The future’s so far away, there’s just no time to dwell on it. All we have is right now with SNSD. And for now, it’s more than enough.” She gasped when she felt a warm hand encircle her wrist and she was forced to make eye contact with the shorter girl.

           “That’s what worries me, Sica,” Taeyeon declared, a sad smile flitting across her child-like face. “It’s true, SNSD is happening right now. But what about later when you will start to want more? I just...I don’t want you to have any regrets. Not ever.”

       Jessica finally found the courage to turn onto her side and look at Taeyeon. “I could never have any regrets about SNSD, especially about meeting you. You’re my best friend, Kim Taeyeon. I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

           “I don’t know either,” Taeyeon answered automatically. “I mean me, not that I’m being cocky about you needing me,” she added in a hasty voice when Jessica quirked an eyebrow.

          “Yeah, ok,” Jessica quipped, shaking her head and laughing at Taeyeon’s expense. The girl was far too derpy for her own good.

        “You look so cool in sunglasses,” Taeyeon muttered out of the blue a moment later.

        “Bwuh?”

        “I’m serious. Every photo shoot we’ve ever done, especially in High Cuts. You always just look...daebak.”

        “You need to sleep, Taengoo. You’re already starting to make less sense.”

        “Yah! I’m serious,” Taeyeon defended with a smile on her face. “You should totally be on more runways. Maybe you could model some really cool sunglasses.”

        “Yeah, maybe,” Jessica agreed, humouring the kid leader.

        “Or maybe you could run your own fashion line. y glasses and everything,” Taeyeon teased.

       “Go to sleep, Taengoo,” Jessica commanded. And yet, it had been the start of it all. Something far greater than the two of them that would change their lives forever.

Now...

Jessica was already late for her brunch date with Tyler. Then they still had to head back to Incheon International Airport and catch the next flight back out to New York to meet with the new investors for Blanc.

     Given the current state of affairs, there were a million things that needed to be done, things that needed to be changed and amended from a legal perspective. It was a wonder that Jessica hadn’t keeled over already from the sudden upheaval she was experiencing in her life.

     And it was only made worse by what she considered an unnecessary bidding of farewells between her and the girls. It wasn’t goodbye forever since she was still technically on SM’s payroll. But this was a lot harder than she’d bargained on, especially when faced with a tearful Hyo (something she only saw sporadically in dire situations) and Tiffany whose eyes were dry, but still told of unspeakable misery and resignation.

      Worse still was the lack of reaction on Taeyeon’s part in light of her being excluded from the group. Jessica had expected at least one word of anything from the kid leader, something that would tell her exactly what that girl was feeling. But she’d barely said anything to her since it happened. Had their old friendship really meant that little after all?

      It took everything in Jessica not to break down in front of Taeyeon as she hugged Yuri and planted an affectionate kiss on the maknae’s cheek for old times’ sake. “I’m really sorry about everything, guys,” Jessica declared in English, feeling extraordinary weighty in the moment.

           “So are we, Sica. Be good, ok?” Sooyoung said, her lip wobbling with the effort not to start crying.

           “Don’t worry, we’ll keep an eye on Krystal for you during the times you’re not here in person.” Sunny assured her.

          “If Tyler invests even 1,000 won of yours badly, I’ll kill him.” Yoona warned.

          “Yoona, give it a rest already!” Hyo scolded.

          “What? I’m just saying I’m all over it just in case,” Yoona protested for all it was worth.

          “Bye, girls. I’m gonna miss this more than you know.” Jessica concluded.

      For the briefest second, her eyes locked on Taeyeon’s. And in that one look, they shared a multitude of bittersweet memories starting with the first time Taeyeon helped Jessica with improving her Korean to that heated argument they could barely remember the details of that had ruined their wonderful friendship.

     And then it was gone in the blink of an eye, along with the past 7 years that Girls Generation had reigned undefeated in the Kpop world. Right along with that spark of possibility Jessica had held onto for so long where she imagined that the galaxy of angst standing between her and Taeyeon no longer existed and they’d finally be more than just friends and band mates. It had all vanished, never to be repeated again.  

1 year later...

Girls Generation had just completed another album right after the final one they made with Jessica still in the group. And just so they wouldn’t have time to sit around and mope about what had transpired before, SM Entertainment scheduled the now 8-member band to do promo after promo for the new album; they did a multitude of fan signings in Seoul and even in LA during K-Con a month ago. Then there were the countless tours they’d just completed in South East Asia, ending off in Japan just a few days before.

     The girls were exhausted and so was Taeyeon, especially with all the new responsibility she now carried within SNSD. With that said, she still made time to sneak out during short breaks to surf the internet on her personal laptop and even make secret trips across the globe without telling anyone the particulars.

      But the other members weren’t stupid; they knew exactly what Taeyeon was doing. Ever since Jessica had been forced out of Girls Generation, Taeyeon had suffered through countless sleepless nights, going over in her mind all the things she could’ve said and done differently to have undone Jessica leaving the group. She knew in her heart that everything culminating in the girl’s final departure had been like the writing on the wall – it was bound to have happened anyway. But a gnawing feeling of guilt resided deep in her bones over the one thing she’d never done anything about, and that was telling Sica how she really felt and that she regretted the way they’d left things. Since that ugly fight years before and long afterwards.

      Thinking that the girls were wholly unaware of her actions, Taeyeon took every moment she got to scroll through news articles online about Jessica and her flourishing business. It had been touch-and-go from the start when Jessica realised she’d have to shoulder most of the financial responsibility for Blanc when SM eventually reduced their controlling interest to a mere 15%. But somehow through it all, she’d survived and the company had done exceedingly well for that financial year. So much so that there was even talk of a new line of swimwear that was scheduled to grace the catwalks at Paris Fashion Week during the summer.

      Taeyeon was immensely proud of her old friend’s achievements. But it was much too hard telling her that in person. And when they did see each other for company events on rare occasions, Jessica barely made eye contact or spoke to her. It hurt Taeyeon more than she could verbalise into words. Yuri had once offered to write a sad song just for her unnie to that effect, but the kid leader had quelled the young prankster’s attempts with a glacial frown.

      So Taeyeon was left with saving any new pictures and articles of Jessica onto her phone and staring at them for hours when she couldn’t sleep. And when she actually got a holiday, she found herself making secret trips to any places where Jessica was rumoured to be, hoping to catch just a glimpse of the girl to make sure she was really as happy as the papers said.

      As far as the kid leader could tell, business was booming and Jessica Jung looked settled in her relationship with Tyler Kwon. There was even talk of a wedding happening in the spring. Taeyeon knew she should feel happy that Sica was moving on for the better, away from the Company’s puritanical views and stifling atmosphere. Instead, all she felt was immense grief for what could’ve been, but never would be now.

6 months after that...

        “This is crazy! Would someone please tell her she can’t do this?!” Yuri screamed for the umpteenth time. Why was it that the girls only paid attention to her when she was goofing off and chose to ignore her now when she was dead serious?

     The 8 of them were all gathered in Taeyeon’s lavish apartment, watching dumbly as the kid leader piled items of clothing into a Hello Kitty suitcase she’d bought on an impulse a few weeks ago. Actually, Sooyoung and Seohyun were helping Taeyeon pack clothes into her suitcase. But that didn’t stop them from wandering about the logic of this sudden decision taken by their fearless leader.

        “Yuri-ah, you can’t talk me out of this. Even if you could, that means I’ll never do anything again for the rest of my life. And honestly, that depresses me more than doing something really insane.” Taeyeon declared for all the world to hear.

         “Oh good, so you admit that what you’re doing is insane,” Yuri fired back, pinching the bridge of her nose in exasperation.

         “Tae, I’m all for living and letting live, but Yuri’s right. Where is this even coming from? And more importantly, why has Sica never known that you’ve felt this way all along?” Sunny asked.

        “Because I’m an idiot. The biggest one that ever lived,” Taeyeon replied.  She had already shed so many tears since she’d finally made up her mind. But that didn’t make what she was about to do any easier.

        “Taengoo, it’s been a year since Sica left the group. Are you only doing this because Sica announced the date of her wedding?” Yoona probed.

     Taeyeon stopped in the midst of ramming a balled up pair of socks into a tight corner of her bag as she thought it over. Yes, it had been because of the wedding announcement. But all these years of standing by and not doing anything about her romantic feelings for Jessica had finally taken their toll on her. She knew that she was being selfish and making a big decision for all the wrong reasons. But she was so tired of denying it, even to herself and the women she’d spent years with growing up and turning into the person she’d later become. “I’m so tired, Yoon. I’m tired of fighting how I really feel. I should never have let Sica go. From the group and from me. If nothing else, I just want to tell her that, and that I’m sorry for everything.”

        “Then you should follow your heart, unnie.” Seohyun said quietly, much to everyone’s surprise. Taeyeon moved towards the maknae of the group, who’d grown up into a beautiful woman who was her constant pillar of strength, and kissed her sweetly on the forehead.

       “You’re pretty quiet, Fany. What do you think of all this?” Sooyoung asked. Tiffany, who’d practically grown up with Sica for most of her life, who liked to think that she was Sica’s closest friend in the whole wide world even now, who’d never said a thing (good or bad) during the transition to an 8-member group, finally had the podium in front of her.

        “Taengoo, I know you did everything in your power to keep the group together, to keep us all happy. But you’re right, you were an idiot to let Sica go without fighting for her, not even once.” Tiffany began in a severe tone. Taeyeon hung her head in shame and the tears finally ran down her cheeks. Tiffany sighed and continued: “If you’re only leaving now to go after Sica because you’re guilty and you’re sorry, then I’m begging you not to do this. But...if you really love her, then you should go after her. I’ll always have your back on that.”

      Taeyeon looked up and was relieved when that familiar eye-smile dotted Tiffany’s face as she looked at her friend. “I’m outnumbered,” Yuri muttered to the ceiling as Taeyeon and Tiffany engulfed one another in a tight bear hug.

        “You’ll get over it,” Hyo scoffed, moving to place a sympathetic hand on Yul’s shoulder.

        “Yuri-ah, do I have your blessing?” Taeyeon asked finally. Yuri rolled her eyes and sighed. “Go on then. But I’m not picking up your dirty tissues from the floor or making you japchae when your heart gets broken over this.”

        “Yuri-yah!” Seohyun barked.

        “I’m kidding!”

        “I call dibs on babysitting Ginger,” Yoona called out.

        “No! I wanted Ginger,” Tiffany pouted.

        “What do you want Ginger for? You already have your own dog, you moron!” Sunny retorted.

       “You realise you’re all fighting over a male dog with a girl’s name, right?” Sooyoung reminded everyone.

      Taeyeon snickered to herself while the girls continued bickering about who got to look after Ginger while she was gone. She had more important things to worry about after all. Was she too late?

The next night...

Jessica sat listlessly in her penthouse suite in New York waiting for Tyler to come over. Even though they were supposed to be planning the wedding together, he was spending more and more time in the office or out till all hours of the night drinking and clubbing. It wasn’t that Tyler mistreated her; on the contrary, he was very attentive as a boyfriend and a lover when he was around.

     Yet, Jessica still felt dissatisfied, as if she’d left a chunk of her heart behind in Seoul. Blanc was doing exceptionally well and she couldn’t be happier about it. But it made a pit form in her stomach when she thought of everything and everyone she’d given up to get to this point in her life. Had it been worth it? Or had she made a terrible mistake?

      She was thinking about all of these things when the doorbell rang and Kim Taeyeon was suddenly standing in her living room. Even though she was looking far too thin, Jessica had to admit that Taeyeon looked exceedingly good with her brown hair that now reached past her shoulders. The kid leader even looked like she’d grown an inch or two in the past year and a half. Sica wondered if it was because she still slept walked all over the show, and it made her heart ache all over again.

         “Tae, what are you doing here?”

         “I know you think that I magically stopped caring about you after that big fight we had a million years ago. But the truth is that I was only ever angry because I cared so much. I cared about you and losing someone important to me that I just couldn’t think straight. So I tried to put as much distance between us as I could. I thought it was the right thing to do.” Taeyeon began with some difficulty.

         “Why are you telling me this now? I’m getting married and you wanted me out of SNSD-”

        “No! I never wanted you to leave, Sica. I was just too stubborn and proud to admit it, how much I needed you to stay. I wanted to be with you forever. I still do.”

      Taeyeon was inching closer and closer to Jessica as she spoke and it was making the blonde wholly aware of her soft breath floating over her skin. It had been a long time since they’d been close like this in any capacity and it was unnerving her a great deal.

         “You can’t do this,” Jessica mumbled stubbornly, leaning back on the arm rest of the luxurious sofa behind her for support. “You can’t just fly here and ambush me with this...sweet and caring talk like the old days, Taengoo. You were right when you said I should think about the future a long time ago. I finally did and I realised that this was where I was meant to be all along. So you win.” She whispered weakly.

      Taeyeon shook her head and moved closer, grasping Sica’s hands and entwining their fingers. “No, I don’t win. I lost. I’ve been losing from the moment I let you walk away. I don’t want you to marry Tyler. Marry me instead. I’m in love with you, Jessica Jung.”

      Jessica was blown away by Taeyeon’s abrupt confession. “What about Baekhyun?” she countered stiffly. Like Taeyeon, she’d been keeping tabs on the kid leader since she severed ties with SM. And it had been a good two months since she’d heard anything about Taeyeon’s boyfriend.

         “We broke up. It started falling apart slowly when SNSD became branded as an 8-member girl group. I always had someone else in my heart; I just didn’t know it for the longest time.” Taeyeon admitted with a wry smile.

      Jessica wanted to push her away, but she didn’t have the strength to do it. “You’re ridiculous.”

         “I know.”

         “You’re being totally unfair coming here and messing up everything for me.” Jessica complained.

          “I don’t care,” Taeyeon murmured, leaning in closer. “I love you, Sica. I’m not going to apologise for loving you with everything in me.”

         “I hate you,” Jessica grumbled. And then out of nowhere, she was the one moving in and engulfing Taeyeon in a wild and lurid kiss that shot through their senses like a dose of charged up caffeine. Taeyeon was only too happy to oblige, her hands leaving Jessica’s and resting instead on her shapely hips as she pressed their bodies together. The moment was made all the more sweeter when Jessica wound her arms around her neck and emitted breathy sighs of pleasures every time their lips parted and dove back into each other.

      By the time they were finished, their breathing was unsteady and Jessica’s pale skin was infused with a delicious touch of rouge. “We can’t do this, Taengoo. I’m getting married,” she whispered in sudden despair, which belied the fanfare of joy running through her veins.

         “You don’t have to. Run away with me.”

         “You’re an idiot.”

         “I know.”

         “Stop agreeing with me!”

         “I can’t help it. I love you.”

         “And I love you too,” Jessica protested, even though it hadn’t been her first choice of words, despite meaning it. “But you’re still with SNSD and I’m still doing Blanco. We can’t just lose our minds like this.”

         “Why can’t we?” Taeyeon asked back, trailing a pale finger over Jessica’s cheekbone. “We’ve waited too long to still be sensible and unhappy. Don’t you agree?”

         “Tae...”

         “I want you to make a choice, Sica. I’m risking everything and putting myself out there, because I want you and I believe in us, that we can make whatever this is between us work. Who do you want? Tyler or me? I’m asking to you choose ‘us’. Please.” Taeyeon begged.

     Their arms were still woven tightly around each other. And they stayed in that position for a very long time till Sica finally made up her mind once and for all. About everything.

Another 5 years after that...

Jessica found herself back in South Korea doing promotions for the first chain of Blanc stores opening countrywide. The company had recently branched out into a profitable line of cosmetics that was being supplied and bought worldwide by crazed teenage girls of varying ethnicities and cultural backgrounds. Things had gone so well that she was back in Korea negotiating new terms involving SM’s royalties which would make both her and her former company even richer. Things couldn’t be better.

     Jessica amended that last thought when the love of her life came sprinting towards her and enveloped her in a tight hug. “Ouch, Taengoo! You saw me a few days ago – you’re going to crack my ribs,” Sica joked.

          “Too bad, I’m never letting you go again,” Taeyeon whispered against her neck as she hugged her wife. It had been a rocky ride since that night that Tae came to New York and told Sica she loved her. But they’d stuck it out through the many trials of coming out to the public as a couple and Tae’s musical career shifting from the leader of a prominent girl group to becoming a successful solo artist in the stead of the greats like Boa at SM Entertainment. Naturally SM had kicked up a fuss when they first heard the news. But Taeyeon made it plain that she would kick up a bigger fuss if they didn’t let her live her life and be happy with the woman she loved. The matter was never discussed again and Taeyeon even got a hefty signing bonus on her current contract as a result.

     They got married shortly after Jessica finally decided to settle down in Korea for good and start her new life with the girl of her dreams. They’d come so close to losing it all years ago. But when she thought back on it, she realised that everything they’d gone through, as band mates, as friends and as lovers, had prepared them for the new chapter in their story.

          “Promise you’ll always keep chasing me no matter what?” Sica asked for old times’ sake. It was a running joke of theirs. Taeyeon the contours of her cheek and her heart swirled deep within at the loving gesture. “Always.”

~ Fin ~