Today is officially the first day I start as an intern in order to gain work experience and satisfy requirements for my qualification as a make-up artist. Supposedly.

Honestly speaking, I don’t know what type of profession I want to get in as. My parents has been constantly nagging my ears off saying things such as:

“Be a doctor! It’s a high paying job!”

“You better get a law degree. Lawyers earn stacks of money.”

“Why aren’t you studying?”

“You better get into Seoul University. Or at the least Yonsei or  else don’t even bother  to have the nerve to call yourself my daughter.” 

“Don’t choose those courses, they won’t help you in life!”

“Trust me, this is what you should be doing. 100% sure this is what you like.”

I’ve never liked studying but who am I to complain to? Who does. I’m too scared to quit school.

I’ve always been sick of the same repetitive days. Grown- ups and parents keep instilling confined dreams to me. It’s not a forced dream, a ninth inning relief pitcher. Always throwing fast balls at the waste of time that is night study sessions. 

One of the many things I lack is courage and bravery. Having strong urges to rebel against the hellish society. Asking myself about my dream profile and having desires to become the main subject of my life that had always been suppressed.

This is probably the sole reason why I took a gap year instead of enrolling straight to university. From all the constant persuasion to do this or to do that, I am still far beyond having knowledge what I should be doing right now. I need a little bit more time to figure out who I truly want to be. 

Lately, I’ve been taken up an interest in cosmetics (to my parents’ dismay) and I applied to various companies and entertainment to do their artists’ makeup but have been continuously rejected. 

Maybe due to the fact that they don’t take interns but mostly because I am roughly the same age as the singers and they can’t risk for their employees and generic money-making machines to apparently “fall-in-love” with anyone, resulting to huge scandals and the end of their idol careers along with the members and whatnot.

Psh. As if I have the potential attractiveness to charm them. 

Not sure if I should label those companies to be overflowing with caution or just utterly moronic to have a strong mindset that everyone falls heads over heels for the idols who are overly whipped about their so-called flower boy looks. 

You might wonder: “Why does it necessarily have to be boy groups ? Can’t she apply for an internship for girl groups?”

Well, the gist is this. Girl groups, like it or not, are just a bunch of egotistical girls that lack depth in respect and personality. Absolutely a pain to work with; especially the ones that have gotten slightly more popular since their last singles were released and how their album sales shot a bit higher up on the charts. There is not one ounce of humbleness to them and since I’m a girl myself, I wouldn’t want to risk being harassed by them every day. Experienced it beforehand.

I instinctively remember working for a particular rookie girl group called Fiesta and no matter how much time I controlled not to snap and educate their bratty attitudes, it was still pretty overwhelming. I was being considerably nice to them but in the end, they didn’t seem to appreciate me and one day I finally had enough…You would expect me to actually rage at them to no end, pull the finger, stomp out the building and have my head held high and I would’ve wanted it to end it like that but….contrasting to that, I did nothing but let my emotions interfere in the most unattractive way. 

I started trembling really badly, and my eyes started welling up. Instantly, I tried controlling myself but despite my willpower, endless tears started to fall and I couldn’t utter a word. 

So much for wanting to be a badass and rebel in an ultra cool way.

The embarrassment I felt and the pity the staff gave me and the members of Fiesta feeling no remorse for what they did to me. I remembered it as if it happened yesterday and by no means I would never want it to happen to me again. Like, EVER.

I guess in a way, boy groups are much more easy to handle, considering the fact that I've been friends with mainly guys in high school than girls. Don’t get me wrong though. I’m not obsessively girly OR a highly arrogant and flirtatious person…It’s just that well…guys are much more simple-minded. The equation is simple.

Simple-minded= Less drama

Besides, I’m not like the other girls. Other Korean girls don’t randomly start dancing with wild expression plastered on their faces in the public. Heck, no girl would have an instant mechanism of dancing when she hears music. I don’t really mind how people perceive of me though.

In nice terms you can say I’m…different, but put it in a harsher term, I’m retarded and delusional; on the exterior anyways. 

My ways of thinking and doing things are considerably different from most people anyways. It would be considered unacceptable in Seoul though. If only people were more embracing…but I can’t keep this thought for too long. I don’t like to be the type of person to dwell. Dwelling always leads to false hope and trust me when I say this: false hope is even worse than death on so many levels.

I may have a lot of thought occupying my mind once in a while, thoughts that make me a sad bitter person but normally no-one knows this because I usually wear a façade that hides my sadness and bitterness. I’m usually viewed as a happy and energetic person but no-one knows who I truly am. 

I believe there are many people out there like me. Wearing a mask to hide who they truly are, simply because they’re afraid to get hurt or afraid of people not granting acceptance to who they actually are. 

I’m probably a little bit of both.

I know it’s not right to have this kind of thought but…

hopefully one day I would be able to meet someone…

anyone at all…

that is able to see…

who I truly am and love me for it..

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Ha. Who am I kidding?

I’m being delusional yet again.

First chapter posted up! :)

Haven't officially started the story because I wanted to give a little insight to the main female protagonist.

I notice that most of the main female characters in these asian fanfics are all really optimistic, happy, bubbly and everything in between. I guess what they're missing is a flaw; at least one flaw. Because no-one in this world is that perfect or live that worry-free, you know? It's great to create a character that the reader can personally connect with and make the character seem at least a tad bit normal and down to earth and hopefully I had delivered to make my character at least a bit more engaging and interesting ^^

And not sure if you noticed but I used a bit of the English translations to the lyrics of BTS's song 'No More Dreams'. Heh. Hopefully you've enjoyed what supposedly is my first chapter. ;)