Chapter 9

It was gentle, tentive as he kissed and kissed her again. Whether or not it was unintentional, Tae Ni had wrapped her arms around his neck and Jimin slipped his arms around her waist, pulling her a bit closer despite the fact that they were sitting.

She was beginning to realise how far down in her memory she'd buried her teenage years. Jimin on the other hand, felt like he was envisaging. He hadn’t thought about a movement of release yet. In fact, neither of them did.

Tae Ni had her eyes closed, passionate as her own train of thought went on the wrong track unintentionally. Her heart pounded against her chest. Scared even, in case Jimin could hear the raged heart trying to escape her ribs.

This, in fact, made her confused but thoughtless in her own world. The connection that came floating around their heads was like dancing stars without the comatose affect. A sort of connection that grew on her like a virus.

Yes, this was a stupid and unsophisticated idea to have an understanding of this sort of affection but it got to her head.

Jimin had stayed by her side for what may seem like a decade in terms of their closeness in friendship. And although they had tolerated each other for the couple years they have been by each other sides, Tae Ni hadn’t thought about the barrier she had unintentionally created. Today she had thought otherwise to think she had sneaked a peek.

She pulled away from the kiss, almost in a flashed instant feeling slightly regretful.

Silence.

“Do… do you… regret it?” Jimin asked, worriedly. Not only because she hadn’t said a word the past couple of minutes, or the fact that she hadn’t made any eye contact with him, but he was afraid he’d known what her answer would be.

Luckily for him, she shook her head no and looked up at him softly smiling before asking the same question. He, too, shook his head no.

As much as she didn’t want this to end up in an awful awkward situation, she couldn’t help but pressed her lips together, eyes wandering anywhere but his eyes. The kiss had stuck a chord in her heart in which made a complete mess for her to deal with. There was no doubting that she had felt something, but it confused her.

She contemplated about it, but the whole ideological approach about being pretentious about this situation would be too much of a giveaway that she was embarrassed in at war with herself. She was in complete in denial.

Jimin had tilted his head, angling it to catch her gaze, and when he did he chuckled.

“Are you okay Tae Ni? You seem a little flushed.”

“Huh? Oh… yeah. I’m fine. I just… wow. Okay.” Snapping out of her daze, she sighed as if she had shaken things back to normal. He took a closer look at her, teasing her with the slightest tint of a cheeky grin.

“Naw~ is the little baby embarrassed?” He pinched her cheeks, squishing them together to at least ease in the situation. He could tell what she had been feeling, so this was the perfect opportunity to .

She didn’t need to think about it twice. She grabbed a pillow from the closest couch, waiting to comfort people’s butts before hitting his arm several times. Instead of having him yell for help, he continued to laugh hysterically at how he’d known correctly of her emotional state as of now. For Tae Ni, this did not go as planned.

Could she really go on with pretending this was all for compromise between really close friends?

As a matter-of-fact, she could barely say yes to that.

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Tae Ni couldn’t even fall asleep easily. They say, ‘just close your eyes and you’ll eventually drift off to sleep,’ but Tae Ni couldn’t even handle silence without feeling and hearing her own heart beat pound her chest.

You may think this was all stupid, and that she should just admit to herself that she had feelings for Jimin, obviously. But Tae Ni had a trait of self-respect. She had known what she felt and could predict what her nerves would tell her in almost any situation like she was reading the back of her hand. She could calculate her own heart beat and predict when it would start to race – which would obviously happen if she were ever around Taehyung or breathe the same air.

But this was different. In fact, she didn’t like it. She didn’t like how it made her feel. She didn’t like the fact that she hadn’t known this would happen. She didn’t like the fact her own heart told her she had an intimate feeling towards Jimin.

Why now?

She’d already ‘had something’ with Taehyung that could lead to a bigger thing in terms of the relationship between the two, and she didn’t want to ruin that.

With all the kicking and tossing of her blanket, the moment ruined her. She’d almost completely forgotten about Taehyung and their dates, her parents coming home and cooking her favourite meal for dinner, and that time was there displayed to shock her with the digits 3:47 in the morning.

It’s what a moment does to you. You completely forget about everything except for its cause – the kiss in this case.

All she could do was lie still and let her thoughts flick through category Jimin and feel a mixture of emotions she could not describe. She let it run through like a picture book.

Don’t get her wrong. She loves Jimin with all her heart, but that was another problem. It was ‘obvious’ to her that Jimin hadn’t had a single heart waver when it came to her. She’d known he’d only love her as a best friend, sister perhaps. She questioned herself whether she was ‘friend zoned,’ but it didn’t occur to her as a serious matter since she had Taehyung. All she had to do was tell herself that it was just a mere kiss, nothing more or nothing less.

And that’s what she did for the rest of the night. Her eyes closed but she’d still been awake with her heart at war with herself.

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“Tae Ni?” Instantly, she blinked herself to wake from… well whatever it is she dazed from. She’d woken to find herself in the library with Taehyung, his hands wavering in front of her face with apprehension plastered onto his face.

“Are you okay? You look a bit pale.” Tae Ni could reason with Taehyung’s sudden remark. She hadn’t gotten much sleep the other night. She ended up sleeping for 2 hours or so in her bed and throughout the whole time of the sunrise watch with Jimin, she had fallen asleep on the fort they had made on the rooftop; several pillows and 4 thick blankets.

It was their territory now.

“I’m fine. I couldn’t get a lot of sleep last night, that’s all.” She glided her hand, concealing half her face before slithering it down to her neck, rubbing the back of it, soothing it as if she had regarded it paining her.

Taehyung huffed in seeing her condition. Dark circles are merely visible because of her pale skin; the kind that didn’t glow and made her red cheeks more prominent.

“Spent all night studying?” He said it in a certain confident tone, as if he knew that was the reason to her lethargy.

No. Jimin is what happened. I kissed him then my heart malfunctioned and my brain bombarded me with all sorts of feelings morphed into one, that’s all. No big deal.

“Something like that. I guess stress got to me.” Lies! The only stress there is exists in the form of a Jimin.

She dazed at complete nothingness without even being conscious about it. She had her arm propped as she balanced her jaw onto her hand as her mind went blank. Heck, she didn’t even notice Taehyung take out his phone wrapped around by his earphones.

He unravelled it, revealing his phone before placing an ear bud in her ear closest to him. Only then she noticed what he was doing. He scrolled down the multiple list of songs before tapping on one.

“They say listening to music is a stress reliever. Hope you don’t mind my kind of music.” He commented. She smiled softly before nodding and closed her eyes, reeling the music into her.

His choice of music wasn’t bad. It had a good vibe to it. Only then she swayed very slowly to the song.

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“Yun Tae Ni!” She’d woken up again. It’s as refreshing as a bucket of ice water splash onto you. That’s how it felt.

“Did you teach yourself how to sleep with your eyes open?! How about you show that ‘skill’ of yours in detention after school. How does that sound?” It was the English teacher that stoked her way up in front of the class room with her pointed glossy heels. The same English teacher that gave Sung Hai a detention for not knowing the answer to her question. Great.

Another pang to her chest jumped her as she looked to her side to see Jimin seated next to her. He looked over her with a sense of worry and concern. Eyebrows almost knitted together as his forehead creased a bit.

He mouthed, “Are you okay?” No, I’m not. Quit pestering my heart.

She faintly nodded, avoiding eye contact as she switched her gaze to the front of the classroom where the English teacher held an emotion, practically rolling her eyes at how pathetic her class was. The kind of pathetic where she had to manipulate herself to chant, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job,’ forcing herself into her pursued career as a teacher. It was written all over her face like it was meant to be read.

Meanwhile, Jimin pasted a yellow post-it note onto the blank space of her inked blue striped paper. Only her eyes moved downward to her lined sheet, yellow post-it note clear in vision. It wrote, ‘Would it bother you if I said you’re lying to me?’

She glanced up at Jimin, moving her head in the process as her heart quickened, starting with a jolt that shot a clod shiver throughout her body. He wasn’t facing her, but rather pretending to act like he was listening at the teacher’s lecturing.

She took Jimin’s stack of post-it notes and tore off one easily since it was glued. Thankfully, since this appeared to look like Tae Ni was taking notes, the teacher could pick on her for writing down something. But that something was no other than a message to Jimin saying, ‘I’m just hungry. That’s all.’

She slid the top of the post-it note and gummed it onto the edge of his open textbook. His eyes were fixed on her written words before he chuckled with a small bounce from his shoulders. Almost as if it were contagious, Tae Ni smiled too. It was only in that second, she didn’t care whether the teacher were eyeing her, or if she’d have detention after school.

He wrote again, ’so, you’re not the slightest bit concerned at the fact that you have an after school detention?’

‘I pretty sure I’m capable of handling detention.’ She wrote back. A hint of relief washed over her since being pretentious wasn’t all that bad. That’s until he wrote to her the last time.

’I’m proud of you then.’ Why would he be proud? Because she can handle detention? Detention is just the small imprisonment in which teachers captivate and think you’re getting disciplined, when in reality, it’s a complete waste of time. You just sit there, under the supervision of the teachers who are so happily to carry away, doing their own thing.

Today’s detention, Tae Ni was set up with the old history teacher, losing hair, itches his nose away before swiping it upward with a handkerchief and putting it back in his pocket for future use. Just to be clear, that’s not recycling, it’s unhygienic. Last time Tae Ni was in his class, he’d been doing the same thing; using the handkerchief and putting it back in his pocket. The students were concerned to say the least. The best excuse for him was that he was saving materials made from nature’s offerings- recycling. Yeah, nah.

Whilst she’d been sitting in detention for well over 15 minutes, along with a quartet of other students in detention, the old history teacher had been tapping away his phone with his index finger. Tae Ni assumed he was reading an article on Wikipedia or something. That’s until he swivelled the chair slightly to give her perfect view of his phone.

He was playing ‘Pony Unicorn Astronaut.’ (It’s a legit app) Why would you even? No wonder this guy doesn’t have a ring on him, let alone actually going on a date.

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Thankfully, Tae Ni didn’t drift off to sleep, nor sway herself to her subconsciousness. After the detention teacher, aka Mr Unsanitary-who-plays-one-of-the-top-5-worst-game-apps, had dismissed them of their fake disciplinary after school shenanigan, Tae Ni head straight on home.

Swinging the straps of her bag over her one shoulder, she proceeded to pace down the steps from first floor to the school grounds. At that moment she swung open the front doors of the school building, she spots a figure, elbows braced onto his knees as his earplugs hung from his ears down to his phone.

He looks up and beams at Tae Ni. She could have sworn a large gush of cold wind hit her.

“Was detention as boring as ever since I wasn’t in there with you?” Jimin grinned with the slight raise of his eyebrow.

“Detention was pretty cool. Instead of writing down lines multiple times, we crafted paper planes and had a distance race.”

Ok, this wasn’t funny anymore. Jimin’s smile changed instantly into the ‘are-you-serious’ jealousy type look. His eyes bulged for a second, and looked closer at Tae Ni, and basically tried to read her. Sort of a mechanism in which he believes there is a lie detector within him.

The corner of Tae Ni’s lips raised as a small breath of laughter came out of her with the small bounce off her shoulders.

“I’m kidding! But yeah, detention was pretty boring needless to say.” She playfully smacked the side of his forearm putting a little more strength in her swing than she had supposed to do. Encountering the awkward yet somewhat weird situation, she cleared and walked passed by him, just to get more of his attention.

“Yah! Where are you going?” Jimin hollered making Tae Ni turn to face him in confusion.

“What do you mean? I’m going home.” Her response only resulted in Jimin scoffing.

“I waited here for an hour for a reason, Tae Ni.” Gesturing to prove a point, he folded his arms over his chest as he shifted his weight onto his other leg. He added, “No wait, I waited an hour here for you.”

A category of ‘feeling’ had flourished her entire body, starting with the reddening in the cheeks then the quick beat to the heart. She hated this feeling and cursed inwardly at her heart. She narrowed her eyes, darting a sort of seriousness toward him.

“Why? You didn’t have to. You could have just gone home.” Her tone had supposed to sound concerned but it almost tinted anger and frustration as she voiced which made Jimin slightly worried. He tilted his head in the angle of gesturing his apprehension as well as to get a better view at Tae Ni’s face.

“Yeah I could have just gone home. But I wanted to eat with you so I waited. Now let’s go get something to eat. I’m starving.” He began to slowly walk off without her, expecting her to pace faster until she reached by his side. Instead she stood her ground.

“Wait, wait, what? You waited an hour… just so you can grab a bite with me?” He nodded singularly with hands in his pockets, as his torso shifted to face her.

“Yeah. Problem?” He said straightforwardly, and Tae Ni couldn’t get a sense of any emotion whatsoever from him. He held his poker face. Her expression soften, touched in fact about his actions. She shrugged it off and shook her head once before joining up with him.

To be honest, this was harder for Tae Ni than she’d anticipated.

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“Okay. Let me get this straight. You waited an hour for me, just so we could get ice cream?”

“Yep.” Simplicity was all it was as he made the ‘p’ sound pop. He turned to face her before continuing. “Do you not feel the heat of this weather? I’ve been craving for ice cream so stop complaining.”

She turned to face him gobsmacked. “I was not complaining!”

“Yeah sure. Whatever you say.” He wavered his hands in the air, emphasizing his mockery. “Now what flavour do you want?” Completely ignoring her campaign of in denial, she pursed her lips together tight enough to blow out air so that they’d flap in a fast motion – almost like imitating a horse.

Her eyes scanned the top sectioned menu that was entirely glazed over glossy glass that appeared as to have been wiped on a daily basis. The only ice cream flavour most appealing to her was vanilla mixed with honeycomb.

“Just get me that one.” As if she’d expected Jimin to magically read her mind, without any specification at all, she replied to his question. He looked at her doubtingly before taking this as a last minute challenge. He looked in the direction of where her eyes had stopped by. From his prospective, he could only pick up the only clue he’d ever receive. He could already tell she’d picked the category of vanilla.

“So… vanilla with…?” Waiting until she’d continued to finish his sentence, she’d abide to do so which washed Jimin over a sense of relief. “Honeycomb. They have weird flavours. I mean, who wants to eat vanilla ice cream with coffee grains?”

She wasn’t false. It is a weird ice cream shop. I would say the flavours were unique, but I’ll just go with the fact that they are originals... It’s okay if you don’t get what I mean.

Jimin nodded in acceptance of her desired order as he contemplated himself of what’d he’d like. Cookies and cream it is. At least that was normal.

After the whole process of ordering, then waiting, then paying and having been handed over the cups of scoops of ice cream with the spoons sticking out it, Jimin and Tae Ni sat in a booth, furthest away from the door since the place was practically packed. Eating an ice cream isn’t orderly necessary to write about – you get the picture.

Conversations didn’t exactly fall in the space between them. It’s as if silence had won the war over words. Instead, Tae Ni had wondered her eyes at any whereabouts other than Jimin’s eyes, seemingly being pretentious in actually taking an interest in anything.

“You’re oddly quiet today.” Jimin commented. Damn. Quickly to undergo her pretentious attitude, she turned her head to face Jimin, almost melting when she met his eyes. held captive as she forced herself to gulp. Usually this is where her witty comebacks would come out of , but the witty comeback intended to surface until Jimin had stopped making her heart race.

Their eyes held place in alignment, almost creating a force where something tightened her against her chest until she became breathless. She’d been afraid to breath in case it’d sound like she’d just run a marathon.

“Are you okay, Tae Ni? You look flushed.” Yeah. You’ve said that before. You don’t need to mention it again.

He scanned her, tilting his head in a couple of directions before leaning back against the backrest of his chair. He was in his own predicament, trying to read Tae Ni. It was completely obvious to Jimin that she’d haven’t been herself. She was nervous around him. He could see that. She’d tried to avoid him mentally. He could read that. He’d known.

“Are you still…” Before Jimin could protest, she beat him to it.

“Don’t talk about it! That’s against the rules. Our rules.” So that’s what’s held her back. Jimin thought. He’d known, but he couldn’t read why she could just talk to him like he was her therapist. That was often. She’d talk about anything to Jimin, but this was different, and now he’d known why.

“I… I just…” He was out of words. Not even the dictionary could support what was flipping through his mind. Okay, maybe that’s a hyperbole. But he’d thought, where am I going with this?

“I… I don’t regret it. If that’s what you’re thinking.” Tae Ni confessed.

No, that’s not what I was thinking at all. Jimin thought, but she continued. And he let her. He wanted her to spill it out her chest, breaking the rules didn’t matter.

“I mean… I wanted to kiss you and all… for practice and all… and I really appreciate it. I do.” Even though these words were said to comfort, each one hit Jimin in the gut. Only now, one after the other, it hurt more. Nothing more, nothing less. It was just a kiss. If it were just a kiss, why did it come with this price?

He didn’t say anything. He couldn’t, he shouldn’t. Because in the end he knew he’d spill out his love for her. Now was not a good time. Especially since they were in a weird and odd ice cream store.

You know that feeling where your body controls you and your brain has no clue about it? It just… happens?

Jimin stood up as the back of this knees shoved the chair behind him, the bottom of the legs scraping the tiled floor. He grabbed Tae Ni’s wrist and yanked her towards him before storming off to exit the store with her, leaving their ice cream half eaten on their booth table.

“Yah! I wasn’t finished eating that!” Only now Jimin had woken up. He came to a halt before turning his torso to face her. He gazed at her softly, as Tae Ni held a confused expression.

“Sorry… I just…” Where was he going with this? “I feel a bit…” He rubbed the back of his neck, stalling his time into coming about a legitimate excuse. Tae Ni took a closer look at him.

“Are you feeling sick? Did the weird ice cream shop do something to you?!” Thank the heavens. Jimin needed that right now. A laugh. Tae Ni was always one to have a good laugh with. And it that split second, the nostalgia came to him – flashed before his very eyes. This was all mixed emotions. Maybe he did feel sick.

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That night, neither of them could get any sleep. The tossing and kicking in their own bed had become a bad habit that night.

It was early morning, 6 am, you name it. Tae Ni wasn’t too sure about going to the rooftop this morning. In fact, it drizzled, hailed and with a bit of thunder claps, Tae Ni jumped. She wasn’t exactly terrified, or had a phobia of thunders in any aspect. It was just really loud that it’d become one of the unpredictable ultimatums waiting to scare you.

She tightened the wrap of her blanket around her entire body, feeling warmth and comfort yet the difficulty to breath. It wasn’t exactly the perfect refuge for her. So she crossed the edge of the blanket underneath her chin and made her way down to the living room with a giant cotton protection around her.

It was only then when she reached the living room, she jumped for her life and tumbled until she hit the ground. A figure was sitting on the couch watching TV, lounging so casually like it was his own home.

“Yah! Jimin! What are you doing in my living room?! You scared the life out of me!” She scolded, as she clumsily made her way back up since the blanket was still wrapped around her, but also underneath her feet.

“I’m living. Get it? Because I’m in the living room?” Probably, one of the worst response in terms of a comeback ever said came out of Jimin’s lips.

“That’s not what I asked.” You could visualize her rolling her eyes. She added. “What are you doing in my living room?”

He turned off the TV, letting the soft blue light from the early morning window illuminate a bit of the room. Yet, you could only see a silhouetted version of his figure. He walked closer to her and stood in front of her, plastering himself in that spot.

“I came here since it’s raining cats and dogs outside.”

“What? Why?” She shrugged on the blanket around her body, shifting it until she was comfortable with how she was holding it around her body.

“Because if we can’t watch the sunrise together, might as well watch TV together or something.” Her eyes were in a broad shape before she closed them gently, and placed her thumb and index finger over the bridge of her nose.

“I will kill you. How did you even get in?” You could hear the disbelief and anger in her voice.

“Tae Ni… we’ve been best friends for 2 years. Within that two years, you gave me spare keys to your house because you tended to lose them a lot. Blame yourself for why I am here in your living room as of now.” This time, she literally rolled her eyes. She walked past him, brushing his shoulder as she flopped herself onto her own couch, crossing her legs over the other and wrapping herself in the blanket she’d been carrying around.

Jimin joined her. She could distinguish that he’d wore a plain t-shirt with trackies.

There was a long period of silence. It wasn’t the awkward kind, but it calmed and soothed the empty space between them. As much as it sounded it, it was probably what they needed for a few minutes. That’s until Jimin spoke.

“I actually came here to tell you something.” Tae Ni was alerted, scared almost. She turned her head to face him. The light had hit half of his face and yet he still glowed. She asked herself how this was even possible. She then looked in front of her, then down at her lap.

“What is it?” She asked, in a faint yet distributive whisper. She was tired, she’d admit it. But things lightened up when Jimin was beside her. There was no denying that.

“My parents are splitting.” She snapped her gaze back to Jimin. She’d wondered why this was the case. Yet again, she hasn’t been around to see them lately since she’d been with Taehyung in some occasions. On the other hand, they were busy working late shift. Either way she couldn’t see them.

“Oh… I’m… sorry to hear that.” He let out a chuckle. A faint one, but not the humorous kind.

“Yeah. I figured.” She tried to get a better look at his expression, but with all the dark and light fighting for space, she couldn’t determine it. “Why are you telling me this?” She hadn’t meant to sound rude, but she was curious. There had to be a rational explanation, but a bad one. She had a feeling in her gut.

“My mum wants to move back to Busan. Where her side of the family is.” This isn’t good. She didn’t say anything. She couldn’t. Not when the tone in his voice was nothing other than serious.

“I love my dad and all, but I need to take care of my mum too. Especially since they’ve just been working, then sleep as part of their everyday life, both of my parents have been stressed. So…” Her heart ached. She hadn’t even known what was coming next yet she’d known Jimin wasn’t going to be by her side for long.

This kind of hurt made her sob for a bit. This kind of hurt had clenched her stomach and tightened her chest until she was no longer breathing. This kind of hurt determined how strong of a love she had for Jimin, because she hadn’t looked at the side of which the scenario where Jimin wasn’t there beside her. She’d taken it for granted, and now that she hadn’t seen the price it may take in consequence, she was going to break. She hadn’t felt this pain, ever, and she hated it. She hated how she’d known what was coming.

“You’re leaving… aren’t you?” Her voice was gentle yet broken. Jimin saw that. He didn’t expect this kind of response. Heck, he didn’t know what to expect. He nodded, and she noticed.

“I’ll be going back and forth to visit my mum and my dad. But I don’t know how long or often I’m going to be doing that.”

Her Eudaimonia was scratched because a part of that importance wasn’t going to be around. Her heart clenched and her eyes rimmed of water.

“When… when are you leaving?” She couldn’t bear to look at him now. She’d stared down at her lap, and she’s going to keep it this way.

“I don’t know. But my mum is really determined to leave soon. But, you won’t need to worry so much. You have Taehyung to hang out with when I’m gone.” That’s right. Taehyung. Tae Ni admitted to herself that she’d forgotten about Taehyung and their small play dates. But that wasn’t the case here.

“But… it won’t be the same here without you… at all.” As much as this was a heartbreaking moment, Jimin had a light and was more than happy to hear those words come out of .

“It’s hard for me too. But… we can handle it.” Actually, no. I’d feel alone.

“Why… why have you only told me this now? Why didn’t you tell me earlier that you were possibly leaving?!” She was starting to get angry, and that wasn’t her fault. Right now, she was in war with her own heart. She’d hated how to she felt towards Jimin but at the same time, she couldn’t bear to part with him.

“I didn’t want you to worry about what might become ahead of us. I just wanted to enjoy the moments we actually had before I knew officially that I have to leave eventually. Why are you getting angry? It’s not like I’m leaving permanently.”

“How can you not be angry?!” She stood up, leaving the blanket to crease and fold over itself onto the couch. She was facing Jimin, and she was heartbroken. She sobbed silently, and she despised the fact she’d shown it.

“Why would I? We’re always together aren’t we?”

“But… you won’t be here! Physically! Here!” She pointed beside her. No, she jabbed the air in front of her to be exact. This wasn’t all going to well for Jimin, but he’d known Tae Ni cared too much about this situation, about them.

“I’m taking the KTX High Speed Station in Guapo, so it’ll only be a 3 hour travel. I’ll visit you from time to time.” Jimin stated. He had the comforting dialect in his voice to help calm the situation since Tae Ni was practically tearing. He too hated the fact that he wouldn’t be next door to her every now and then. Maybe this wasn’t for the best, but Jimin thought otherwise. He couldn’t love Tae Ni because she’d love someone else.

She hadn’t looked up at him yet. She just sat back down and listened as she sobbed the few tears caught at the back of . She cursed herself for crying. She chanted to herself that this wasn’t a big deal. He’d only be gone for a few days, maybe weeks and he’ll be back to visit. If that’s the case, then why’d she been reacting like he was going overseas for a matter of years?

He sighed, but it wasn’t distinguishable in aspect of knowing whether it was the relieved sort of sigh, or the really stressed out kind. Either way, he wrapped an arm around Tae Ni’s shoulder line and brought her close, as she felt the need and comfort to place her head against his chest.

“I’m not leaving now, or tomorrow. I can promise you that, but it’ll be soon. I needed to tell you now so it wouldn’t be a last minute thing. That would have been worse.” He wasn’t wrong. She would have asked why he hadn’t talked to her about his parents, but then again it was none of her business in the first place.

This was the first in which she felt her heart beat pause and drum at a normal pace, but she was happy to be where she was. That’s until Jimin voiced.

“Who knows? Maybe I’ll find someone in Busan and we can go on double dates or something.” No. Big no.

That feeling in her gut twisted. What he’d just said to her was cruel. It hurt her. It messed her head and it got to her. She jerked back before standing up and pacing bare footed into the kitchen. She didn’t know why, and she didn’t care. She just couldn’t bear to picture what he’d just scenario-ed.

She walked into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water to cleanse whatever gunk was in her system. She was still teary eyed. She straightened her hands onto the countertop edge after she’d gulped down the glass of water.

Jimin was confused, so he’d followed her in and stood there observing her state of mind. He walked towards her, but she’d been ready to walk off.

Before she could retreat, Jimin could her by the hand. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

She couldn’t respond. She’d known her own heart. It was selfish, but she’d known deep down that she’d have to admit it one day. She couldn’t look up at him. It’s as if she had barricaded it herself to not meet his eyes. He squeezed his grip onto her hand, gesturing her to answer his question. But she couldn’t.

 “I just… don’t like the idea of you leaving.” It wasn’t a complete lie, but it was also an excuse. To stall herself from actually putting the disclosure behind her, because in the end she’d knew she’d lose him, and that wasn’t going to be for a few days or weeks. But he read her. He tightened his grip around her hand. “That’s not it… is it?”

She can’t tell him. It’d ruin everything. “I… I just… I’m going to miss you a lot.”

He leaned in closer. “That’s not what’s bothering you, Tae Ni. Tell me.”

He still held onto her hand as he walked in closer to her. This gave in the give and take motion, as she backed away until her back hit the counter. He was closer than ever, and he held his gaze in. She was lost, but had been found. Nothing could bring her to words right now.

“What is it? Tell me.” He needed her to get it out of her head. He needed to hear it. She needed to disclose it. This demanding aura from Jimin had scared her, but it also gave her the strength to state in her own quandary.

“I… I don’t like the idea… of you… finding someone… else.” It was a mere whisper, but he’d heard her loud and clear. He leaned in a cm closer.

“Why?” His voice was stern and straightforward. There was no backing out now. She needed to get it out of her chest.

“Because…” If he had to wait forever, he would, just so she could say it.

“If I told you...” He interrupted her as he fixated himself, leaned closer and tightened his grasp around her hand slightly just so she wasn’t hurting. “I don’t care how funny, humiliating, stupid, sad or selfish it may be. Just say it.”

“It’d hurt me… it’d break my heart… if you… found someone else.” She was petrified, apprehensive and her anxiousness had taken her breath as the slight confession had been brought to a faint whisper. She’d gushed at her own words because of the faint emotion hidden behind it. But it wasn’t enough for Jimin. There was more to it. He knew that. She just needed to say it.

“Just say it Tae Ni. Say it.” She looked down at her feet and gulped. “I can’t.”

Jimin exhaled the breath he’d didn’t even know he held in. He released her petite wrist that left a distinct red ring around it. Maybe he’d held it tighter than he expected. This movement was a clear gesture of disappointment, and Tae Ni saw and sensed that right through him.

“You’re not exactly putting me in a fair situation.” Tae Ni commented. Jimin scoffed at her little remark, as he dishevelled his hair. He still stood his ground in front of her before snapping his gaze at hers in all solemnity. Her weight had shifted, as if gravity was no longer there to pull her down to the earth. She was breathless.

“I’m not putting you in a fair situation? Look at my perspective Tae Ni. I’ve loved you the moment you stood in front of me. I still love you right here right now. But as of my situation, I have to watch you love someone else. Yes, it hurts me a lot, but I can handle it, because we’re always together, literally. I know this is hard for you, Tae Ni, but you just need to admit it! I’m not going to get mad at you, I’m not going to leave you and I’m sure as hell that I’ll think you different. I’m here for you right now. What does that tell you? What are you thinking? Just freaking say it!”

He wasn’t mad. He knew Tae Ni thought of a confession no more than betrayal. She loved Taehyung, there was no denying that. But what she had with Jimin was a connection much stronger ever mended. There was no denying that either. It was only a matter of deciding which one belonged to the heart, and this wasn’t rocket science. It was clear.

“I… Jimin… I… I need time. I love Taehyung… there’s no denying that Jimin. But… I want you. My heart wants you. That’s why I can’t. It’s selfish of me. I can’t… I can’t just go on saying it. Because I’ll be betraying one of you, and I’m not okay with that. I love you Jimin, but I need time. Please...”

Both of their hearts shattered. Everything was not okay.

● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●

Thank the heavens it was a Saturday. Two days after the happening. If it weren’t, Tae Ni and Jimin would have been sleep deprived throughout the whole school time frame. They were separate. Tae Ni hadn’t exited her home, and she couldn’t bring up the courage to see Jimin. Not until she was ready. Who knows how long that would take?

It was the afternoon, Tae Ni had just come out of the shower – sweatpants and a tank top over her freshly washed body with a messy bun to accompany the look.

She crawled onto her unmade bed, sat up against the wall and hugged in her knees. Jimin took all the space within her mind, occupying that spot for a very long period of time, and now Tae Ni had grown tired. She was in fatigue. She couldn’t think straight. A big part of her hoped that Jimin would come bursting through her bedroom door and offer a shoulder to lean on. But that wasn’t going to happen. Not now. Not as of this situation.

She didn’t regret the decision she made to put space in front of her, but she’d just wished she could do her thinking whilst Jimin was around. But then again, that’d make it much harder for her. It was all mixed emotions and feelings that reeled her head in and gave her a headache. She just wanted to sleep.

Her back slid against the wall until she was lying on her bed. It wasn’t comfortable, but it’ll do. She even tried smiling, but we all know that was never going to work.

Her eyes weighed, as it slowly closed, feeling dozy behind her eyelids. That’s until her phone rang. She instantly shot up and crawled on her four paws to her bed side table to grab her phone. Jimin was the first thought she’d severely hoped for in terms of the phone call. But that hope died down. It was Taehyung who rang her. She didn’t feel anything, and that wasn’t an odd thing. Things were different now.

● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●

“Tae Ni, you don’t look well. Are you okay?” I’ve heard that one before. Tae Ni nodded slowly, forcing herself to plaster a grin onto her face and call herself fine. Taehyung looked sceptical. He’d noticed she wasn’t looking well the past few days.

“Are you sure? We can do a raincheck, if you want.” She’d really like that, but she knew she had gather things to disclosure. That excited feeling she had when she was with Taehyung, gone. Her heart didn’t waver a single bit, not even when he smiled or did something that made girls fall at his feet. She was just happy with the mere fact he was sitting next to her in the park.

Things have changed now, because she’d only realise now how important Jimin was to her. Only now, she knew she’d taken him for granted, because he was leaving. She couldn’t possibly force it on him to stay with her. He needed to take care of his mum, and she respected that about Jimin. But she was heartbroken. Torn from the bad news. And now her feelings were the consequence. It killed her.

“No it’s okay. I’m fine. I like your company.” She didn’t lie. But she did make excuses, a bad one in fact. Taehyung was worried and concerned. “Do… you want to talk about it?”

She straightforwardly snapped her head to face Taehyung, questioning. “Talk about what?”

“I can tell something is bothering you, Tae Ni. It’s written all over your face.” Tae Ni couldn’t help but recall and replay the happening of the night. She wondered where’d she’d be if she did confess her love to him. But then, where does that lie Taehyung?

She gripped the edge of the bench and looked down at her feet, swinging her legs slowly and subtly.

“I’m just under pressure and stress for upcoming exams.”

“I’ve heard that excuse before Tae Ni. I understand if you don’t feel comfortable telling me. But I’m all ears.” Her trust levels with Taehyung were beyond. She trusted him completely, but if she admitted everything, what happens to him? Would he hold a grudge and think her differently much to her discomfort or would he accept it and move on? She was hoping the latter, but if that wasn’t going to be the case, she might as well come to a defeat.

“Does this have to do anything with Jimin?” His name made her heart beat furiously at her chest, demanding triumph. She gulped, hoping it’d soothe and wash away a tint of guilt. But of course, none of her remedies work.

She couldn’t respond, which only meant one answer to Taehyung.

“I can see the spark and connection between you two. And sometimes, I can see the way he looks at you.” She didn’t know where Taehyung was going with this, but she felt the need to listen.

“I’m surprise you actually agreed to go out with me. I thought you and Jimin were a thing. But… I can see you’re different with Jimin. Not that I’m saying you’re acting completely contrarily when you’re around me, but… I can see that you’re more you when you’re around him. Don’t get me wrong. I like you a lot. In fact, I fall in love with you every single time I see you. But… I don’t want you to feel like I’m forcing it against you to like me.”

“I like you a lot Taehyung. I’ve had a crush on you for… a while.” This made him smile, and it reached his eyes. He was perfect.

“I know. But I can see what you have with Jimin. You actually talk about him a lot while we’re on dates in case you haven’t noticed. So if you’re feeling like your betraying me… don’t. I’ll always be here for you.” Tae Ni hadn’t noticed. That moment he mentioned that she’d talked about Jimin with Taehyung had her realisation hit her hard in the gut.

He placed a hand on her jawline and brought it to face him. “I love you Tae Ni.” He placed his other hand on the opposite side of her bottom jawline and drew in close before placing his lips on hers. She wrapped her arms around his neck and closed her eyes, same way she did when she had kissed Jimin. But the spark wasn’t the same.

She loved Taehyung, but she loved Jimin more. She accepted that.