Chapter 10

It’d been five days, tracing back to that night of predicament.

Tae Ni couldn’t even believe what she was hearing. There she was, in all willingness and in desperation to see him, a certain restriction and limitation and had forbidden her.

“Sorry Tae Ni. Jimin moved to Busan with his… mother.” Tae Ni was observant, and could depict the fact that Jimin’s dad had been hurting since the separation to an extent where he can’t even mention her without looking lost and in misery. His voice was quiet, but hoarse. She looked down, but only to regain her posture before facing Jimin’s dad again.

“Did he… possibly leave any message for me? Anything?” This was only part of the nightmare. Jimin left without a word, and as much as she knew she was thankful he told her beforehand, I think this would equal to the same amount of pain if he didn’t share the news.

Jimin’s dad looked stoic for a second or two. She had an instinct kicking her; telling her Jimin left and that’s all his dad had to say. There was only little hope for this chance, and she’d waited too long before she had the confidence to walk up to his unit.

He shook his head slowly, no, as his expression apologized for himself. He didn’t look well. He looked stressed and tired. She’d hardly imagined what he and his wife had been going through. She’d hardly imagined what Jimin was going through, and the feeling in her gut had almost pledged her guilty.

“If you do get a chance to see him, could you give him this? Came in the mail when he left.” Jimin’s dad didn’t sound promising, but he handed Tae Ni an unopened package shipped to Jimin. Tae Ni could have handed it back to Jimin’s dad, but she thought otherwise. It’d be her excuse to see him again, if that time came by.

“I doubt my chances in seeing him are high.” Tae Ni muttered to herself. To an extent where hopes are anything but a miracle or a miraculous coincidence, Jimin’s dad had given her a piece of information that might help her the slightest bit.

“Jimin’s train here arrives at 9:00pm. He’s got a few more things to pack here. He’s taking the Gyeonbu line. You can see him there tomorrow night since you’re looking for him.”

“I don’t mean to sound patronising, but why can’t you just give this to him yourself?”

Jimin’s dad sighed, the depressing kind where the exhale sounds angry when it isn’t intended to. It scared Tae Ni for a second, but Jimin’s dad was a nice guy. He wouldn’t come off condescending.

“I’m shifting work places, down in Mokpo.” Things just keep getting better and better.

“Does that mean… you’re… moving out?” If this was the case, the worst would keep coming like a domino effect.

“Mokpo is very far from here Tae Ni. I can’t stay here whilst I’m working.” And that was the trigger. Her heart stopped beating. It had been the most surreal thing Tae Ni had ever felt. This was more than a heartbreak. Much more, and she couldn’t put her finger on the word, but it was worse as much as the numbers get bigger.

Did this change things now? Would Tae Ni’s handful of chances in seeing Jimin taken from her? Would he still visit her? The rims of her eyes were glossy from the reflective light of her tears. She had shed a few, and this pained Jimin’s dad.

“I know Jimin told you about what’s happening. Heck, I don’t know what he doesn’t tell you now a days. Things didn’t work out between my wife and me. I’m sure Jimin will still visit you.”

Tae Ni couldn’t speak. She was caught up in her whelm of emotions that if she had opened , she’s bawl out crying right in front of him, and that’s not what he needed right now. She just stood in front of him, tears leaving their trail onto her cheeks.

“He loves you Tae Ni. I’m sorry things have to be this way, for you and Jimin.” She nodded, but she couldn’t bear to face him. Not now she couldn’t. Jimin’s dad was in cognate of an uncle to her, and she was thankful for that. He brought her in a hug, the kind that spoke in apology for itself, and that eventually things would be okay. The comforting kind. That’s what Jimin’s dad was. Comforting.

“I’m sorry.”

● ● ● ● ● ● ● ●

The following night, Tae Ni shivered in the cold 8:57pm weather down in the Seoul station. Fluorescent lights were lit, which made the outside look darker than it would be if the lights were off.

She had her hands in the pockets of her coat and bounced her knees, seeking any warmth. It didn’t help a lot, but it was better than freezing it off in the weather. Tae Ni hugged the package, gathering as much warmth as she could, but neither of it helped. She was in the aeration where snow could fall any minute.

The train would arrive in less than 3 minutes by now, and Tae Ni’s heart fell to its excitement. She was so close yet so far, and that wasn’t an understatement. She could freeze to death at any minute, but to an exception after she’d seen Jimin get off the train. But the weather was no joke. She regret not putting on more clothing, no matter how big it made her look. Warmth and comfort is everything.

The train announcement chime echoed throughout the entire station followed by a woman’s voice through the speaker.

“KTX express trains, including KTX Sancheon is now approaching platform 1, exit 1, and line 4, exit 14. KTX express trains, including KTX Sancheon will terminate here. These trains will terminate here. Do not board these trains. Please stand back from the platform edge until the stopping service has come to a stop at the platform.”

Not even a ‘thank you’ or a ‘have a lovely evening’ comment to conclude the announcement not that it was a severe concern. Tae Ni stood before fixing her attire, not to impress, but to get comfortable and somehow warm. She hugged the package onto her chest as the echoed roar from the railway sounded throughout the station.

The cold wind gushed and the strands of her side fringe stuck to the side of her face and the hems of her coat was airborne in the wind’s direction. The roar from the train was brought closer, and even though it wasn’t the most pleasant sound you could listen to, it was music to Tae Ni’s ears. Jimin was one step closer to her.

She’d needed to tell him. She needed to tell him that she’d finally accepted what she’d been denial before she’d even known. As much as she hated the affect she had every time Jimin had manoeuvred something that pulled her right strings, Taehyung was right about the fact that she had been telling herself that she’d loved Taehyung. And that was a fact.

Her own heartbeats were a different kind towards Jimin, and this was something her physical reaction didn’t deny. After all, she’d hadn’t have to worry about it since they were practically connected from the beginning they met. She thought it was unintentional. The way he made her heart feel, because reactions can happen when you least expect it too. And it did. She had no control over it, and she hated that feeling because she kept telling herself Taehyung was the one for her. She’d known now that she was being naïve.

That’s why she’d chosen the path in which made her feel weaker yet strong at the same time she was separate from Jimin. He wasn’t there with her for five days, which had weakened her, but the more she acknowledged her own heart, that’s what gave her strength. It was a pain no gain sort of play. Now that she’d known the importance of Jimin her heart, the thought of him being away killed her, but the slow painful kind. She hated it, but she’d thought to herself that she deserved it. He hadn’t hidden his feelings for her. It was all in a clear view now, and Tae Ni thought herself stupid at how she couldn’t see that.

The way he cared for her, and the way he was always there for her was enough. He didn’t need a confession to show his love for her, but he had to do it anyway to prove that she was in fact not alone. That he wouldn’t leave her because she loved him. That he wouldn’t be angry, or think her different.

The lights from the tunnel had radiated throughout the station, as the nose of the train came in screeching against the rails, just enough so it wouldn’t sound like nails grating a blackboard. Shivers.

The train was going too fast for her to actually speculate where Jimin was in the train. It was a full house, so it was pretty much a game of ‘Where’s Wally?’

The train came to a stop a minute or two, but the train was so elongated along the station, it’d have to be a miracle for her to find Jimin. As soon as the train doors opened, with the sound of steam reverberating in the station, all hell came running loose. This was the perfect moment to feel claustrophobic. Tae Ni was pushed and shoved, but she held onto the package tightly, and held her ground for as long as she could.

In fact, she freaked. She hated crowds, especially ones like these. She began to panic, and her only doctor in this situation was the package, hence her tight grip around it. She whimpered from time to time at the people shoving it at her. She kept her head down, but started to feel a bit overwhelmed by the amount of people talking above each other, and the fact that people had been dying to get out. A lovely single file to descend to the exit would be nice, but who gives about patience right?

She needed to get out of here. It was useless. The crowd doubled because of the other train terminating at the same station. The mood right now was ‘kill or be killed.’ So she shoved through the crowd, weaving herself through the kick of instinct in the direction of what she’d hope was the exit. People bawled at her, but who cares. It’s not like they’re ever going to see her again and say, “Hey! You’re the girl that shoved me at the station!” Like that was ever going to happen.

For what seemed like it had taken more than half an hour, she finally made it to the breath of fresh air. Outside could have looked like snow was about to fall any minute now. The cold weather kicked in a few seconds later, but that wasn’t the least of her worries. Jimin could have left the station by now, and she was still here holding the damn package for an excuse to see him.

Maybe this was karma for not realising. For thinking she’d been blinded by love. Right now, she had to go with that excuse just so she didn’t have to make herself feel bad. But that was the habit growing on her now. Things suddenly just became an excuse for her. Excuse after excuse. This had to be karma. That was her theory until she heard a distinct voice.

“Tae Ni…?”

Beat, pause.

Beat, pause.

Beat, pause, beat.

Beat, pause beat.

Before she knew it, her heart pounded, demanding her to turn around. But it was as if the cement had glued her feet to the ground. She couldn’t move, not even if she wanted to. She just stood there, wishing to hear that again, just to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating from being claustrophobic. And she heard it again, but more clearly.

“Tae Ni.” He sounded a bit more demanding now, but she had no problem with that. He wanted to know it was her. She could hear the desperation in his voice. This call out to her was like the glue remover to her feet.

She turned around slowly, and could have sworn he caught her breath and kept it until she was suffocating. She was still holding onto the package and she wasn’t even aware of it.

They just looked at each other intimately, and waiting for one person to say the next. But as far as they knew, silence was the loudest thing they heard between each other and it killed them both. Their eyes didn’t leave each other as Jimin stepped closer and closer to her until his arms were within reach of hers.

Like I said, reactions can happen the least you expect them to. She brought her hand up to his cheek and slapped him. He jerked, taken aback from her reaction but accepted it. He didn’t say anything. It was more like he waited for her to speak up first. Before she knew it, her shoulders bounced as she sobbed. She didn’t shed a single tear, but she inhaled to keep it from happening.

“How… how could you have left… without telling me?!” She’d repeated the same thing, volume raising every time she said it. Jimin could only feel a heartbreak, but this wasn’t the kind that broke you to fall into complete misery. This kind of heartbreak was sympathy.

She wasn’t even half finished complaining about how she was angry at Jimin for leaving her, but it made her weak and exhausted. So she stopped yelling, and faced the cement below her, not even trying to regain her composure. Jimin’s face was wretched and desolate. His eyebrows were pulled together as he watched Tae Ni in front of him break down.

He paced in closer and pulled her in by the arm that wrapped the package. He slipped in his other hand around her waist and held her tightly. He kissed her forehead before wrapping the other arm around her, circling the back of her midriff. His cheek rested on top of her head and he shushed her.

“I’m sorry Tae Ni. I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”

“I’m mad at you Jimin… I’m so… freaking mad at you.” She pushed him away, and wiped her eyes before a tear could release to trail down onto her face, regaining her posture. She inhaled and exhaled deeply before looking at him in the eye. He didn’t say anything, but his expression didn’t change one bit.

She held the package out in front of him and shoved it against him. “This was accidentally put in my mailbox.”

She’d obviously lied to avoid the situation of her having to talk about his dad in front of him. It was all for the sake of avoiding a bad situation cause.

Who was she fooling? She knew too well herself that acting angry wasn’t going to make things better. She was hurting, yet she was thrilled to have him by her side. She was getting weaker and weaker by the moment, so she shivered unintentionally. She tried to quickly hide it by stiffening, but she didn’t fool Jimin.

He took off his jacket in the process of swinging it around her body. At that moment, he pulled her in to hug her and he still hadn’t taken the box. He gripped her around the back of her shoulders tightly, as Tae Ni hugged herself within his chest. He was warm, but she felt bad he had given up his jacket for her.

“Aren’t you cold?” She was surprised at the change in mood she had switched to. It wasn’t her fault though. She was grogged up in mixed emotions. He didn’t respond. He just tightened his grip around her even more, shifting more comfortably.

They didn’t care about the people walking past, looking at them like they were a couple of weirdos. Couple.

“I’m sorry Tae Ni. I had to leave. My mum wanted to unpack her stuff in Busan earlier than I expected.” Neither of them made a move to release. The stayed in that position because they wanted to. It was warm and comfortable. At least, for Tae Ni it was warm.

“You’re moving out… aren’t you?” She whispered the last bit to her question, not wanting a single fraction of it to be true. But she knew it was. Jimin only sighed, and Tae Ni didn’t bother to read what kind of sigh it was. She just wanted to stay like this.

“My dad is. Just my dad.” She knew what this meant, but was still slightly confused. A part of her told her it was good news, but then again she shouldn’t get her hopes up.

“My mum is staying in Busan for a few weeks just to give my dad some time off before he leaves to Mokpo. They both need it.” His voice was stern but quiet enough for her to hear. His voice was soothing. She didn’t care about words. She just reeled in closer to his chest until her heart could reach his.

“I had to leave Tae Ni. I couldn’t tell you since you said you needed time. I didn’t know how long that was going to take, but I knew that if I left, you’d have more than enough time than you needed. But I thought otherwise, that maybe you’d need a lot of time.”

His voice was just as sincere as his actions. Everything was routing around him. He’d left on behalf of her and his parents, just to balance out everything. Tae Ni could see that now. She noticed everything about Jimin, and her heart loved it. She didn’t deny it anymore.

“You gave me enough time, Jimin. The right amount.”  She looked up at him. She was no longer mad at him.

His eyes met hers, connection finally been felt between the two of them sending it back and forth between each other. Jimin glided his hand over the side of her face, brushing her side fringe before placing his palm underneath her jawline. She loved how his palm rested comfortably underneath her side jawline as his other arm circled her waist. She still carried the package between them, but that wasn’t the spotlight as of this moment.

“Why didn’t you tell me you loved me? How could you just listen to me rant on about Taehyung when I can’t even stand the fact of you being with someone else?” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. It was only a small smile that was settled in to soften the mood.

“I didn’t think I had to. Like I said… we’re always together, literally. Being by your side was enough for me.”

“You make it sound like your love for me was easy.”

“My love for you was everything, Tae Ni. Which is one of the reasons I got you this.” He pinched one of the edges of the package, gesturing the item to her.

As much as she was disappointed in releasing from the hugging position they were in, curiosity went beyond her as she was almost sceptical about the package. All this time, she’d been using the package as an excuse when in all it was meant for her.

She eyed it for a second before pinching the package open. She wasn’t surprised to see a fairly smaller box within the package, but imagination went flying through like there was no tomorrow. What had he bought Tae Ni? Why did he buy it? How long has it been since he bought this? What is it?

She looked up at Jimin, reading his expression for further study before actually finding out the containment of his purchase. Only one word could describe his expression, and the best fitting word would probably be anticipation.

She didn’t need a lot of strength to open the box, but as soon as she did, all energy had drained her from both the claustrophobic happening and what he’d bought her. It was a golden outlined shape of a four-leafed clover, accessorised as a necklace.

“I’m lucky enough to be by your side Tae Ni.” She eyed him shortly.

“It feels like your restricting yourself from me, Jimin.” Don’t get her wrong. She was very much ecstatic about the gift he’d bought her, not to mention he put meaning into it. But it did feel as if he had restricted himself from her because he hadn’t known yet 100% of how he felt about her own feelings toward him.

For some reason, the same nostalgia came through her senses. The day Jimin had agreed to kiss her with a condition. That condition was the restriction, the line drawn from feeling any different from their current friendship. I guess that line had them facing each other, looking at each other and mirroring one another. It wasn’t exactly a barrier, because if it were, they’d completely destroyed it.

“Don’t.” Tae Ni simply said, and Jimin knew what she was implying to. His soft smile didn’t give her the butterflies, but the fantasy of being with him until the edge of always. To have him hold her again, same way he did just before she opened the box.

Jimin took the necklace and laced it around her neck, clipping it at the back. At the same time as he leaned in to place to necklace around her neck, his eyes gazed at hers like they were trying to say something. Her hand was brought up to his cheek and she grazed her fingers softly, tracing his jawline. “I can’t be me without you.” She whispered.

“I love you so much Yun Tae Ni. I always have.” He’d strengthened her from all her drained energy. She rested her other palm on the other side of his cheek and brought him closer.

And closer.

And closer.

And closer.

Until their lips meet. The same spark, the same connection was rebounding in between the two. Only now was sure. She’d now known her own heart. Nothing could ever compare this moment to any other. Her top lip in between his lips, as it were a perfect bond. She wrapped her arms around his neck, yanking him closer, as Jimin had done the same but by the waist. Their hearts reaching out for each other.

Tae Ni had to tip toe a tiny bit, but the waist being held gave her enough support. They both retreated, breathless almost. She gripped his arms firmly secured onto her waist.

“I love you too Park Jimin. And I know I was ranting on about loving Taehyung and all… and how…” Before she could even finish, Jimin had already pressed his lips against hers, forbidding her to speak.

She traced back and viewed the necklace Jimin had bought her, bringing her palm up until it was carrying the charm of it.

“Guess you could say you’re lucky to be with me now.” She commented. He beamed and wrapped his arms around her, tightening it slightly as he drew her in.

“I am lucky to be with you. Always.”

And they had found it. Through varied aspects of being lost and caught up in their own predicament, they’d found it.

Their Eudaimonia. Together.