WHAT IF ONE DAY, SOMEONE CAME INTO HER LIFE TO CHANGE IT FOR THE BETTER?

wHEN SHE COULD FINALLY BE ABLE TO SEE AGAIN?

WHY WOULD HE BETRAY HER WHEN SHE FINALLY FELL FOR HIM?

WHAT IF A COLD HEARTED MAN WERE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HER?

"YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHOM I TRUSTED, SO WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE?"

"WHAT AM I TO YOU?"

"WHY WERE YOU JUST USING ME?"

title. [9/10]

the title is alluring and beautiful. two possible thoughts will be in the readers' mind–one: the heir is physically blind and cannot see anything at all; two: the heir is blinded by money and wealth. the title makes the reader think, and eventually they will click on your story to find out who is this 'heir' you speak of in title, how and why is she/he blind. surely, it is worth looking forward to, the plot. overalll, i really like the title.


description/foreword. [8/10]

judging by the description, i say that the story has to be interesting and somewhat surreal, given that the girl, yoojung is blind, readers will be wondering how will she live her life. the only problem is, you did give some part of your plot out in the description, like "why would he betray her when she finally fell for him?". readers will immediately know that some of the upcoming chapters will involved betrayal, and lets just say that 0.5/4 of the readers just can't accept this kind of things(reality) and will turn away from your story. but tha isn't a reallty big issue. to top it all, your description is fine and will remain mysterious and attract readers, as long you don't reveal the characters.



plot. [37/40]

i think it hasn't progress much on where/when the girl meets the boys(or maybe some other people) but the plot is going to be interesting. i think that where yoojung's father was killed was quite abruptly. it happened so fast. what i meant was, maybe try and describe yoojung's father feelings and surroundings a bit more. it was quite unreal that when yoojung's father was saying "just kill me now," she wasn't giving any reactions. (ex. crying and begging her father). girls at her age should know what does 'kill' and 'die' means, right? after all, she did give reactions(screaming) when her father was being beaten. but above all, i think the plot is quite unique in some ways.


characters. [11/15]

it only has one chapter, so i think that the characters' personalities and characteristics are lacking(not enough described), but i can see that the girl has a pretty tough and kinda-rebel personality to her 'father'. the girl's personality is going to capture the readers attention, i say.


consistency. [4/5]

i can't definite the actual consistency of the story as it only has one chapter for now, but the flow was quite smooth so far. there were no sentence(s) that stopped me from reading and interupt the flow.


grammar/punctuations. [14/15]

you are quite strong in grammars but there are still a few small grammar mistakes and typos(?) in the story. this:


´original: "Dad, where are you going?!" she mumbled in hersleep. once again, she's dreaming about her real father.

´revised: "dad, where are you going?!" she mumbled in her sleep. once again, she was dreaming about her real father.


—"she's" means "she is". since your story is in past tense, it is only correct that you change "she's" into "she was".

and there was this part which made me confused: "in a fit of rage, he tossed his mug in her direction, making her hair wet with tea." this is  quite strange–your sentence clearly says that yoojung's 'father' threw(tossed) the mug at her. common sense, that means the mug thrown by him will hit yoojung's head and she will bleed. but she didn't. your sentence says that only the tea came splashing out at yoojung and the mug is nowhere to be found. if you are trying to say yoojung's father wanted to splash his tea at yoojung for being stubborn and disobedient, this sentence is more suitable- ↓

—in a fit of rage, he grabbed his mug and splashed the tea inside at her, making her hair wet with tea.

and don't forget to add fullstops when ending a sentence–


enjoyment. [5/5]

i enjoyed your story. i really like the girl's(yoojung's) tough personality. at first, though, when i saw the title, i was a bit disappointed and thought that the story will be similiar to a korean drama–the heirs. and i guess i was somewhat wrong, hehe. never judge a book by its cover. and also, i find the story interesting as it sparks my interest, fanfics nowadays seldoms involve any characters that are either blind or are handicaps.  i have visited a few review shops before and always found you requesting for reviews. i like your spirit, always requesting here and there at review shops. anyways, this story will definitely lead me to a whole new fanfiction world, fighting and keep up the good work!


total: [88/100]; if i'm not mistaken.
 
(+)extras;
readers' respond.

wow, the story received many comments and attention. it is very good that the readers decided to leave their thoughts in the comment section. it always brings you the chance to improve yourself. there is no problem here, you have all the feedbacks you can get from the commentors.


tags.

there is absolutely no problem with your tags. your tags section included a few popular tags which are 'exo', 'baekhyun' and 'romance'. your story is practically dying for more attention! you wil receive the attention you deserve sooner or later.