You heard it loud and clear the first time your friend told you that “She’s getting married”

You’ve expected it to happen honestly, that she’d finally found someone then settled down. After all, she’s not that hard to love, you know it, oh you really know it.

But you let her slipped away, for him. Yes, him. Him who didn’t even last long with you, ironically, because you can’t love him, not even close to what you felt for your previous ex’s, moreover to what you felt for her.

So what was it all about? Your affair with him? You don’t know, up until now, you still don’t know.

Love? Definitely not it. Lust? He got good lust over you, on that you wouldn’t doubt it, but he’s definitely not better than her when he tried to show it to you.

Then what? You don’t know.

“I didn’t know you can be this low” her sister told you not long after she caught you red handed then walked away that night “Amber couldn’t face you yet, but I think it’s better if she’d not see you anymore, that’s why I’m here to take her stuffs with me”

“To be honest..I really want to slap you into oblivion and spat evil words at you for being such a and cheated on her like that” and you couldn’t say anything because simply, you know her sister was right. She’s right on everything. That you’re low, you’re , you cheated on her, and you didn’t deserves her anymore “Amber loves you Krys.. She loves you so much you had no idea what you’ve made her become with this”

You didn’t know, but now you know. She’s getting married. She’s happy then, right? And you should be happy too.

But why don’t you feel happy?

You’re so selfish that even when you didn’t get invited, you wanted to come to her wedding. You wanted to see her. You wanted to talk to her. About what? You don’t know, maybe you do, but you’re not sure. You just got to come to her, see her, talk to her, and you did, even if you had to fly from where you’re living now, just to stalked her because no one from your old peers wanted to tell you anything about her except a wise advice to “Leave her alone Krys, she’s happy now, don’t ruined it”

How come they thought you would want to ruin her happiness? All you wanted was to see her, to talk to her, why would they think that you’re going to ruin her happiness? Did it seems like you wanted to do that when you simply asked them about where she lived now since the apartment once you shared with her was no longer hers nor yours?

And you did finally saw her “..And a carton of milk, got it babe, that’s all I need to buy? You sure? Nothing more?” at a supermarket near her new place, alone, pushing a cart full of cooking necessities, while talking on her phone to someone she called ‘Babe’.

‘Babe’ that’s how you called each other before. How did that end up with nothing now? Oh yes, you almost forgot, you ed up. You ruined it. You cheated behind her back with someone you’re not even sure you ever had feelings with. And here you are, hiding somewhere, watching her, listening to her conversation with someone who made her happy.

She’s happy right? You don’t want to ruin her happiness right? But somehow, you do.

“Amber..”

You saw her looking at you as if you were some kind of a ghost. You were searching over something in the way she looked at you. You were stubbornly, almost desperately trying to find something in the way she looked at you. But other than surprised, utterly shocked, there’s nothing more.

You wanted to see her, now you do. But somehow you didn’t want her to talk, afraid that it would be something you didn’t want to hear, about what? You’re not sure.

“I heard that you’re getting married” you said as you saw her briefly stopped her cup of coffee mid air, before she proceed to take a sip of it, then hummed as the reaction of the latest news you knew about her.

“You’re not inviting me” you saw her run her fingers through her now dark brown hair. You wonder when did she dye it? You wonder did her new girl tell her to? You wonder did her new girl know as much as you knew that when she run her fingers through her hair it means she’s frustrated, but at the same time, brushing her hair slowly while massaging her scalp would helped her to calm down?

“Why are you here Krys?” she asked you “Why the sudden appearance? And why would you care if I’m getting married or if I’d invite you or not?” and it directly stabbed you right in your heart.

Her questions resonated in your mind, why? Why were you here? Why did you suddenly show up after years of running away from reality? Reality of the fact that you and her were over, you’ve hurt her, and she deserves someone else better than you. That’s the fact you’ve been trying to accept. That’s the reality that you got splashed right on your face the moment she saw you with nothing on but a thin sheets covering your body full of hickeys, made by him. Someone who was no one but a stupid affair.

“I’m sorry..” you told her, with all of your honesty, she looked at you. Just looking at you. The kind of look that seems like she’s undressing you right to your bones, you felt vulnerable, but at the same time, guilty.

“After all these years, that’s still the only thing you could say” she directly told you, the kind of statemnt that didn’t necessarily need a counter reaction “You know what, it’s okay Krys, I think I came to the point that I get it already, about why and how did we end up like this? It’s okay, really, I understand, it just bound to happen, you were not happy so naturally you’d look over something else that could make you happy, so it’s okay, I understand”

Is that true? That you were not happy with her, that’s why you looked over something else to make you happy?

But it doesn’t seems right, it wasn’t right “It’s not it”

“Then why?!” she shouted at you, ignoring the eyes of the others around them “Why did you do that? Why did it have to be like that? Why can’t you just tell me if you wanted something else? You didn’t know what I’ve been through because of it, you didn’t know how many sleepless night I had to spent just to get rid of the images of you with someone else, I was afraid to sleep Krys, I was even afraid to close my eyes just for a ing minute because I was afraid the images would come back to haunt me! Do you have any idea what you had done to me?!”

You didn’t know, but you do now, and you could only cry.

“And you were wondering why I didn’t invite you?” she asked you with a bit softer tone, a tone that you knew it was because how much of sadness you’ve caused her to feel even until today “I love you Krys.. I’d die for you, I’d do anything for you, but I couldn’t see you without remembering that night. And I hate it, I hate to be reminded of that night”

“I’m sorry..” was the only thing you can say all over again

“I know..” she said “And I’m sorry too, but I want to be happy, I want to have a happy life, with someone who is happy with me” you wanted her to stop because you know you wouldn’t like what she’ll say next “To be happy, I have to forget you. I’ve tried so hard to get to where I am now.. It takes a lot of courage for me to trust someone again. To trust myself that it's okay for me to love someone once again. That what happened before, was not my fault. So you got no rights to waltz in like this in front of me”

“I’m sorry..” you suddenly realized what you want now, you wanted to see her because “I miss you..” you wanted to talk to her because you wanted to convince her that “I need you..”

But deep down inside, you knew, you were too late.

You had the chance to be happy with her, you’ve ruined it. Why? You didn’t know before, but now you know, simply because you took her love, for granted, missing the fact that eventually, she could get tired.

That affair, now you know, it was nothing but a merely infatuation, you were infatuated by the opportunity. The thrill. The adrenaline rush to do something out of your character. You did it without even realizing that it could turn your life, her life, upside down. You have ed it all up. You have missed your chance to be happy with her, you sacrificed it for your own playful ego.

And that’s the reality you have to it up, when she told you “We’re over Krys. We’re just not meant to be. I love you too, but our love, I think it would never meant to be, I’m sorry..” for the most sincere “I love you” you ever said to anyone in your life.

She’s sorry, you know she felt sorry, so does you.

But this time, you both know, what that sorry stands for.

Because it was too late. Its all, too late.