"You should at least talk to him. It's been months, Hun," Tao tries to mask his voice, careful not to wake the others as he hands Sehun a cup of cappuccino.Cappuccino, Sehun thinks, Minseok hyung. Sehun shrugs as he takes the coffee cup and slides into his sheets. He was thankful for Tao, he's always been the overly-enthusiastic-about-everything-love-related friend he had. Though most people now think Tao and him have something more than friendship, it really wasn't the case. He was just always there. Sehun was thankful for Tao on nights like these when he couldn't sleep and he would stay up with him. At least until maybe 2 a.m. and sleep becomes inevitable for Tao.

"What's the point? The conversation never goes anywhere anymore and--why am I drinking coffee when I'm trying to sleep?"

"I don't know."

"Stupid."

"Stupid."

Tao pats Sehun on the back before leaving for bed. Sehun pulls up his sheets. He is alone in his head again. Great.

Luhan has moved rooms since that thing happened and it was particularly hard not to miss his presence like crazy. He's just two rooms down from his but he feels like they're worlds apart. Maybe that was why this winter seemed especially cold. Great. He sighs to himself again as he takes a sip of his coffee.

It wasn't always the case. In fact, it was way different back then. He puts the mug underneath the bed hoping he won't kick it over the next morning and takes his hand to cover the sudden pang he feels in his chest as the sudden rush of memory settles.

Sehun remembers looking down from his bed that one time. He and Luhan shared the bunk bed then (which has always been to Sehun's advantage, being that close to Luhan every night) and he remembers how he had been hearing sobs all evening that time. Luhan had been very lonely, filled with thoughts of home. God knows how much pressure he felt at that moment and Sehun saw how it manifested on Luhan. Sehun wanted to hold him and tell him 'Please come to me, I'll listen, hyung.'

"Are you okay?" Sehun had climbed down from his bed and settled beside Luhan. The older's eyes were filled with sadness, he recalls, red and sore from the way he dug them into his hands. Sehun still hasn't forgotten how beautiful Luhan was despite the tears.

"What's wrong, hyung? You can always tell me. You can always tell me, you know? I'd take you out for bubble tea if it wasn't two in the morning. You know what that is right? It's like a smoothie--" Luhan hugged Sehun to his chest as he chuckled. Sehun laughed, too, because he was always pleased with the fact that he is able to make his hyung laugh.

"Of course I know what bubble tea is," Luhan had said that night and Sehun will never forget the words which followed, "I'm thankful for you, Sehun. Really thankful I have someone like you."

He loved Luhan. His voice, his movements, his laugh, his everything. How he would sing decade-old ballads at night. I know this song from when I was young, hyung. It's a lot more beautiful when you sing it. How his voice sounded like rain on summer nights. Soothing the drought in his heart with every note. And when he moved, how he looked like satin flowing from place to place tying every inch of Sehun's insides in beautiful knots. How his laugh felt like the vibrations of the earth cradling Sehun's heart that it almost felt like songs in itself. He has always loved him. He loved him since he was sixteen.

Whatever that 'someone' Luhan meant, Sehun still doesn't know and might never know. What had happened between them never really cleared anything out, either, memories continuing to haunt his thoughts to this day.

They were left alone at the dorm as the others went out that one night. Luhan chose to stay home and begged Sehun to stay with him. The younger, as always, obliged to stay with his hyung. Maybe it was because Luhan has had a little too much alcohol that night, bottle after bottle of vodka cruisers, that made him act that way. It was not usual for Sehun to see that kind of Luhan. He was a mess, bawling and digging his face into his hands.

"Sehun, why do I feel so hollow? Have you ever had that feeling? Like you're just so hollow despite everything." Luhan had asked, attempting to make it seem like a joke. He'd always been the stronger and more mature person.

"Hyung." Sehun held Luhan close to his chest as Luhan suddenly broke down in his long arms, resting his body in Sehun's lean torso.

"It's funny, Sehun, how people think we're cute together. It's really cute." Luhan sounded very drunk and he was wobbly. The next thing Sehun knew was Luhan's lips were on his, his body filled with a sudden warmth from shock and longing. He kissed back and Luhan bit his lip. Their mouths were a tangled mess and it did not come as a surprise when Luhan dug his fingers on Sehun's back and lifted his shirt. Sehun remembers how he undressed the older and threw his clothes eagerly to the side. 

"Hyung, are you sure?" Sehun remembers asking.

Luhan's body was foreign to Sehun but he wanted to read every part and every detail like a riddle waiting to be answered. He wanted to please Luhan with every bit of himself, every sound Luhan made made him want to love him all night that night and take all of Luhan's worries somewhere away from the both of them. "I love you, hyung. I love you too much." Sehun had said and he recalls how Luhan responded with a nod and proceeded to wrap his arms around Sehun's neck, resting his head on his shoulder. "I love you so much." he whispered again with a smile but Luhan did not hear. He kissed him again, for the third time, on the lips, short but just as loving as the earlier one. "Goodnight, hyung."

The morning after, he will always remember.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Hun."

Those words still stir up so much pain even after so many months.

Sehun shifts to face the walls that were colder than usual and smelled like bare concrete. He's glad Kyungsoo slept in Jongin's room tonight, giving him the room all to himself. No one to judge him if he ever decides to cry.

The room is jet black now that the only thing lighting the room is the moonlight through the small windows on the other side. Sehun sits himself up. Something heavy settles in his chest and he is filled up with so much unbearable sorrow, longing, and desperation that it makes breathing a voluntary movement making it feel like if he was to stop forcefully contracting his chest, the breathing will stop, too. The thoughts fill and stack above each other.

He remembers how things were and realizes how things are now.

He sees the Luhan he would hold months ago on nights where things weren't going too well.

The same hyung who broke his heart everytime he heard him cry below his bed.
The hyung who grew up and started liking coffee over bubble teas.
The hyung who did not want to be held anymore.
The hyung he never really had a hold on to start with.
The same hyung rooms down from his right at this moment but is worlds away.

The hyung he has loved for years and might always love.

These thoughts lingered in his head every night.

He closes his eyes, shirt wet from droplets of tears forced to fall down upon moving his head. It's alright. He runs his hands to wipe the tears and he falls asleep. Maybe tomorrow won't hurt as much as today.

a/n: italicized if it's a thought or a memory;; find me on twitter @koreanfics