Posted on May 1, 2015 18:32:16

Having cleared up things in the previous post, I believe it's best that I go more in depth now. 

The truth is, it's nearly been a year since I confessed to her. I can't stand how I can't get over her. I also can't stand that I still have a little burning hope that, one day, Tiffany will like me back. Every look she tosses in my general direction, every rare interaction we have with eachother causes me to believe, "This could be my chance to make her like me," or "Maybe she's sneaking a look at me because she likes me." But I'm most likely wrong. 

Even if I have learned greatly from this, this effects me in too many negative ways. In the beginnig of my seventh grade school year, I couldn't stop talking about her. I just rambled on and on about how miserable this has made me or how much I wished she loved me. I tried everything to get her attention. Anything. Whether it was talking too loudly, liking the same things that she liked, sitting near her, or even pretending I had some kind of disorder, I tried so hard just to get her interested in me. And I hate that part of me now. Honestly, that part stills thrives within me and I just want to pretend that what I did never happened. I hate that half of me wants her to stumble upon this blog and read about how much pain and suffering she made me go through. But I'm recovering.

My friend once told me, "If you really love her, leave her alone. Stop trying to force her into something she doesn't want to do." Or something along those lines. Then, at that time, it dawned on me that I was a horrible person and I needed to stop. I hated myself for so long. I felt like a monster because, not only had I done these things, I had done some unmentionable things. I won't mention them for the sake of my dignity, if I have any left. 

The summer after I confessed, there was no school and I was torn down by her in the beginning. Since, I didn't see her everyday, I thought that I'd miss her, just as I had on weekends without her. But I was wrong. As day past, I started to think less about her. Instead of thinking about her very half an hour, it transitioned to every three hours. Instead of her being the first person on my mind in the mornings, I wouldn't think of her until breakfast. I considered this a great improvement.

But I misunderstood this. I thought, 'Yes, I'm finally over her. No more pain, no more tears." Once again, I was wrong. When school started again, the hibernating butterflies in my stomache awakened. One glance at her and I was driven crazy. I was still madly infatuated and I couldn't stop. I tried so hard to, but I couldn't. At one point, my hatred for these stupid feelings turned into hatred for her. I tried to find every flaw of her's and made it feul to the burning resentment, but it didn't work. I 'hated' her, but I loved her too. Hating her made me pay attention to her even more, so I had to stop. I know that none of this is her fault and most of this must be all in my head, so, really, I'm the only one to blame. Sigh, I know my love story may seem boring, but it's good to get something off my chest for once.

Edited on May 1, 2015 18:37:46