The lights in the dorm were all off, it was kinda late to be walking around. I can only see a little spark of light coming from the kitchen, which is good, because I’m so tired I would fall face to the ground if it was darker than this.

I walk slowly till I can find the doorknob I was looking for. It was my room.

The silence was actually caring, not scary at all. It was everything I needed at that moment. Peace. I need peace.

I close the door behind me and sit on my bed, just to lazily stretch my body and lay down minutes after. I take a deep breath. It was a long day.

I didn’t want it to be that way, so suddenly. I didn’t want that everyone knows this way, unexpected. I take a deep breath once more, I don’t want to cry again. I’m not even sure about my feelings, I’m not sure of anything and still the news are spread everywhere for whoever want to see. Everybody knows.

He knows.

And this thought makes a tear fell from my eyes. I’m strong, but not when the matter here is him.

I decide to get up from bed, because now it’s not the perfect time to complain about the situation. It’s done already. Everyone knows. I like her. I don’t know if I love her, but I like what we have.

I walk to the light switch and lit it on, looking around my room calmly. It’s so empty, so cold. It wasn’t like this before. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I take a deep breath once more, even calmer now, trying to find my strength. I take my cloths of, put on my pajamas and try to entertain myself with anything that comes into my view, even the fly that just arrived from the open window is helping. I walk by my desk, where I can see my notebook opened, exactly the way I let it yesterday. I mean, almost exactly.

There was a paper carefully folded on it that wasn’t there when I went out this morning. I didn’t hesitate in take it, open it and read what that bright letter wanted to tell me. What that heart, thrown there, in tint and paper wanted to tell me.

“Sometimes the feeling we call love is really misunderstood. We think this feeling is always related to some other good feelings. But it’s not like this.

There is a big feeling we call love, he reigns all the others, It’s like he’s the king in command of everything around.  Its subjects, let’s call this way, are right below: happiness and sadness. There are also many others that walk together with those three we just said: pain, anger, enchantment, frustration, peace, comprehension, guilty… And the list goes on and on. Each one of these secondary feelings comes with the king. Always. Every single of them has the right time to be felt. But they are always there.

So, don’t think love is a lonely feeling, in whereupon everyone feels the same way and intensity. Don’t think love is easy, because it’s not. To feel the true and pure love you have to go through all these small parts that come with it. It’s Sometimes you love and you are happy. Some other you love and feel frustrated. The only thing that can’t change, even with its high and lows, it’s the love itself. The king never loses his throne. 

Other day I read on a book that the pain needs to be felt.

It works exactly the same with love. It needs to be felt. Happy or not. In all kinds of love.

This, Sungmin, is what I learned from you. That love has many ways to be felt. It’s not lonely, it always comes accompanied.

And I accept to feel all of them, altogether if you will, if this love that reigns me is for you.

Always yours”

I was done. My heart was shattered right there, in front of me, the moment I finished reading it. Each part of my being hurt. Each time I caught my eyes roaming around the letter, a piece of me dissolved in tears.

I hastened to pick up a paper, a pen and my heart. It was everything I needed that moment.

“I know I love you and I always will. I feel all the king’s subjects right now, as you said you would be willing to feel. I know that you and I will have the same king reign us for the rest of our lives, even that he’s coward enough to not show himself to the world.

So, accept the other love I’m showing now, knowing that ours will be always alive, fighting against all the odds, against everyone that doesn’t believe in us. Accept that the love I show now is not our coward king. The one I show now is this new king I’m building.

But you can be sure that this king won’t come with as much subjects as ours.

Always yours”.