Tell me, was there ever a way?  A chance?  Or was I simply just blinded by false hope?  Because when I look back, I realise you never gave me a chance, did you?  Those times that we laughed together, smiled at each; I didn't know it then but I realise now that I was the only one laughing.

             How long did you hide it from me?  How long did you watch me wander around clueless, allowing me to say all those things?  It must have been so painful to hear them, even I can tell, so why did you always reply with a smile and a nod?  When I said things like "let's go overseas this summer!" or "next year for your birthday let's do something really special!" why did you say we could when you knew it'd be impossible?  Why did you let me look forward to something that would never happen?  Why did you give me hope when there was none?

             I'll never understand how you hid it so well, I thought I knew you so well yet you proved me wrong when you constantly lied to me every day and I believed every word.  Did you ever plan on telling me the truth?  Or were you going to wait until it was completely over and let me find me out when I couldn't even cry in your arms anymore?  Because that was so close to actually happening, I was so close to being led by false hope and only thinking I had your hand in mine the whole way.

              With the sun quickly setting in front of us, I begin to wonder: Do I blame you?  I wish.  Do I hate you?  I should.  Do I still love you?  My heart will never change.  On the nights I feel the worse, I shift the blame to you in hopes that the guilt in my heart will vanish and I'll be free, but that never happens.  I remind myself constantly that I have no blame in this, that I did nothing to cry myself to sleep over every night.  But then I remember that only when it was far too late did I decide to finally do something, to try and protect you — to try and save you.  For so long you were the only thing I would protect with my life, you were the only person precious enough to risk everything to save, but I failed when that courage mattered most.

              And now, because of my cowardice or because of your fear, we stand here watching our memories play out across the sky.  I see so many times we were happy together for so long, and then I see the memories when you started to lie.  Seeing them all play together like this I finally notice when you started to change, when you smiled less, when you became quiet, when you were always tired.  How blind I was.  You were so energetic all the time, but then you suddenly became tired and worn out quickly, and you were always needing to take a rest during walks, long or short.  I feel so stupid for not having seen it sooner and, again, I feel that tug on my heart as the guilt weakens me.

              Could I have saved you if I knew sooner?

              I realise also that you never cried on my shoulder, even when I found out you never once fell into my arms and cried.  How are you so strong?  All I've done is cry and I'm sick of it.  But you've been strong for so long, aren't you tired?  Trust me, it's nice to give up once in a while, give it a try.  Just throw your arms over me and let go, cry for as long as you've been strong, let all the pain out.  I promise I'll wrap my arms around you, too, and hold you close to me for as long as you stay.  You've done the same for me a countless number of times already, and I'm sure in only a matter of minutes you'll have to again.  I'm not as strong as you, but I know when it's time to give up.

               All I do is try to be strong for you, to smile when I'm feeling sad, but I can't... I just can't do it anymore.  Your fingers are fitted so perfectly between mine, but can you feel my grip tighten?  Is it painful?  Because I'm trying to be strong right now but I feel like I'm crushing your fingers, and you're not flinching.

              The sun is nearly down now.  Night is almost upon us.  What will we do then?  I never realised before just how fast a day ends, or maybe it's only this day that is flying past us too fast for us to catch up because the world knows it's our last and it wishes for suffer even more.  Is that even still possible at this point?  Haven't we suffered enough?  Because I'm even starting to think that our first day meeting was nothing but the first mistake of many.  

              Today, I know, will soon become nothing but a scene projected in my mind meant to bring happiness and peace to my heart, but it'll only bring pain.  And our memories, our times spent in the arms of each other will be...nothing.  They won't even be an empty page in a book, though, because I'll always remember, even when you cannot.  They can embed a million thorns into my heart, etch the pain into my very flesh, leave me alone to cry in a corner until everything starts to spin, push me off a cliff down to nothing; it doesn't matter because I will always remember our time together for both of us, because they were the happiest times of my life and are far too dear to me.  I couldn't protect you, but I swear I'll protect our memories.

              I want to tell you that, to reassure you that you don't have to try to remember, but words are not what we want right now.  Words aren't needed, because all we want right now is time.  Just a little more time, and maybe then I can walk away from here without regret, without guilt, and if I can, without tears because I want the last thing I see from you to be your smile.  I want my last memory of you to not be you walking away as you wipe away your tears — I want to do that for you, I want to wipe away all of your tears — I want my last memory of you to be your beautiful smile as you turn away from me for the last time.

              Tell me, what should I do?  Because I already can tell that once today is over, once you're gone, I'll go back to my weak self who couldn't do anything, who cried and worried about every little thing, who was once pushed to the ground and never stood back up until you came along and lifted me to my feet.  I don't think you know just how you saved me that day, and how many times you saved me after.  Until I met you I was in the corner, in the darkness for years.  I never looked up at the night sky and saw how beautiful the stars could be, yet you took my hand, let me out and showed me those sights.  If only I could give you a star to show how grateful I was and still am to you for meeting me four years ago.  But all I can do is hold your hand and wait...wait for the time we'll part.

              I'm...scared.  I dreamed of staying at your side tomorrow, next week, next month, next year; for the rest of our lives I wanted to be with you.  I want to see new things at your side.  I want to cry from laughing so hard just one more time with you.  I want to sing with you.  I want to dance with you.  I want to stay up all night with you watching our favourite movies.  I want to grow old together.  I want us to shine together.  But we can't do any of those anymore, can we?  I know.  I'll say it's okay and nod with a smile, but that won't stop the tears when it finally hits me that this really is our last moment together.  And we can't even spend it laughing.

              There's something on the tip of my tongue that nearly slipped out, but I caught it in time before it could —  I don't want bring up any questions right now.  But I'm so curious to know if it ever hurt?  I used to say things I dreamed of us doing, like having a family or moving somewhere beautiful, I wonder if it hurt you to hear those things when you knew there wasn't a chance they could happen?  I figure it would, especially since you smiled and nodded, saying that they'd be nice and you look forward to them, but you still seemed so happy to hear them.  Did they, for even just a moment, allow you to slip away from reality and forget the truth?  Is that why?

              There are so many others things I want to ask, but there isn't any time.  Some are things I've asked a thousand times while others I've never asked once.  However, I doubt there is an answer to any of them.  There are so many things I want to say to you too, but I wasted my chances to say them and now it's too late.  I want to tell you a thousand things I never said before, things I was too afraid to say or just too shy, but I want you to hear them now.  Will you listen?  Will they still reach you from far, far away when it's all over?  Because you need to hear them and I need to say them, it's the only why I'll sleep easily every night without you next to me.

              But all too soon I know that our time is ending.  From the tugging of my heart, the tears in my eyes, my grip on your hand trembling with fear and regret, the tightening of my chest, the scream suffocating me, the begging voice in my head, the teeth on my lip, the feeling in my knees threatening to collapse, and to the thousands of knifes plunged deeply into my heart.

              Could I have saved you?  If I did hesitate that day or that one, could I have prevented this?  If I didn't stay crying in the corner while you suffered, could we still be together?  Because now, more than ever, I wish I could stop time so this day never ends, because I love you too much to watch you walk away like this.  Is it possible?  Would you let me?  Freeze time so we could stay here forever, in each other's arms?  Or do we have to watch this sky tonight so we can part, and then I'll watch it change again tomorrow without you by my side?

              Answer me, please.  Let me know it's okay.  Hold me close because I can feel tears about to fall and I don't think I can keep myself together for much longer.  

              Tell me, just one more time, that you love me.  Hold me, just one more time wrap your arms around me.  Because I will scream my love for you a thousand times if it will stop this from happening.  Because I don't want to say goodbye, it's too soon.  We had so much planned and now we're watching it crumble between our fingers.  It's not fair.  It's not fair...  Why weren't we given a chance?  Was it my fault?  Did I screw up again?

              I want to know so many things, I want say so many things, I want to feel so many things...but our time is up.  Your hand is slipping away from mine, further and further away even if I hold you tighter.  It can't end like this.  Tell me it's a dream, tell me I've been having one long nightmare this entire time and I'll wake up soon to see your smiling face and to hear you laugh at me when I tell you about all of this.  So, when am I going to wake up?  I ask for one thing now, one thing I finally voice, "please don't leave me like this..." But still, your hand slips away from mine and I feel the whole world crash down on me.  The tears are falling again.  Will you hold me this time, too, and let me cry on your shoulder?

              No, there is one more favour I ask of you: Let your smile be the last thing I see.  I said I want my last memory of you to be your smile.  So, despite everything falling apart around me, pulling me under and killing me again and again with each passing second, I smile at you and hold my tears for just a little longer.

              And you smile back.