Because a promise is a promise.

Kyuhyun gets 50% vote on MCountdown Prevote today, so here it is the update, a long update

4000~ words.

I hope you keep voting every day, use as many accounts you have.

Give the baby the love he deserves.

Thanks for you all who have voted and worked hard to support Kyuhyun.

Sincerely,

SH

 

 

 

He found it.

He types something in a rush. There is a click sound when he enters 131109 in the password box, a sign that he got the password right this time.

As soon as the device is unlocked, it’s not his photo, or their photo or Kyuhyun photo.... It is just a picture of two hands with the same rings he wore days ago, intertwined.

Siwon smiles “London, indeed.”

He smiles because he is satisfied with his effort that getting through unlocking the phone, he doesn’t realize deep inside his heart another feeling grows, it is not only curiosity nor satisfaction...

 

Being too excited, he took out his new phone and dialed someone he owes big time.

“Hyung...”

“Yes? Siwon, how are you feeling? Better?” the guy in the end of the line answers.

“I am getting better each day, hyung. Very thankful.”

“Thank God.”

“Hyung...thank you.”

“Why? You have nothing to thank me...”

“I have. You’ve told me the most important part. London, November 9th two years ago. I know now even though I don’t know how to feel, at least...”

“London? How do you know that?”

“You told me. The day we met when I was fainting, I still remember how you described to me the day it happened; the members were there in the hotel room, it was a sudden proposal...”

“Siwon....I never told you about that all.”

“No hyung, you told me. I remember it clearly. Everyone was surprised, they even kicked me. It was so funny.” He recites the memory

“Really......I swear I never told you any of it. You fainted after I only revealed that you two were engaged.”

“No...I re-" his voice gone and for a moment Brian trying to calling Siwon’s name through the sudden cut call, but no one answers. When Jiwon barges in to his room, Siwon is already sprawling on the floor, hugging his head with both hands.

“Oppa? Are you alright? Brian oppa just called me...” she crouches down to turn Siwon’s around.

“I am alright.” He whispers while massaging his scalp, but obviously he is far from alright.

“I’ll call the doctor.” She gets up but Siwon holds her arm, stopping her.

“No, Jiwon. I am fine. Please call me a cab.” He suddenly stands and manages to look steady.

“What? No. Where are you going?”

“I need to check something.” Pulling his jacket from the closet. He looks just fine suddenly.

Jiwon is so ready to yell at his brother for his nonchalant doing, but something inside her heart tells him to let go.

“What if....you get lost?”

“If I haven’t called you in two hours, just track my phone.” Then he kisses Jiwon’s cheek, causes Jiwon to have deja vu sort of feelings. It’s only these recent years does Siwon like to give a peck on her cheek, so she is somewhat feeling happy the habit makes a comeback.

He arrived at a place where his mind tells him a few minutes ago. It is a cafe located in Hongdae, not too fancy but great enough to have some privacy since there is the second floor which is reserved with few tables only. He enters the cafe, walking up the stairs ignoring the fact that he becomes the center of attention since he stood on the entrance. He chooses to sit near the corner. After some time he sees Kyuhyun coming towards him, but he sits on the table beside him at the corner of the cafe, staring outside the window.

“Kyuhyun...” he mumbles, but the latter seems indifferent, he keeps his hands on his jacket pocket. Then Siwon suddenly sees another Siwon coming up from the stair and walks straight to the corner as if he knows that Kyuhyun is waiting there, pulls the chair and sits across to Kyuhyun.

Despite his confusion, Siwon keeps watching himself and Kyuhyun conversing, but he couldn’t hear their voices, he tries to listen but still couldn’t hear a thing. He feels weird to try eavesdropping people’s talk, it’s like he is invading someone else’s privacy even though the object of it, is himself.

Until Kyuhyun takes a box out from his pocket, does Siwon realize that Kyuhyun is trembling; he pushes the box gently to Siwon’s side. Siwon is still composed, hands clutch above the table, ignoring the box despite the wistful smile Kyuhyun sends him. Kyuhyun pulls Siwon’s hand gently and put the box inside the older’s palm, patting the clutched palm, he shakes his head. Then Kyuhyun leaves Siwon who is gripping the box tightly, too hard which could almost break it.

Siwon takes a pity on Siwon, who is abandoned by Kyuhyun, bawling his eyes out. Anger grows inside him; didn’t he say he loves me?

Pride and love, he couldn’t pick one. One thing he knows, Kyuhyun rejected him that time, that is all.

 

 

 

***

A sigh of relief comes from Jiwon following Siwon’s arrival at home. Passing Jiwon’s one after another curious questions, Siwon strides to his room; doesn’t bother to turn on the light, he throws himself on the bed and stares empty at the ceiling.

You loved me so much!

Did I really love him so much? Did he love me too? What is it in the box? Is it that a ring? Why did he give it back to me?

There is a weird noise comes from his closet, it’s the vibration of his old phone he has been abandoning since the morning. It fazes him so he walks to the closet and grabs the phone.

REMINDER!!

500days we’ve been together officially!

Siwon & Kyuhyun forever

#Bugsy

xoxo

 

It is so childish. Talking about timing, it is so emotion destroyer.

It’s easier to punch the phone or throw it to the wall to stop it from blinking and showing the reminder, but Siwon just tightens his grip and punch his own fist to the closet door. He falls on the floor.

“Oppa!” Jiwon rushes inside the room and gathers Siwon in her arm. “What are you doing?” she almost yelled, but no she is crying. Siwon doesn’t answer, he keeps sobbing and sobbing. Looking at Siwon’s bleeding knuckles and a phone under his grip, she knows immediately. She takes away the phone and hugs him.

 

After a moment of silence, the sobs start to wear off. Jiwon pats him “You can’t use this phone. There are many things inside this phone that you are not ready for.”

Siwon looks at her; unhearing. His eyes pleading for her to take the pain he never comprehends its existence in the first place away from him. Why something he doesn’t remember existed can take control of his feelings and wreck his self-composed?

“Will it make any different now if remember everything?” he murmurs.

As if didn’t hear a sound, Jiwon walks out from the room and comes back a minute with first aid box. She kneels over and gently take cares of Siwon’s bleeding hand.

“I don’t know anymore.... my heart is hurting and I don’t know why...” he whispers

She glances at Siwon;

“Oppa, remember what the doctor said to you? You shouldn’t be under stressed, right?

“I want to know, but I don’t want to know.”

“It’s not the time. You are not fully better yet. The last time you got paralyzed, you didn’t wake up for 36 hours, you got nosebleed and you couldn’t even lift a finger after you woke up. You have to take it slowly oppa....if that person loves you, he surely can wait.”

“It’s not about it. I just want to know........how far.....we were...”

“Believe me. It is not the time for you to know everything.” She smiles “Now get up! You are not going to spend the night on the floor. Not today when I am still around.”

Siwon gets up and is obediently tucked under the comforter. Before closing his eyes he asks “Who is Bugsy?”

“Bug-Bugsy? How do you know about Bugsy?”

“The reminder.”

“Bugsy is our French bulldog. You love him so much, your fans too.”

“Where is Bugsy now? Why no one told me about it?”

“He is with someone. Don’t worry he is in good hand.”

 

 

***

It is true what Jiwon said, every time Siwon remembers something about the past five years, especially the memories he shared with Kyuhyun, his mind goes wild, there is a massive headache inside his scalp, nausea; not to mention the anxiety and frustration mixed in one. It is either a post-traumatic amnesia or brain injury, he doesn’t know. He is restless. The doctor gave him painkillers and offered a treatment that would make him feel better but it seems like it’s taking him away from whatever he needs to know.

Sometimes before his sleep, Siwon would ask himself: why do I want to know about it if I don’t want it? Why do I keep searching for it when I clearly don’t like the forthcoming? Is it really okay to know everything? Why would I care?

 

***

He manages to stay out of trouble just like what Jiwon has told him, he is trying to live his life comfortably, put aside searching for the million pieces of his unattended memory. But it is a different story when the source of all the memories presents in front of his very eyes every single day.

He fazes why it affects him so much every time he looks at him, even though Kyuhyun is obviously avoids eye contact with him but his heart, it is always like the first time he saw Kyuhyun in the hospital, thumping faster and faster.

“Kyuhyun, wait.” Siwon stops Kyuhyun on his track, hand hanging midair in front of Kyuhyun, yet it doesn’t close enough to touch him, and he doesn’t try to. There is an odd space between them.

Kyuhyun looks up; gloomy is understatement judging from the wrinkles on his eyes, the eye bags, and the empty stare. He is sorrowful, but he tries to smile.

“I am sorry about the necklace. I shouldn’t have worn it if...”

“It is okay. It is yours. You can wear it all you want.” He answers and about to walks away.

“You said we were lovers. Why didn’t you tell me that we were engaged?” the last word stops Kyuhyun’s world, his pace, his breathing, he is completely startled, that word just slipped out from Siwon’s mouth like something mundane. He turns around to meet Siwon who is waiting for a response.

“What’s the point of you knowing it?” He breathes out “Either we were engaged or married, those memories don’t matter if you don’t want them, right? Don’t let anyone make you think otherwise, hyung.”

Siwon should be relieved that he is finally free from the responsibility to be Kyuhyun’s fiancé but strangely he feels uncomfortable and sad. He doesn’t know why. It’s like you are so happy going home but the home is empty and nobody’s there when you arrived. He feels betrayed and abandoned.

Siwon’s expression brings back the dull pain he has been neglecting since days. Kyuhyun finally stares back at him, giving Siwon a chance to continue.

“At the museum cafe, why did you give me back the box?”

“What are you saying?” now getting all Kyuhyun’s attention

“You gave a black velvet box to me. What is inside it? A ring? Necklace? Did you reject me? Didn’t you say you love me? Why did you give it back?”

“Hyung........what is this are you plotting? How did you get all of this?”

“I saw it. You gave me the box! The ring! You rejected me!” his voice raises

“I don’t know where you got this thing, I never told anyone about this. And surely you haven’t got your memory back, right? How?”

“I saw it.”

“Saw?” shaking his head lightly with the turning event. “One thing, it is clearly not like you say.”

“Then tell me... did you lie to me about loving me?”

“No! I never told lies. I loved you and I love you. It was in 2012, the reason why I gave it back to you because I couldn’t keep it any longer. I promised you I will help you by keeping that box so you wouldn’t feel hurt and when you finally moved on, you could throw it away with your own hand.”

“I am confused now. Why would I throw it? Moved on from what?”

“It was a gift from Stella. A watch with your name engraved on it.” By the end of his sentence, Kyuhyun’s eyes give up holding the tears.

Lips sealed tight, dumbfounded Siwon only realizes that Kyuhyun has left him when he heard the door to the practice room is closed.

How much did I hurt you back then? Were you hurting really badly? Why did you say I love you so much while what I did was hurting you every time...?

 

 

 

***

Battling his inner turmoil, Kyuhyun decides to join the member in the usual gathering at the seashore, looking back to what they have received for ten years together, the memories, reciting the bad and good ones, laughing and everyone was saved by Kangin and Heechul’s antics.

After some time, the boys start to remove their shirts and run to the water, they drag the maknae that has been sitting on the mat watching them. He says no but his two hyungs just effortlessly lifting him up and throw him in the water, he laughs while whining. At least he laughs.

Siwon who is prohibited for any sort of fall just stands there watching while kicking the water with his feet; his outfit is clearly not chill enough for beach out. He stops when he sees Kyuhyun’s laughing. A beautiful sight.

“Yah! You really love him, don’t you? Look at that stare...” Heechul points his finger at Siwon’s calm face “Even in thousand years and in different kind of conditions, you will always have that in you, I guess.” He continues.

“Hyung... did I really love him back then?”

“I told you, bastard!”

“All I see is..... I hurt him real bad in the past. I ignored his feelings and loved her.”

“You loved her is not your fault. He loved you is not his fault. No one is at fault. And no, you didn’t hurt him all the time.”

“How so?”

“Last year, during the gathering like today, Kyuhyun suffered from enteritis. He had to eat porridge three times a day. Even when we were gathering at the beach, the dorm ahjumma prepared porridge for him. He was banned to eat other foods and alcohol. Imagine when you are in a barbeque party but you couldn’t eat anything other than porridge meal?”

Siwon looks surprised, but the next sentence surprised him more.

“You know what you did? You only ate the porridge and didn’t drink as if you were suffering from enteritis too, so that Kyuhyun wouldn’t feel sad.” Heechul looks at him; satisfied with Siwon’s perplexed look. “That is how much you cared for him.”

Thinking about it makes Siwon smiles. It takes five seconds for him to process what is happening when the members calling out Kyuhyun’s name all of a sudden. Kyuhyun is parted with others and drowned by the waves. Siwon’s legs work on its own, he jumps into the water, despite his clothes he swims faster towards Kyuhyun. When he catches Kyuhyun in his arms, members are on the way and trying to help them out of the water. But Siwon keeps holding Kyuhyun tightly and lifting him up with both hands. Kyuhyun is fainted, his eyes closed and there are water dripping from his lips.

Siwon put him down on the map, without instructions he kneels beside Kyuhyun’s shoulder, pushes down Kyuhyun’s chest hard many times then he gives mouth to mouth breathing. Kyuhyun starts to move and cough. Sigh of relief can be heard from the members. Heechul comes forward and signal the members

“Yah...give him air, don’t crowding.” And the members walk away from the scene left Siwon and Kyuhyun alone.

Kyuhyun’s head is resting on Siwon’s broad palm. Kyuhyun is still panting but the water stops coming out from his mouth. His eyes glistening, when he starts to recognize his surroundings, he flinches at the sight he sees in front of him, Siwon.

“It’s okay. You are alright now. We will take you to the hospital.”

Kyuhyun doesn’t say anything, he just nods lightly and when the medical operators come, he just hopes that Siwon won’t leave him.

“I will go with hyung.” Siwon says when Yongsun announces that he will accompany Kyuhyun to the hospital.

Kyuhyun is too tired; he could only feel a hand holding his; gently before he drifted to deep slumber.

Kyuhyun is stirred from his sleep by the murmur of people in the room talking about the complete CPR Siwon done back in the beach. If Siwon didn’t move fast enough to save the lack of oxygenated blood in Kyuhyun’s body, they probably would lose Kyuhyun.

After talking to the doctor, Kyuhyun feels better, he is fine to go home soon, but it’s better for him to rest for a while, the doctor said.

Siwon comes to sit on the chair beside the table. That when Kyuhyun realizes that he hasn’t changed his clothes, it is dry already, but still slightly wet.

“You will catch a cold if wear your wet clothes.” Kyuhyun mutters.

“Ah I am fine. Will change it at home. How are you feeling? Why didn’t you tell us that you had fever earlier? They wouldn’t force you to get into the water if you told us. You fainted in the water.”

He smiles “Thank you for saving me, hyung.” He brushes Siwon’s back palm gently and by that he realizes that Siwon’s hand were wounded.

He takes a look at his knuckles; the wounds were not new but haven’t healed fully. Why he didn’t see it? Did he ignore Siwon that much to not noticing it earlier? Did he hurt himself?

Siwon draws his hand from Kyuhyun’s hold. “It’s nothing” as if answering the question in Kyuhyun’s mind.

“Did you hurt yourself?” Kyuhyun says concerned.

“No.”

“How did you get this?”

Siwon shrugs his shoulders. “It is just the post-traumatic amnesia, some patient have to go through anxiety, confusion, disorientation and sort of things. I will get through this soon.” Siwon says while grinning as if he is not talking about his own suffering body.

Kyuhyun couldn’t believe how mild Siwon explains himself. He pulls Siwon’s wrist and gathers him in his embrace tightly. Wanting to feel the pain Siwon is feeling, sharing the ache of every inch of Siwon’s body, transferring the only strength he has, so Siwon can survive the injury.

Kyuhyun’s clothes are getting damp, both from Siwon’s wet clothes and tears. Kyuhyun his hand over Siwon’s back when he feels the man is comforted by the hug. They parted after Kyuhyun’s mom came to pick him. She was worried but looking at the scene before her eyes, she is relieved.

“No matter what, you are still our Siwon.” His mom mumbled while patting Siwon’s shoulder.

 

Kyuhyun learns he can’t force Siwon to accept the truth, it takes time. People said if it is yours, it will eventually come back to you. If it is not, then it is never meant to be.

I will keep my promise

 

 

***

Today is the schedule for Siwon to practice the song in the studio with their producer, Peter. Siwon hasn’t familiar with the studio area, he usually only goes to practice room and meeting room, so when he is on the studio floor, he just enters the room he first passes.

He peek from the door and finds a senior on his headphone behind the machine studio, a voice comes out from the recording booth.

His legs move on its own inside the studio and he stands there listening to it,

 

Several seasons have already passed since I let you go

My heart that hurt like death is slowly getting better

I tried placing someone other than you in my heart

But whoever I meet, I couldn’t find the old me

Who was passionate about love

The days we laughed and cried a lot

My friends try helping me bury it with alcohol

 

As i uncomfortably smile with my head down

I wonder if we forgot about those days

I was so foolish, I was too young

I pushed you away, I thought that was the best for you

If I only met you a little later

Would we not have broken up?

 

Every line of the song stabs him, Kyuhyun’s voice takes his breath away, he is overwhelmed by the uninvited feelings, he feels like his knees are getting weaken each time he listens. He tries to stand by holding the edge of the table beside him, but his head weighing and aching everywhere. Before Kyuhyun finished his song, Siwon’s body slumped on the chair and causes it to fell on the floor. Kenzi hears the sound and turns around. He rises on his seat and signals Kyuhyun to stop. Kyuhyun is surprised so he walks out of the booth and finds Siwon lying on the floor, from his nose, blood is dripping.

 

 

***

“Every time he remembers the piece of your memories, he is always like this.” Jiwon says in front of Siwon’s room waiting for the doctor to come out and give details about Siwon’s condition.

“What do you mean Jiwon?”

“Two weeks ago, he met Brian oppa, and he told him that you two were engaged. He collapsed; he slept for two days straight.”

It gets all members’ attention and they could only stare at each other don’t know what to do. Siwon’s family didn’t tell members about it.

“What.....I don’t know.”

“The doctor told him to take it easy. Actually doctor told him to let it go. Those memories put him in danger. Something is wrong with his head, causing an inner turmoil every time he remembers those memories. The anxiety, the frustration. They are hurting him....”

“How is that even possible? Why?” Kyuhyun begins to lose his composure

“I know it is hard to understand oppa, I know your feeling.”

“No, you don’t know......your fiancé isn’t in a room where there are slings going inside his scalp rudely, he is hanging between life and death and it’s because he tries to remember our memory together. Why is life so cruel?” he sobs

“He is my brother... We can help him, oppa. We always can. You have to be strong.” Jiwon says, Kyuhyun’s shoulder.

 

 

Now it is so real for Kyuhyun, Siwon is in front of him with IV tube on his right wrist. It is so clear, the thing Siwon saw on his nightmare months ago.

That night Siwon cried himself awake in the middle of the night, sweating and gasping.

“Hyung, what’s wrong? Nightmare?”

Siwon didn’t answer he just nodded weakly. There is tear hanging on his eyes.

“Hey, no matter what it is, it won’t happen. It’s just a dream.” Kyuhyun shushed him.

“But it is so real.” his face is as if he just saw a ghost.

“No no no” Kyuhyun shakes his head “Come here” opening his arms welcoming Siwon in his warmth embrace. “Is it comfortable enough?”

Siwon nodded excitedly.

When Siwon starts to calm down, he speaks “Baby... promise me?”

“Promise what?”

“If one day, I turn into a monster, the most scariest monster you have ever imagined. No matter how hard it is, no matter how cruel I seem to be and no matter how impossible it is to tame me, please........just please...don’t ever stop loving me. Promise me?”

“What are you saying? Why are we talking about something like that in the middle of the night? You will never-“

“Please...just promise me. Just don’t stop loving me, promise?.”

“O-okay....I promise. But you will-“

“Ssh...” Siwon stops him “Whatever it is, your love is enough.”

Because love is enough to get everything done.

 

“Why are you crying?” Kyuhyun is snapped back to reality laying on the bed with his patient outfit starts talking to him.

“Uhm...no...nothing. You are awake? I will call the nurse.” while wiping away his tears.

“It came again.”

“What came again?”

“The memory. Last time it was in London... just now, it was in Hawaii. We were back from having a walk in the seashore, we walked slowly thinking that no one recognized our faces because it was a private island, but a fan saw us and started taking picture from a far. We walked in a rush to the hotel that day even though our clothes were still damp.”

“What are you talking about hyung?” he walks closer to the handsome figure.

“It came to me like a movie. No it was more than that. I could feel it. I could feel your skin on mine” He reaches his hand to touch Kyuhyun. “I could smell your scent. It was so real, Kyuhyun”

Stuttering, Kyuhyun says “I am going to call the doctor, okay?”

 

 

TBC

regards,

Serena H