I am having the mood XD

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Kyuhyun tells himself all the way from Siwon’s apartment to the dorm, he won’t give up; he won’t let the memory loss taking Siwon away from him forever. He will do anything to make Siwon realizes how much he loved Kyuhyun, and how much Kyuhyun misses Siwon to love Kyuhyun again

The next day, Kyuhyun visits Siwon again, plastering sweet smile as if he wasn’t kicked out the other day by the same person he tries to take care today. Kyuhyun is thankful that Siwon doesn’t decide to throw him out as soon as he sees his face on the entrance.

“What are you doing here?” his words are blazing cold.

“I bought you your favorite foods” he echoes gleefully despite the stiff face Siwon presents him.

Kyuhyun suppresses his own awkwardness by taking out the foods from the plastic bag and placing them out on the table, but Siwon doesn’t move an inch from his spot. He is staring at him rather annoyed.

“Aren’t you hungry? Come over here? I specially ordered the topping to your liking.” Smile never leaves his lips.

Siwon is still staring, something inside him is feeling excited, it’s either because he is hungry or ...he doesn’t know why.

“Come on...” Kyuhyun pulls his wrist, as soon as their hands touch, Siwon takes his hand back as if Kyuhyun’s palm is made of hot steel and he just can’t touch him. Kyuhyun still smiling, he doesn’t mind this kind of treatment as long as Siwon will finally remember him and come back to him.

Siwon sits on the chair across to Kyuhyun; he is staring at the foods served in front of him. Then the bell rings.

Siwon rises from his seat and opens the door for the uninvited guest who happens to be Siwon’s girlfriend, was.

“Sorry, I am late, honey. Are you hungry?” she jingles to the dining table and meets Kyuhyun sitting there. She looks back at Siwon questioningly.

“It’s okay babe. What did you buy me?” Siwon says seems interested, he places what Stella bought on the table and moves Kyuhyun’s aside.

Stella is overly rejoiced to know that Siwon is choosing hers over Kyuhyun’s, so she plays her role.

“I bought soybean spaghetti for you. You might like it” then she sits beside Siwon as if Kyuhyun completely invisible for them.

“Wait.” Kyuhyun speaks when Siwon is about to take a full mouth spoon of the food Stella served. “You are allergic to that. You can’t eat soybean.”

Siwon turns to look at Stella “I don’t know that you are allergic to it oppa?”

“I am fine eating this.”

“No, hyung. You can’t.” but Siwon is so stubborn, he proves Kyuhyun wrong by eating it eagerly.

“See? I am fine. It looks like you don’t know everything, Kyuhyun-ah.”

“But...”Kyuhyun runs to the kitchen and takes some ice block from the fridge, he rolls them on a napkin.

“What are you doing Kyuhyun-ssi?” Stella says

It’s not even five minutes before Siwon coughs badly, causing his face to rather blushing.

“What’s happening?” Stella is shocked. “What’s wrong?”

Kyuhyun comes closer and put the napkin on the crook of Siwon’s neck, it’s calming him a little. When Siwon feels a bit better, he pushes Kyuhyun’s hand away from massaging his face with the napkin.

He casts down his eyes and says “Hold it here” to Stella.

“Because of his regular medication during his injured leg recovery, he is allergic to food with soy.” Kyuhyun says while taking the foods he bought to the kitchen with Stella still taking care of Siwon.

He brings back a glass of water and puts it on the table “Hyung will feel better after thirty minutes or so, just keep pressing the ice to his neck and his face.”

None of them is answering Kyuhyun. He sighs.

“I shall take my leave then.” Kyuhyun mutters.

***

“Hyung...I bought you these” He shows up with a folder of papers in Siwon’s apartment.

“What are those?”

“I supposed you forget all the lyrics from our recent albums, so managers ask me to give you these and make sure you memorize them all.”

Siwon looks flustered with the piled up songs he needs to memorize.

“It’s not difficult, I will help you.” He is beaming again and Siwon just doesn’t understand why it makes his stomach feels weird every single time that child-like smile appears.

Siwon clears his throat, trying to be stern as usual “I can memorize this alone. I have all the songs in my phone already.”

“You got your phone back?” His phone is one of the most reliable evidence of them dating; videos, photos, messages were stored in that phone.

“Stella bought it for me.”

“Where’s the old one?”

Siwon just shrugs his shoulders. He is lying of course, the phone is somewhere in his room inside a plastic bag along with other stuffs found in the car when the accident happened. He never opens the plastic bag after the stuffs returned by the police.

“It’s okay. We still can re-make those memories.” He grins.

“If you got nothing else to do, please leave.”

“I told you I will help you.” He pouts.

“I am fine. Just leave please. You are just ruining my concentration.”

“Are you nervous when I am around?” Kyuhyun teases.

Siwon smirks “You wish.”

“What are you saying...” he mumbles “Hyung...” he calls out softly. This usually made Siwon all fuzzy and gave up as soon as possible; Kyuhyun always got what he wanted every time he used this sort of aegyo; every time.

He moves closer to Siwon till his lips almost touch Siwon’s ear. Siwon stays still; he could feel Kyuhyun’s breath in his ear.

“What are you doing?” He pushes Kyuhyun away till he stumbles on the floor.

“Hyung, it hurts” he pouts but he is not mad. Because he wishes to get Siwon back and he knows his effort won’t be futile. They say memories might fade but the body remembers the warmth and the touches.

Siwon turns back to the lyrics he was memorizing.

“Hyung...” Siwon doesn’t bother to look at him. “Hy—uungg” he says desperately and sighs. Finally Siwon looks up, that is when Siwon realizes that Kyuhyun has taken off his top and about to his own pants.

“What the hell you are doing?” Siwon yells.

“Please....let me remind you my love hyung...” Kyuhyun runs his fingers through the fabric of Siwon’s t-shirt, Siwon is too shocked to process what is Kyuhyun doing when he snaps back from reality; Kyuhyun is already on his laps straddles him, hands on his cheeks and their lips are dancing together.

How long has it been happening? Siwon thought. How can I easily be carried away by Kyuhyun’s action or why am I enjoying it?

There’s a loud thud followed by a long silence in the room. Each of them could only listen to their heartbeat even though they are only two meters away, but for Kyuhyun it feels like one million miles away. Siwon is in front of him but he isn’t in front of him.

Kyuhyun is laying on the floor, with half of his pants rolling down up to his knees, his hands are trembling, and he can feel his back is in pain because it meets the cold marble rather strongly.

Siwon is on his heels, having a look Kyuhyun never imagine would be directed to him; angry, disappointed, annoyed and disgusted.

Disgusting. I am disgusting to him.

“Don’t involve me on your dirty game Kyuhyun. I am not like you and I will never be.”

Siwon walks fast to his bedroom with a loud bang on the door, leaving Kyuhyun with his everything scatters on the floor, his tears, his pride, his love... and his life.

If Kyuhyun doesn’t set the dorm’s address on his home map in the car, he will end up circling the country till the morning for sure. His hands clutch the steer wheel tightly, eyes staring far away. He is spent, his tears keep rolling down his cheeks, the old one, the new one, and both leave stain on his face. He has been sitting in the car for an hour with the engine still on at the dorm’s basement. It is when someone knocks the window of his car that he is finally back to reality.

“What are you doing here? Come inside!” Eunhyuk says a bit yelling because it seems like Kyuhyun doesn’t hear a sound, it’s like he is diving in the depth of water with everything is muted.

Eunhyuk knows.

No one can get Kyuhyun to speak up about what happened that night, not even Changmin. And it has been a week that Kyuhyun living like his soul is snatched away from him rudely.

“You don’t have to go to practice if you are not feeling well.” Leteeuk says when members tell him to stop Kyuhyun from forcing himself to work in that kind of state.

“I am alright, hyung.” He always says that, a lie of course.

“The most terrifying thing of life is pretending that you are alright when you are clearly not.”

“If it’s the only thing that make me stay alive...” He mumbles.

The members decide to let Kyuhyun do what he wants; from the sides they make sure that Kyuhyun isn’t hurting, at least physically.

Two weeks after the incident, Kyuhyun is feeling better, not actually better, it is just he is getting used to the dull pain inside his chest, he copes it.

“Kyuhyun-ssi.” A girl voice calls out in the middle of the hallway to the dorm. It’s her. “Can we talk?”

Kyuhyun should reject her, but he doesn’t. There is a tiny place in his heart wanting to make everything back to its place and Stella is one of the things in the wrong place.

“It’s getting bored.” She says while sipping her green-tea in one of the cafe near the dorm “It’s not a winning when there is no competition.”

“What do you mean?”

“Siwon is head over heels in love with me.” She smirks “It’s not interesting anymore. I will be back to the state.”

“What are you saying?”

“When I heard he lost his memory, I thought of giving some lesson to a person who took him away from me.”

“I didn’t take him away from anyone.”

“Really?” she snorts

“I don’t care of what you think of me, but I never take him away from you or anyone. You left him, remember?”

“Don’t play innocent.” She sighs “Well, it’s over now. You can have him all you want, if he ever let you...” she chuckles.

If Kyuhyun doesn’t get mad, it’s not because he agreed to what she says, it is just he doesn’t want to tempt Stella to keep going with her game. It will be easier without Stella around.

Despite the rudeness he got the other day on Siwon’s apartment, his heart still wants to patch up everything back, so he can show Siwon that he has it, he is feeling it; but it seems too difficult now because Siwon tries to avoid him as much as possible.

“Hyung...” he calls out, usually Siwon will ignore Kyuhyun, but today he halts and turns around.

Kyuhyun is surprised that his effort is getting through.

“Can we talk for a while?” Siwon the first to speak.

“Ah. Yes, of course.” Kyuhyun smiles, a wistful thought of finally having proper talk with Siwon excites him.

They sat across each other on a place, used to be one of their favorites. Siwon looks calm, but his eyes telling Kyuhyun that what he would say is not the one Kyuhyun expected, it causes a weird feeling on his guts.

“I am sorry about that night. I shouldn’t have treated you that bad. I should have known no matter what I believe and what I remember now, it is nothing compare to those memories you hold on your mind.”

Listening to Siwon’s words makes Kyuhyun feel warm inside.

“No matter how much I try to deny that it ever happened, it won’t abolish the fact that they were happened. But... as much as I want to put myself in that state again, I can’t, I just can’t. My mind tells me it is impossible, I don’t want to go back to those things I never remember did.”

Kyuhyun gasps, it feels the world is swirling around and he feels dizzy, his mind becomes fuzzy and the layer of tear blocking his eyes from seeing Siwon’s face clearly.

“You are my brother, I love you. I don’t want to see you hurting yourself by loving me this way. I don’t want to be the cause of your sorrow. Please stop loving me for I never know when I will ever get those memories, and even though I got them, I am not sure if I can be the same Siwon you knew before. Just.....”

Siwon sighs heavily.

“Kyuhyun....please don’t hurt yourself. I beg you.”

“I won’t.” Kyuhyun says letting the first drop wetting his face. “You can kick me out, you can hate me, you can treat me rudely, avoid me, ignore me, make me invisible. But this love... I will never throw it away; I will never stop loving you.... Even though if it’s killing me, because this love is the only thing that keeps reminding me there was you who loved me so much, who ever made me the happiest person on earth.”

TBC

regards,

Serena H