You never want to love someone. The emotion latches onto whoever it pleases without consent, warning or a decent hello. It sticks on your back, under your foot, behind your ear. In plain sight to everyone else other than its host. Anyone who claims it’s a pleasant experience is lying- don’t trust them or pity them for not knowing the truth. Love hurts, in every sense of the statement. It causes all other feelings whether positive or negative to be heightened to the point of pain, physically and mentally. Us humans are quite masochistic beings and crave this experience; some crave it all their lives only to be disappointed when they fall into the trap with someone they didn’t want to. Love doesn’t give you a choice. So I’ll change my initial statement. You want to love someone. You never get to choose that someone. And that’s where my problem starts. I never chose to love him, I just do.

I closed notes on my phone- I really should not be up this early it makes me philosophical. I hate philosophical people, they always cause problems. I fidgeted against the restriction of the safety belt, why weren’t these vehicles made for comfort if they were built for long journeys? I looked to the side to see Baekhyun yapping in his sleep again, it had been an hour since we left school grounds and he was sleeping like we didn’t drag ourselves out of bed at 4 in the morning. The coach was silent other than soft snores and yapping- everyone probably resumed their sleep once seated. I couldn’t, I never had been able to, once I’m awake- I’m awake for good. I rolled my eyes and looked out the window. The sun had yet to show itself leaving the landscape painted with the dull blue/grey hue of morning; a light fog hovered above the ground dampening the air. It had a beauty to it that I tried to appreciate as much as I could at 5 o’clock; I decided to take a picture for good measure promising myself that I would appreciate it properly later. Placing my phone back in my lap I cursed myself for forgetting my headphones, there was no distractions, the scenery was empty vacant fields and Baekhyun’s yapping had stopped. I could have drowned my thoughts in music if I remembered my headphones. I sighed. Thinking about not thinking about it, just made me think about it. Okay let’s not even talk about that sentence but it’s true I’m thinking about it. Jongin… It wasn’t anything specific I was thinking about, his name was enough to stab my soul. I felt sick like I always did when I thought about him. And I always thought about him. It had gotten to the point where I was no longer living, I just followed routine- procedure, things society expected of me. I hadn’t lost him, we didn’t break up (like we’d ever actually be together) in fact he is currently three rows behind me sleeping with his mouth open. I don’t deny that I love him, I’m oh too aware of that, no. I’m like this because I can’t love him. I shouldn’t. It’s not right or fair. He wouldn’t want someone like me loving him; he doesn’t need someone like me loving him. I can’t love him. And it hurts. It hurts so much.

“Kyungsoo.” I turned at the sound of my name. Baekhyun was still sleeping, I rolled my eyes again and remembered his habit of talking in his sleep, good thing no one’s awake he tends to say stupid stuff. “Your eyes are way too big for a guy.” Point proven, I smirked inwardly but he was right, my eyes were way too big for a guy, they wanted things they couldn’t have. They wanted him.

About an hour and a half later people started to wake up including Baekhyun, I don’t know why I was complaining about him being asleep earlier cause now that’s all I could wish for- that or I Vulcan death grip him and he can finally meet Spock in la la land. During my self-pity session I had conveniently forgot the problem Baekhyun had with shutting up. I can’t even ignore him or he’ll start poking me, again. Some part of my subconscious silently thanked Baekhyun, the last two and a half hours had been a personally constructed hell. My conscious however was too busy teasing him about the eyeliner I had found in his backpack.

“It’s guy liner for your information” he huffed and folded his arms “and its gonna get me laid by the end of this stupid camp, unlike someone I know.”

I scoffed. “Why would girls want to see something that’s made for their gender on the likes of you?”

He turned to the side so he could face me full on, what I can only describe as sass rippled across his lips. Oh no. I watched as he took a deep breath and I literally felt a lecture coming on.  

“Because my deluded owl” I glared as he took another jab at my abnormally large eyes, this time awake. “It’s the trend nowadays, girls don’t care about manliness or muscle anymore it’s all about fashion and style. You gotta be in the know or they won’t even take a second look at you. Eyeliners the new in thing, it adds mystery, excitement and frankly brings out my eyes. You’re already at a disadvantage with your non-existent shoulders, join us. Join the eyeliner! For we shall conquer-”

I stopped listening after that sensing the conversation had taken a ridiculous turn. I returned to gazing out the window, vaguely hearing Baekhyun preaching to the people in front of us about the wonders of “guy-liner”, the sun had rose and everything now held a warm yellow tone. It was summer; we were all going to a summer camp. Why? Because it was mandatory and the school thought it would be a ‘fun bonding experience’.  I honestly wonder sometimes if teachers are paid to teach or torture. Our whole year is on its way to a place in the countryside to do team building activities for four weeks. Fantastic right? I wasn’t that bothered by the whole ordeal, I was planning spending my summer lounging about anyway but I thought I would at least get a break from him. I wouldn’t have to see him every day, I looked forward to it for months. But of course the educational system cares about us and decided to ruin my hopes and dreams.

“Yah! Are you even listening?” I heard Baekhyun shriek, I decided to mess with him, time for the old innocent act.

“I’m sorry what?” I said, widening my eyes trying to look sincere-

It didn’t work. Within seconds Baekhyun’s face was red, his eyes ignited and I swear I could see steam coming out of his ears.

“You little!” He screamed in outrage. He attacked and thus a poking war was birthed. People around us must have thought we were crazy. Hell I think we’re crazy, but the good kind. I was soon in fits of laughter and Baekhyun occupied my thoughts for the rest of the journey which is quite impressive since it was another three hours ‘til we reached our destination. Huh, he’s so annoying… but a good friend. Not like I’m ever gonna tell him that though, he can suffer! The coach lurched to a stop and the dread from earlier resettled in my stomach. I sighed and helped a frantic Baekhyun gather up his things then did the same with my own. I followed him out of the coach and took in the reality of the weeks to come. This was gonna be a long summer.

I sat alone in our cabin bored out of my mind, Baekhyun had gone out with some guy to somewhere- I wasn’t really listening- and I was left alone. When we got off the coach we were told that we would be paired up and put into cabins, I guess one of the good things about Baekhyun’s loudness was that all the teachers knew not to separate us. We got our key from our appointed teacher, found the cabin after a lot of walking around and shouting at each other, unpacked and now I’m sat alone because Baekhyun decided to be social. I sighed. I had other people I could hang out with, actually that I probably should go hang out with because I haven’t spoken to them in a few days but I wasn’t in the mood to go find them, or pretend to care what they were saying- wow I’m horrible but its true- so I decided to do what I had originally planned for the summer. Nothing. The cabin wasn’t too bad, it was actually quite nice. One or two cobwebs in the corners but overall not too bad, we had a kitchen a little lounge (that was really just a couch and a window) a shower room and a bedroom which had two single beds and a wardrobe big enough to share; there was even Wi-Fi. As you probably guessed our school is quite… ‘well-off’. I wouldn’t say rich because it wasn’t, rich people did attend but not only rich kids…it’s hard to explain…let’s just call it prestigious. That’s how it could afford to ‘house’ the students rather than the traditional ‘bring your tents, lets go sleep on the ground!’ accommodation that most schools opted for. The only complaint I had was that the toilets were outside, yea, they installed a shower room but put the toilets outside- go figure! Talking of toilets I felt nature calling, I slowly stood up and made my way out of my new ‘home’ and locked it behind me sniggering at the thought of Baekhyun coming back and not being able to get in, I could almost see him yelling and banging on the door like a locked out puppy left in the rain, I laughed again this time outwardly. I expected it to stop but it didn’t the scene I had imagined kept replaying in my head, I was clutching my stomach having to stop walking and lean against a tree to support myself because water blurred my vision. My laughing soon turned into coughs as I fought for air, tears streamed down my cheeks and I attempted to calm myself to no avail.

“Are you okay?”

I froze. The previous moments humour died in my throat. I stopped coughing and turned to look at the one person I really did/did not want to see. Jongin. Of course its him, I totally forgot life hated me. I peered up at him and saw his lips moving, damn I should really concentrate on what he’s saying, maybe if I stop looking at his lips I would… Dammit Kyungsoo focus!

“What?” I blurted out, cutting off whatever he was saying.

His eyebrows creased a bit “I was seeing if you were okay, you looked like you were chocking or something...” he trailed off.

“Nope, I was just laughing a little too hard” Okay we finally managed to say a sentence, I said to myself, now if you stopped staring and blinked we might actually seem human.

“Oh, okay, well I was just goin’ to meet up with Sehun and the rest wanna come?” He said pointing his thumb in the direction he was going.

“Err…. Maybe later.” I replied leaving out the part where my bladder was about to burst and thanked all the heavens that the toilets were in the opposite direction of where he was pointing.

“‘Kay catch yah later.” And with that he finally left. I breathed for what seemed like the first time since he arrived and scuttled off to the bathroom.

I wasn’t surprised when he asked me to go join him and the others because we’re all in the same group, well ‘friend’ group. We all hang out together, hence what I meant about wanting to get away from Jongin- I practically see him every day. Wiping my hands on a towel I exited the toilets, debating whether I was going to join them or go back to the cabin. Jongin would be there… but the cabin had Wi-Fi. That settled it, nothing beats Wi-Fi. I took a leisurely stroll back to the cabin, taking in the fresh air and appreciating the scenery more than I could this morning; it was beautiful no one could argue with that. A smile settled on my lips as I felt the sun wrap around me, it was a good day. I was almost at the cabin when I heard-

 “KYUNGSOO!” My smile was replaced with a smirk. Maybe I will go hang out with Sehun and the rest for a while. I my heel and made my way to where Jongin pointed to before. Baekhyun’s shrieks gradually getting quieter in the distance. Definitely a locked out puppy, all we need now is rain.