MORNING COFFEE
Morning Coffee
Sometimes I wonder what will happen to me if ever I had never met you. Sometimes I think of the possibilities of what am I doing, what am I thinking, or who I am if I had never met you. Then I realize... I will be nothing. I will just be that someone people will never see. I’ll be that person who never realize how everyday is not just any other day, that everyday has always a reason to live. That God always has a plan for me. Plan for me to be happy. But... Letting you go. Is it part of His plan too?
June 27, 2013..
I woke up next to you. Your innocent face, your dazzling figure, your steady breathing. Everything just looks so perfect. Waking up early in the morning with you by my side isn’t bad. This is one of the mornings I love. Well, my every morning has been the best ever since I met you because it only means that I have another day to see, to hear, and to love you.
I smiled at your sleeping figure and gently caressed your beautiful face. You’ve always been whining a lot about your face, you always said that you’re ugly when you look at the mirror and pout or glare at your own reflection whenever your eyes catch the sight of those ‘intruders’ as how you call it on your face. How you’re eyebrows will crease when you look in the full-length mirror and groan about you being fat and then you’ll eat non-stop after that. You don’t know how much I love seeing you like that. You look so cute, So adorable. So innocent. So simple. And that’s why I fall in love with you more and more. I don’t care if you have many pimples. I don’t care of your face is bloated. I don’t care if your eyes are so dark and call yourself a panda because of lack of sleep. I don’t care if your hair is always messy. I don’t care if you get fat. Because the real you is the one I love. The one that I adore and I hope I can tell you that whenever you ask me why I court you and love you.
You stirred in your sleep and I pulled back my hand, hoping that I did not interrupt your beauty sleep. I wonder what's your dream. Are you dreaming about me? Are you dreaming about us? Because me, ever since the day I met you I've been dreaming about you every single night. They said that you'll only remember only a portion of your dream, but I really don't believe them because every single detail in my dream, as long as it's about you, I remember it. Even if I am not asleep, I kept on dreaming about you and how we will be in the future. You opened your eyes and smiled sleepily. Oh the joys of seeing that smile in the morning. It is so sweet. Your first smile in the morning is better than drinking my morning cup of coffee.
“Good morning, Jinnie oppa!” you greeted while smiling and me, being the love struck guy, stared at you. We’ve been with each other for 4 years and yet me and myself just can’t get used to you. How do I always get mesmerized by you? You pouted at me.
“Good morning.” I smiled back. You smiled wider and sat up. I want to cuddle with you more. I want to be with you more. Why did you sit up?
“Come on lazy ! Let’s brush our teeth!” You playfully kicked me and ran inside the bathroom. The way your hair followed your every move and the way you laughed when you ran away. How lucky am I to be with you? I followed you inside the bathroom and you gave me my toothbrush that has toothpaste on it. I always feel like a baby whenever I’m with you. You always take care of me. It’s as if you’re babysitting me. And I don’t know what to feel. I love it but I want to take care of you too. I stood near beside you and we looked at each other’s reflection on the mirror as we brushed our teeth thoroughly. These moments. I wish these simple moments last.
“Happy Birthday.” I whispered on your ears as you gasped and looked teary eyed at the necklace I gave you for your birthday. You turned around and kissed me lightly.
“Thank you.” You whispered gratefully. I wiped your tears away. Please don’t cry. I don’t want to see you cry.
“It’s tears of joy.” You said as if you read my mind. I looked at you and smiled reassuringly. Your smile. It’s so contagious.
“It’s a good thing we’ve brushed our teeth!” You said and kissed me again. You always have this hygiene issues. That we will not kiss in the morning unless we brush our teeth or we will not go to sleep not until we shower separately, of course. And I’m still awed at how you are so seductive and yet so demure at the same time. You said that you won’t give your ity away until you married the right guy. Not that I want to get between your knees, but i want to marry you and be with you for the rest of my life. Until the day that I die, I want to see your smile, your laugh, I want to love you and cherish you til death do us part.
“What do you want today?” I asked as i leaned my forehead unto yours. Our lips were inches away from each other and smiles were plastered on our lips.
“i just want to be with you that’s all.” You smiled again. You take away my breath, you know that? I wanted to tell you that. I wanted to tell you so many things and yet I don’t know why I can’t force myself to say it.
“And I don’t want to go out, your fans might see us and either hate me or hate you or hate both of us.” You shrugged and picked the necklace and handed it to me. These are the times that i want to quit being an artist. I want to be a simple person once again. I want to have privacy. I want to have a lovelife that people will not mind. I want to be happy. I know I should be thankful to all my fans but somehow, during these moments, I feel like I’m being strangled. I feel suffocated, even breathless. I feel imprisoned. Don’t i have the rights to be happy? Don’t I have the rights to be in a relationship? Don’t I have the rights to be with someone I love and someone I’m happy to be with?
“Please put it on me.” You said and turned around. You tossed your hair to one side and I slowly, with trembling fingers, and carefully wore the necklace around your neck. The tips of my fingers brushing against your skin. The smell of your hair intoxicating me. The butterflies in my stomach were getting really violent. I’m in-love you. deeply, madly in-love with you. I wish I can tell you that.
“It’s beautiful, Jaejinnie.” You said turning around while gazing at the necklace I gave you. You hugged me again and muttered thank you for the nth time.
August 5, 2013
We were inside the coffee shop near FNC. You were wearing a plain v-neck shirt, jeans, and the black converse we both have while I was wearing a fake eyeglass and a mask. You always insist on making me wear that because you said my fans might recognize me and hate you. Moreover you don’t want them to hate me.
You caught me looking at you while you were sipping your iced latte and offered it to me.
“You want?” You asked and I shook my head. You frowned when I declined.
“Is it still because of the iced latte gir-“ I saw your eyes widened and how your mouth formed o when I snatched the iced latte on your hand and took a sip on it. Please don’t talk about her. I’ve moved on. I am with you now. And i have no feelings for her anymore. It’s just you that I always see. The you that i always love. You narrowed your eyes at me but diverted it to the cheesecake in front of you and pushed it lightly to the center of the desk.
“Do you want?” You asked and bit your lips. You’re so adorable I want to pinch your cheeks. I really wanted to decline your offer since I know you’re famished and a slice of cheesecake and a cup of iced latte wasn’t enough for you but since I have very little time and since this was the nearest shop in my company you said these are all fine. Do you know how much I wanted to hug you for being so considerate and being so kind?
I took a small piece and you quickly shook your head and mouthed bigger. The bossy you was showing up again and I can’t help but fall under your spell and took a bigger amount and ate it. You nodded your head approvingly.
“Good! I know how you are so hungry right now. Babo! You should eat healthy meals, okay?” You scolded me once again and I have nothing else to do but nod my head. You always care for my health and my well-being but how about you? I know you don’t eat at the right time and sometimes you only get to eat once a day. You’ve told me that before. Remember the time when you went home famished and ate the entire content of the rice cooker? I wish you don’t only look at me. I wish you don’t only care for me. Please take care of yourself too. I hope I can take care of you.
“I really like you. Hey, do you want to go for a tea?” You smiled on your laptop screen as I rolled my eyes on you. You were watching our interview about new page again. I remembered the first time you watched that and bugged me all day if I really like you because I never said those things to you before. I never liked you. I love you. you know? So please, all of those thing were just for entertainment. I was told to say that, I am an artist and I aim to give entertainment and aim to please everyone, my boss, my fans, everyone. But being with you, being with someone that I love, makes me take out my mask and be myself. Be my usual shy and awkward and silly self.
“Yah stop watching it!” I closed your laptop and stole it away from you.
“Yaaaaaaaaaaaah~” you whined and childishly kicked your feet. You folded your arms leaning on the bed’s backrest and sulked. I put the laptop on my study desk and climbed on the bed, beside you. i leaned my head on your shoulders and felt you stiffened. I guess you were shock. This was my first time to do this right? I’ve wanted to do this for 4 years and I finally got the courage to do it. I wish I will be able to tell how much I feel for you. I hugged you when I felt you getting comfortable and you put your right hand on my right cheek and your left hand above my hand.
“Anything wrong?” You asked and turned your face to look at me. I looked back at you and smiled.
“Nothing.” You smiled happily. Your eyes were sparking. Are you that happy? I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be sweet to you. I feel so shy and coward to do it. Please be patient.
September 17, 2013
We were looking at each other. Your tears were threatening to fall. Your breath hitches and I know that you’re going to cry anytime now. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I can’t fight for you. I can’t find and sacrifice time to be with you. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I’m sorry.
“Is this it? Aren’t you going to say something?” You trembled. I wanted to go to you. I wanted to hug you so badly and whisper i’m sorry. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to wipe those tears threatening to fall.
You looked at me. Those eyes that looked at me so lovingly for so many times, those eyes that made me awestruck all the time, those eyes that made me hypnotized, those were the same eyes that were now looking at me with hatred. Oh my love. I’m so sorry. Don’t hate me. I love you so much.
“LEE.JAE.JIN.” You gritted and I know you’re mad. Really mad. I was just looking at you impassively. You don’t know how hard it was to keep these feelings away. you know how hard to show a poker face when I’m also hurting, breaking on the inside.
“After all these years, are you really just going to end it like this? Are we just really going to end it like this?” No. I don’t want to end it this way. Moreover, I don’t want to end this relationship. I love you. Your tears betrayed you and they fell on your soft and delicate cheeks. Oh baby. Please don’t cry.
“SPEAK UP!” You shouted at me. I flinched. This was the first time you ever shouted on me.
“You’ve been overseas for a month. You didn’t contact me. You didn’t tell me that you were going to be here last Monday. And now I’ll find out that you were dating someone else? Someone else for over a year?” You continued to sob. I’m sorry baby. I’m so so sorry. If only I can tell you how my boss told me to do this. If only I can tell you that this relationship was just a fake. If only I could tell you that these were all our company’s scheme. If I’ll think of it, I can tell you all of it. I wanted to tell you so badly but I can’t. Why am I being so coward at these moments? Why can’t I stand for myself and fight for you? fight for our love?
You gulped and harshly wiped your tears. Baby. Please don’t cry, It was all just a plan! it was all fake. Everything was fake except for my love for you. I hope I can tell you this.
“So you didn’t love me from the start huh?” I heard you muttered. No! I loved you and love you! I will be loving you until the day I die!
“From the beginning you weren’t like a boyfriend at all. You didn’t act sweet nor did you even treat me like a girlfriend? You spoke so little. I think I just kept my hopes up. I was just imagining things right from the start. Stupid me who didn’t realize everything and notice it just today.” I heard you whisper at yourself. Don’t think like that!
You looked at me. Those loving eyes which were looking at me with hatred were now looking so broken, so weak, so fragile.
“Shame on you Lee Jaejin. Shame on you.” Those were the last words you told me and pulled the necklace that I gave you on your birthday and threw it at me.
“Another song written for her?” Hongki hyung asked me and I simply stared at him impassively. He took a deep sigh and shook his head.
“I just don’t get it. Why did you even let go of her? Why did you let her run? Why did you let the company control you? You should’ve stand for yourself. You should’ve fight for her. You should’ve protected her.” He told me and left me inside our practice room alone. Yeah Jaejin. Why did you let her go? Why did you let her run? Why didn’t you fight for her? for your love? Of all the things she did and gave you, why did you do that?
Because you are a coward.
My subconscious finally answered me. Yes. I am a coward. And I hate to see her with her new boyfriend Kim Junhong. I don’t want to see her smiling nor laughing with him. I don’t want to see her with him. It should be me. That should be me. If only I fought for her.. If only I stood up for her..
If only I am not a coward, then my morning coffee would still be with me.
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