Dragging his feet across the spacious living room, the exhausted Youngmin looked like he hadn’t had any sleep for the past few days. His existing dark eye circles looked more obvious than they were before, and his high cheekbones stuck out even more from the slight loss of weight. The auburn-haired guy dropped his bag on the floor before collapsing on the nearest coach, like a robot whose battery had just run out. He let out a long sigh while untying his tie and threw it in random direction.

Blame it all on his latest shopping centre project that had just officially ended today. Being a renowned architect that he was, it was only normal for Youngmin to be engaged in so many projects at the same time, but this one was just tremendously energy-draining. He managed to finish the requested design just one day before the deadline, and got it approved this morning. They would begin the work soon, and that meant at least a week off for the poor young man.

Youngmin reached out for the remote control that was lying on the coffee table and turned the TV on out of habit rather than need. After absentmindedly flipping through the channels, he finally gave up and put down the controlling device. Yeah, this was good… He just needed some kind of background noise to fill up the otherwise eerily silent apartment, where he was the only tenant.

There used to be two people, of course. But after he and Kwangmin split up almost a year ago, this place no longer felt like home to him. The first few months were extremely torturing. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat—everything that he did just felt so wrong without his twin by his side. Coming home was no longer something that he looked forward to; it was just part of his dull daily routine. Maybe that’s the reason why Youngmin rather spent his time outside—indulging in the pile of paperwork to numb off his senses, to find a temporary remedy to his loneliness, to find an excuse not to come home to this hollowness.

Still, how much escape did they provide? Not much, really…

Every time he came home to this house that they shared for three years, all the memories just resurfaced effortlessly—the sweet, and of course, the bitter ones, too. Whenever he sat on the couch that was meant for two, he missed the feeling of Kwangmin’s arm around his shoulder. Whenever he wake up in the morning and rolled to his side, just to find the other half of the bed empty and cold, he felt the pang inside his heart so real. Every time he saw the matching cups and toothbrushes by the sink, he had to bit his lips until they bled. No more smell of warm coffee greeting him in the morning, no more goodnight kisses and cuddles. No more gentle pats on the head, nor loving arms around his waist. No more Kwangmin.

How they ended up this way, Youngmin had no idea… Everything was perfect at first. They were each other’s first love—they shared their first kiss, their first . They gave their hearts away in exchange for the other’s, just to have it broken in return. And where did they go from there? Or rather, where should Youngmin go from there? Kwangmin had determinedly left him to pursue his music career, and rumour had it that he was already with someone now. Yes, an undeniably beautiful girl who collaborated with him for their latest single. While Youngmin? Work had been his favourite form of escapism—even just for a few hours, if that could help him to get his mind off his twin, he would do it for sure.

The successful architect had learnt the hard way that first love didn’t always end up happily ever after like in fairy-tales. Sure, he wasn’t a princess and Kwangmin wasn’t a prince to begin with. In fact, their love story would be the most taboo of all, with them being twin brothers and all. But love is still love despite the circumstances, right? And he was happy they both chose to be true to who they were and how they felt about each other. Still, it didn’t work out in the end. Still, it broke Youngmin’s heart into pieces.

A soft sigh once again escaped the brown-haired guy’s lips. It has been eleven freaking months, Youngmin thought to himself. Why do I still feel this way? They say time heals all wounds, but it feels like the time in my world froze the minute he walked away. He closed his eyes, letting his exhausted mind drift back to the past…

Feeling the soft tickle on his face, Youngmin reluctantly woke up from his sleep. “Good morning, baby! Happy anniversary,” Kwangmin whispered sweetly into his twin’s ears, earning a wide grin from the older boy. Despite his drowsiness, Youngmin reached out his hands to cup Kwangmin’s face and pulled him close. “Happy anniversary, Kwangmin,” he said before pecking those plump red lips. Yes, today marked exactly one year since the two of them got together. The road to where they were had been rough; both twins had to struggle to hide and deny their forbidden feelings for each other for most part of their teenage years. Even after they finally got together, oppositions kept coming from their disapproving family and friends. But of course, they didn’t give up. Their love was stronger than anything else in the world… or so did they think.

“I’ve prepared a special breakfast for us,” Kwangmin said while playing with his twin’s soft hair, that was still dyed blonde at that time. “After breakfast, maybe we can go for a date or something. Today is our day off, after all.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Youngmin agreed. He put his head on the younger twin’s chest, carefully listening to that comforting heartbeat that was almost as familiar as his own.

“How was your sleep?” Kwangmin asked.

Youngmin let out a sigh and hugged his twin tighter. The tone in his voice suddenly changed, which didn’t go unnoticed by Kwangmin. “…I had a terrible nightmare,” he confessed.

“Huh? What kind of nightmare?”

The older among the two bit his lips, not wanting to remember any part of the horrible dream he had last night. “You left me in my dream,” he said reluctantly.

He could feel Kwangmin’s body stiffened up. “Why would I leave you, Youngmin?”

Youngmin shook his head. “I don’t know… We argued about something, and you got really angry. The next thing that I knew, you were in the airport, leaving somewhere. But no matter how much I cried or begged you to stay, you wouldn’t even turn away.” By the time he finished his sentence, Youngmin was already on the verge of crying. He could still feel his chest tightened in pain at the vivid images from last night’s dream.

It was Kwangmin’s turn to sigh. He turned Youngmin’s body around so the blonde was facing him. “Listen, Youngmin… It was just a dream, okay?” he softly said while looking deep into his twin’s eyes, trying to convince the troubled boy. “I swear that no matter what happens, I will never, ever, leave you… I love you so much, Youngmin. You should know that better than anyone else. I don’t know what lies ahead of us, but we’ll always fight for our love, and I’ll never give up on us, okay? Do you believe me?”

How could Youngmin not believe his twin? It was Kwangmin, his own twin brother, the love of his life… Why would he doubt his words? “Of course I believe you, Kwangmin,” said the blonde. “I’m just scared that you’ll leave me one day, because I love you so much… I can never imagine my life without you.”

“Neither do I, Youngmin,” said the brunette before capturing his twin’s lips in a passionate kiss.

A few years had passed since Kwangmin made that promise. Everything seemed like a dream to Youngmin now—a distant event that was hidden somewhere deep inside his memory. He couldn’t really blame Kwangmin for leaving; they both made the decision to break up. Yes, it wasn’t Kwangmin’s fault alone. Both twins refused to fight for their love. It was hard, it was tough… They had tried their best to work it out, but to no avail. Giving up seemed to be the only option left. Not that they didn’t love each other anymore… It’s just that maybe going their separate ways was better, not just for themselves, but for the other person as well.

Ever since that day, they had stopped contacting each other. No text messages, no phone calls at all. They both found it easier that way. Youngmin still the TV to keep up with latest news about Kwangmin from time to time, or bought magazines in which his twin was featured. At first, it hurt him to do so, but he realized that it hurt him even more not to know how his twin was doing. At least he knew that Kwangmin was doing well. He had a great career, thousands of supportive friends, and a loving girlfriend. That fact alone brought some kind of comfort for Youngmin, who found himself couldn’t stop caring, even after all this time…

Youngmin was still lost in his thought when he heard the door being unlocked. He immediately snapped his eyes open, not expecting a visitor at this hour—especially not one who knew the passcode to his apartment. He stood up and turned around to see the intruder, but was even taken aback to find out that it was none other than a guy who shared his looks. It was his twin.

Kwangmin had an equally surprised look plastered across his face. “I-I thought you would have changed the passcode,” he stammered a little, referring to their anniversary date.

Youngmin opened his mouth, but no words came out, not even a tiny voice. “…Why are you here?” he finally said, after regaining his senses back.

Kwangmin looked exactly the way he looked on the television. Stunningly handsome. Breath-taking as ever. The twins hadn’t seen each other for so long, and it felt so surreal to be standing before each other’s eyes once again. Youngmin noticed that Kwangmin looked better with his deep burgundy hair—it gave him a somewhat manlier aura. It seemed like the younger twin had been working out a lot, or maybe it was just the growth hormone… His shoulders looked broader than before, and he could see slightly visible biceps hidden beneath the rather tight fabric of his sweater.   

“Aren’t you supposed to be in Japan?” Youngmin asked again, unable to hide his surprise.

“I just came back tonight.” Kwangmin looked as if he wasn’t sure what to say next. “…I came here because I wanted to see you,” he finally said.

Youngmin stared at the ground, trying to avoid his twin’s examining gaze. He didn’t know what to say, either. “…Please leave.”

Kwangmin had expected this sort of response, but still, he was startled by his twin’s cold and firm tone. “C-can I stay at least for a while?” he asked, sounding desperate and tired.

Youngmin bit his lips, trying hard to suppress the emerging wave of emotions. “No, please just leave…”

“Seriously, Youngmin? After all this time, I’m not allowed even to just see you?” Kwangmin had to fight back the urge to pull his twin brother into his arms.

“What’s the point, Kwangmin?!” Youngmin snapped at his twin. “What’s the point of coming back to see me, if you know that it will only hurt me?”

“I’m sorry if you’re hurting, but I miss you…!” Kwangmin replied without thinking much, leaving Youngmin in shock. The younger boy took a step closer to his twin. “I really miss you, Youngmin… It’s been almost a year and I still can’t get over you. I feel so stupid for missing you, for crying over you… I really hate myself for hurting you, for leaving you… But I hate myself even more because I love you, and there’s nothing I can do about it!”

Tears that had filled the rim of Youngmin’s eyes finally began to fall. He didn’t expect to see his twin again, let alone to hear him say all these things. Deep inside, he was tormented between running into Kwangmin’s arms and pushing him away from his life, for good. He didn’t know whether he should believe his twin’s words.

“It’s a choice that you made, Kwangmin,” Youngmin began sobbing, unable to control his feelings anymore. “Don’t be so selfish and come and go as you wish! You don’t know what I’ve been through… All those sleepless nights… Wishing you were here by my side, when you’re busy with someone else… You don’t know what it feels like.”

Kwangmin felt his chest tightened in pain upon hearing his twin’s honest revelation… Youngmin had been hurting and he was the reason behind it all… Without sparing a second thought, he wrapped his arms around the crying guy and pulled him into his embrace. “I do,” he said while resting his head on Youngmin’s shaking shoulder. “I know exactly what it feels like, because I went through the same thing, Youngmin… I miss you every single day, so much that I thought I’d go crazy.”

Youngmin tried to push Kwangmin away, but the younger wouldn’t move. Instead, he tightened his arms around his brother’s waist. “Please don’t ask me to leave, Youngmin… Please let me stay, just for tonight… Just one night. Please.”

Youngmin’s heart broke into pieces. Kwangmin had never sounded so desperate before. He didn’t know what his twin had been through all this time. He had always assumed that Kwangmin had no problem moving on and enjoyed his life, with the fame and all that, but maybe he was wrong… Maybe it wasn’t as simple as what’s reported in the news. Kwangmin must had had his own struggles, too.

After trying to break free from his twin’s embrace to no avail, Youngmin finally gave up and let Kwangmin held him there. The feeling of Kwangmin’s arms around his waist reminded him of the past—it was as if nothing had ever changed. The feeling was uncomfortably familiar for both of them. He still memorized every curves and edges, the feeling of his skin against his twin’s skin… The older among them took a deep breath and savoured the familiar scent of his twin, only this time with a hint of woman’s perfume. Youngmin’s heart was beating loud inside his chest, hitting against his ribcage. This couldn’t be real.

Kwangmin, on the other hand, felt like the world that he once knew suddenly fell back into place. It felt like he was holding his breath all this time, and finally he could breathe again. Like fresh oxygen was being pumped into his lungs, and his heart finally started to beat again. The clock that was once stopped finally started ticking again.

If their love was wrong, why did it feel so right?

“I love you, Youngmin,” Kwangmin whispered as droplets of tears fell down on his cheeks. When he heard no reply from his twin, the rapper asked again, “Why didn’t you say anything?” He felt so frustrated that Youngmin refused to open up about his feelings. It felt like he was the only one who was missing Youngmin, the only one who was still deeply and irrevocably in love with the other boy. “Why didn’t you say that you love me back?”

“…Does it even matter now?” Youngmin replied softly while draping his arms around his twin’s neck. “You’re with someone else now. There’s no way we’re getting back together. Does it matter now how I feel about you?”

Those words came like a slap on the face for Kwangmin. Yes, he was with someone else now, but did he really love her? He knew that there was no way they were getting back together, but was it really not possible? A barrage of mixed emotions hit him hard—guilt, sorrow, anger, frustration. Kwangmin didn’t know what he really wanted and why he said those words to Youngmin… But he didn’t want to let go either, not when having his twin back in his arms felt so good. Not when he finally felt whole again.

“I love you, Youngmin,” the younger twin declared again, this time without expecting any answer. He stared deep into those brown orbs of his other half, trying to look through his soul, before inching his face closer and pressing their lips together.

Youngmin’s heart stopped beating for a split second as he felt Kwangmin’s lips against his. He was hesitating for a moment, but all those thoughts and doubts evaporated away as the younger twin began moving his lips in a needy way. Youngmin could tell Kwangmin one hundred reasons why they shouldn’t be together, but his body couldn’t deny the pleasure that he had been longing for all this time. So without hesitating any longer, Youngmin responded by kissing him back passionately.

“I love you, too, Kwangmin,” he said in between their kisses, gasping for air. “I’ve always loved you…”

Youngmin knew it was a huge mistake. He knew he was going to wake up alone the next morning, feeling like there was a big gaping hole in his heart after Kwangmin left. He knew he shouldn’t have let Kwangmin stay, let alone kiss him like this. He knew very well the consequences of his action, and how it would lead him to an even more torturous life than before.

But, still, it was worth every second… Youngmin couldn’t care less about Kwangmin’s girlfriend, or about tomorrow, or how their relationship would change from tonight onwards. All that he cared about was this moment. Kissing Kwangmin like this, having his twin’s body pressed against his, arms around him, was worth all the pain.

If I can’t have all of you, just a little bit will be enough… Yeah, just a little longer, I’ll let you stay like this.

Hi everybody!

I know it has been ages since I last posted a story...

I feel so, so terribly guilty >.<

Many things have happened in the past 2 years, and for some reason I just found it difficult to write again...

Oh well.

I don't even know if my regular readers are still around (so if you are, please give me a shoutout!)

I miss all of you, honestly...

About this story, I'm sorry if this isn't as good as what you all expect from me.

As I said, I have just started writing again after so long, so please bear with me.

I initially wanted to write a short, fluffy oneshot, but it turned out to be angsty.

Actually the story was somewhat inspired by my personal experience.

I didn't mean to make Kwangmin so selfish (he sounds like a jerk here, I'm sorry).

But yeah, I just personally think that some guys are ridiculously selfish...

Have you ever been hurt by someone so bad that still can't forgive that person until now? :(

Anyway, enough with the lengthy closing, I wish to receive lots of love and constructive feedbacks! ^^