“Why? Why…”

 

“I-I don’t know. There just aren’t any words to express how I feel.”

 

“What do you mean! How can you not explain any of this? You can’t walk out of here like none of this ever happened. Like we never happened…”

 

“I’m unhappy, but it’s not that simple. Trust me, I wish it was that simple,” Kris ran his fingers through his hair with frustration. The anger and agitation in his voice became wrought with pain. “There’s too much to say and nothing will make it make sense.”

 

“At least try, please. If that is the last thing you do,” fear trembled with every syllable that flowed from your lips. “For me. Don’t I deserve that at least?”

 

The rain that splattered against the windows did nothing to ease the ache in your chest. It was as if the skies were mirroring your heart. You wanted this to be nothing more than a dream, but the pain made it all too real.

 

You fisted your hands at your side, attempting to show some sort of control in front of the man you had loved for the past two years. The cracks were crumbling now, and your world was opening its arms to the darkness. You felt your two fingers twitch with resentment. What could he be thinking? How did the two of you fall so far?

 

From where you stood, you saw Kris’ chest rise and fall with a deep sigh. You couldn’t face him after his admission earlier. It’d hurt too much. He was leaving. And yet, he couldn’t give you a definite reason as to why. But deep down, you knew. You were too afraid to admit it to yourself. The realization that all your fears had come to pass was making the pain harder to bear.  You thought that if you hid it deep enough, none of it would come to light and none of it would happen.

 

The subtle thump of your heart rang in your ears as you waited for his reply. You longed for the truth and yet, it was something you didn’t want to hear. “Please,” your voice quivered.

 

“I wish I could explain it to myself. When I think it over and over again everything just turns into a never ending argument,” he said as he moved to sit in the chair next to him. He leaned over and held his head in his hands. “I want to make you happy. I really do, but in turn, I’ll be making myself miserable. Slowly, ever so slowly, I’ve been resenting you and I don’t want to. I don’t want to hate you. I’d rather leave now while I still have this image of you. If I stay, I know I’ll come to hate you, but it’s not you really, it’s me. I’ll hate myself and blame it on you. My choices. My mistakes. They’ll keep haunting me, and I don’t want to drag you into this mess I’ve made.”

Kris looked over to you with pain in his eyes. You noticed in your peripheral vision that he had leaned back into the chair in a slump. Willing yourself to respond, you wrapped your arms around your waist and tried to react, but nothing came forward. You didn’t know what to say to that.

 

“I want you to hate me, but only so I can leave. If you hated me, I could walk out of here with my conscience. But I know you can’t. You don’t have it in you to, even when your angry with me, you just can’t bring yourself to despise me. I wish to hell I could not bring you so much pain, but I can’t. It’s all I seem to bring you. I don’t know how you’ve managed to bring our relationship this far. Everything we have today is because you fought for us, for me. And still, all I do is hurt you.”

 

You couldn’t keep the pain down any longer. They formed into tears and slid down your cheeks. Two drops soon turned into a stream. Your vision blurred as you kept the silent tears away from him, but you knew he knew. Somehow, he always knew when to comfort you. You wished he’d walk over like he usually did and wrap his arms around you. Just his scent was comforting.

 

But this time, you didn’t feel his warmth. You didn’t hear his footsteps walk over. Hugging yourself harder, you managed to wipe your wet cheeks with your shirtsleeve.

 

You heard his chair scrape the floor as he stood up. He reached for the glass vase on the table and threw it across the room in anger. The sharp sound of the glass shattering made you flinch, but his voice made you jump in surprise.

 

“Hate me already! There is nothing I can give you but pain! Why can’t you see that,” he screamed at you as he started knocking off the frames from the shelves. “All this. All this… You can’t live like this. I can’t live like this.”

 

Kris gripped the back of the chair until his knuckles turned white. Still, you couldn’t respond. You were shocked into silence. Never once have you seen him like this. Fresh tears started forming in your eyes. You saw his frustration die down as he took a few deep breaths and crouched down before standing up to face you again.

 

“Why do you love me,” his voice cracked from his outburst.

 

“I-I just do,” you whispered.

 

“Have you ever asked yourself why?”

 

You shook your head in response.

 

“Is it my face? Is that what you love about me?”

 

You looked at him in disbelief. Of course initially you were attracted to his looks, but your love went beyond that.

 

“Is it my personality? The way I laugh? What is it that I do that makes you want to love me? That makes you want me to stay? What do you love so much about me that makes you unable to let go?”

 

“How can you ask such a thing? How can you make me feelings for you sound so shallow? I don’t understand what you’re trying to do.”

 

“So I can change what ever it is that makes you love me so much. So you can let go of me.”

 

“Why do you want me to hate you so much,” your voice trembled with question.

 

Kris looked down in defeat. His shoulders slumped and his hands hung defenseless at his sides. “I’d rather you hate me, then still love me when I leave. Because then, I’ll know you will move on. You will find someone who could love all of you. Who could appreciate your love and give you everything you deserve, because I can’t.”

 

“Can’t or won’t…”

 

“If I could give you everything you deserved, I would’ve. Right now, I’m like an incomplete man. How can I give you everything if I can’t even complete myself?”

 

“I don’t care about everything,” you whispered. “I care about you.”

 

“I-I can’t fight for you. Not anymore. I’ve made my decision already. I’m going,” he responded just as quietly.

 

You couldn’t blame him because you knew. Somewhere deep down you’ve always known. As much as he liked to say he was happy, there was always something lacking in his words, in his eyes. You didn’t want to admit to it then, thinking that someday your love would make that look completely disappear. But you were fooling yourself, and now you looked like a fool. Standing there, crying your heart out, while he wanted an out. You never realized how hard you fought for your relationship to be complete, but only figured out now that he needed to be the one to help you complete it. You couldn’t carry a relationship by yourself. The bitterness in your mouth tasted of truth, and it hurt.

 

“There’s too much to say, but there are no words that can describe what I want to say,” Kris continued. “I want you to move on. I want you to be happy. Please. What ever you do, forget about me. I cannot love you like you need. I’m never going to be enough. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…”

 

You finally looked up to face him, but it was too late. He was already turned towards the door and turning the knob. Your lips trembled, but no words came forth. No matter what you said, it couldn’t change his mind. No matter how much you loved him, it wouldn’t make him love himself. You couldn’t make him happy, he had to do it himself.

 

You heard the door click shut. The silence deafened you.

 

“I’m sorry too…” you whispered to no one.