I was just there to watch her sleep for most of the time.

It was pleasant to watch her delicate face. But then, her petite frame got smaller and smaller under the covers. I watched her face getting paler each day.

I just watched. There was nothing I could do except for staying by her side.

 

Then I watched her smile. And that was already enough. She looked ten thousands times prettier when she smiled. Prettier every time. The little wrinkles on her eyelids. The toothy grin. 

When there is God, he must have spent a little more time on this beautiful creature. God damn. He must have loved her so much that he wanted her back.

Then don’t let me meet her at the first place. I wanted her than anything, anyone on this ed up world.

 

“Hey.”

She had been staring for god knows how long. Her voice was breathless but her tone was stern.

“Hey you too.” I helped her to sit right up. “You’re awake.” 

“Hm.” She fixed the tube connecting her nostrils to the little machine.

“Is there anything I can do for you today?”

“Just stay.” Her dark orbs got me trapped, not that I would ever want to escape.

“I ain’t going nowhere.”

“Good.” 

 

So I read her another book. She liked hearing all sorts of stories. I guess it was kind of compensatory. To explore the world with words. And I was more happy to be part of it.

There were barely visitors for her. They were either her former therapy groupmates or volunteers she met. Her family was just paying for her medical fees instead of any visit. 

They had “abandoned” her a long time ago. They left her alone in the world of death and sickness.

 

“Love is so powerful.” She commented as I finished reading her a romantic novel.

“And beautiful.” I smiled to myself, fingers tracing the words on the cover of the book.

“So have you fallen in love?” She asked almost too carefully, muttering word by word, eyes glued on the wall behind me.

“I guess I have.” I leaned my back on the comfy chair. 

 

Irene. I love her, and that is the beginning and the end of everything.

This girl I loved hugged her knees and replied after a long pause,  “Me too.”

I tried to catch a glimpse of her expression, but it was blocked by her long dark hair. She supposed to start losing hair at such stage. Again, it proved that she must be God’s favorite child.

“But it doesn’t matter anymore now.” She rested her head on her knees, tilted towards me. A light smile plastered on her face.

I was left speechless, lips dry and throat clogged up. But I could not tear my eyes away. She left me stunned. Again, and again.

 

One time, I brought her some home-made food. 

Meals in hospitals tasted like mud, she said. Not to mention she basically grew up eating that.

I settled the lunch boxes on the table while she was curiously sniffing around.

“Korean food? I thought you only make Western dishes.”

“You taught me last time.” I threw her a playful wink as I opened one of the boxes.

“They smell nice.” Irene grinned.

“Wanna try?” I handed her a pair of chopsticks.

“Yes please.” She nodded but showed no intention to withdraw her hands from the covers.

“Argh…..” I scratched my nape before I dug the spoon into the sea of soup. 

 

She looked expectant. Just like a child with her birthday cake.

I made sure it wasn’t too hot and fed her, “Here you go.”

“Hey, it tastes good too.” Her magnificent eyebrows moved as she spoke. And I found that deadly lovable.

Not wanting to be caught blushing, I kept my head low, “You are not going to let me feed you the whole meal, ain’t you?”

A part of me wanted to, a big part of me indeed. 

 

“But I don’t feel like moving today.” 

“Alright then. Open up.” I fed her another spoonful of rice.

“You’re not eating?” She stopped chewing at her third spoon of rice.

“I ate.” 

“Oh.”

 

After her lunch, I sat there awkwardly waiting.

“I am tired.” She grabbed her pillow and buried her face in it.

“Maybe I should let you rest then.” I reached out for my backpack

“You'll be here tomorrow, right ?” She looked up with her puppy eyes

“Sure.” I smiled. Then, I gently tugged her to sleep and left. 

 

 

-

 

 

I could feel myself getting weaker.

But I wanted to see the world, there were so many things I still hadn’t seen.

Maybe I was not born to explore the world like that. I was born with diseases. I was born with curses. A curse that chained me from going to new places, meeting new people, trying new things.

I was a sick bird in a cage. I could not fly. I could not sing.

 

Just when I was about to give up on myself, a light shined into the little cage of mine. A warm ray of sunlight. She knocked on my door. She cared for me. 

I knew she was different. It came out from her heart, not some stupid voluntary obligations.

She saved me.

 

I had wanted and tried to kill myself. I had to die anyway. At least I wanted to have control over something in my life. 

But then she opened a window for me. So that I could breath. So that I could see. So that I could feel. Those things I had never experienced before.

I then finally discovered the meaning of life. Sadly, it was too late. It might be better off if I did not. 

Now I hated life. Because I hated death. How could I hurt her by dying? She came into my life and she was not leaving. She was there with me everyday. She had done so many things for me.

 

Wendy.

Her name was Wendy. I had carved it into my heart. She was the very first person I felt attached with and very likely the last. I just wanted to spend more time with her.

I dreamt of getting old with her. How silly I was.

This girl could not lie and I knew how she saw me. God, please forgive me for being selfish this time. Since you have taken many things from me already. I asked her to stay with me. I asked her to read books for me. I asked her to cook for me. I asked her to feed me.

She blushed. It wasn’t hard to see the pink cheeks of hers.

 

And I asked her to leave me some private time that day. Since I wanted to write down the words I could not say. The words I did not get to tell her all these times.

Such a loser I was. 

I flipped the pages of my notebook and picked up my pen.

I knew I was missing her already.

 

 

-

 

 

I left the hospital. 

But I did not go directly back to the asylum. I felt like breathing in some fresh air. So I wandered on the streets. I did not why but I really wanted take a good look of this world. Until it was dark.

I sat alone at the park watching people come and go. There weren’t many of them actually.

 

“Why the long face?” 

“Shut up.” I whispered into the air.

“It seems that we are both bored. Let’s hang out!” It was a kid.

“No thanks. I don’t want the others to see me as a psychopath.”

“I have been following you for a while.”

“Stalker.”

“No! I just wanted to know you more before talking to you.”

“Fine.”

“You like her, don’t you?”

“Shut up.” I looked around and covered my ears. Although it was a useless move.

“It’s fine for me. Everyone can be together and get married with people they love. I don’t see the problem with that.”

“It isn’t a problem for me neither.”

“Oh no,  so that hospital…... She is……. ”

“Yeah. So zip it now.”

 

I ran my fingers through my hair, as if I was trying to get rid of something.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, kid. You didn’t know. So, what happened to you? What's your story?”

“I got drowned then died from lung failure.”

“Oh, I see.” 

 

Drowned? Lungs?

I let off a soft chuckle because God was really making fun of me.

“I shouldn’t have gone to the beach. My mom never let me. I sneaked in with my brother. Now he is taking all the blame.” 

“I am sorry to hear that. It must've broken your family’s heart.”

“My parents didn’t love me anyway. They wouldn’t even miss me. The only one who loved and cared about me is my brother.”

“How could they?”

“Because I was stupid. I did bad at school. I couldn’t write and speak properly until I was four.”

“You must be very lonely.”

“So are you.”

I continued my walk and the kid continued the talk.

 

“I can tell she likes purple.”

“Huh?” I tried to response in the quietest way so that no one would notice me talking to myself.

“Most of her stuff are purple. I mean the stuff she chose for herself, like her pen.”

“Well, I did not look through her personal belongings.” I mocked.

“I was trying to help you there.”

“Okay, thanks.” I laughed a little.

“How I wish I could know what love is.”

“Your brother loves you.”

“Yeah ….. He tried so hard to save me and he got a cramp.” The kid laughed bitterly.

“That’s what love is.”

 

I stopped by a shop. 

An crazy idea came to me.

“So how about buying these for her? They must have something in purple.” 

“Good. Those in the hospital are so dull and lifeless.”

 

 

-

 

 

I opened my eyes the next morning and I saw Wendy dozing off on the chair. 

I could not help but smile. 

Then I noticed a huge bag next to her feet. I wondered what had she smuggled in this time.

 

It did not take long for her to wake up. She looked rather thrilled.

“Hey, good morning. You'll love this for sure. But first, I have to get you off from the bed.”

“What? Why?” I was confused as I just woke up too.

 

“Stay still, okay? Don’t move, or else your tube will get tangled up and we have to say goodbye.” She joked and inched closer.

I froze on my spot when she was slipping her arms under my back and my numb legs. She carried me in bridal style. I wondered if she was that strong or I had already lost so much weight. I instinctively wrapped my arms around her neck. And I realized how close we were. I daren’t to look at her and glued my eyes on her neck, her collarbone.

“Easy.” She smiled and softly placed me on a small sofa.

I swear there wasn’t any sofa before.

“So,” She headed back to her bag. “I got you some new bed sheets.”

She turned around and showed me a set of purple bed sheets. And her cartoon-looking bright smile.

I was unable to say anything and she moved on to change the bed sheets for me.

 

“It’s so going to lighten things up.” She chuckled.

“How do you know I like purple?” I stared at her back.

“Fate.” She sounded so certain.

“Thanks.” I muttered under my breath because I was still so embarrassed.

“You’re welcome. Those white cloths are making me sick. I can’t imagine you are living with them all this time.” Having the new bed sheets all set, she came up to me again.

“Carrying me again?” Somehow I got nervous, not that I thought she would drop me on the floor.

“Why not?”

I was lifted up before I even got to answer. I could walk a little on my own but I guess she just wouldn’t let me.

“So ma’am, here is your new bed.” She proudly and gently put me down.

“It’s basically the same bed.” I giggled.

“But it looks new!” She pouted unknowingly. 

I patted her hand, “I like it.”

“I figured.” Her smiling face came back again. 

 

“Anyway, where did you get the sofa?” 

“I smuggled mine with the help of Doctor Temperance.”

“Okay.” I just had to admit she was impressive in every way.

“Just so I can get comfortable staying here.” She threw herself to the sofa.

“Camping out here?”

“Of course not. I cannot sticking with you 24/7, right ? I ain’t that creepy.” She rested her head on her folded arms.

“Then what are we doing today?” 

“Do you feel like going out today?”  

 

So she took me out. To the art museum.

Strangely, it didn’t feel that bad being outside on a wheelchair and a machine attached to your nose anymore.

I felt safe, and happy.

Wendy kept talking to me on the way. She could talk non-stop all day without being annoying. It’s like she had a radio channel embedded in her body. And I loved that about her

Soon we were there and we watched the exhibition in silence. 

 

I found her spacing out really cute. 

Usually she would look at the painting or the sculpture for a good minute and check for the introduction on the side with furrowed eyebrows, then go back to the displayed.

If she still could not get it, she would look over to me with puppy eyes

Oh, how I wish to have time like today. With her.

 

 

-

 

 

I watched Wendy coming back to the asylum late at night, looking rather exhausted.

“So, does Irene like it?” I greeted her with a mug of hot cocoa.

“Yes. We had a great day.” She tittered and gladly took the mug, “Thanks.”

“How’s she?”

“Weaker but still spirited.”

“I have been searching for help but all in vain. Even Dr Cruz is frustrated at her case. I’m sorry Wendy.”

“It’s okay. I have been mentally prepared.” She patted my shoulder before walking past me to her room. 

“Sometimes I think you are incredibly brave.” I stood by her door.

“I am not.” She sipped on her cocoa. “I am scared but it’s something we all have to face eventually. We all die one day and people we love will leave us someday. That’s why life, living, is meaningful. Life is such a bore if we don’t die.” 

“You’re right.” I thought of my wife.

“It’s just,” She spoke again, tone hoarse. “She’s leaving so soon.”  

 

Both of us were left tearing up.

“You’ve proved that there’s an afterworld. So we’ll all eventually meet again someday.” I looked at Wendy who was gripping hard on her mug.

“We will. Someday.” She gave me a warm smile, but I could still see the tears in her eyes.

 

I knew she was so fragile on the inside. But she would be just fine. 

“She must like you too.”

“But it doesn’t matter anymore now.” She tried to smile more but a tear just dripped into her cocoa.