家に帰ると妻が必ず死んだふりをしています。

Ie ni Kaeru to Tsuma ga Kanarazu Shindefuri wo eimasu

When I get home my husband always pretends to be dead

Chanyeol opened the door to his tiny apartment in downtown Seoul, twisting the key to unlock the door. Sliding his Converse sneakers off on the red ‘Welcome!’ doormat, the young man’s eyes narrowed in apprehension, his heartbeat quickening slightly. What was this weird feeling? It felt like something was terribly wrong. Shrugging it off, he held onto his briefcase tightly as he turned the silver doorknob, pushing the polished wooden door open cautiously and peering into the darkness beyond.

“I’m home,” he announced. No response whatsoever.

Then he turned the lights on and looked down.

A man he distinctly recognized as Baekhyun was lying on the floor. Of course, how could he have not recognized Baekhyun? They had spent all these years together, and the couple had finally tied the knot earlier in the year. They were a very happy newlywed couple, and all their friends said they had never seen a happier marriage. Ah, he could still remember how he had looked on that day… Jerking himself from his distracted thoughts, he stared at his beautiful husband, who was lying unmoving on the carpet. His eyes widened in shock at the sight that awaited him, nearly losing his grip on his briefcase from the sudden surprise.

A kitchen knife was embedded deeply in Baekhyun’s back, buried almost to the hilt in his body. His white shirt had practically turned red in color, stained a deep crimson from the blood that had seeped through it from the fatal wound. The carpet he had collapsed on was dyed red as well from the pool of blood, and a horrible smell wafted through the air and reached his nose. Chanyeol felt his heart lurch in terror, his eyes widening in surprise, his grip on his briefcase tightening slightly…

Then he laughed, although the laughter was somewhat forced. “Looks like it’s gonna be hard to clean this up today, eh?”

When had it begun? Several weeks ago? Months? It felt like years now, since Baekhyun had begun to fake his deaths just for the kick of it. He remembered when he had come home from another tiring day at his workplace, and his husband was just lying down at the entrance. At the beginning, he was surprised, and eventually got him to wake up and go do something more ‘normal’. This continued every day, until Chanyeol was no longer amused and began getting annoyed, simply giving the boy a light kick and telling him to get up, pretending to Not Give A . He wanted to scold Baekhyun for it, but he just looked so cute when he was saying sorry… in the end, he just assumed that this was some sort of strange way for him to show his love and decided to ignore it. Maybe he just liked sleeping on floors.

Then the following day, Chanyeol came home and saw Baekhyun’s collapsed body with blood streaming from his mouth. Chanyeol almost had an aneurysm when he saw his dead husband, freaking out and nearly calling the cops before Baekhyun couldn’t take it anymore and started laughing, fake blood splashing all over the place. He had received a very light scolding for that – Chanyeol was too glad his beloved husband wasn’t dead to get too upset at him. It didn’t help that Baekhyun’s ‘kiss and make up’ method was very good at calming him down… The week after, he came home to find Baekhyun, motionless with shirt stained by blood. His eyes were closed, and he wore a resigned expression of death. His face was pale as a ghost. Chanyeol almost called the cops again, but this time he stopped and verified that his husband was still alive; as expected, Baekhyun was very much alive, but was upset that the reaction this time was lacking. Poor Chanyeol tried to appease his husband’s bad mood by telling him that his disguise this time was good – and he wished he hadn’t, because Baekhyun immediately perked up and said “I’ll do this better, you just watch!” Chanyeol immediately regretted showing that he Actually Gave A , but it was too late.

This outrageous occurrence began happening on a daily basis, with Baekhyun adopting different kinds of ‘deaths’ every single day. It was almost a routine by now – Chanyeol would drive home, open the door, and see his husband dead in some grotesque/ludicrous manner. One day, he had worn a prop that made it seem like he had an arrow piercing through his head, and he had forgotten to take it out when he was cooking their dinner. It was almost hilarious, but the joke was getting stale at that point and Chanyeol tried not to encourage Baekhyun’s strange behavior any further. He was tired of the pranks, and just a small compliment on his ‘death’ was enough to make him all excited and pumped for more new costumes, which frightened Chanyeol enough to make him keep the praises to the absolute minimum. Where is he getting all these ideas?! he would think, too afraid to tell his husband that he was acting very, very strangely. Was this a normal phase of post-wedding life? Chanyeol went online, searching for answers, but could find no clues as to what was causing Baekhyun’s strange behavior. In the end, he just went to bed, unsatisfied by the lack of answers and perplexed by the actions of the man he lay next to in bed.

Once, he was wearing a convenience store’s plastic bag over his head. Chanyeol could see it puffing up and down as he breathed, however. He hoped that he was running out of ideas – surely the well of imagination would dry up one day, and this weird habit would finally cease? But Chanyeol knew that Baekhyun wasn’t the type that ran out of steam or inspiration easily. He knew how determined his husband was, and while he had once greatly admired him for his undying perseverance, now he hoped that he would just give up and stop. Calm down, he told himself. A husband should be supportive…

Another day, Chanyeol had returned home to the sight of a large, fuzzy sunfish costume just lying there. Baekhyun’s legs could be seen awkwardly sticking out of the bottom. A fish out of water, quite literally. He felt like closing the door, throwing away his briefcase and running crying to the local pub, drowning his frustration in alcohol.

Then, one day, he came home and saw Baekhyun dressed in a green military uniform, no doubt rented from some cosplay shop somewhere, clutching a plastic rifle closely to his chest. Died honorably in battle. Chanyeol was too upset by his husband’s money wastage to be impressed, but again, Baekhyun’s ‘kiss and make up’ procedures were very effective. Perhaps he might have been more approving of the soldier uniform given different circumstances. And now, here he was, helping Baekhyun wipe up blood stains and cleaning up the mess he left behind. As usual. He sighed, but couldn’t help but return his husband’s sheepish grin. I’m so whipped, he thought idly.

After having dinner, Chanyeol crawled into bed dressed in his pajamas, yawning in exhaustion. Baekhyun was already asleep, lying on the bed facing away. Why was he doing this ‘acting dead’ thing? This never happened before they got married… Chanyeol went to sleep wondering. What the hell does he want me to do? What is he planning to do with this? Did I do something wrong to deserve this? Or did something happen to him?

His last thought was I’ll post this online tomorrow morning, before his consciousness slipped away and he drifted off into a dream world where Baekhyun was a reanimated zombie who died every day.

Ibringduhfire posted (11 Sept 2014, 16:45:12): When I get home, my husband always pretends to be dead. What makes this happen?

When I got home, he was lying down on the entrance. At first, I was surprised by it. But then it continued happening every day, I got used to it, and began ignoring him, only saying “Hey, wake up”.

Then, blood was coming out of his mouth one day.

One week after, he was wearing a bloodstained shirt.

Lately, I have no clue if he’s running out of ideas or going insane.

But, one time, an arrow was piercing his head. Another day, he put a plastic bag on his head. (It was waving with his breath.)

He was wearing a military uniform and died honorably in combat holding a rifle recently.

Now, I try to ignore him, but it’s so hard.

What does he want me to do?

Where is he heading with this?

I have no idea. Please tell me why. One day, he was even preparing our dinner with an arrow piercing his head.

Chanyeol clicked ‘Post’ and leaned back in his office chair. Hopefully his boss wouldn’t catch him posting this. Peeking out of his cubicle, he saw the grumpy looking man sitting in the office room, shuffling through paperwork with a look that suited a battle-hardened warrior more than an executive in a suit. Mr. Kris was a terrifying boss, and Chanyeol quickly retreated his head back to the safety of his cubicle before he was caught staring.

A few minutes later, he refreshed the post. Surprisingly, there were already a few replies. The man scrolled through them, reading them curiously.

minseok90 replied (11 Sept 2014, 16:47:23): Maybe he just likes to cosplay? Some people need an outlet for their love of dressing up.

notacuteprince replied (11 Sept 2014, 16:48:46): Yeah, some people really like dressing up. You should get your husband more pretty clothes.

suhohoho replied (11 Sept 2014, 16:48:59): Some people are very suicidal these days. Maybe he wants to die.

1991lay replied (11 Sept 2014, 16:50:10): If he wanted to die, why not just commit suicide? Kekekeke

mynameisorange replied (11 Sept 2014, 16:51:09): y r u asking tis on the internet u go to hell. [This message has been flagged as spam.]

Chanyeol deleted the last comment, feeling mildly irritated. Perhaps the Internet was the wrong place to look for answers. Stretching his fingers, he quickly typed a short reply to the anonymous readers:

“Thank you. I’m surprised at getting so many answers.

It was probably a month or two ago when he started doing this. He easily gets carried away. It’s really hard work for me, since I have to help remove his makeup and clean up the mess.

It seems that he bought the military stuff at a cosplay rental shop. I told him not to waste money, but he was too cute.”

Mere seconds after clicking ‘Post’, Kris emerged from his office looking very irritated. “Mr. Park,” he said loudly, making Chanyeol jump in terror. “Please do not use the company internet for entertainment purposes. You are here for a reason, and that reason is not to fool around. Every second you waste produces losses for the company. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes sir.” Chanyeol decided not to treat his boss to donuts the next time he bought some.

Kris disappeared into his room, and the young employee sank back into his chair in relief. In hindsight, that could have been much worse. With a sigh, he went back to his job, turning off his brain and ignoring the suspicious looks people were giving him. Tap. Tap. Tap. His fingers danced over the keyboard like raindrops, and before he noticed, two hours had passed. Holy crap, time flies, he thought incredulously. Maybe his job wasn’t so bad, after all.

Chanyeol’s mind wandered back to the post he had made. It was so tempting to take a look… But he knew Kris was watching all the internet traffic, and he knew that his boss would not like the fact that he was breaking the rules a second time. Yet, his fingers still itched to find out… Finally, he decided. He would not take a look until he got home. He would wait until he got off work before he-

The sound of a door opening disrupted his train of thought, and he turned to see his damned boss walking away. Was he going to the toilet? Home? Coffee break? It only took a second for Chanyeol to realize that he actually Did Not Give A what his boss was doing, as long as he could check the comments. His fingers flew across the keyboard, and before long he was back at his post. There were so many comments that he couldn’t read them all in a short time, so he quickly looked over a few:

kkyungs00: Is he a fashion designer? Maybe he does this to keep himself inspired.

imnotjongin: This is what happens when people watch too many detective dramas. Ugh.

senshine94: You should take selfies with him, that way you can become an ulzzang kekeke

kungfupantao: Maybe he’s lonely? You are leaving him alone when you work, after all.

kungfupantao’s struck Chanyeol like a harsh whip. But there was truth to those words – he left for work early in the morning, and came home late. After they got married, he had been swamped with more and more work, thanks to the new boss (Kris, ugh), and now he spent less time than ever with Baekhyun. Before getting married, every moment was treasured, every night of passion spent together precious. They would drive all the way to the beach after midnight on impulse, to watch the sun rise together. They would lie on the sand, pretending the fine grains were snow and making sand angels, laughing like crazy. They would fall asleep at sunrise, lying on each other’s bodies, feeling the warmth of their loved ones so close to them. Then they would be scolded by their superiors at work for being late. But now, Chanyeol had a new boss. He couldn’t just shirk his duties like that anymore. Kris was more demanding than his mother-in-law.

Baekhyun, the man who had quit the job he loved for him. His husband. I wonder… if Baekhyun misses those days. Chanyeol felt his eyes prickle with sudden tears, thinking back to the glorious moments of the past. Was it his fault for not treating him right after marriage? He had grown cold. He thought of Baekhyun, alone at home, quietly folding paper planes and tossing them off the balcony out of boredom. His poor husband, left with nothing to do but housework.

And he had to make it right. He stood up, packing up his things and Not Giving a about the looks his coworkers were giving him. It was time to go home, back to the loving husband who was waiting for him. Chanyeol grabbed his briefcase and ran out, only to be stopped by a furious man in a suit. Kris glared at him with barely restrained anger. “Where do you think you’re going?” he growled, eyes blazing with heat yet somehow cold as ice at the same time. But even in the face of adversity, he had no fear. Perhaps he was willing to sacrifice for his love, or maybe it was because he had used the hashtag YOLO too often recently. Or… it could be that Chanyeol no longer Gave a about Kris.

“Family emergency,” he grinned, pushing past Kris without hesitation. His heart raced as he ran to the car park, getting into his Hyundai faster than he ever had before. Chanyeol almost broke the speed limit twice on the way home, and parked the car with skills that would have made his driving instructor cry. He might have even stepped in dog poop in his hurry to get to his apartment. (He wasn’t going to check.) When he finally reached home, he pressed the elevator button for ‘up’ at least ten million times, impatiently waiting for the doors to open. Why was the elevator so damn slow today? He glanced at the emergency stairs for a second, before making the decision to screw it and just run all the way up.

With Usain Bolt-level sprinting, he reached the door to his apartment, gasping for breath. His shaky hands unlocked the door quickly and he rushed in, slipping his shoes off like banana peels. The sight that he saw was not unfamiliar – his husband was ‘dead’ again, but this time, Baekhyun appeared to be eaten by a large toy crocodile, his legs sticking out of the stuffed reptile’s mouth. It was so comical that he struggled not to laugh at the absurd scene. Normally, Chanyeol would have sighed and kicked him to get the boy to stand up, but now he just smiled and said “Wow, today’s disguise is pretty creative! Sorry to keep you waiting!”

There was no response. Chanyeol raised an eyebrow and walked over to Baekhyun’s body, poking it gently. Fear flooded his mind in those few moments. Was he dead? Had he suffocated to death? It seemed like a ridiculous way to die, and he was suddenly overcome by worry.

Then there was a grunt, a muffled reply of “five more minutes”… and the boy turned over, snoring softly. Chanyeol couldn’t help but smile. So was this Baekhyun’s way of showing his love? He was probably bored to death sitting alone at home, having no one to talk to. Did he get into position this long before he got home? It was at least two hours before the time normally got home. Chanyeol felt tears well up in his eyes again, touched that his husband would go to such lengths. How could he have not noticed?

With a soft chuckle, Chanyeol decided to let his sleeping husband continue his nap and lay down next to Baekhyun, careful not to get his office clothes dirty on the puddle of fake blood on the floor. Resting his head on the crocodile’s body, he closed his eyes… Baekhyun, I swear I will treat you better from now onwards.

Hmm… I wonder what you’ll dress up as tomorrow?

I’m looking forward to it!