A World Without Color

Yifan has been staring at his laptop screen for the past thirty minutes, hoping that there will be a ringing sound from Skype, noticing that Zitao is calling him. It is currently 8PM in Prague, when he should have taken his dinner two hours ago. Maybe Zitao's tired from all the schedule he had that day, Yifan thought as he gives up and goes to the kitchen to get something to eat.

Their communication has decreased significantly ever since he left EXO for good. Things were chaotic back then and Zitao refused to forgive him, which was normal to be honest. Yifan did not plan on telling anyone, including his lover that he would leave – he knew it was unforgivable. It was the cruelest torture for Zitao – not knowing anything even when they were together everyday and slept in the same room. However, after taking plenty of time explaining his circumstances, the younger finally came around.

Nights without the one you love are certainly different. Every single day, back then, Zitao’s eyes bewitched him – luring him into love. When everything was crumbling, the younger would always be there picking those pieces back into one. When everyone thought that Yifan was the light and Zitao was the darkness, it was the other way around. Yifan was a blank white sheet and Zitao was the one who colored it.

***

He was black when the first time they met.

Clad in hideous black outfit, unfriendly and unapproachable, Yifan had thought as he held that hand for the first time. The young man in front of him was stiff and statue-like. Zitao refused to look at his eyes directly and he even stuttered when he introduced himself. The guy was not a bad guy, really, but Yifan simply did not want to befriend him.

Zitao woke up roughly at five in the morning and jogged around the dorm and came back at seven. Once he was done with the morning jog, he would do yoga straight at seven thirty, before taking his break, finally, around eight fifteen. Yifan had not met such an organized and discipline person in his entire life. He was the absolute definition of ‘self-control’.

Almost one year and it was announced that they would be debuted. Together. In the span of eight months, Zitao had finally shown his charming side. He warmed up to Yifan – only to him. Yifan found himself getting fonder and fonder of him every day. There were times when they felt down during trainee days. Training and debut were never easy and they missed their family. Hence, Zitao always put such brave and encouraging face. Yifan knew that the younger was probably exhausted, frightened and doubtful as well, but he could hide it really well. Zitao would cheer everyone up, no matter what – with his toothy laughter and little 4D jokes he made.

Yifan thought that sunshine-like yellow was equal to his beautiful laughter.  It made the day brighter.

The day when Yifan finally realized that Zitao was in love with him was when the younger did not resist his kiss. It had been a long day after a whole week of unforgiveable schedule and all they wanted was just a little break. Zitao wanted to have a good exercise instead of resting at home and Yifan just wanted to sleep all day. However, he found it hard to reject the younger’s advances on ‘going out and play’ and he ended up playing basketball with him.

They were joking around about how Yifan was on strict diet, but took two liters of Cola every day and Yifan had mocked him back about Zitao finishing three boxes of pizza by himself. They took a break, went to a mini market and returned to the basketball court to laze around. The wind was pretty strong that day and Yifan had insisted to go home, but as always Zitao had different idea. Saying he was a bit sleepy, the brunette rested his head on the leader’s chest comfortably.

Yifan was feeling uncomfortable; not the fact that it was a man who was lying on his chest or not because the closeness that was a bit too much according to his judgment, but because his heart was racing too loud and he was afraid that Zitao might hear it. The fact that the man he loved was this close to him, it felt more than amazing. It felt magical, yet somehow too real.

“I can hear your heart beat.” Zitao had said as a matter of fact. Yifan swore that all of his nerves were about to snap and then his instinct took off; he was hovering over the younger, eyes fixed on him. Zitao was shock, but he did not say anything nor push away. Their lips touched a second after that; slow and loving. They moved in the same rhythm and all the senses Yifan had felt like they had been revived.

Zitao put his arms around his back, drawing him even closer. Yifan had felt something wet and noticed that Zitao was crying. When they broke the kiss, Zitao was grinning at him and the older could not help but to chuckle. Even in moment like this, the younger could be so unbearably adorable. Yifan did not need to know that Zitao was in love with him – he could feel it through the shade of his cheeks, through the warmth of his touch, to the eyes that communicate. Everything.

Zitao could claim that he fell in love with Yifan first – but a secret held dearly; Yifan was Zitao’s all along and the younger did not have to say it. Yifan would do the job. “I love you.” The older said before he kissed the younger’s forehead. “Mm. I do, too.” The younger replied. They exchanged several kisses and each time Yifan leaned in, Zitao’s cheeks turned bright pink.

Life was fulfilling since then for Yifan. No matter how hard it was being in the entertainment industry and how constantly he wanted to run away from reality, Zitao was always there to back him up. When people thought that it was Zitao who relied on Yifan a lot, it was actually the other way around. The brunette was a lot stronger than him and he admired his lover for it.

However, no matter how much effort Zitao had done to bring Yifan around and up, it was no use. The older isolated himself, he was more reserved and there was nothing his lover could do for him. When it was about the future and the present, Yifan was indecisive. His mother had told him once before – that when the things he did was no longer fulfilling, he should quit and move on. But just how could he do that? Leaving his friends? Leaving Zitao all alone? Should he forget about EXO and all the training he had gone through by sacrificing his dreams? Yifan was not sure he could do that.

That night he found out that Zitao was crying on his bed in the darkness. “Baby, what’s wrong?” Yifan got up and moved to the other bed where Zitao was wiping his own tears. “I had a bad dream, it’s alright.” The younger assured him with a little smile. The blonde gave him a hug to calm him down. “Aww, I’m here. I’ll hold you ‘till you’re asleep, okay?” he patted the younger’s back. Yifan enveloped his lover’s body, kissing the top of his head several times. Zitao then touched the older’s cheek, staring into his eyes.

“Yifan, don’t leave me, please. Please stay…” the younger pleaded desperately. It was scary to think that Zitao shared similar thoughts and fears as him. However, the scariest thing was that he could not promise anything to the man he held in his arms. Yifan was not strong enough to say a simple lie – it was better to do a bigger one.

When the future was too gray for him to see, Yifan chanted thousand apologies to his sweetheart, praying to dear God to give him a way out.

***

Zitao runs towards his and Sehun’s room once they arrived in the dormitory. They had just finished his practice and it is still 7PM, but he knows he is definitely late for Skype session with his boyfriend. To make it even worse, his battery died on the way, so he could not text the older to tell him that he was going to be late. As expected, Yifan is still online and Zitao cannot be happier than to finally greet him.

Sehun places his bag on his bed, sighing before making his way out. Although Zitao has pretty much forgiven the ex-member, Sehun is not ready yet to do the same thing. Not that he is angry about his friend’s decision to leave, he just dislikes the way he left.

On the other side of the world, Yifan was reading his script when his computer suddenly rings. He smiles when he sees the screen, Zitao asking for video call. As soon as they are connected, Yifan cannot help but to smile wildly at the tired face on the screen.

“I’m sorry! My battery died and we had a meeting after practice!” the younger apologizes immediately. “It’s fine, I understand. You look tired. Did you have your dinner?” Yifan asks, hoping to touch the younger’s face and kisses those lips.

Yet they are so far apart. So far because of a decision that cannot be changed. Had he enough chance and patience, he would have wanted to return to the past and fix everything. It is the distance he created to shield his heart and now regret is the only thing remained.

“I can eat later. Talking to you is more important. Listen, we did this new choreography for our new song and…” Zitao told his story on how EXO are making progress and about to have another album. Yifan listens attentively, although deep inside it hurts knowing that he used to be a part of them.

Then he realizes again, he remembers again.

Yes, Zitao colors his life, in a way. Without him, calling him, telling him stories about his daily activities and EXO, he is just a plain blank sheet. Even this second, Zitao is still trying to put each color in his world, but why does it feel so empty? Is it because of the distance? Is it because of regret?

Everyone has moved on to the next step, trying to be successful. Yifan has too, even earlier than the rest of the members. He is shooting a movie, recording a song – he does not lack anything and he is sure that this is what he wants.

“I miss you.” Yifan cut Zitao’s speech without realizing. Zitao grows quiet and looks at him with teary eyes. As always, Yifan does not have to tell if Zitao feels the same way, he understands. Sometimes all Yifan wants to do is to cry his heart out to this man. There are many things going on in his mind – complicated things that he does not know how to sort out. But he just cannot cry. Zitao does that for him. Zitao cries for him like he understands – like he is Yifan’s mind.

“I miss you too. I miss you so much. I wish I could quit everything and run to you. I wish you were here too when everything gets hard.” Zitao blurts out and it is the first time Yifan sees him cries since he left.

“Everyday I wonder if you’re tired of this, talking through Skype, texting, calling each other – a, and if you will leave me again. Because if you do, I don’t know if I can see people the same way again – I’m sorry.” Zitao sobs; anger and frustration blend perfectly in the form of words. “How long are we going to do this, Yifan? I want to see you, I want to touch you.” He pleads once again.

Yifan cannot answer a thing. After all, giving promises is the last thing he can do – and it is frustrating. He is not a man of words, not a man who can talk and lure someone with words. “Zitao, when everything has settled down, let’s live together.” He knows it is not the best thing he can say, but it is some sort of a promise for him.

Zitao does not respond and just try to calm down. “It’s going to be a long time, Yifan and I don’t know if I ca – “

“If ten years, twenty years later we still love each other let’s live together. Let’s get married, let’s move somewhere, away from everyone.” Yifan insists and leaves Zitao speechless. Still, the other is waiting for a respond.

“Ten years, it is.” Zitao finally smiles.

“Or five, maybe?”

“Stupid.”

Zitao’s laugh is the best thing he has ever seen in his life and it heals all the pain in a second. Yifan memorizes it in his mind, so when everything turns dark once again, it will be the first time he remembers. “Hey, do you know that for me, you are like chunks of crayons.” Zitao says, cheeks turn pink like they used to when Yifan says how much he loved him.

“Why?” Yifan asks, curious.

“I used to think that I was a white paper and then you came around to color me. You color my life. Everyday, with you is a different color. Sometimes it can be really sad and frustrating, but most of the time it makes me so happy. And I’m really grateful that you came into my life.” Yifan’s eyes widened when he hears that from Zitao. It is the exact thing that he has been thinking all of this time and it is just stunning how the younger thinks that he is the blank sheet.

 “Yifan? Are you crying? Hey!” Yifan hides his face, tears stream from his eyes.

…but why does it feel so empty? Is it because of the distance? Is it because of regret? – he asks himself once again, but soon he finds an answer.

They have been coloring each other’s life, until Yifan tried to walk out from Zitao’s life. And that is his greatest regret. It takes two to be in a relationship, yet he ran away from it. Sacrifices had to be made in order for him to reach his dream, but just how in the world did he not consider how Zitao feel?

“Let’s love each other for a long, long time, Zitao.” A promise.

The fact that someone has never given up for the love you used to have, you currently have, and possibly will have, is not it the best form of love ever existed?

-fin-

not my best work, I know.