When the world looks at Oh Sehun, they see a king on his throne, looking down upon the rest of humanity that are his slaves. That is not who I really am. That is merely a show I put on.

The bell rings. The door opens. People enter.

I don’t want them in here. I want to be alone. Do you not understand?  My hands grip the arms of the chair, but I don’t speak a word. I don’t let it show. I secure the mask back into place.

They start again:

“When do you plan on answering?” And I know it is the usual story. “YO! You. What you gonna be? What you gonna do after you live as you please?”  A pile of heavy books are thrown at my feet. “Choose!” they command. “You can’t live off your dead father’s inheritance all your life. You better start earning. You know the money is going down the drain. You better learn to stand on your own two feet, and do something useful with your bloody life.”

And they leave.

I can hear their thoughts loud and clear. “Oh Sehun. That spoilt brat. Wasting the dwindling inheritance. Wasting away his life” Everyone hates the Oh family heir. It’s nothing new.

My fists clench. My jaw hardens. I try to hide it, to show that I am not affected – but I am.

The cruel words crawl up my skin, staining me; tainting me. I cover my ears and bow my head, but the words keep coming, echoing in my head.

The last one out of the door pauses, however. This is something new. He is Shinhwa, the new employee. Before walking out, he turns and looks me in the eye.

And he sees right through.

Shinhwa looks into my eyes, and sees, not a grown man, not a king upon his throne, but a child, forced to sit in a chair too large for him.

He looks at me, and I know he understands.

His lips barely move as he forms the words: “Just don’t be a failure who loses everything.”

He need not add the last two words: “like me.” I understand.

~

The glass shatters. Falls to the floor before me.

Pieces of mirror on the ground reflect a distorted version of me. But it can’t get more distorted than what I am inside. I look at the empty mirror frame, and I see you, the ghost of my reflection.

You look just like me, but you aren’t Oh Sehun. You are merely the devil within me.

You smirk and beckon me, and I can hear your voice echoing in my mind. You’re an idiot who doesn’t have anyone to acknowledge you. You are an idiot who doesn’t have anyone to care about. You offer me a hand, and before I know it, I am dragged past the red signboards, into the one-way path of no return – dragged onto the dark side.

~

Why me? Why did I become a bad kid?

~

“Young master…”

“Oh Sehun….”

“Sehun…!” I snap my eyes open. The blinding light hurts my eyes – I squint and look up at the silhouetted figure before me.

The new employee.

Shinhwa.

He grips both my shoulders, looks me in the eyes, and says, “Listen close, boy. There is a role for you in this world. There is a cool job that only you, only you can do.”

Shinhwa turns and spits harshly. “Money, and power. To dust, to dust. Don’t become a person who pursues only those. I know you are forced to be heir, to take over the company after your father died. You weren’t even given time to adjust, to mourn him. You didn’t have a choice in the matter. The role maybe too big for you, but don’t – please don’t waste your life. You don’t have to standardize yourself to something else.”

He looks down and takes a deep breath: “Don’t give up because you are afraid of the future.” The words come out in a whisper.

I look into his eyes and see a young man within, trapped, cornered, chained onto a wire fence. Fear is clearly written in his eyes, as he struggles against the grip the world has on him. I recognize the man.

It is me.

Shinhwa stands up and walks out, leaving me with the words, “There is no place that teaches us how to love,” echoing in his wake.

~

I watch Shinhwa leave, and suddenly, once again, I am alone with you. Your cold hands grip me, and pull me closer. You whisper your poisonous words in my ears. And I would cover them, except I am too busy fighting you off.

You make me question myself: Why did I become a bad kid? What turned me into a rebel like this?

“There is no role model,” I hear your voice answer my unvoiced thoughts, “No example.”

“YO! You. What you gonna be?” I hear your sinister voice echo the same words the world screams at me every day, “What you gonna do after you live as you please? Do you live for me? Nigga, answer me!”

I push you away, and growl, “Couldn’t you just give me the confidence to do things my own way?” I push out. “Could you just teach me the way to love and respect? Have you ever thought of teaching me the way to stand up alone?”

I realize, as I am screaming out those words, that I am directing it at the people around me, my family, my father’s company, everyone who depended on me, expected so much – too much – from me. I release pent up emotions, the sadness I couldn’t express at my father’s death, the frustration I didn’t know how to show. All come tumbling out of my mouth, leaving my throat hoarse and sore.

Feeling suddenly very empty, I run away from every accusation, every duty, every promise and assurance of a mundane, planned life. I run away from you, and though you try to follow, you are falling behind. And I get closer to the light.

There is a dream, a dream higher than the sky. I want to know…

The dream that I want to live my life without regrets is finally opening.

I hear a voice call out in my heart: There is no one who doesn’t fail. Don’t back down; fight back! There is nothing more beautiful than overcoming it. You have to trust me.

And I trust that voice.

Already, I see the grip you have on me loosening.

I see your confidence slipping away.

I stagger away, and find my balance. I see the right path, and I step away, out of your reach. As you strike, a transparent barrier rises between us, separating us, the way it is meant to be.

You hit at the glass but I have become strong. You can no longer break me, can no longer let the poisonous words affect me. The marks on my skin fade away.

I am stronger than that, and finally after so long, I feel coloured.

I feel complete.

I am whole.