He drove on, continuing his long route from Seoul to Jeonju, then to his parents’ house right after his mother called him for something so urge. He loosened his already loosed necktie, his very own memorable yellow necktie, and then he ed the top button of his shirt unhurriedly. The weather at the moment was so hot and forced him to set the air con inside his car to the fullest, drying down the trace of tears on his face. Though he was in a panicked state, he tried his best to drive his car carefully, as a certain someone used to remind him over and over.

A certain someone he lost four years ago; whom he married to six years ago; whom he dated for about five years before he could propose her in not so romantic moment; whom he knew since his high school time—and she was still middle schooler back then, when her family moved to live in his neighborhood from their hometown in Busan years ago and caused him to fall in love at her the first time he saw her bold attitude and her so cheerful wide smile.

He could never forget that smile of her, ever.

He remembered how he often pestered her over and over, telling her that he like her and asking her to date him, albeit the fact that she didn’t like him back then. Being a typical Busan girl she was, she could easily floored him down and declared her dislike toward him in such bold manner. However, he didn’t ever give up on her. He kept pestering her, trying hard so that she would notice his feeling which grew up each day passed on. Until finally, she accepted him after his graduation from university—eventually, after he threatened her that he would be gone to another city to find job and to live his own life without her if she still rejected him over and over.

She accepted him, as what he predicted, as he knew that she was actually had mutual feeling with him, but she was just too shy to admit her own feeling all the time. He knew that he was being too conceited and overconfident about her. But what could he do when his world was already orbiting around her over and over, causing his heart to be pulled toward her as ever? He loved her, just too much.

Five years passed, and though they were in love, their days would always be filled by bickering for every single thing like teenagers couple with their dumbness. Though, they were not teenagers anymore, they both had their own job as a mere employee in each company and they had prepared for their future life. But the final word they wanted to utter to each other didn’t ever come as they both had some insecurities behind their nonchalant façade. Especially for him, since he was still being a mere contract-employee, his financial was still not stable, his company might discharged him anytime he made any mistake, and this was a big obstacle of his dream to be a capable man for her future. He felt like losing and he was afraid she would mock him if he tried to propose her in this kind of state.

Little did he know that she actually waited for her to say it first.

One day, his plan seemed got its enlightenment as his company called him for an interview for a promotion to be a settled employee. He was so happy that time, and invited her to come over to his company after his interview on the D-day. Actually, it was another D-day of his since he planned to propose her if he was accepted for the promotion, then he would ask her for a dinner and propose her there. And if he didn’t accept, he’d just asked for a dinner as their usual date. So it was still a fifty-fifty possibility.

Though he somehow managed to say his proposal in such a weird way, she nodded and smiled as her answer, and he never regretted that slipped proposal he made for her for the rest of his life, as they then got married the next month and eventually moved to Seoul as he was also successfully promoted for a higher position in his company. Thus he believed that happiness will fill their life as what he promised her following his proposal back then, “I promise I‘ll make you happy, Ji.”

He promised.

But he somehow forgot his promise after a big disaster came to their life, changing everything between the lovey dovey couple in their very beginning of living together as a family.

Everything actually started as Eunji was sometimes being a forgetful and she had no sense in finding directions ever since he knew her for the first time. He thought that she was so cute and innocent back then. And when they had moved to Seoul, he still thought that it was normal for her when she lost the way to their apartment for the first time. He didn’t notice that there was something wrong about her, until she started to act colder toward him and she asked him to divorce her in a sudden without telling him any reason behind her unreasonable request.

Him, from his own point of view, utterly, wouldn’t ever that easily to let her go, considering his tough efforts to get her heart for years, experiencing up and down, being rejected many times, until he managed to get a ‘yes’ from her lips. How could she easily ask him to just let her go off his life after what he had done for her?

Hence, they started to have real fights in their household. They used to have many playful bickerings before, but never any real fight when they had to yell and resenting each other so much as they had during this second year of their marriage. They kept fighting each day—until he found a sheet of paper she hid inside a drawer in their room, telling the exact reason behind her changing attitude.

He felt like his life has turned upside down as he read that she was diagnosed for an Alzheimer Disease.

He saw her standing behind him, tears flowing like a river from her eyes for the umpteenth time. And again, she asked him to just divorce her eventually. But by knowing the truth, he didn’t resent her as he always did these past days. He turned to her and pulled her into his embrace instead, soothing her not to be pessimistic about her disease, telling her that they could face it together, and reminding her about his promise again, “I’ll make you happy.”

He promised.

But then he forgot it again, when her disease had developed into the advanced stage of it thus she had to be sent to a long term hospital treatment in Jeonju—so that they’d be closer to their root family, with a very little hope they had for her to recover from this uncured disease. She was still quite young actually, and it was a rare case between one of ten million people in the world to get this kind of disease which was usually found among elderly. And though she was struggling so hard to be her own self, she couldn’t stop her brain to degenerate each day passed, to lose her ability to recognize her family and to take care of herself, and all she could do was only spacing out so long, unable to think her own thoughts anymore.

And he was somehow getting tired, when every time he had to visit her in her ward, just to be asked by same question again and again, “Who are you?”

Thus he’d always answered a same sentence as well, “I’m Kim Sunggyu, your husband, the father of the baby you are pregnant with, jagiyah.”

To their dismay, she got pregnant when her disease has been so advance thus she not only forgot how to take care of herself, but also the baby inside her. She was becoming so weak and doctor said that it would be so hard for her to deliver their baby later.

“Kim Sunggyu? Husband? …,” she blinked at him. “… baby?” she looked down to the baby bump of her stomach before looking back at him, confused.

He felt a pang deep down in his heart, but he tried so hard not to show it through a sweet smile he forced on his face. “Yes, sweetheart. I’m your husband, and we are currently waiting to meet our baby.”

He noticed how her face contorted in confusion, her eyebrows furrowed and she looked intensely at him, trying to remember the man who claimed as her husband but she couldn’t remember anything about him at all. She was confused, and it hurt her so much that she couldn’t remember anything she want to remember, thus she let her tears fell down, and it hurt him even more. He still couldn’t do anything about her tears, he was softened and getting weak by only watching her tears. What could he do to help her when he couldn’t help himself?

He couldn’t bear to see her in that kind of condition, of her forgetting about himself, thus he often drove back to Seoul for work, leaving her alone in that long-term hospital and only came back when doctor called him for any certain report of her disease development, and to find that she had forgotten about him more and more.

Month by month passed by them hurting each other that same way, until the day of her delivering their baby in that kind of unwanted condition, when she was on the weakest stage of the disease, when her physical condition didn’t match with her mental condition at all, and the delivery was almost failed for both the mother and the baby.

But she managed to deliver a healthy baby daughter to the world.

While God then kindly took all of her pain.

By taking her from the memories she could never remember.

By taking her from this cruel world.

Forever.

And strangely, Sunggyu didn’t even cry nor show any reaction when the nurse told him about her death or even about the newborn baby. Seemed like, his soul had gone away along with her as well, as he still didn’t show any emotion after the news about his wife and their baby. He did not even cry on her funeral. He had become a lifeless, after she left him in that kind of condition, not remembering of him at all. And thanks to his parents, who took his daughter to raise her instead by him, since it was obvious that he was still trapped in his own feeling toward his late lover, thus he forgot that he had another responsibility as a parent, as a father.

All he wanted to do is only to go back to their apartment, forgetting about his pain and only remembering the sweet moments they had in that apartment, back then when they was still a lovey dovey newlywed couple, when he still had that dream of creating a happy life for her, for them both, for their children in the future, when she still remembered him. But his dream and his future had gone with her.

He was just too hurt as he couldn’t even shed any tear on her funeral nor even in front of her tomb.

But once he went back to Seoul and walked in to his apartment, he realized how empty the house was. There was no one welcoming him anymore, there was no one nagging him for coming home so lately or because of soju scent that lingering around his body after him playing with his buddy for fun, no one asking him whether he wanted to shower or have dinner first, no one accompanying him around their dining table, and no one laying beside him on bed anymore in the night.

Every night, he would turn to his side and stared blankly at the empty space beside him. Although the bed was a king-sized, he still curled up on the right side as the usual side of him to sleep with her. Him on right and her on left. Then he’d unconsciously her pillow, imagining her still laying there with him, with her sweet smile she had before she had that diagnosis of her disease—he never saw her smiling again even until her very last time in this world, ever.

Every morning, he would wake up by turning to her side, mumbling in his half doused voice, calling her name, asking whether she had woken as well. But he only greeted by emptiness, by the empty space she left, by his delusion of her laying down there greeting him with her trademark smile.

He missed her smile. He missed her.

Every day, he’d go to his office, trying to forget her by drowning himself in work. At first, he managed to forget about losing her since working was lot easier than thinking about her over and over. But as years passed, and as much as he became a workaholic that wanted to use work as a way to keep him sane and not to think about his late wife, he couldn’t stop his mind from drifting to her again and again when he was home. He actually could move to another new apartment, but he didn’t want to forget his memory about her around the house, the memory of them being together. As if he wanted to prove to himself, that even thought she forgot about him in the end of her life, he still wanted to remember her. He was that egoist and conceited after all.

He wanted to forget his sadness, by remembering his sweet memory with her. He was that fool either, because what he did was only yearning and longing for her with tears all over his face. Though he knew that everything was not her fault, but he blamed her over and over for leaving him alone this fast. He resented her for not remembering him in her very last time. If she was still alive and still remembered him, he was sure that she might call him ‘pabo’ for the umpteenth time.

It was a coincident when he happened to meet with the doctor who was in charge of his wife four years ago this noon on his way to get lunch in his favorite café. They still remembered each other thus they could easily recall the last memory of his late wife—the memory he actually wanted to get rid off his mind—if only the doctor didn’t mention something which made him curious and stayed still to hear the story of her wife from his point of view.

“Anyway Sunggyu-ssi, your yellow necktie reminds me of your wife back then….”

He looked down at his yellow necktie he happened to wear that day, then turned back to the doctor in confuse.

“What’s wrong with my necktie and my wife?” he furrowed.

“I remember, back then, when I was going to check up her condition and I was happened to wear similar yellow necktie. She stared at me for a quite long time before she smiled so widely for the first time. I never know that she could smile that brightly before. I asked her what make her smiling so sincere that time, but she only asked me to give my yellow necktie to her. I’m sorry for telling you just now. I was about to tell you when she was about to deliver your baby as well. We were so panicked back then….”

Yellow necktie.

Actually, he didn’t hear the rest of his’s word anymore after he caught the mention of that very memorial thing of him and her.

Yellow necktie.

He remembered the moment he shared with her relating to that ‘yellow necktie’ topic six years ago. he remembered his nervous yet excited feeling toward her when he was about to say those magic words of their life….

He remembered how he was going to propose on her after his promotional intervew six years ago—but he ruined all of his plan that very morning, when she came over to his house to encourage him before his interview.

“Ji-yah, can you tie my necktie, pleaseeee?” he acted like a whiny big baby boy when he saw her poking her head from the doorframe to his room.

She rolled her eyes in annoyance but made her walk to his room anyway. He smirked smugly when she finally stood in front of him with a pout and both arms crossed above her chest.

“Eish, why can’t you just do it yourself, oppa?”

“Why do I have to do it when I have you?”

He noticed that she blushed, though she tried to hide it behind her harsh word, “Pabo.”

“Oh yes, I’m a pabo that you love, Ji.”

“Oh, shut up, Kim Sunggyu.”

“No, unless you tie it for me first, Jung Eunji.”

“Alright, I’ll do it. Just don’t say anything more,” she hissed while pulling him closer by his yellow necktie around his neck.

“You’re the best, babe,” he pecked her forehead before grinning in win. He bent down a bit so that the petite figure in front of him could reach his height easier. Though actually, he really love every moment when he could tower her petite figure because she looked naturally so cute that way.

He didn’t say any word to as he was watching how her face contorted into a more serious yet cute expression. Her brows furrowed as her eyes focused on tying the yellow necktie around his neck. She bit her lower lips as her usual habit every time she was concentrating on something. She looked so serious yet caring at same time, and he realized something, that this scene was a scene he wanted to picturesque every day in his life. Every day. In his life. With her inside it. With her accompanying him the rest of his time.

That very moment, he totally forgot what he had planned for today as he grabbed her hand and called her by her petname he made for her, “Jiji-yah….”

She looked up at him for a moment, tilting her head, asking him what he was going to say that moment. Her hands still busy gave her last touch on the necktie she draped around his collar.

“Ji…,” he called her again, never pried his eyes from a pretty pair of orbs in front of him.

She landed a pat on his chest, signaling that she has done tying his necktie. “Yes?”

“Let’s get married.”

She silent. He silent. He knew that he had ruined his own plan for today, for his entire life, as he saw her eyes got watery, tears already pooled on her underlids.

“Why? Did I say something wrong? Don’t you want to marry me, Ji?” he was panicked and mentally snapped his own head by the sight of her crying face. Never did in his life he would see Jung Eunji cried even once. It was her first time crying in front of him and he knew it eventually that he never wanted to see her crying anymore. Both of his hands reached up to cup her face and wiped her tears by his thumbs, his heart was sunk by every drop of tears she spilled down her cheeks.

“Sssh, I’m sorry Ji. I’m so sorry. Let’s just pretend I never said it if you don’t want—”

“Pabo. Of course I want to marry you! How could you…,” she manage to retort between her sobs and punched his chest lightly. How could he do his proposal without even getting down on his knee or taking her out somewhere, or ring, or with a sweeter word to propose? How could he win her heart just by his spontaneous yet nonchalant words of this unromantic proposal? How could he assume her tears as a rejection when they were the very happy tears of her? He is a pabo-dumb guy after all. A pabo that she loved.

“So, this is a ‘yes’?!” he couldn’t hide his happiness. She nodded and smiled as her answer, and he never regretted that slipped proposal he made for her for the rest of his life, ever.

He always remembered that moment.

And she did remember it as well.

Though she didn’t remember him physically, she remembered that yellow necktie, she remembered the moment he proposed to her, she remembered their love. She remembered.

She did remember.

And he had just noticed that fact, after blaming and resenting her for years. She was right, he was a fool, a dumb, a stupid pabo.

He was a pabo.

The moment he realized it, he eventually bid a farewell to that doctor because he was urged to go to somewhere he never visited these four years.

Her last resting place, her grave at Jeonju.

He managed to do a long drive from Seoul to his hometown for about four hours nonstop and reaching the graveyard in the afternoon, overriding his exhaust away.

He almost forgot where her block was and only walked as his own instinct, many things has changed here thus he needed to walk around looking for her precise location until he found it.

Kim (Jung) Eun Ji
1993 - 2019
Beloved daughter, wife, and mother.

He stopped in front of the headstone, just to realize that he was bringing nothing there. Not even a single flower, just as his own typical, a not so romantic lover. He remembered how she never protested or demanded him to get any rose or chocolate or any gifts for her as any other couple did when they had a date. Back then, he was not that rich either to buy her gifts every day. And he should thank her for understanding him all the time.

He should thank her for being with her until her very last time.

He should thank her for remembering a slightest memory of them in her very last time in this world.

He should apologize to her for being a pabo.

He should apologize to her for not bringing a flower to her grave.

He should apologize to her for being a narrow-minded person and for resenting her these four years.

He should apologize to her for not keeping his promise to make her happy and for just leaving her to struggle by herself when she was already dying.

He was that unworthy. he was that pabo.

“Ji-yah… I miss you.”

It’s been four time already, and he still couldn’t get over her. He just loved her, so much. And he missed her, too much.

“Ji-yah… J-ji… c-can you… can you tie my necktie, p-please?” he said between his sobs and tears while loosening his necktie messily and kneeling right in front of her gravestone, hoping for another chance to fix all of the mess he made all this time.

And as if his question was just eventually answered, his phone rang. He fished out his phone and picked the call which was from his very own mother.

“Yeoboseyo?”

“Gyu-yah, can you come to Jeonju just for a day?”

“I’m already in Jeonju, eomma. What’s going on?”

“Thank goodness, then. Can you go home now? Your daughter is sick, she got fever and really need her father….”

My daughter is sick.

Our daughter.

The only thing she left for him in this world, his very own daughter. How could he forget about the existence of her during these four years? How could he be an unworthy and irresponsible father all this time?

Was this an answer as his another chance to make up for everything stupid he did? Did Eunji listen to his plea just before?

He eventually drove on, continuing his long route from Seoul to Jeonju  to his parents’ house right after his mother called him for something so urge. He loosened his already loosed necktie, his very own memorable yellow necktie, and then he ed the top button of his shirt unhurriedly. The weather at the moment was so hot and forced him to set the air con inside his car to the fullest, drying down the trace of tears on his face. Though he was in a panicked state, he tried his best to drive his car carefully, as a certain someone used to remind him over and over.

A certain someone that might give another chance to him after his dumbness for these past years.

And that chance was another someone he was going to meet now.

The very prove of the love which was existed in his and her life.

His very own four years old abandoned daughter.

Their daughter.

Their daughter who sat up on her bed and stared awkwardly at him, the moment she met him for the first time, after four years passed.

“Appa?” she asked while tilting her head in a way that somehow reminded him of her.

“Yes, sweetheart. This is appa. I’m your appa…,” he tried not to cry anymore as he noticed how their daughter resembled her mother so much when she has grown up. He’d rather to smile, showing how thankful he was because she grew this well even without his guardianship. Though, she looked a bit pale because of her sickness as what her grandmother reported before.

“Appa!” she exclaimed as she jolted up and reached out for him, gesturing him to carry her on his arm.

He awkwardly carried her up until she met his eye level and they stared awkwardly at each other again for a moment. Out of nowhere, she innocently grabbed his messy necktie and fiddled with it before looking back at him then smiled. “My appa looks more handsome than in photo!” she exclaimed cheerfully, she was so happy to meet her father face to face for the first time.

Seeing her smile, he felt sure that she was her answer for his apology.

And that she never forgot him deep in her heart.

“For now on, I’ll make you happy, ddal-ah.”

He promised. And he would never forget his promise anymore.

He was going to fulfill his promise this time.

For his heartsick.

For their daughter.

And for her as well.

He didn’t want to be a crybaby-coward-pabo anymore.

***

A/N: Sorry for this messy long one-shot... My emotion is already so messy since yesterday tho... u_u *here I am being a distress damsel*

*eventually switchs the song to 'Ocean of Light' before everything getting worse*

Anyway, I miss NELL's comeback... Woollim, please. T^T