[PART ONE] JEONGMIN

“If I were to disappear from your side one day… would you hate me?”

You held my hand gently and caressed it lovingly. You stared deep into my eyes and gave me a warm tender smile. I love that eye smile of yours. The way your lips curved, the way your eyes squint, I love every single detail about you. Whether it’s something small and unimportant to others, I love everything about you.

To me, you are everything I could ask for. You treated me gently as if I was something fragile and precious. The love you poured out for me was more than I could hope for. You gave me more than anything I could wish for.

The warm embrace you engulfed me in making me feel safe and secured. The sweet kisses you showered me with to prove your undying love for me. Most of all, the way you held me when we made love. I love you for all that you are. I love you for all the things you gave me. I love you for accepting all of me when I couldn’t even accept myself.

The time I spent with you was such bliss. Your gentleness was something I can never forget. Your presence in my life was sweet yet bitter at the same time. If I were to let you go… I know it would be more frightening than death itself. You are everything I live for. Losing you is more painful than anything else in this world.

“I can never hate you. If you leave my side, all I have to do is find you and go after you. If I can’t find you, I’ll wait until you return right back into my arms. I’ll wait for you with arms wide open ready to welcome you at any given time. I’ll only love you and no one else. My heart belongs to you and you alone.”

You words, they echo deep inside my heart. Those words, I held on to it all this time. I prayed and hope that your words that day would remain true, but I know that was only a wishful thinking.

I left you not long afterwards. I ran away from this world, from my problems, and most of all, I ran away from you, the person I held closely in my heart. If you knew the truth, would you forgive me? I didn’t want to hurt you. I tried to make it less painful, but instead the pain I inflicted on you was more agonizing that I thought it would be.

For those days, month, and years I couldn’t see you, how much did I long to see you. To at least catch a glimpse of you. Even for just a second, I wanted to see you, but I didn’t have the courage to appear before you. I was scared. Scared that if I saw you again I wouldn’t be able to walk away from you the second time.

But now, here I am standing right in front of you.

“Jeongmin.”

You called out my name. Your voice, just how much did I miss it? The softness and tenderness of your voice, how much did I long for your sweet voice to call out my name once again. I was overwhelmed with emotions and feelings. I felt like crying but there was no way I could show you this weak side of mine. I want to remain as that Jeongmin who always had a smile painted on his face. I want your memories of me to be nothing but that.

“Annyeong Hyunseong-hyung.”

Finally I was able to call your name. Even though I would say your name repeatedly to myself every day, being able to call out your name right in front of you was overwhelming.

“It’s been a long time. How have you been?”

“I’ve been doing fine Hyung.” Lies. I wasn’t alright. I was far from being fine. I miss you.

“We should catch up sometime. Let me see your phone.” Without hesitation I gave him my mobile device and we exchanged numbers. “You’ve really changed.”

I’m not the only who changed. You too. You look better than before. There were a lot of things that I want to tell, but none of them are coming out. I want to say a lot of things to you. Did you find someone else already? Do you hate me? Will you forgive me for what I did? I want to explain myself to you, but I don’t have the guts to tell you the reason.

“Well I have to go Jeongmin. Someone’s waiting for me. See you around.”

Wait! Please don’t go. Just a little bit more. Just a bit more, stay for a while.

I saw you walking away from me. By reflex I gripped on your arm. I couldn’t let go. No. I didn’t want to let go. You might be thinking that I’m crazy already, but I just wanted you to stay for a little longer.

That moment when you faced me, I felt my heart beat faster. It was as if my heart was calling out to yours. I love you. Even now I still do. Without really thinking I leaned closer to you and connected our lips together. It was only for a quick second but that was all I needed. I pulled away and gave you the brightest smile I could manage then.

“I’m sorry and thank you.” That was all I could say.

I turned my back on you and began walking away. I walked away as fast as my feet would let me. I had to go far away from you before you see these tears that are falling from my eyes. I had to distance myself from you. I have to let go of you even though it hurts me so much.

I don’t have the right to be pitied by you. I don’t have the right to remain by your side. I don’t deserve your love, you care, and you forgiveness. I pray that you would forget me one day and just move on.

If we could meet again someday, I hope that our circumstances wouldn’t be like this. I love you. I really do. I will love you until the day I die.