-You did what!?- Jiyong yelled at his best friend, Youngbae, who was sitting on his studio’s chair. Jijyong, on the other hand, was standing in front of him, glaring at him and breathing hard. He couldn’t believe Youngbae acted like that, without even talking to him first.

From the rumor of his alleged personal IG account being leaked was passed almost a week. Seven days in which his precious maknae did everything he could to ignore and avoid the leader. And if there’s something Jiyong hates, is when his maknae keeps a distant between them without giving a reason.

At first he thought he was just busy: he missed some calls from Jiyong.

The third day, Jiyong started to get pissed off. They passed each other in the YG cafeteria and Jiyong couldn’t be more happy. Finally! He walked towards his maknae but when Seungri saw GD he flinched and then quickly turned and run in another direction.

-The hell..?- in that moment, Jiyong felt that there was something wrong. But, still, It didn’t cross his mind that maybe the rumor was the cause. To him the issue ended when YG released a statement clarifying that the account was fake.

The fifth day he yelled at him. They were practicing for a performance and Seungri kept missing a step. He let it go one, two, three times. At the fourth one he stopped the music, feeling all the nervousness of the previous 5 days building up, ready to explode.

-Why aren’t you even capable of doing such a simple thing!?- he regretted it the moment the last word slipped on his lips. Seungri face became pale as a ghost and he was almost expecting him to start crying but he endure it and just said a hissing “Sorry”.

The seventh day, he swallowed his pride and asked Youngbae for help. This is how he found out that the maknae thought that the rumor was true.

-You did what!?-

-I just wanted him to know from someone he trust and not from strangers or internet- BigBang’s lead vocal wasn’t scared of his best friend anger. He knew Jiyong for too long to be afraid of him.

-But it was fake!- Jiyong yelled again pointing at the computer screen – It was a ing fake account made by some stalker fan!-

-But the “my dear Kiko part was true, right?- now was Youngbae turn to be angry – You’re dating her, aren’t you?- he glared at his best friend, challenging him to deny  - Better, you’re using her like a life jacket. You pretend to be in love with her so that you don’t have to face your true feelings-

-Don’t say nonsense- JiYong tremble under the main vocal truth but his pride wouldn’t let him admit defeat – Say another word and…- he was cut off.

-And what, Ji? You’ll punch me? Go ahead…but this won’t change that I’m right- he finally stood up – Seungri knows too well that the account was fake. But he knows too well that the damn quote is real –

It was a moment: the second before they were facing each other, a mere meter divided them, and then JiYong fist collided with Youngbae face taking him by surprise and making him fall on his knees. Then JiYong stormed out of the room without saying a word.

Bull. What if Seungri knows? So what!? It’s not like I’m cheating on him or something. I don’t even love him.

He reached his Lamborghini and got in slamming the car door. He punched the wheel in a surge of anger, again and again, yelling his frustration out.

- you, Youngbae!- he then collapsed on the seat, leaning his head on it. Why did he have to say those words when he tried so hard to hide them in a remote corner of his mind?

How can he let himself love the maknae? How can he lays Seungri…no Big Bang career on the line because of his selfish love? He knew too well that the maknae loves him back but he can’t let himself waver because of it. Seungri loves BigBang so much. TOP, Daesung and Youngbae too. They may be apart most of the times now but they know that when one of them needs the other, they are always there. He tried to bury the pain and the love in his work, spending hours and hours in his studio recording and writing of his feelings. He even tried to rid them all by smoking. But in the end he just find himself with an arm around the maknae shoulders, with a fainting smile on his lips every time Seungri says something funny; cuddled in his bed hugging tight the Tom&Gerry pillow. So what was left him to do?

Kiko was there, available. She doesn’t care if he didn’t love her because at least, she has him. And she knows how to let him forget, even if it’s just for some hours during some lonely nights. He felt like crap every time, In the morning, he woke up in his bed with her sleeping quietly beside him. He felt crap when he meets Seungri just some hours after he has said her goodbye with a kiss. He felt crap when Seungri smiles him back and greets him with all his love.

-But what else should I do?-

He felt something warm running down his face. He tried to wipe the tears away but they kept falling and the more he tried to wipe them, the more they fell down.

A soft knock on the passenger window made him jump. He turned and he through the dark of the company’s car park he saw Youngbae. He opened the car door and the lead vocal got in. The courtesy light showed Youngbae cutted lips and swallow cheek.

-I’m not sorry- JiYong said looking at his best friend.

-I’m not here to ask you that- he answered back.

They stayed quiet for a while and JiYong was thankful for that. He needed his best friend presence now. Even if he was angry at him before, because, really, it wasn’t anyone fault but JiYong.

Minutes passed by like that and JiYong cried all the tears he had built up in those months; silently, without a sob. He just cried his love out. And when there were no more tears left, without even need to say a word, Youngbae left the car and JiYong drove out of the park.

He drove silently on Seoul’s roads following streets that he knew too well, passing places that reminded him of past sweet memories. And at each turn he locked his heart a little more, until he parked in front of a building.

He entered and took the elevator. The climb seemed eternal but finally the door opened and he walked towards the only door of the floor. He stopped in front of it and knocked three times. Light steps could be heard behind the door and then it was opened…

-Maknae ah…- he said and he could feel the last lock seal his heart – Can we talk?-

The black haired boy looked at his leader and hyung for a while, then nodded. He was expecting a visit. He didn’t think his behavior would be forgiven. He guided JiYong through the house even if the Dragon knew it like his. They sat on the sofa and there was silence for a while. Then, JiYong called him.

-Seunghyun-ah- he tried not to let his voice tremble. Seungri looked up and their eyes met -  I didn’t tell you this before because thing were just at the beginning and I wanted to be sure…- JiYong looked at Seungri attempt to keep a poker face and he wavered. For a moment there was a hesitation but then the chain around his heart tightened the grip. He took a deep breath – Now I am…- Their eyes were glued together.

– I love her, Seunghyun – it hurt.

 – I love Kiko – it hurt so much that both of them wanted to scream but no sound escaped their lips. They were so close on that sofa, yet JiYong felt that there was now an entire universe between them. He looked at his maknae eyes and he saw his pain, the same pain he was feeling and hiding. They stayed like that for a moment, then JiYong broke the eye contact and stood up. He passed over the maknae and went towards the front door. Each step was heavy and painful but he forced himself to keep walking. He reached the door and he went out. When he was closing it he heard something crash against a wall and fall to pieces.

Hate me, Ri, because I’d rather be the one hated by you than seeing you hurt by the hate of others because I selfishly choose to love you.