I sighed heavily as I stare at the mirror. There I can see remnants of my tears which I shed last night for the upteempt time since this whole cycle started.

I don't know when this whole started Liar. Of course you knew. You even marked it in your calendar. 

I don't know why this happened. Another Lie again. You knew exactly why this happened

I shook my head as I hear my thoughts going at each other. i must be crazy, i'm even talking to myself.

"Pudong-ah? You alright there?" I jolt as I heard Dara unnie's concerned voice outside of my door. I breathe deeply and answered, "Yes unnie. Just thinking about something that's all." I heard her sigh at my response. I smiled bitterly. Great. Now I'm even letting my members worry. "Pudong-ah Iif it gets too hard just stop okay? We'll always be here for you." I smiled at her words. If only it was that easy. If only... If only I don't love him that much. "Okay unnie. Don't worry about me" I said. I heard her sigh again before proceeding to walk. I felt myself tearing up again. Gosh, how many times do I need to cry for you?

I immediately grab the tissue at the make up table. Not now. Please, not now. I don't want them to hear me cry. I tilt my head upwards to avoid the tears from falling. It hurts so bad. I clomp my hands to my mouth as a sob escaped my lips. No. Please, I don't want them to worry again. I shut my eyes tight as the tears continued to flow. This has got to stop. So with one deep breathe I pull myself together. I fix my face and stare at the mirror again. 

"Alright Lee Chaerin. Get your act straight, and stop crying you look pathetic" i said and smiled sadly. This is so pathetic, i'm so pathetic. I breathe deeply and went out of the room. As I went out, I see minji slicing up some fruits in the kitchen and the two unnies arguing on what to watch. I smiled at the scene, today is one of the rare days where we can just stay home and do whatever we want. We normally spend these rare days together, just watching movies the whole day or if we decided to have some alone time we would just tell each other to enjoy the day and went on with our own plans.

Today, we decided to spend this day together in mine and dara unnie's dorm. I walk up to them and sat at the sofa, they immediately stopped fighting. They look at me and then to each other and we a slight twitch in their eyebrow they rush to to my side. These unnies really..

"Chaerin-ah, what do you think of the movie 'Gangnam Blues'? I heard that it was really good. Plus Lee Min Ho is in it, it'll definitely be a good movie!" I chuckled at her remark. This unnie really.. "Unnie are you sure your recommending this because it's good or it's because Lee Min Ho-ssi is in it?" She immediately blush and look down. Aigoo my unnie is completely caught. "Chaerinnie, you already know the answer to that" I immediately burst out laughing. "Aigoo Unnie, Min Ho-ssi really got you hooked eh?" Unnie just beamed at me and stare at me with her 'puppy dog eyes'

"Oh no Park Bom, you are not winning this battle that easily" Dara unnie said. She then stood up and grab me by my shoulder. I stare at her and blinked my eyes in confusion. "Pudong-ah, wifey, you love unnie right?" i was going to answer when she cut me off, "I know you do no need to answer that." I laughed at her act. This unnie never fail to make me laugh. "So Pudong-ah, since you love me and I love you too hihi ^^ How about watching 'Miracle in cell no.7' instead?" Bommie unnie was puting at the sideline while Dara unnie was smiling triumptly.

"But unnie, you have seen that movie countless of times" Minji said as she entered the living room with a platter of sliced fruits. Minji is really glowing these past few days. My maknae is growing so fast. "Minji!! I knew i'm your favorite unnie" Bom unnie said as she enveloped minji in a bear hug. I laugh as minji struggled to get out of unnie's grip. No one can get out of Park Bom's bear hug. I repeat NO.ONE. "U-unnie i-i-i c-cant b-breathe." By now minji is gasping for air. I decided to cut her some slack and pried unnie of her. Minji then ran and hide behind me. "Aigoo unnie, you scared minji." I said while patting minji's head. Bom unnie just pout and cross her arm.

*click* 

We all turn our heads and found Dara unnie smiling while taking a photo of us. "Sorry, I just felt like it's been a while since we gathered together like this." A chorus of "aaw" is heard from minji and unnie, then they tackled Dara unnie to the ground. I just smiled softly at them. I wish everyday would be like this, no worries just complete happiness. "Aigoo Chaerin-ah, no wonder your fanboys are going crazy about you. Just your smile is enough to make the butterflies fly." I snap back to reality by bom unnie's words. I was so immensed in my thoughts that I didn't notice that they're already up on their feet and are now sending me their teasing looks. "Aigoo Unnie. Don't start" I said and chuckled. "Aigoo Pudong-ah, I really wish that you'll keep on smiling like that" Dara unnie said. Bom unnie and minji nod and smile at me. I returned their smile, "I also wish for that to happen unnie." I felt tears gathering in my eyes and the other three members immediately went to me and hug me. I'm really thankful that I have them, at least I have people who truly love me.

"Aigoo let's stop this drama scene. Anyway let's just watch the two movies unnies. We'll go with Dara unnie's first then after that we'll watch bommie unnie's suggestion. How 'bout it?" I said as we free ourselves from  the group hug. I was surprised to see tears gathering in their eyes as well. "Aigoo my girls are so sweet" I said as I wipe the tears from their eyes. I should really stop worrying them. I smiled once more before pulling them to sit down at the sofa. 

"Alright unnie, let's go watch that movie" I said. Dara unnie then went to plug in the disc and we started watching. I can't help but smile at their reactions. One minute they were laughing and smiling then the next minute they are crying. Well, aren't you like that as well, Lee Chaerin? In your real life I mean. My smile instanly fade away from my face. I shook my head and bow my head down. And just like that I fell again. I fell to that deep abyss. To that same cycle that I really want to break away from.

Here we go again..

With my head hung low, I remember the memories again. I remember how I felt when you lay your eyes on me, how I felt whenever your skin brushes into mine, how I felt when I thought we were finally progressing and how I felt when I finally knew the truth. Just like that I returned to that pathetic woman I become because of you, I returned to that hole that you created inside of me. I want to forget you, I really do but somehow there's this stupid part of me that won't let go. So tell me, for how long do I need to do this? Because i don't think i can do this anymore.

"Unnie?" I broke out of my reverie to find my girls staring at me with concern. Sh*t! I must have looked like a fool right now. "Unnie are you okay?" Minji asked. I looked at her and smile, or at least I tried to. "Yeah. I'm okay minji" I said. Fortunately my voice didn't quiver and it sounded normal so I guess i'm off th hook now.
"Then why are you crying Pudong-ah?" What? I'm what? I touch my cheek and it was wet. Now what am I going to say? Damn chaerin! I told you to get your act straight. "Ah. I-it was b-because of the ahm.. the movie unnie. Right, it was because of the movie unnie. See? It is really sad." I said while pointing at the scene. Phew it's a good thing that we were watching a sad movie right now. "But chae-ah, this is a funny scene. See? that man is the 'boss' in the cell and he doesn't know how to write so they were teaching them but when the 'boss' couldn't get it ride they will scold him real bad as if they were the boss and not the man. This was supposed to be a funny scene chae."

I didn't have anything to say so I just stared blankly at bommie unnie. They were looking at me with concern, damnit! Now I made them worry. Why can't I do anything right? "Chae, this is about jiyong right?" I can feel my eyes heat up just from the mention of his name. Gosh! How pathetic can I possibly be? I shook my head and tried to smilr. "N-no u-unnie. I'm okay. Really, I'am. I'm okay, I'm o--" Sobs came out of my lips and no matter how I tried to control them, they wouldn't stop. They just get louder and louder. "Chaerinnie, I know you want to be a responsible leader but you are human too. Screw that leader rule, talk to us please." Bommie unnie said. I looked at her eyes and I can see sincerity in them. Just once, maybe it's okay not to be okay.

"I-i don't know what to do anymore unnie. It hurts.so bad to see him with her, but what hurts more is the truth that he used me. And I want to stop these feelings but I can't. I want to hate him, but i can't. What should I do unnie? What should I do?" I cried out. They didn't say anything for a minute but then I felt myself being enveloped in a tight group hug. I cried even harder. "You know chae, sometimes we need to let go. Not for them to be happy, but for yourself to be happy. You have your limits too chae and I think you have reached it." Dara unnie said. I hugged them tight and cry my hearts out. Yeah, maybe this is the end. I guess this is it, this all that there is for us. Oh scratch that, for you and me I mean.

----

"Pudong-ah, remember if you need anything, we're just one phonecall away okay?" I nodded and watch them get out of the room. Once they were out i went inside my room. I don't know why i'm doing this but maybe this is my own way of closure. I take a look at the room and I immediately remember all the memories that we shared in this room. I'm gonna prentend that your here oppa, just for tonight, let me tell you how I truly feel.

"This place holds a lot of  our memories right oppa?" I said to no one in particularly. I took a step at the vanity mirror, and saw the ring that you gave me. i took it out of the box and held it up. "The first ever present that you gave me oppa. This one caused quite a  stir among the fans." I chuckled remembering how YG scolded us when the issue was brought up. "That was one hell of a scolding." I picked up a big box at the corner of my room and place it at my bed. Then, with one last look at the ring, I placed it inside of the box. Next, I went to the closet and opened it.

"Do you remember all these clothes oppa? Half of them are from you as gifts and the other half are the clothes that you left everytime you would come and sleep in here. We would talk about random things up until we fall asleep without us knowing. You might not remeber these small things oppa but they are very important to me." I picked up all the clothes and fold them nicely. And with one last look, I put them inside the box. I did the same to the other things. After a good 30 minutes my room was almost empty and the big box is booming with all of the stuff that i put. "I'm gonna need another box for the others." I smiled bitterly. 

If only I didn't tell you how i felt then this stupid thing wouldn't have happened. If only you never knew how much I love, if only you never knew that i cannot say 'no' to you, if only.. if only i didn't love you. But unfortunately, I did and you took that for granted. It started back at the year 2012 right oppa? It was January 13, 2012 when I finally decided to tell you how I felt. I was nervous of course, because if you don't feel the same then I will also lose our friendship but know what oppa? My feelings for you were too strong to control. It's like a river, it kept on flowing. But then the unexpected happened, you responded to my feelings. You told me that you love me too but because I still have a dating ban, we decided to just be 'exclusively dating' for the mean time.   

Everything was perfect. You planned a surprise birthday party for me, along with the girls, YG Family and the Nuthang crew. I was the happiest person that time because somehow I felt that you truly do love me. As months passed you grew hot and cold. Sometimes your so sweet and sometimes you won't contact me at all, and if i try to contact you, you would always say you're busy. But again i let it slide, what can I do? i love you that much. Do you remember the Ambush launch party? I was so surprised when you called me and told me to come to your event but nevertheless I still came. You were so sweet that night. You would hold my hand in public, put your arms around my waist and again, i fell into your trap again. We were doing good for quite a while, but then Christmas came. I was going to surprise you actually, but when I got to your house you were not there so I waited for you in the studio but you never came. What did came is the news that you were with her again in Phuket, Thailand. I didn't know what to do because we were not official yet so I just cried the whole day. Thank you for the Christmas gift Ji.

Then when you came back I tried avoiding you as much as I can. If I knew that you are in the studio then I won't go anywhere near it. I also ignore your texts and calls, but then you sent a message that I couldn't ignore. Do you remember what you said? You said, "I need you Chae. I really really need you. let's talk please don't ignore me." And so I decided to talk to you but once I went inside your studio I didn't have any chance to speak because you hugged me right away. You hugged me like you were afraid of losing me and I became the foolish Lee Chaerin again. I forgived you again. After that, you were back to being the sweet Kwon jiyong again and I was happy but I know that it won't last long because I saw the reason why you needed me that time. 

I knew the reason behind it, but I still decided stay because I thought that you would fall for me eventually. Then at the New year, you were missing again. Same old pattern. Gone. Not answering my call and texts. Me spending a supposed to be special occasion alone in my room. That time I knew what was going on but I just didn't want to believe it. Then 2013 came. Remember our trip to London Ji? That was by far the most awesome night in my life. We were touring the city not caring about other people. Just you and me, nobody's invited. 2013 is the most valuable year for me because it's the year that we got to spend most of our time together, you were just right there. No ignoring, no cold war but everything went crashing down when I heard you talking to her on the phone in your studio. Do you remember it Ji? Because I remember it vividly. The day you confirmed everything.

"Don't worry Babe. No one's going to bash you, all the focus is in Chaerin right now. She got it all covered"

That was the last strike for me, and finally I freed myself from your claws. When I called it 'quits' I was crying real bad but you? You were just sitting ther in your chair looking at me as if you can't wait for it to be over. That's when I knew that you didn't love me. Not even a bit. For you I was just an instrument to protect the one you truly love. I was the escape goat, the second choice and I decided to accept that.

But here we go again.

You got found out again. This time it's because of that damned video you uploaded on your private instagram. You called her honey, and you know what? i still cried even though I knew that i can never have you. I knew that but it still hurts like hell. And here you are again, banging on my front door asking for my help. I let you in and you immediately beg me to cover up for her.

"Then what about me?"

"Chae, please. I don't want her to be hurt. You know how fans can be, i'm sorry if i hurt you i--

"Okay. It's okay. I'm okay" Your eyes brightened and you look at me as if i'm a saint. i scoff

"Really chae? I'm s--"

"Is that what you want me to say?" Your face immediately fall. Guess you never expected me to disagree eh?

"Chae. look i'll do anything for y--"

"Damn it GD! I'm not a machine, I also have feelings and just because i'm used to the pain doesn't mean that I don't feel it anymore. I still feel it, and how I wish they would just go away because right now it feels like the same cycle is happening again.

"Chae"

"I'm sorry GD but I can't anymore. Sorry." I walk to my room and cried again. It's the same cycle over and over again.

2012, the year after your first scandal with her. The year where I confessed to you and you accepted

            You two got exposed, you used me for her

December 2012, she broke up with you through text right after your Christmas escapade because of the bashers, The day you told me you needed me.

            She hurts you, you come to me

New year 2012, she came to korea to celebrate with you. The day you went missing without a single text or call

            I heal you, you go back to her

2013, the year I heard you say those words. The year that you were always by my side.

           I cover up for her, you left me for her again..

2014, you two got exposed again, you came to me for help

HERE WE GO AGAIN... SAME CYCLE, SAME SH!T. 

"IT'S OKAY. I'M OKAY IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY?"

---

Annyeong!!! I made this in a rush so it's not that good. I might edit it after I update the 'Betrayal. Man! The projects were killing me anyway, glad it's over :D So.. ahm.. yeah XD Enjoy! Ciao~