Our first meeting wasn’t special. I just heard that there will be a new non-Korean debuting from our company. I honestly thought it would be another Chinese person or maybe an English speaking Korean like the Jung sisters. I never I expected it would be you.

Henry Lau.

That was what you mumbled while everybody was trying so hard to talk to you in Kongrish. Everyone was so bubbly as they greet you. You looked funny then, so shy and fidgeting like a lost kid. That was why when I approached you with a sentence you completely understood, the brightness in your face was so precious. I wish I had a camera and captured it forever. Somehow, in that moment, we knew that we would be great friends. Like dude, we totally blocked everyone as we talk in endless English! Believe me, it was a relief to finally take a break from all the Hangul.

After all the introductions and stories were shared, you asked me for lunch. I was baffled and I got shy and scared. I mean, no one has ever asked me for lunch before. Well yeah, my members did. But this time it was you. I almost said yes, thinking that this might spark something between us but I chickened out and made up a lame excuse.

I knew you were so hurt then, thinking of all the missed opportunities because I said no. But I walked away feeling emptier than you did.

It wasn’t that a big of a loss however. We still got to know each other and developed a friendship between us. I know that you look forward to hanging out with me because thats how I felt with you. Whether we eat out or just jam to music, it would be full of smiles and laughter. It was like we existed in our own world. Just the two of us. No complex issues. No press. No fans. No family members that we miss. Just us and the butterflies in our tummies.

“You know you guys could really be a couple.” Eunhyuk oppa once told us as we bicker over the last slice of pizza. I blushed and I saw the same tint of pink on your cheeks. I wanted to agree with him and see what you would say but you spoke first saying, “Hyung, don’t be like that. We’re just friends.” I agree with everyone else that was the worst lie of the century.

I have thought of our relationship countless of times, most of the time before I go to bed. You know how melancholic the night is for us. We used to share our dreams and fears whenever we stayed up late. How we wish to change things and think of things that we should be doing to keep our life on track. And so as I lie down that night, I thought about you. I thought of you as someone who I dreamed to be with. I thought of you as someone who I fear that I might lose. I wanted to erase this "friends" title that we call each other. I wanted to be more than your friend and be your lover. I thought of how frustrating it was to waste hours of sleep because of you. I mean, we talk for hours so why can’t I tell you three simple words?

Henry Lau, I love you. And you have the right to know, right?

Unfortunately, things did not work out like I planned them to be. I told Donghae hyung about my feelings and you caught us at the bad moment. You asked what were we up to, being alone in a deserted dance room when everyone else went home. I swallowed nervously and looked at Donghae hyung for salvation. I shouldn’t have trusted his five year old brain though. “Yo Henry you should just go home. Because Amber…” he said while flinging his arm around my shoulders. “She is mine.” Seriously man, you were a fool to believe it. Donghae hyung was only trying to make you jealous to know if you liked me too. You should have known of all people that we were just friends and nothing else. For ’s sake, he calls me his little sister!

So that was why I thought you were just getting even when I saw you kissing a girl in a club once. I know I was the one who told you that parties can be a good way to forget about everything else and just have fun. Honestly, I did that so we can get drunk and just dance around, forgetting whatever feelings we have and just enjoy each other without thinking of anything else. But I guess in a club, things just happen and you have to deal with it like the hangover you get in the morning.

I was in a hurry to go home that night, blinking away the tears while I get soaked under the pouring rain. I remembered how you yanked my arm and asked me what was wrong. I almost told you I loved you. I almost told you that it hurt seeing you with someone else. I almost hugged you and kissed you to make you mine. But I just smiled and said, “you should go enjoy your party”, and went home, embracing the reality that I would never get a good night sleep again.

Many things have had happened after that incident. Hidden feelings. What ifs. Almosts and maybes.

Now, you asked me to meet you in a secluded place near the Han River where we once found solace after a wild party reeking with the smell of alcohol and smoke. It happened all of a sudden, like the quick kiss we shared that night. The only difference was I was fully aware that your arms were wrapped around me and your warmth was enveloping my body.

Now that everything is part of the past, it is time to go back to where we came from. You will go home to Canada while I fly back to America. We will be two worlds apart. But right here in each other’s arms, we almost know what love is. I almost knew how it is to be yours, and how I almost made you mine. I almost told you how much you mean to me and you almost told me that you felt the same way. You almost told me how much we have wasted time and I almost agreed and said that we can make up for the things that we missed.

But almost will never be enough.