Chanyeol hates the echo that follows after an all-too-familiar door slam. The anger induced into the force of it burns; the usual searing pain pounding somewhere in his chest. The silence left behind is almost unbearable and he feels nothing but simply empty, completely deflated. The white walls of his home turn their back on him, wanting to leave him in peace, but he hates it all. His chest goes numb at the same time he feels his heart break and he slides down on the wall, banging his head along it repeatedly.

This is the fifth time they’ve fought this week but the first time one of them has walked out on the other. Their other fights were tame, all over almost nothings (forgetting to wash the dishes, taking out the trash at the last minute, mixing red socks with the whites) but nothing could compare to how loud the voices were raised this time and how quickly the tears began to form in their eyes. The tiny fights usually resulted in the cold shoulder, dishes left in the sink as punishment - but reconciliation in the form of silent backhugs and presented warmth always followed at the end of the day. The only big difference is, this time, they were pushed further apart. One of them left without a word, no goodbye but no I’ll be back later either.

They both hate it, they know that much. They just can’t help it.

His phone starts ringing in his pocket but he lacks the energy to reach inside and answer it yet he he suddenly thinks - what if its him? At the sudden thought, the thought of him, he immediately pulls it out. Disappointment looms over him as he stares at the name on the screen. It's not him. Eventually, he throws the phone into the furthest corner of the living room, unable to find the strength to care anymore.

If it isn’t him, I don’t want it to be anyone else.

He pulls his knees up to his chest and rests his head on them. He closes his eyes tight and it reminds him of his childhood, how he would always use this to comfort himself when he was stuck in the middle of his parents fighting. The tears he wants to cry are lodged in his throat, unable to choke them out no matter how much his heart hurts.

“Baekhyun,” he sighs, fighting every urge to scream, knowing the solid blank walls would just reflect his pain back at him to mock him. “I’m sorry.”

But if only if such words were enough to make him stay.

The same silence he suffered through the night greets him the next morning as he makes his way into the kitchen. The apartment is bare of all its furniture and belongings in Chanyeol’s eyes. Without Baekhyun’s presence, everything is bland to the eye and he couldn’t care less about his surroundings. There is no meaning without his other half here with him. The tiles beneath his feet are cold but the eyes in the picture frames on the wall are even colder. His appetite disappears upon seeing the empty dining room table, void of the breakfast his other half would usually cook for him. Instead, there are ingredients laid out on the counter beside the fridge. He flinches, heart feeling the familiar pang of pain. He doesn’t eat breakfast.

Even eating loses its meaning as soon as they're apart.

Baekhyun doesn’t return until late at night. Chanyeol’s on his way back from an aimless trip to the local supermarket when he sees the lights on in their bedroom window. He frowns, deciding to turn his back on their house. He can’t find the heart to go back just yet, not even when his heart yearns to see Baekhyun the most. He can’t face him, despite wanting to see him the entire day. It's a dangerous game of push and pull his heart plays on him - he longs, but holds back.

It’s lucky they live by the beach. Two years ago, Baekhyun had found a dainty little house that stood near the coast, where the view was always blue and wonderful with an entire sea beyond your eyes and a striped lighthouse before the waters. From their bedroom window, they watched sunsets and sunrises with blankets wrapped around them as they savoured the red and orange hues of light. Chanyeol will always remember how beautiful the colours were as their reflections rippled on the water but he will never forget how breathtaking Baekhyun looked as he admired the view. That will always be the best view for Chanyeol.

On bad days, Chanyeol takes strolls along the beach. It’s usually empty except for in the summer. He uses it as an outlet to clear his head of all the terrible thoughts whenever they arise, whether they're because of Baekhyun or not. It’s different this time. They’ve never been this distant before.

Chanyeol appreciates the speckles of water playing at his ankles, cold but soothing. His heart feels heavy with the burden of regret. It’s never been this hard, but then again Chanyeol’s never broken Baekhyun’s heart with words before. The anger in his voice as he had yelled you don’t care about anything else but yourself - you never have, you never will! at Baekhyun is still fresh in his mind and he could still feel his anger on the roof of his mouth, almost engraved into his very being. His stomach turns at the endless thoughts.

Hours into the night pass as Chanyeol remains reluctant to go back home. It’s not fair on Baekhyun to keep the distance, but Chanyeol knows its what they both need after a terrible afternoon. He’s about to return ten minutes before midnight when his eyes catch sight of a white glint lying beside night’s waters. Instinctively, he walks over with his innate curiosity to see what it was - and he sees a black book, bound in what feels like leather as Chanyeol crouches to pick it up, saving it from the incoming sea. He flips it around in his hands and studies it, wondering thoughts filling him. The front, cover and back is completely covered in leather but by the dog-eared pages and crumpled pieces of paper wedged into the book, Chanyeol can tell its lost its expensive quality. He keeps hold of it as he walks back to the bank of dry sand, going through ways he could apologise to Baekhyun without initiating another argument in his head.

Still reluctant to return to his longed-for bed, Chanyeol decides to stay downstairs to prepare himself, feeling at a loss of courage to go upstairs. There’s a steaming mug of tea on the kitchen table and his heart almost flips in its cage. It hasn’t been sitting out there long, so Baekhyun is still awake. Waiting for me, he thinks.

The book he picked up from the beach is perched on the table as he sits, wrapping a grateful hand around the mug. He opens the cover to the very first page - and his eyes widen at the scruffy writing printed on the page with slightly smudged ink. He manages to make out things i wanted to say but never did from the writing before snapping it shut.

Is it someone’s diary? He suddenly feels guilty for picking up what seems to already belong to someone - a person’s most inner thoughts and feelings laid out, abandoned as a release. Yet his fingers itch for the pages that follow and he finds himself wondering who it could belong to, where it came from and what it could possibly say. He tries to swallow the guilt that threatens to add onto the overwhelming weight on his shoulders, pushing the book away past his mug.

He downs the tea in one go, ignoring the heated pain scratching at his throat. His heart lightens a minute load in his chest after he empties the mug, thinking of Baekhyun and how there’s still a spot of forgiveness somewhere in their mess. He eventually goes upstairs, both expecting and dreading a back turned away from him and no space on the bed, but what he gets surprises him rather massively.

Baekhyun is sleeping - or at least, by the steady breathing Chanyeol sees in the dim light, he thinks he is - with his body curled in its usual position, waiting for Chanyeol’s warmth to encase him in their routine embrace. His regular place in their bed is open, waiting. Chanyeol sighs in relief, the weight on his shoulders lessening by the second. As he slips under the covers, wondering if it’d be right to touch Baekhyun again, he feels Baekhyun’s breathing stop for a second. Chanyeol smiles, scooting closer and closer until their bodies are touching.

Somewhere in the dark, he feels Baekhyun’s soft touch grab his arm to wrap around himself. Chanyeol, choosing to forget the events of today for more than a single moment, thinks that’s there’s hope for them after all.

The diary contains the secrets and thoughts of someone named Oh Sehun, which Chanyeol finds out the next morning over breakfast with Baekhyun. He feels himself to be forgiven by the latter as Baekhyun takes the (not very well) cooked breakfast Chanyeol prepared for him and sat down next to his other half. They refuse to talk about yesterday, choosing to dust the tension underneath the floor tiles and just move on. Chanyeol tells Baekhyun of the diary he found and the smaller man rolls his eyes when Chanyeol tells him that he was about to open it.

“Your eyes never fail to miss anything,” Baekhyun tells him before placing his dish in the sink (definitely for Chanyeol clean up). He reaches for the jacket as Chanyeol comes out of their room with and the taller of the two offers to put it on for him. Baekhyun tries to hide his blushes but Chanyeol really does see all. They kiss each other a see you later and Baekhyun leaves for the day. It’s strange how normal everything feels. He knows it won’t last permanently, that there’ll always be an obstacle somewhere along the way, but he decides to cherish every moment they don’t spend voicing out their conflicts and revelling in the love they have for each other.

The emptiness of their home dissolves into the lively walls. Baekhyun is still here, somehow, with Chanyeol, and that's how he knows that today will be a good day.

The diary now sits on Chanyeol’s lap as he makes himself comfortable on the couch. His fingers trace the random marks engraved on the cover and the thought that he could possibly be intruding on someone else’s life hits him hard. However, the poetic side of Chanyeol truthfully believes that everybody’s life is a great story to read, whether it’s a completed story or not. So, with a light heart and mind, he shrugs and flips the cover open.

this must be our one hundred and twentieth fight in the period of two years and four months that we’ve been together. i don’t understand how we get into these things or why we’re like this, but it kills me more than a little inside everytime you walk out the door. how long will it be until our storm calms down this time?

i wonder where you go off to when you walk away, sometimes. i know you’ll never run into someone else’s arms because i know my hyung isn’t like that. i trust you, lu. but it worries me when you don’t come until early in the morning, when i’m just waking up and you’re about to go to sleep. the other day, you yelled at me for forgetting to pick you up from work. i was really, really sorry that time. jongin is a little , you know. he kept me behind, wanting to perfect our dance. i hate it sometimes. i’m still sorry, even now after you’ve forgiven me for that day. you told me ‘you never consider others and their feelings, sehun!’ and i was hurt. but deep down, i knew it was true. you always tell me my faults but i already know all of them. i’m hopeless, i know...but you still stay with me. it hurts the most when you sit down on the couch opposite me, looking away as if you can’t stand the sight of me, but it goes away when you pulls me into your arms and hug me until i can hardly breathe. i’m really sorry that i’m such a silly kid, hyung. all i want is to make you happy but i can’t even do it. i don’t want to give you up, though. please don’t give me up either.

please don’t give up on me.

Chanyeol doesn’t realise he’s crying until the tears jump out of his eyes and onto the pages, smudging messy ink until it bleeds into the corner. There’s something in his chest - a pain more prominent than ever - that really hits him and it tears open his lungs from the inside until he’s sobbing breathlessly. The book falls out of his hand as he buries his face into the cushions, crying for a soul he’s never even met before but suddenly feels this insane connection with.

As his head echo the words back at him, the image of Sehun and the boy he loves, Luhan, fade into blurs only to be replaced by his and Baekhyun’s faces. He can clearly imagine Baekhyun being the one to write the entry, pouring his heart onto coffee-stained pages after a fight caused by his own words. He can imagine being Luhan, sitting silently in the house he calls home with Baekhyun, unable to meet eyes because of an innate disgust. It makes him sick, how the words hit him deep and how reality punches him in the gut twice as hard.

He will not let his relationship go wrong.

Baekhyun returns home just in time for dinner, which Chanyeol had spent the entire afternoon cooking. He knows its not much, it’s just a normal roast dinner with soggy potatoes and slightly pink beef, but all he wants is to sit down with Baekhyun for the night and talk about things that don’t make them angry. He figures he’s even more forgiven than before if Baekhyun manages to down the potatoes without a displeased face.

“What’s the occasion?” Baekhyun asks with a raised eyebrow.

Chanyeol shrugs, “Just a welcome home.”

Baekhyun nods, moving over to sit in his usual seat on the table. “A little too fancy for a small welcome home but if you’ve spent the afternoon gruelling over the stove for this then I’m happy. Thank you, Yeol.”

“It’s nothing really…” Chanyeol sits opposite him.

The other stares at him intently but he can’t bring himself to meet his eyes. Baekhyun sighs, picking up his cutlery to dig in. “You know, if this is about yesterday, it’s alright.”

“Baek -”

“It’s normal to fight like this. It’s normal to feel sorry and awkward afterwards. I understand and all I want is for us to get closer because of it, not to let it drag us apart.”

Chanyeol remains silent, unable to respond. His heart warms at the words but his shoulders still feel heavy with the burden of guilt. Baekhyun puts down his fork and swallows his food, reaching his hand over the table to hold Chanyeol’s.

He smiles. “Please don’t worry about it. I love you, Chanyeol.”

The guilt does not leave.

on days like this, we’d leave common sense behind and go on a date without an umbrella. we’d rush out of the door and run to wherever your instincts would tell you to go. i’d follow you, of course, like always, without a second thought. i didn’t care where you’d bring us, just the fact i was with you, holding your hand, was enough.

you led us to a cave today, by the sea where the waves crashed close to us. we just stood there, not doing anything. even if we were doing nothing, i was with you and it will always be enough. i saw you smile at the waves as they tried catching us and it made me smile too. i remember you once told me that they reminded you of how the world works. when the waves are violent, the world is violent. when the waves are calm, the world is (almost) calm. today they are caught in between, an empty space you liked to call normal. like the world...are we like that too?

when we were going back to our place, you asked me if i wished we had an umbrella. i couldn’t stop cursing at the rain. i shook my head because no, because if i had an umbrella i wouldn’t be able to cup your face in my hands and kiss you. which is exactly what i did. you blushed and called me stupid but held my hand all the way home anyway. days like this are my favourite. when we’re caught in the in between, as long as it’s you and me then i don’t care where it takes us next.

"The rain really doesn't shut up these days." Chanyeol mutters. 

Baekhyun brushes Chanyeol’s unruly brown hair with his fingers as the man lies on his lap, book raised above him for reading. He watches Chanyeol’s eyebrows scrunch up every time he struggles to read the handwriting and smiles at the sight of him in all his natural beauty.

“Just like you, then." Baekhyun snorts. "So, what have you found out so far?”

Chanyeol’s mouth twitches into a frown. “So far, this boy has a lot of things he’s never told Luhan and I’m finding it hard to imagine their relationship. He can’t tell the guy he loves what he wants to say, yet continues loving him that way. I don’t get it.”

Baekhyun laughs. Chanyeol lets it ring in his ear to keep forever. “Kind of like us, right?”

His frown deepens. “Is that what we’re like? I’ve found similarities in them with us but…” he looks up and into the other’s eyes. “I don’t want to be the same.”

“Every love has its similarities to others but they’re also very different. You and I, we’re not like this Sehun and Luhan, okay?” Baekhyun smiles in reassurance.

Chanyeol isn’t very assured that they’re entirely different, but he trusts his other half’s words anyway. He just can’t help thinking what if one day I’ll be the one writing a book like this? Or worse - it’s Baekhyun who does instead?

“Your words never fail to make me happy but they also make me sad sometimes. It’s alright, though.” Baekhyun’s smile gets wider and Chanyeol’s favourite eyesmile comes into view. “I will always love you regardless of what you say.”

Chanyeol takes the feeling of being content and fills the gaps in his heart with it, admiring Baekhyun's beauty and feeling lucky to have the honour of being with someone as wonderful as him. He smiles back, reaching for Baekhyun's hand and squeezing it. The other tightens his hold and brings it up to his lips, planting a soft kiss on Chanyeol's palm.

As he feels his favourite jolt of electricity run spark on the surface and run through his veins, his smile gets wider. "How do you feel about going on a date in the rain?"

at my university graduation, you came with your friends and surprised me with flowers and endless kisses while the rest congratulated me with pats on the back. i was so, so, so happy, hyung! you wore the bestest smile out of them all that i could see you from all the way at the back while i was getting my diploma. god, i can still remember that smile. it’s been a little over a year since that day but when you came to see me at work today, i was reminded of it. you walked in after ignoring jongin’s loud catcalls (which is one of the reasons why i love you) and told me you wanted to see me because you missed me.

i miss you on days when you’re on business trips. on days when you’re in china visiting family. on days when you’re playing soccer with minseok hyung. on days when you’re in the room next to me, waiting for our latest storm to blow over and calm our oceans. i miss you the most on days when you’re right next to me but feel so distant and so cold.

i have loved you for eight years and three months now. and i’m still counting. you’ve loved me for less because i’ve always been a child in your eyes, right? i’m a man now, hyung. i love you with all that i am. have you stopped seeing me as a child yet?

“Baek, how long have we been together?” Chanyeol asks out of the blue while hanging up laundry with Baekhyun.

The latter doesn’t hesitate in answering. “Four years, eight months and three weeks. But we’ve known each other since childhood, so it would be longer if you count all those years.”

Chanyeol perks up at the answer, reaching for his clothes in the pile. Baekhyun hums while he puts them up on the line and Chanyeol watches him, admiring every tune and melody carried out. “I’ve had a thing for you ever since middle school.”

“You were such a child back then,” Baekhyun laughs. “Chanyeol the troublemaker who wouldn’t stop bugging me about every little thing and crying when he couldn’t get what he wanted. I can say it hasn’t changed much since then and you’re a grown man now.”

Chanyeol frowns. “Do you still see me as a child?”

The other smiles thoughtfully. “Sometimes. Only because I don’t want to lose the love we had in our youth. We’re both very capable adults now but I keep that love with me because I don’t want to forget how we grew up.”

“Can I ask you something?” Baekhyun hums in response. Chanyeol bites his lip, wondering why he’s suddenly so interested in all the things Sehun writes about. “Do you miss me?"

“What kind of question is that?”

“A weird one, I know - but do you? When I’m not with you or when I am with you…”

Baekhyun laughs, grabbing Chanyeol’s hand and entwining their fingers together. Their fingertips leave burning trails as they touch. “Always. Just like how I love you, I miss you all the time because there are some things that go missing even when we’re together. Like your attention span when you see that band you like on TV...or your appetite when I put chilli in your food.”

“I don’t understand that at all…” Chanyeol scratches his head. Baekhyun leans forward to peck him on the cheek and his eyes widen in surprise.

“Chanyeol, please. You’ve been reading too much of that book.”

hyung, i know you love disney and that their movies are very touching but do you need to cry every time we watch the little mermaid...every one of them has a happy ending, anyway. i would watch frozen with you but kyungsoo hyung tells me jongin cried like a baby and although i know how much you dislike being similar to jongin, i know the amount of tears you both hold. do you cry because they make you sad or because you’re touched at their happy ending?

do you think our fairy tale is a good one? does it make you happy, does it make you sad? i think about this from time to time, but do you think we’ll have a happy ending?

no wait, forget that. i don’t want one. i don’t want this to end.

They’re caught up in another argument on a lonely Sunday night when Chanyeol steps over the line and makes Baekhyun cry again. Baekhyun eventually storms out but he never makes it past their porch. Chanyeol’s left inside, watching the man’s back from the living room. The guilt that lies deep within him from before comes back to punch him in the gut as he sees Baekhyun’s shoulders shake. From where they’re standing, they’re far from each other and the windows are double glazed, but Chanyeol swears he can hear crying. He realises that it’s more of the tears he’s made Baekhyun cry in the past come back to haunt him.

“All I want is to feel like you love me, Chanyeol. You always say it and I know it’s there in you, but you don’t show it anymore. It makes me feel hopeless - I can never tell if you’re still in this with me!” Baekhyun had yelled while trying to hold back his tears, effectively choking on his on words halfway through.

Chanyeol has always hated it when people misunderstand him because it’s not his fault he’s not particularly expressive the way people want him to be. He wants to be but he’s never been one to express everything all at once. He knows he’s doing love all wrong when even Baekhyun can’t understand him.

So he had fought back with an overheated mind and said words sharp enough to slice through the tension, but not in a way that would get rid of it. “You’re giving up on me just by telling me that. Isn’t that what you’re doing? Are you tired of me already? What do you want from me - I can’t give you everything!”

“Giving up on you? Is that what you think I’m doing?” Baekhyun was reduced to shudders. “I don’t want everything from you, Chanyeol. You already are everything to me. But I want something - anything - to let me know that you're still with me.”

And he had walked out, just like that. Chanyeol, bitter at the spur of the moment argument, just stood there and thought of them both as hypocrites.

Are we in this together at all?

The answer is right in front of him, he realises, in the form of Baekhyun’s shaking back and silent tears, all a cry for help at Chanyeol because they both don’t want or need the spark to die out. It confuses him, in so many ways, how his resolve crumbles at the sad sight he himself has caused. He continues to stare, wondering how he could always screw up. But then again - Baekhyun is perfect to me. He could never be the one to screw up.

Conflicted, he sighs. He runs a strained hand through his hair and shuts his eyes tight. He can’t put an expiry date on their relationship just yet. He can’t put one ever.

“Baek?” He calls, stepping out of the living room and onto the porch. Baekhyun freezes. Chanyeol winces. “Baek, I’m…”

He steps forward, frowning while keeping his eyes closed. “Baek, I’m sorry. For everything. I’m really sorry.” Hesitating, he slowly raises a hand to place on the smaller man’s shoulder and when they finally touch, Baekhyun’s skin is warm through his t-shirt. Chanyeol squeezes it lightly. “I don’t mean...to be like this. We’ve been together a long time but I still find it hard to believe, so I’m not very good at expressing my feelings the way you want, which is also the way I want, too.”

When he hears Baekhyun’s sniffles die down, he sighs in relief and continues, “I love you, even if I can’t say it every night before we sleep or before you go to work. But I always say ‘see you in the morning’ or ‘take care’ because I think they’re stronger than saying I love you. Is it necessary to say it all the time?” His heart lightens with every word he says and he’s slightly more than just glad, for himself, for saying it all out loud. Isn’t this what’s necessary? To say what’s on their hearts and minds so they can understand each other. Maybe, Chanyeol thinks, it’s all we need.

“I was just worried,” Baekhyun whispers, his voice carried by the wind right into Chanyeol’s heart. “I kept thinking you're slowly drifting…”

Chanyeol cracks a smile, placing his other hand on Baekhyun’s other shoulder. “I’m not, trust me. Please don’t worry or get upset when I don’t hug or kiss you when the moment is right. I’m sure it’s because I’ve missed the moment - I’m a little stupid, you know? Please don’t feel burdened when I don’t tell you I love you because I don’t need to when saying ‘take care’ before you go to work is my own way of telling you. It’s the little things, Baek - I love you in even the littlest ways.”

He wraps his arms around Baekhyun’s front and pulls him close, burying his face into the latter’s hair. He kisses Baekhyun’s head and squeezes his waist tight, wanting to keep him close like this forever. “I don’t want you giving up on me, Baek. I don’t mean to come across this way...I’m not good at love at all. I just know that I love you. So please, please don’t cry because of me anymore.”

Baekhyun responds by turning around gently to stare into Chanyeol’s eyes with his own teary pair. “I’m sorry for getting worked up all the time. It puts a strain on us both, right? I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Chanyeol kisses him on the lips. "Don't ever be sorry."

We’re alright. This is our happy ending, without the ending.

“Have you been reading Sehun’s book lately?” Baekhyun asks him one morning in bed. He should really be in work but Chanyeol’s arms around his waist trapping him down had prompted him to call in sick.

Chanyeol groans a small good morning while nuzzling Baekhyun’s neck. “Kind of. I wonder what the two of them were like sometimes. I get snippets with the book and all, but Sehun is one hell of a guy and they're pretty interesting.”

“I wonder if they’re nearby. Or if they’re still alive. You could always check -”

“Nah,” he shrugs. “It’d ruin the magic for me. I don’t want to skip to the end of the book just yet.”

Baekhyun's fingers travel up Chanyeol's arm and softly, they tiptoe a melody on his skin. Chanyeol shivers, but he loves it. It reminds him of the times Baekhyun sings while he plays the guitar or piano, the times when they'd make the most beautiful music together. "Hurry up and finish it. I want to know what happens too."

Chanyeol chuckles lightly. "I'll read you a little something now, if you want. Take any page and I'll tell you their story."

"You can't just choose any random page, Yeol - read me the page you're on. I want to read it with you." Baekhyun stops playing silent music on Chanyeol's arm and rests his hand in his hair instead. 

Chanyeol momentarily reaches for the leather book sitting on the bedside table besides the other man and flips to his bookmarked page. He clears his throat, eyes darting to Baekhyun's for a second and feeling the intense stare on him. Instinctively, he leans in to quickly peck the man on the lips, leaving Baekhyun flustered and smiling at the same time. He clears his throat and grins before turning to the page.

today is my ninth year of loving you and our second year together. did you know that i asked you out on the seventh year i've known you? i bet you didn't. actually, to tell you the truth, i didn't know it either...it just so happens to be a coincidence that the two dates ran on the same day but hey - isn't that fate? i think it's even more great because seven is your favourite number. i think this entry calls for reminiscing that first day. 

you moved to south korea from beijing nine years ago, on this day, and you were my new next door neighbour. i feel pretty stupid now, thinking about the times i tried talking to you and asking if you wanted to play with me. you had always replied with this dumbfounded look on your face and...it's just really funny to imagine all over again. it wasn't until weeks later that my mother told me you couldn't understand me because you're chinese. so i thought, why the heck would you move to a country if you don't know the language...but i soon learned it was because your family wanted to learn. when i was in high school, i thought of the reason why i fell for you. it took me a while to figure out - these things don't come easy, you know - but i'd say on the very first day. little sehun had no idea how to play with little luhan but i tried every day until i kinda gave up and just pulled you into my house. kyungsoo hyung told me i fell for you that day because i was so dead serious on getting you to play with me, talking to you all the time and annoying the life out of my parents for it because i was pestering you, but i didn't stop. i didn't know i wasn't like that with my other friends until they told me. isn't that a weird way to start liking someone? anyway, over the years you became my favourite hyung and i guess you were a universe i wanted to explore. to this day, and for the rest of my life, you are still my world. 

seven years later, i turned up on your doorstep drenched in rain with two cups of bubble tea in my hands and asked you out. you said to give you the drink or you'll say no - so of course, i responded to the threat and we both got what we wanted. god, hyung...i was so, so happy that day. it was out of the blue, but you love things like that.

today, we went back to our childhood homes and greeted our parents the same way we left to live on our own - hand in hand.

"Jesus, that's a little -" Baekhyun exhales the long breath he had been holding in.

Chanyeol laughs, "Cheesy, I know. But this guy is so..."

"Inspirational?" 

"Basically."

Baekhyun stares at Chanyeol with a glint in his eyes and the same light is reflected in Chanyeol's. Their lips twitched until they both began to laugh uncontrollably, until there were tears in their eyes void of guilt and sadness but filled with acknowledgement and happiness. They continued to laugh even when Chanyeol rolled himself under Baekhyun, hoisting him up to straddle his waist and Baekhyun has both hands on his chest, feeling the intense beat of his heart while he shakes with laughter. Baekhyun swoops down to kiss Chanyeol, who kissed back with the same old sparks. Chanyeol rests his hands on Baekhyun's waist, squeezing the exposed skin lightly.

Baekhyun grins into the kiss, leaning his forehead on Chanyeol's as they both try to calm down their breathing and pounding heartbeats. "Unlike Sehun, I didn't start liking you straight away, but you went from being my best friend to my other half pretty quick and I wouldn't trade those years for anything."

Chanyeol's lips reach up to claim Baekhyun's quickly. "Well, it's cliche but it's pretty fundamental for two best friends to eventually fall for each other. You're my best friend, my soulmate and my little love, Baek."

"You read out a poem on your undying love for cheeseburgers this one time and I think I started liking you then. The only line I remember is 'Cheeseburger is twelve letters but love is four' which made no sense at all, you idiot. It was love when you took me to a cheeseburger joint for our first date." Baekhyun giggles, slipping his arms underneath Chanyeol's head until his head rested on his pillow beside Chanyeol's, embracing him in the familiar warmth they both revelled in. "Conventional but unconventional. That's how I like my Park Chanyeol."

Chanyeol laughs and buries his head in the space of the other's shoulder. "I totally don't remember that, but sure, if that's how you fell for me then that's great - I'm with Sehun on this one though."

Baekhyun shakes his head in disbelief, "Impossible. I was an insufferable teenager."

"Just like me. But I was worse. I thought you were great from day one."

Baekhyun sits up again, looking into Chanyeol's eyes to search for a joke. He finds nothing and Chanyeol can't stop grinning. "You never told me that." He says, his tone adorably soft.

Chanyeol shrugs, the smile never leaving his face. "You never asked."

"I love you, you know that, right?"

He nods, hand reaching for the other man's nape to pull him down for another kiss. "I cheeseburger you."

i've written almost a hundred pages of things i wanted to say to you but never did and i really want to give this book to you. i wonder what your reaction would be if i did...would you be upset that i can't say so much to you? or happy because i feel so much and it's all for you?

it's our birthday soon and i'm planning an entire two weeks getaway to celebrate. it's so lucky our birthdays are so close but i'm always a little dazed to how you're the older one out of the two of us. you look like a baby. but you're my baby~ i'm definitely getting you that new manchester united jersey as your present. hopefully nobody else will even think of getting you it or anything similar - i've sent emails out to everyone just to be sure, wait i didn't accidentally send it to you, did i? you're part of the group and i sent it to the group and i'm just...really...stupid oh my god, i think i did. whatever you do, if you love me, do not open that email. anyway, if you're wondering what to get me for my birthday, i would like a luhan sunny side up with ice cream on top and preferably . or is that too much? 

here's to us, xiao lu. i will always be in love with you.

Baekhyun wakes up on his twenty-sixth birthday to an eyeful of Chanyeol's face and a large red card being slotted into his mouth. Naturally, he's more than a little confused at the sight and even as he sits up on his elbows watching Chanyeol pull away slightly, he can't get a read on the situation.

Chanyeol's booming laughter fills the room as Baekhyun slowly takes the card out of his mouth, eyeing the messy scrawl written across it. His eyes stare at it then up at Chanyeol, whose face beams down at him. "Well, this is unexpected. You've woken me up in plenty of different ways before, Yeol, but the taste of hard paper in my mouth is really something." Baekhyun's mouth pulls up into a smile and he throws his arms around Chanyeol's neck, pulling him down for a kiss.

Chanyeol chuckles breathlessly when they pull away, both grinning from ear to ear. "Happy birthday to my one and only best friend."

Turning his attention back to the card in his hand, Baekhyun starts opening the envelope and is greeted by a photocard. It's a photo of the two of them from the day they graduated university together, caps in hand and wide smiles forever on their faces. Chanyeol towers over him in the picture but Baekhyun is on his tiptoes, frozen in the attempt to plant a kiss on the other's cheek. This is them, three years ago, fresh into their adult life and wishing for their always.

"I thought Kyungsoo was your best friend?" Baekhyun raises his eyebrow.

The other scoffs and rolls his eyes, leaning away. "Way to ruin it, Baek. Talking about another man while we're on the bed, just about ready to passionately make-out on your birthday before we proceed into the next stage, which is morning ."

Baekhyun grabs Chanyeol's arm before he could dramatically exit the room, drawing him in to trail quick kisses along his jawline and up to his cheek. Chanyeol blushes at this, warmth pooling in his chest as he flops back onto the bed. "Shut up, Yeol." Baekhyun says, grinning.

"Seriously though, we need to start making out to get to the morning . Why are we taking our time? Kyungsoo's probably throwing you a surprise party as soon as you get into work and I have no choice but to let you go because he'll kill me if you don't come in and we're still clothed and we need to get things going -"

"Shut up, Yeol."

if you're reading this, you've reached the end of this book. these pages are filled with all the things i could never say to the one i love, because i hold back a lot. but today, i'm giving this to him as anniversary present, to show him how much i love him. i think i'll throw this away when he's done with it... my best piece of advice to you, if this winds up in the trash somewhere or across an ocean or maybe on your doorstep (somehow) is to always let the one you love know that you love them. do it in a way they'll never forget. i wrote this as a diary but now i've grown out of my childish ways so i'm giving it away to the world to see. and hey, luhan hyung, if you're reading this, i love you!

(in the case that this reaches anybody in seoul (because i probably didn't throw it far enough) and can read my awesome handwriting, my name is oh sehun. i'll leave my address below and maybe i'll see you soon.)

"You ready?" Chanyeol yells from the front door. Baekhyun scurries out a minute later with a bag in one hand and a sunhat in the other, cursing at the taller for losing his shoes.

"You better buy me new ones, stupid." Baekhyun mutters.

"I'd buy you dinner with the Pope if that was what you wanted, jeez."

Baekhyun stops looking for his shoes to stare at him in disbelief. "Well, that's slightly better than shoes...but can the Pope even speak Korean?"

"You'd just have to just hand gestures and your awful broken English to communicate." Chanyeol grins at him.

When Baekhyun finally decides that nobody will be looking at his feet anyway, he throws on the nearest pair of sneakers that he could find and nudges Chanyeol out of the door and in front of the car. "Move it, we have to go."

"I don't recall you being this excited when I told you I wanted to visit Sehun?"

"Yeah, well, now that we're actually doing it I feel it. I want to see if this Luhan is more beautiful than me."

Chanyeol stops before he opens the passenger door for the other, "No one is more beautiful than you, Baek." Pink stains both of their cheeks until they hop into the car, turning on the air conditioning to beat the summer heat. "Except me." Baekhyun gasps audibly and crosses his arms, staring at Chanyeol with glaring eyes and he's about to interrupt when Chanyeol leans over to shut him up with a kiss on the lips. "But I'm just kidding."

Baekhyun's flustered by the time Chanyeol starts the car up, one hand on the steering wheel and another searching for Baekhyun's hand. He holds it gently, running his thumb along his silky skin and loving how it still feels the same after all these years together. There's only one hand that's truly made for his and it's Baekhyun's smooth palms and slender fingers that are like the touch of home on his. 

"Thank you for doing this with me." He says, smiling kindly at Baekhyun who is now looking up at him with curiosity. "Thank you for staying with me, being with me and never allowing me to lose myself. Thank you for loving me, flaws and all, and for taking it in stride when I'm the worst boyfriend ever."

Baekhyun shakes his head, smiling back. "Don't be silly, Chanyeol. I can't be Byun Baekhyun without you and I want you to stay with me forever."

Chanyeol nods, giving his hand a tight squeeze. "I can do that- we can do that. Always is our thing, right?"

"Always." Baekhyun laughs, the twinkling sound of it echoing in the car. He lets his hand slip from Chanyeol's hold, lifting it up and burying it in his hair instead. Chanyeol's hair is smooth and a little wiry on the ends in Baekhyun's touch, but he loves it because it smells like the coconut shampoo they used in the shower together. "I love you."

Chanyeol replies with a beaming smile. "Put your seatbelt on." I love you, too.

i did it again, i wrote a thing and it was baekyeol and i thought i'd be over it but nope never gonna get over it, this was originally a hunhan fic based on the diary idea...but BAEKYEOL goodbye