Hiiii everyone!!! first let me apologize that it took so long for me to update the story O.o I had a lot going on and to be honest I had a bit a hard time to write that part...

okay second: everything I wrote here is totally fictional okay? it doesn't mean that I believe it happened like that or that it is like that, it's simply and purely fiction!

„Do you wanna buy flowers?“, Siwon asked carefully.

Leeteuk shortly nodded and went to the shop next to the parking lot to buy flowers, a bottle of Soju and a candle.

“Why is this so hard?”, he mumbled while he slowly started to walking towards the graveyard.

Siwon took the candle his friend was holding in his left hand into his and captured his friends hand. “Because it isn’t easy”, he said simply.

Leeteuk took a deep breath. They passed a few of the small gravehills until they finally found the one of Leeteuks father.

He put the flowers down, still holding Siwons hand and the bottle of Soju.

“Hi father”, he whispered, knowing that it was informal and that he should show his respects. But for a short moment he did not care.

Siwon caressed his hand, drawing circles with his thumb on it. “Jungsoo-ah, come on”, he said carefully. He didn’t want to force his hyung to anything but it didn’t felt right, when Leeteuk greeted his father like that.

The other sighed again and let go of Siwons hand. He put the bottle of Soju down and started to pay his respects. Siwon stood next beside him, waiting patiently.

Leeteuk stayed in a kneeling position his hands on his legs. His face seemed pale and his eyes were red even though he did not cry. Or not yet. Siwon also paid his respect to his friends father, even though he knew all too well how much the deceased hated him. And he could totally understand it. He then kneeled a few steps away from Leeteuk and waited.

Leeteuk stayed silent during Siwons ritual and didn’t move an inch. Now he lifted his hand to rearrange the flowers on the ground. He felt uncomfortable. He’s never had a good relationship with his father that was no secret. It has gotten worse after he confessed his relationship with Siwon. They barley ever talked to each other and the last hope of his father has obviously been that his son would finally become a man in the military. Unsurprisingly it didn’t work out, or more, Leeteuk had been a man from the beginning there was nothing to change. As much as Leeteuk knew that it did still hurt a lot. And now it all came to an end. A very shocking one too. Sure he was not devastated by the death of his father but it still hurt. It still felt terrible. And he was still sad.

“Why?”, he simply whispered. “Why did you do this?” He felt aweful thinking about it. Thinking about that incident made him wanting to throw up… if he could he’d delete the knowledge of that. It wasn’t only the fact that his father had commited a murder suicide and killed his own parents it was also because Leeteuk felt terrible guilty. Was it also partially his fault? He always supported his mother and tried to forget about the fact that he had a father actually. Because as said he’s never been on good terms. Could he have prevented that? He had known that his grandparents had been ill and that his father had been taking care of them alone. Not once did the thought cross his mind that his father might need help. Because his father has never seemed to be helpless. His father was the “man” of the family, the only one, as he liked to point out.

“Was it my fault?”, he asked but already while saying this out loud he had to admit that it wasn’t. He wasn’t responsible for his fathers actions. He was his fathers son, a son that has never known the love of a father, a son that was never good enough as a son. He didn’t own anything to his father. It was important that he asked himself those questions he knew that. It still hurt. Leeteuk took a deep breath again. By now he was crying. He felt Siwons hand on his shoulder him lovingly. He didn’t exactly know why he was crying thereby. It wasn’t guilt, he knew this now. It also wasn’t because he missed his father, it wasn’t because of beautiful memories because there were none. Maybe it was because he felt sad that he’d never had a father that was able to show him his love. Maybe he cried for all the memories that could have been but never were. Maybe he cried because now he really had to bury the hope that his father might change one day. His father didn’t have any more days. For a short moment he let those feelings overwhelm him and cried like a mourning son was supposed to cry. And it did feel good. He felt freer the more he cried. A little later his tears started to dry, he felt now his knees hurting from the hard ground, felt the cold breeze, heard a bird chirping somewhere.

Siwon must have felt his friends change because his hand that had still been on the olders shoulder, disappeared and Leeteuk heard the sound of a tissue pack that was opened. Without a word Siwon gave him a tissue and Leeteuk blew with shaking hands his nose, a few more tears escaping his eyes.

“You know”, he started with a weak nearly inaudible voice so he had to stop and clear his throat first. “You know, I feel sad for him. He never felt true happiness. He was always just angry and bitter. What a sad life.”

“Let’s pray that he is now able to feel all the love and happiness in Heaven.” Siwon simply said. Leeteuk nodded and both men lowered their heads and prayed in silence for the deceased.  Then Leeteuk opened the bottle of Soju.

“Dear father, we never got the chance to share a bottle of Soju before, so let me pour you a glass now.”

He shared the Soju with his father by pouring it over the flowers on the grave hill, a few tears started to run down on his face again. He still felt sad for all the things they missed as father and son.

“Forgive me father” he apologized. “Please meet a better son in your next life.” And even though his words might sound a bit bitter for an outsider, it wasn’t the case. He just felt sorry for his father. But he did not feel sorry about himself. Not anymore, this was long in the past.

They stayed a little longer, Leeteuk was now calmer and also a bit exhausted. But he felt peaceful now. He’d been able now to tell his father goodbye in his own personal way. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to forgive his father for everything he had done, but he made peace with himself, he cleared his emotions now of the anger he had.

He then raised his head and looked at his younger friend. “Thank you Siwon-ah! Thank you for coming with me. Thank you for staying at my side.” He didn’t care that his father would have hated him if he had heard that. Now his father just had to accept it. Or not. He didn’t care.

Siwon simply smiled. He had felt a bit uncomfortable because he knew about Leeteuk’s fathers feelings for him, which could at best had been described as strong resentment. But now he felt that it had been right, Leeteuk needed him here and it was okay. 

okay and now: tell me what you think about it!!! I really tried hard to make it good though I'm not too happy with it haha... 

anyway I also decided that I'd like to concentrate a bit more on wonteuk during this... this fic will still be about small "daily-life"-stories of SJ but I want to try to write a few nice wonteuk parts since there is a huge lack of wonteuk fanfics in this world anyway alskdjfsldf

and also: hugs and love for everyone who is reading this story ♥