Jinhwan joined to make 3. They weren't much but the company was great, however, at the same time, he felt lonely.

Yeah he was close to Hanbin and Bobby, but Hanbin and Bobby were closer. He thought maybe it was a rapper thing, the whole staying inside the studio, connecting through melodies they made and fast words, something a vocalist like him wouldn't understand. 

But Jinhwan was always cool about it. He was deemed the calm and collective hyung.

That was until one August night, he wakes up at 2am to hear muffled sobs in the dark; it wasn't something out of the norm though honestly speaking. He knew that it was one of the boys, they would never admit it but Jinhwan knew, he knew that the boys would seek refuge in the bathroom when everyone was presumed to be asleep.

Jinhwan knew this because he did it himself.

But something was off about this, the sobs weren't hurried, they were instead, caught in the air, calling for help, it sounded sadder, as if in pain. Jinhwan had a sinking feeling in his gut as he walked in the dark towards the bathroom, his heart in his throat and his mind spinning possibility after possibility after possibility of what the hell was going on as he opened the suddenly heavy door.

His eyes flinched from the brightness as he pushed the door open; it was all a blur until his eyes focused to see red- so much red, and Donghyuk on the floor next to the pool of red.

The smell of iron so thick in the air he was afraid it would wake the others up. But no, this was all a bad dream, he thought, it had to be a bad dream.

It was only until he heard the choked 'hyung's' coming out of Donghyuk's mouth only then he wakes up and realizes that this isn't a bad dream, it was a sad reality.

His eyes catch the gleaming blade painted in red and Donghyuk's arm basically ripped open in red tracks, and he pukes.

He pukes so much he thinks he lost a week worth of food, his legs start failing him and he falls to the ground, his eyes meeting Donghyuk's that are filled with tears and exhaustion, so much exhaustion.

And then Jinhwan feels something, not pity or sadness, but anger. He looks right into Donghyuk's eyes and scolds him as he grabs the blade in Donghyuk's hand and hurls it across the room. But then his heart starts to feel heavy and then the tears fall, because he wasn't ready for this. He wasn't ready for any of this.

Donghyuk's starts sobbing again and he starts saying how he promises to stop, but Jinhwan knows he's lying.

Because he's been telling people the exact same thing for 3 years.

The next day he scolds Donghyuk (again) but then ends up crying (again).

He doesn't want Donghyuk to do this to himself, and so Donghyuk promises to stop in which Jinhwan replies with the same thing people have always been telling him, "it's all gonna be ok."

Even though he knew it was all a lie.

It hits him minutes later after Donghyuk gives him a sad smile and says he's tired and that he wants to sleep, that he was the hyung.

He was the oldest amongst all of them, that even though Hanbin was the leader, Jinhwan was still the oldest. He is constantly reminded that he has to protect them, to help them get through Hell and back, he's supposed to be their anchor.

But then it got him thinking as to how much of them are sick in the head like he was, but then his mind betrays him once more and then nothing.

Always nothing

He didn't mean to relapse that night (or did he?)