When Hanbin joined, he never expected to be put into a group of people his age. No, he expected them all to be older, way older. He wanted to be the youngest, to be the one that was protected, showered with love and care, nurtured to become a star.

But instead he was thrown the responsibility of being a leader. The weight of 5 others on his already heavy shoulders, the hopes and dreams of the others was his responsibility. They trusted him with their future, and he was scared.

Or maybe he was alright with it.

Maybe he was alright with staying up until 5 in the morning making songs and thinking new choreography for his group. But his mind was tired and he could hear his soft bed calling for him, calling for him.

But it took some time getting used to, he could soon run on less than 4 hours of sleep, and then 3, and then 2 and then no sleep at all. He could feel the spiked energy drinks running in his veins, he would fall into bed only to jump back out in less than 10 minutes later with his head ringing. He didn't keep track of his sleeping schedule (did he have one even?).

Until one day Bobby came up to him and asked him in a casual tone, trying to hide the worry behind a half smile, when was the last time you slept? Hanbin shrugs but then he thinks about it, his mind reeling in the feeling of slumber, only to be greeted by white and then nothing.

Always nothing.

But nothing changes until Hanbin walks to the convenience store one day and is greeted by a swarm of fans, all screaming compliments into his already almost deaf ear, his lips curling up into an empty smile, nodding until his head feels like it's going to fall of his shoulders, his legs dragging his body only to come to a small halt when he hears a voice, a fan's, her voice dripping with so much worry, 'Hanbin-ah! Please get some sleep! You look so tired!', that Hanbin decides to try.  

And so that night he clears his schedule and begs the producer to lock the studio, his voice bordering desperation (or was it already there?) and walks back to the dorm at 9:27PM. He's in bed by 10 and his mind is tired, so tired and he's ready for this. And then he drifts and this is what he misses he thinks.

But then the feeling of bliss ends and his mind starts working again and his eyes are wide in the darkness that is his room and he doesn't know what to do. Everything is dark and the air is so still, the silence suffocating him. His body is tired, so worn out but his mind is still so awake and Hanbin is mad now because he's just so tired, but at the same time he's not.

Hanbin wakes up to find himself in the studio, confusion washes over him as his mind goes into overdrive and his eyes catch the pieces of paper on the table thrown askew and the broken lock on the door and the computer on the table on standby mode. Exhaustion soon floods over Hanbin and he's never felt more tired, more vulnerable.

He sits up and he's mad again because he doesn't remember when he started crying.