“I told you, you can’t have coffee,” Sunhwa (the nurse) said stubbornly when Himchan begged for a cup once again. “Not while you need to take all this medication. Caffeine doesn’t mix well with them.”

“Oh, come on, just a little bit?” Himchan asked, trying to make himself look as pitiful as possible, but only succeeding in making Sunhwa laugh and about how much easier he had been to take care of before he had woken up.

It had now been two days since he had been pulled from his coma, and his memories were as absent as before. Hana had informed him that he appeared to suffer from post-traumatic amnesia of the retrograde kind. What they didn’t know was if and when his memory would return.

“Retrograde amnesia means you have lost access to memories from before a certain point in time, with recent memories being fuzzier or even completely non-accessible, while older memories remain,” she had explained. “We can see this in how you remember everything from a few years ago perfectly, while everything more recent has disappeared. It is possible that, alongside this, you also suffer from anterograde amnesia, where you cannot create new memories. So far it seems you are capable of doing so, but we shouldn’t rule it out completely just yet.”

She had also told him post-traumatic amnesia was often of a temporary nature, though the longer it lasted, the longer recovery would take and the more likely it was that he would suffer permanent consequences in regards to his memory loss and brain function in general.

His reaction to this had been to have his first ever panic attack. Usually he was fairly optimistic, yet although he appreciated Hana’s honesty, he couldn’t help but feel terrified that he’d be stuck with this memory gap forever. Worse, that it would affect his future as well. What if he couldn’t return to work? What if he’d be stuck living like this for the rest of his life? That possibility existed and it was getting more real by the day.

He had panicked again during the night, plagued by nightmares, and had finally decided to try his hardest not to think about it. Sunhwa was perfect for a distraction: she was funny, kind, and went along with his antics. It was easy to feel comfortable around her and he liked to think that, had they met under different circumstances, they could’ve been friends.

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

Sunhwa raised her eyebrows at him. “This isn’t about the coffee again, is it?”

Himchan laughed, wincing when doing so hurt his ribs, but shaking his head when Sunhwa made to get up and help him. “No, it’s… Doctor Song told me about some guy who visited me a few times. Have you seen him?”

Whenever he was alone and tried to avert his thoughts, his mind had been on this mystery man. Why hadn’t he reappeared since Himchan had woken up? Who was he, what was his connection to him? He had wondered about his lack of visitors in general too, but he didn’t really want to mention that, not needing a reminder that, apparently, very few people cared about him. Although he had eventually come across flowers and cards from his work, Youngjae and Jongup were still frightfully absent. Had no one told them what had happened? Weren’t they wondering where he was?

“Ahh, him,” Sunhwa said with a grin. “No, unfortunately I haven’t. Well, once, from the back, but only briefly. He had black hair and I think he’s around your height, or close to it.” At least that ruled out Jongup. “And I’ve been told he has a very y voice.” He supposed it could be Youngjae, then, who had always charmed people with his soft tones. Why hadn’t he returned, though?

“Do you think he’ll come back?”

Sunhwa smiled and lightly patted Himchan’s arm, not missing his worried state. “Don’t worry, I’m sure he will. I know if I had such a hot friend in the hospital, I wouldn’t stay away for long.”

Himchan chuckled when she offered him an exaggerated wink.

Yet the rest of that day was again spent in loneliness, although both Doctor Song and Hana came to check up on him and Sunhwa made sure to drop by whenever she could, even popping her head around the corner to wish him good night after her shift had ended.

The next day seemed to bring a change, though. In the morning Doctor Song spoke to him about physical therapy: his body was healing fairly well and once she deemed him ready, he could start therapy with someone called Jun Hyosung. She warned him it was a slow process and that he shouldn’t become impatient if nothing happened at first.

He already knew he would, though, because he hated being confined and having to depend on someone else for something as simple as going outside – something he hadn’t even been allowed to do yet. At the same time he understood there was no such thing as a miracle recovery; not that this reduced his chagrin when he was told he’d need a wheelchair and crutches before he’d be allowed to walk on his own. (Though he supposed he was lucky to even be alive.)

After his lunch, which had been served by a nurse he had never seen before and had been extremely small (apparently his body needed to slowly get used to food), he decided to watch some TV, scowling when the first channel he landed on showed a hospital drama. Some dreamy doctor entered a room where an attractive young woman turned her big doe eyes towards him. He snorted at the predictability and switch over to a music programme. If he had disliked hospital shows before, he hated them now. There was nothing romantic about hospitals or diseases, although Sunhwa had told him there were definitely patients who developed crushes on staff members.

“Last year there was a guy who kept coming back with imaginary complaints, always asking for Doctor Song,” she had whispered to him, like she was sharing a big secret. “We couldn’t deny him help, so she eventually told him she was married. If anyone ever asks you about it, just tell them she is.”

He tried to make himself more comfortable as he watched someone belt out a song. Whoever it was didn’t have the prettiest voice, but they certainly sang with feeling and Himchan felt himself relax a little as he listened. The relaxation was over when someone rushed into his room, stopping dead as soon as Himchan looked up at them.

“Himchan,” the person, an attractive male of around Himchan’s age, breathed out in an incredibly deep voice before swooping down and giving Himchan one of the warmest and gentlest hugs he had ever received.

This must be him, then. The mystery guy all the nurses were swooning over. y voice, black hair, seemed to be about as tall as Himchan, and very handsome. He could see why they liked him.

“I’m so sorry,” the guy said after he had let go of him. “I was visiting my parents for a few days and didn’t have any reception while I was out there. I didn’t hear you had woken up until today and got here as soon as I could.” He hesitated and bit his lip, looking at Himchan curiously. “Do you- do you remember me? I was told you lost some memories…”

Himchan briefly wondered who had told him so, but decided that was of later worry. Right now he had to find out who this guy was and why he was here. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember anything from after September 2011,” he explained, feeling guilty even though it wasn’t his fault. Here was someone, a visitor at last, who was clearly worried about him, and he had no idea who he was.

The other smiled sadly, and Himchan thought he had never seen someone more beautiful. God, he wished he could remember him.

“Right,” the stranger said softly, lifting a shaky hand to his head to scratch his scalp. “That… That . But you’re alive, and that’s more important.” He released a deep sigh before lightly running his fingers over Himchan’s arm, swallowing hard when his gaze ran over the scars and injuries.

“My name is Bang Yongguk,” he said at last. “And I’m your boyfriend.”

Himchan didn’t quite know how to reply to that. This fine specimen was his? When had this happened? “How long…?”

Yongguk smiled ruefully. “Fifteen months.”

Fifteen months. And he couldn’t remember even a second of it. He had no idea how they had met, how they were as a couple, what Yongguk was like, and he didn’t know what the other expected of him. After all, right now Himchan had a better bond with his nurse than with this man beside him.

“I’m sorry, I don’t…” His hands started trembling and his throat closed up. He was sure Yongguk was wonderful, but he wanted someone familiar. He couldn’t very well act like he usually would around him, since he had no idea how that was. But he couldn’t exactly push him away either, because that wouldn’t be fair. This was a difficult situation for them both, and they needed each other. Or, well, Himchan supposed they did. Right now it wouldn’t make much of a difference to him whether Yongguk was here or not, but that would be a cruel thing to say.

“Hey, it’s fine, calm down,” Yongguk said quickly as he grabbed Himchan’s shaking hands. “You can’t help it and…” He clenched his jaw and furrowed his eyebrows. “If you don’t want me here, I can leave. I know it can’t be easy on you.”

Himchan wanted to tell him he could stay, because at least he was here, and he cared, and he could help him, maybe, but he couldn’t breathe properly and was unable to form the words. Instead, he could only squeeze Yongguk’s hands tightly and hope he’d understand.

“Himchan, are you okay?” came the sudden, concerned voice of Hana. The psychologist entered the room quickly and, ignoring Yongguk for the time being, forced Himchan to look at her and focus on his breathing.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that he couldn’t remember his boyfriend, he just had to break down in front of him. He wasn’t sure what Yongguk had thought of him in the past, but he must see him as weak right now. That was what he possibly hated the most about the situation: his weakness. Not merely mentally – panic attacks, constant feelings of fear and anxiety – but also physically: he couldn’t do much of anything on his own, not even go to the bathroom. He hated this. He hated everything.

Once his breathing had returned to normal, Hana gave him a small smile. “Good, very good,” she said soothingly. “Now, what happened?” She turned towards Yongguk and smiled politely. “And who are you, sir?”

“Ah, sorry, I’m Bang Yongguk, Himchan’s-” he paused in his introduction and glanced over at Himchan nervously, like he was worried the other would have another attack if he spoke up.

“He’s my boyfriend,” Himchan replied for him, more to show that he could handle the thought of it than as a sign of acceptance. After all, how could he picture himself in a relationship with someone he had no memories of?

Hana’s eyes showed a sudden understanding and she returned her attention to Yongguk, bowing slightly. “It’s nice to meet you, Mister Bang. My name is Jung Hana, but you may call me Hana if you prefer. I’m here to help Himchan recover his memories and to offer support where needed.”

Yongguk bowed back respectfully, his face solemn. “Thank you… So does that mean you’re a psychiatrist or something?”

“A psychologist, yes,” Hana confirmed. “Not quite the same thing.” When Yongguk murmured an apology, she smiled and waved it off. “Don’t worry. More people make that mistake.”

Still feeling uncomfortable in Yongguk’s presence, Himchan threw Hana a pleading look. Boyfriend or not, kind or not, the other man was very much a stranger to him, and he had no idea how to handle this. Luckily, Hana seemed to get the hint, for she placed a hand on Yongguk’s shoulder and addressed him again.

“I understand you only just got here, but I actually came here to discuss some things with Himchan in private. Would you mind terribly to step outside for a minute? I promise I’ll try not to take long.”

Yongguk’s eyes flickered over to Himchan, who didn’t protest, before Yongguk forced a smile and got to his feet. “Sure… I’ll go to the cafeteria and come back later. That’s okay, right?”

Himchan nodded quickly, not wanting to appear rude, and after a rather awkward goodbye – in which Yongguk tried to either give Himchan a hug or a kiss and ended up simply patting his arm – he was on his own with Hana. Sure, he still didn’t quite know how to act around her, always painfully aware of her profession, but at least he felt like he knew her a bit better. And it helped that she didn’t seem to expect anything from him, though how could she anyway?

“Well, that was certainly a development,” was the first thing Hana said, eyeing Himchan carefully. “Do you recognise anything about him? Was he involved in your past at all?”

“No,” Himchan muttered in reply. He was sure he would’ve remembered someone like Yongguk if he had met them before. His voice alone should trigger a memory, but they really must’ve met only recently, or, well, in the past two years or so. “What if I never remember him?” he whispered.

What if Yongguk would forever remain unknown to him? Would they be able to rebuild a relationship with one person already completely involved while the other was still trying to learn the basics? And even if they could continue on, would those lost months linger between them like a dark cloud forever?

“You might,” Hana assured him. “And if not, then you can get to know him again. It will be difficult, but not impossible.”

“And if he doesn’t want to?” Himchan asked hesitantly.

“Then you’re better off without him,” she replied firmly. “You need to focus on getting better, and while you can of course work on your relationship as well, you are important right now. Not that he isn’t, but if you need to worry about him leaving you, you’ll only end up worse. However, if he can’t handle the situation then that’s perfectly understandable too. It’s hard on both of you, and you both need to look after yourselves first.”

Himchan nodded, but he couldn’t completely agree. After all, weren’t you supposed to support each other as a couple? Then again, if he had to force himself into loving Yongguk and pretending nothing was wrong, that probably wouldn’t be very beneficial to either of them.

“Can I… Can I talk to him now? Alone?” he asked slowly.

“Are you sure?” Hana asked worriedly. “You don’t need to force yourself, Himchan. I’m sure he’ll understand if you need some more time.”

“To be honest, I’m not sure any time will be enough,” Himchan admitted. Not unless he’d suddenly remember him. And surely it would only get more awkward the longer he waited, so he just wanted to get this over with. Besides, he had questions only Yongguk would be able to answer. Like where his friends were, who his friends were, who he was. Because a lot must have changed, including Himchan himself, and he didn’t know what to make of himself anymore. What if he had become a horrible person?

He explained this to Hana, who seemed to understand, though she still had reservations about leaving them on their own.

“It will be more natural,” Himchan explained. “He’ll be watching his words with you there, and he won’t if we’re alone. I promise I’ll ask him to leave if it gets too much.”

Although she looked no less reluctant, Hana agreed to trust Himchan’s judgement. “I expect to hear a full report when we talk next,” she ordered with a half smile. “We’ll be starting up our sessions soon, so it might actually be positive that he showed up when he did.” At Himchan’s alarmed look, her smile grew. “You didn’t think we’d stick to these casual talks forever, did you? That was actually why I dropped by: I wanted to ask you if we can have our first appointment on Friday or if you’d prefer another day.”

After sighing deeply, Himchan agreed to the date, figuring he might as well go all out now. Besides, he had someone else to remember for now, and despite Hana’s warning, it made him more determined.

Yet, he couldn’t help how his heart raced anxiously when Hana left with the promise to send Yongguk to him as soon as possible.

A/N: I've altered the first chapter a bit. No drastic changes, just some things that didn't make sense when looking back. And here's chapter two! Yongguk has already appeared, briefly, but he'll be back a lot more. Thank you to those who already subscribed/commented/etc!