We were best friends. We were inseparable. We made everyone around us question our relationship, treading the blurred line between friendship and something more. We'd ignore them, knowing that no words can define what we are. We’d walk hand in hand through shops, parks, movies, laughing wholeheartedly whenever one of us would crack a joke.

I was that person who was afraid of opening up, afraid of getting too close with anyone.

But, not her. Somehow, she found her way inside, quietly and softly tip-toeing her way into my heart.

She was my best friend, and I loved her.

She was my best friend, and I was blindsided.

And I didn't understand why she would hurt me.

-

Choking back tears, I tell her, "This is why I never open up to anyone. You say that I need to tell someone about my problems, that I shouldn't let everything build up inside. But when I finally found someone I wasn't afraid of, something like this happens."

Tiffany looked at me, unsure of what to say. opened, but no words came out. I didn't need her to say anything, though. Nothing she say could take back what Jessica did to me.

"I don't know what to do, Tiffany. Do I just pretend like nothing's wrong? Do I just... should I ignore her?"

"Taeyeon, that's the last thing you need to do. Don't ignore her. Talk to her, TaeTae. You two need to sort this problem out. Talk to her."

"I can't," I whispered. "I'm going to wait after college applications, and then I will."

"Taeyeon," she pleaded. "You nee-"

"Look Fany. If I talk to her now, I'm afraid I will just blow up on her."

"Taeyeon..."

"I promise Fany. We'll ... sort this out."

-

Lately, I often found myself walking through the city night. The cool breeze was relaxing, and it was what I needed.

I came back to our dorm late, but I wasn't the only one up. Not expecting anyone to be awake, the sight of Jessica on the couch startled me. We both stared at each other, and then she slowly got up and cautiously walked towards me.

"Taengoo.." she whispered. "I'm really sor-"

"Not now, Jessica." I quickly said.

Even though it was dark, I could feel her tears streaming down her face. I turned away; I hated how my heart wrenched, how I wanted to reach out to wipe away her tears.

I walked up to her and laid my hands on her shoulders.

"I'm not mad at you, Jessica. I promise. I'm just really tired. Remember what I always tell you?" I said with a faint smile. "You know I can never be mad at you," I grinned.

With blurred eyes, she looked at me, trying to find the truth behind my words. Her lips trembled. "I don't want to lose you..."

I could see how much this had affected her. I could see how broken she was; I could see the guilt in her eyes; I could hear the pain in her voice. But I couldn't bring myself to look into her eyes, because I knew that nothing was ever going to be the same.

"We'll talk about this after I finish these college applications. They’re god-awful. I don’t know why I have to tell them how awesome I am to let them accept me.” My grin faltered. 

Clearing my throat, “You won't lose me."

This time, I looked straight into her eyes. "I promise," I firmly whispered, knowing full well that it was a promise I didn't know if I could keep.

--

It had been weeks since our college applications, but we never talked about our situation. It was never brought up again. I could tell that she wanted to. Every chance she had, she’d try. But whenever I saw what she was trying to do, I avoided it. I was afraid and scared that the memories would keep me from talking to her again. I was scared that I would be too hurt and angry that I'd push her away from my life permanently. I was afraid of losing her.

I could tell that she was hurt with how I'm ignoring everything that had happened, how I'm not even trying to mend our broken friendship. I know I was stupid for doing this to her, for doing this to us. Maybe I thought that by pretending, everything would right itself. Maybe if I acted like nothing had ever happened, then we could go back to the way we were.

I knew Jessica had never meant to hurt me. I could see how the guilt was eating her up inside, and I know that no matter how much I tell her that it was okay, she would never forgive herself. I wanted to tell her that it was. I wanted to feel that way. I wish I could feel that way

But I will never forget the trust that was shattered. I will never forget how much security I used to feel around her and how, in an instant, it was all gone.

Weeks passed, months passed, years passed. Everyone around us thought we were fine. Our friends thought that surely by now, we would be okay. To them, we were best friends. We were inseparable. We made everyone around us question our relationship, treading the blurred line between friendship and something more. We'd ignore them, knowing that no words can define what we are. We’d walk hand in hand through shops, parks, movies, laughing wholeheartedly whenever one of us would crack a joke.

We talk to each other like everything was okay. We do everything together like everything was okay.

But we both knew it wasn't.

We both knew better.