Lee Jieun's pov

I was walking. My heart was beating. My chest rose and fell, indicating that I was really breathing. It just didn't feel like it. I could see my heavy breaths as white steams in this cold winter. It was probably over minus twenty-five, but I didn't feel it. I didn't feel cold, I didn't feel warm. All I felt was just emptiness. 

I knew where I was, in those dark and empty alleys that led me to my workplace. I glanced up in my sorrow and saw the full moon I used to smile at. It used to comfort me when he was doing something else.

When I'd miss him, I'd talk to the moon or just stare at it for minutes. Nowadays the pain in my heart covers it's comforting sight and leaves me suffer alone without a rescue.

I still couldn't get over him. How long has it been already? Two to three years? Yes, three years.. Three stunningly long years, three utterly painful years. I could still remember him, every detail of him was burned inside of my head. I recalled those small little pieces of him every night, wanted it or not. 

I remembered his heavenly smile, his sparkling eyes that showered me with love. His messy hair when he woke up. His light touch on my cheeks. His softly placed lips on mine that never pushed too far. His alluring scent that made me go crazy.

Those things managed to always send butterflies in my stomach even now, even after all that happened to us. Not to mention his praising words. Yes.. Those words he said to me. Those lies he told me.

"You are so beautiful Jieun-ah!"

"How can you be so perfect?"

"I was so lucky to get you!"

"You are the prettiest girl alive, you know that right?"

"I'm sorry Jieun-ah... I didn't mean it to happen.. We just.. Fell in love. I'm so sorry! Please forgive me!" 

I remembered those tears that burned my eyes. I remembered how my heart was cut in half. Slowly the crack in my heart spread, breaking everything that was left of my heart. I still felt the pain in there, and that pain didn't let go.

My eyes became watery and my vision blurred. My steps remained strong and my knees didn't wobble. I've gotten used to this, walking while crying. Reading while crying. Eating while crying. Jogging while crying. Making food while still crying.

I sighed and took a deep breath to calm my feelings. I stopped walking for awhile and concentrated on calming down. I didn't wipe away those stubborn tears that made their way down my cheeks. I let them fall freely, knowing how I'd look after rubbing my eyes.

The cold winter wind made me shiver, but still I wasn't cold. I didn't feel my fingers or my toes, but still I felt nothing, not even a bit. I let the wind dry my tears since it was time to start working.

I bumped my fist in the air, trying to at least pretend to be okay. Just like every day in these past three years, even this day is full of pretense. Another day full of lies, crooked smiles and fighting against tears.

I wasn't like this before, I remembered what kind of a person I was. I was a bubbly and sweet girl, full of optimistic thoughts about the world. I have had other boyfriends before him, but none of them made me feel this bad. So broken and so sad that I felt like I had died. I have tried to get over him, I have done everything I was able to imagine.

I tried to speed-date, go out with other guys, bungee jumping, working till I nearly collapsed from exhaustion. I tried to love a boy band member so much, that the love for him would not have any more space.

Super Junior, SHINee, DBSK, Epik High, Big Bang, Block B, Teen Top and other bands all lost. Every one of those famous idols lost, lost to one person that managed to sneakily steal my heart away and leave with it. Everything I tried were just some wasted efforts, lost time lf my life.

It's like he's super glued in my heart, not falling off no matter how I yank. Still, I believe that one day, the glue will be so worn out that he finally drops down on the ground like any trash. One day, I'll be able to breathe freely and start to feel again. That someday.. I could live. It's the future I was aiming for, the future of my dreams.

I planted one of those obvious fake smiles on my face before opening the door to the bar. I worked bartender in a local and popular bar called Highway. I didn't know about the reason for naming it like that, but everyone was so friendly there, so I really enjoyed working there.

And then there's he... The one that captivates my eyes. If I didn't have my him in my heart, I could have fallen for him. I'd be in love already instead of this pathetic behavior of mine.

The perfect boyfriend candidate that comes here everyday to play billiards. He's a handsome young man, skillful billiard player, he likes to read books and he draws well. And, he has a drop dead gorgeous girlfriend.

There was no way I could fall in love even though he was like that. One, his beautiful girlfriend, two, him. The one I couldn't forget, the one that made me hurt, the one that ruined my life of three years.

But I still had hope. I was ready to believe I could get over him. That couple, the dreamy guy and his girlfriend, was the source of my hope. They love each other deeply and I loved to see them all lovey dovey.

They were so cute, that they made my whole life seem like a happier place. If I'd just keep seeing them together, I could perhaps make it. I could believe in love again.

Today I noticed that something was wrong with them the moment I stepped in. I knew it the moment I saw them. She wasn't sitting on his lap. He didn't her hair and smile. They didn't kiss or smile. They didn't sing along the music.

Instead of those usual stuff, they were sitting on the different sides of the table, looking very serious. She tried to tell something to him, but I was too far away so I couldn't hear what. I panicked slightly, fearing they'd break up. What would I do if my only hope was gone?

"Let's break up." He said to me after all the waiting. My heart pang on my chest painfully, revealing how much I cared about him. I quickly withdraw my hands away from his frozen form. Our love, that had turned to a one sided love story at one point.

I should have known. I should have taken the signs, those obvious signs he gave me. I was too stupid, too in love to see them. Too stupid to realize it was only me living in a imaginary world he didn't join.

I should have known when he changed the topic after I told him I loved him. When we didn't meet for weeks and he didn't tell me he had missed me unlike I did. When he didn't allow me to kiss him to his lips, turning his cheek for me instead. After some time, he flinched every time I touched him. Urged away from my hugs.

I foolishly thought it was because he was close to get promoted as a boss, stress reaching the roof. It was a huge opportunity I wanted to give him, so I backed away. I gave him space so he could actually make it.

I silently watched as the distance grew bigger and bigger, and I just unknowingly let it, even helped it. Then he said those words and my whole world collapsed.

The memories drowned me again, making me dizzy. I tried to cheer up, when I got an order, trying to concentrate in working and ignoring my feelings. Only that it was an order from that table I wanted to go the most.

They ordered a gin tonic and an orange juice and my imagination started running wild. A woman comes in a bar and only orders an orange juice? Is she pregnant? I walked curiously towards them while holding a tray with the drinks on my hands. I was about to place the orange juice on their table, when I heard the words.

"Let's break up." She said. It was like an déjà vu to me. The words I didn't want to hear again rang in my ears, making me shake vigoriously.The glass slipped through my hands and shattered on the ground loudly.

Everyone inside silenced and stared at me, until I bowed and apologized for interrupting them. Everyone started ignoring me once again, even the couple in front of me. I squatted down and started picking up the pieces carefully, still listening to their conversation.

"Well, since that clumsy worker dropped my drink, I'll just drink yours." She said, took the drink and drank the tonic in one go. After that, she just coldly left him there. I followed her furthering back till it reached the door.

My heart sank, when I saw who she was with. It was him. I couldn't believe my eyes. I couldn't believe my heart that almost stopped beating. I couldn't even believe the knot on my stomach and the urge of running away. But if that woman was the one he dumped me for then... He was cheated for three years. 

I looked at the guy in shock, knowing what he must have felt at that time. Sadness, frustration, confusion, longing, bitterness. That's for the starters, there's plenty other feelings blended as well. He just stared towards the door blankly. His eyes revealed that his world just stopped, no thoughts ran through his head. Except for one, the one that you want to ask after this kind of situation. 

Why?

He squat down next to me, helping me to pick up the pieces. I knew what he was going through, so I wouldn't be mad even if he'd just run away without paying the bill, I'd even pay it for him.

I saw those teary eyes, I saw the sadness welling up in him. I saw how he tried to comprehend with everything that was happening slowly, as if scared of being hurt. Hurt, was something he already was.

We picked up the shards in silence, and soon I felt something wet dropping on my hands. 

Drip. Drop. Drip. Drop.

His tears fell down. Suddenly he stood up and ran away and I forgave him. I forgave him for not paying the bill. I forgave him for just leaving me here to pick up these sharp shards by myself. And I thanked him. I thanked him for helping me even if he felt like nothing, like a trash being thrown away. Just like I felt everyday, worthless.

"Jieun? Are you alright?" My co-worker asked.

I thought about what to say. Should I say yes, everything is fine like I do everyday? Should I really lie one more time? Or should I just say the truth, I was never fine. I knew I couldn't tell that lie this time, so I spilled the beans, told her my biggest secret that might look like nothing for her, no big deal.

"No.. I'm not fine. I think I have a fever or something." 

I did not lie. This was a fever that never went away, a fever that was stuck with me for the rest of my life. It made me feel weak and pathetic. It made me feel dizzy, lose my life energy for just standing normally. It was a fever that made me cry everyday, a virus that held me in it's grab. Now that I lost all of my hope, what should I do?

She put her hand on my forehead and quickly took it back with a worried expression.

"Your forehead is burning hot, you should go to the doctor." She said.

What would the doctor be able to do? The fault was in my heart, should I go to the heart doctor? But they did't deal with broken hearts, which coicidentally was the condition I had.

"I'll tell the boss, you can go already." She said and I didn't resist. I went with the flow, and the flow moved outside. First time of skipping a workday, just so I could feel a little better and it made me feel guilty.

I walked outside in confusion, not knowing what to do in a situation like this. It was still dark, but those dangerous alleys looked alluring. They whispered me that they could lead me to a path of no pain. They were saying that taking my life away was easier than enduring this all.

And the voice was right. It would have been easier, but I haven't done it in three years. Why would I do it now? Why would I give up even if there's no hope?

I just had to create another source of hope that would lighten up my days. Maybe pick up a nice hobby, or start a small store that sells only extremely cute things. Looking at those all cute things all day long, I could not feel blue after that, right?

I heard some strange noises coming from one of the alleys, and my first thought was, that there was a gang beating up somebody. If I were to die, I would like to die while saving someone else's life, so I took the path to check it out. I turned out to be wrong, I only saw the guy whose heart was broken. It happened only minutes ago, and there he was, punching the wall with bloody knuckles.

The last punch he gave to the bad wall was pretty strong, so after that, he groaned in pain and kneeled down. He resisted at first, but in the end, he started crying his heart out. His crying made my small and fragile heart ache for him.

I heard his heart's pleading for help before it gets the same fate as mine. It begged for a savior, begged for help. Why would I want him to have the same fate I had? No one deserves this hell, no one. Well, maybe me, but that's another opinion.

I approached him with loud steps, so I wouldn't startle him. He expected me to walk by, ignore his pain and just leave and live my own life. But I didn't. I kneeled in front of him, placing my hands on his back and patted him.

He didn't even glance at me, but just charged towards my lap like I'd be his mother and he was my son that needed my comfort. It started to rain, but I didn't let it bother.

I hummed something cheery I've heard on radio and draw circles on his back with one of my hand, while the other hand was on the back of his head, drawing him even closer to me.

"Do you want me to help you?" I asked. It was not a question for him, but to his heart. He backed away and finally glanced me.

"No. I don't need help." He said sternly. I looked at his eyes that told me another story. I smirked and stared at his eyes.

"If you say so. You're welcome, anytime." I informed him and turned to leave. I didn't even need to look back, when I already knew he'd be following me. After all, I was the one that had experienced this all.

It's been four days since he came to my apartment. He has done nothing, absolutely nothing. He might have eaten one spoonful of food, but that's it. All he has done was sitting and staring blankly at the wall, outside the window or just random things he didn't really even look at.

His eyebags grew bigger and bigger and he looked thin because he refused to eat. He said he wasn't hungry, but when he was daydreaming about nothing, I heard his stomach grumble loudly. There is one more thing he did, and that was crying. It was smnething to worry about, after that phase, it's all downhills.

I tried to act like a fool, so he would laugh at me. I danced and sang exaggeratedly even though I couldn't do neither of those things that needed some talent. I thought out loud, so he could listen, so that he would have something else than her in his mind. I made him cocoa every night while he was sitting by the window.

I gave him my cover, so he wouldn't feel cold in these cold winter nights. I combed his hair after those nights he ruffled his hair till it was really messy. I made him drink so he could live. I did everything I possibly could, but he showed no response. I tried to stay positive and think that he'll get over it. He wouldn't became this big loser I was, the one that just couldn't let go.

I was about to come back from the shop, when I noticed that my apartment was pitch black. No lights were on and there was absolutely no signs of living. I brought my shopping bags to kitchen and room by room I switched on the lights and tried to search for Suho.

Yes, his name was Suho. He barely told me his name, but I told it was necessary if he was going to live with me. He told it while gritting his teeth, but at least I got a name to call him.

"Suho?" I asked carefully. Now every room was lit up except for one, the bathroom. I felt nervous for some odd reason, getting the creeps go up and down my spine, while slowly sneaking towards the room.

I heard sobs, quiet and little sobs coming from there. I heard the desperation in them and I heard his heart almost dying. This couldn't go on, not anymore. Soon he was going to lose it, just like I did.

I opened the door, walked towards him, and wrapped my hands around him for protection. He snuzzled closer, placing his head on the crook of my neck. An unnoticeable smile crept on my face and it vanished immediately when I realized it, as if it never was there in the first place.

"Suho." I started with a sigh.

"You must move on." I said bluntly. My voice was strong and it gave me the feeling of wiseness. I wasn't supposed to say it so straight like that, but what happened, happened already and I couldn't change that fact.

It was hard not to regret those words when I felt him stiffening. He pushed me away harshly and I landed on my wrist. I yelped quietly, but he didn't seem to notice it. He was blinded with fury, but at least he felt something.

I couldn't feel rage, I couldn't feel happiness. Only thing I could feel, was sadness. Sadness and regret. 

He glared at me with his eyes that showed how hurt he was. He was really hurt, but so was I. I've been hurt for three years and God knows for how long will I be after this. He walked towards me, so close that he left only couple inches between our faces.

"What do you know?" He hissed. It was the first time he talked to me. First time I heard him to talk back, defend himself. But he made me scared, extremely scared.

I was afraid to even move and it made me uncomfortable. "I just broke up. Have ever broken up with someone? Did you even love that person? DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET OVER SOMEONE WITHIN FOUR DAYS?!" He shouted.

I felt my tears running down my cheeks. I felt the pain in my heart even more than I had in awhile. He brought up all the memories of him, memories of how we were in love one day. He made me remember every funny and cute thing he made. His love he swore to cherish forever.

He just crushed my wish for hope. I was foolish, there was never hope for me. And I'm no miracle maker. How could I, someone who hadn't get over yet, help another one in that? I'm just stupid. Pathetic. A piece of trash. Someone who didn't deserve to live with someone like Suho. He was unfair, but wasn't I even worse? Why should I help him get over when he seemed so good at it himself?

"Did.. I even love him? You doubt that I didn't love him?" I asked, staring at the wall silently. He was about to say something again, but I stopped him with my hand. "We broke up, because he wanted it. Did I love him? I did. He was the only thing in my life I had. I had no friends, no parents or siblings. No one else, but him. He was my world. He was the reason the sun rose in the mornings. He was the reason I breathed. He's still the reason I breathe. There is not a day, not a single day, I wouldn't remember everything about him. For three years, I have mourned over him. Three years, I have pathetically cried and thought I was the one at fault. And now you say I didn't love him?" I said quietly. 

I looked at his eyes that had softened and tears had fallen down his cheek again. I stood up, being careful with my wrist. He did try to stop me from leaving, but I just swatted his hand away. "I'm going to the shop. I'll buy some... I don't know. Oranges or something, I'll think about that there." I said and left.

I was roaming blankly around the shop I had just left and now returned. Usually my thoughts would have been occupied by him like always, but now, my thoughts travelled to Suho. This time, the thoughts of Suho made my heart hurt. He made me feel so lost, like I didn't belong here. Funny, how all these were done by someone else before. Now almost a complete stranger had made me feel even more awful than I already did beforehand.

I didn't even see the one I passed by, the one with an evil smirk. I should have. No, I shouldn't have come here at the first place. I should've gone to the park. Anywhere else but there. 

"Well, well, well. Look who we have here." I heard someone say. At first, I didn't pay any attention to her voice. But then the situation changed, when she grabbed me by my hurt wrist.

I looked at the guilty one and felt like I was being punished by the heavens. Was this some sort of instant karma? In front of me was the gorgeous Choi Sooyoung, the ex-girlfriend of Suho's and the stealer of my ex. The girl that gets every guy falling for her.

I couldn't believe Sehun fell for her as well when he still had me. That only meant that I wasn't enough for him. I wasn't enough.The thought alone was able to send cruciatimg pain to my heart, nothing like I had ever experienced before.

"Still can't get over Sehun?" She asked with an victorious smirk. I felt paralyzed just by hearing his name said by someone. Sehun.. Oh Sehun.. I fought against tears once again, being as pathetic as always. "Aww... Are you about to cry?" She cooed sarcastically. I lifted my head up and met her piercing gaze.

"We don't have anything to talk about. I'm going to leave." I informed her politely and turned my back to her.

"Yeah, because you're a loser. I can't believe someone like you even exists." She spat out.

Me neither, me neither.. I felt my tears falling again and I didn't like it at all. I was such a crybaby. Why couldn't I just stop crying?

"You're really pathetic you know. I mean, look at me. Of course Sehun fell in love with me. I'm beautiful, which you're not. I'm rich which you're not." She said matter-of-factly. And you're tall, which I'm not, I finished for her in my mind. The complete opposite of me...

"Sooyoung, cut it!" I heard an agitated voice suddenly say.

My legs became jelly and there was no way I'd peek at him. If I did, I'd probably die. Die from the feelings that'll explode. Die from the missing piece of my heart that was still with him. I heard how Sooyoung walked away in her heels after the intense small talk they had. 

"Jieun..." I heard him say. He said my name. My name. My heart ached from the burning desire of seeing him, but I didn't want to face him. I didn't want to show myself crying after him. 

"Sehun, go away." I ordered weakly, barely without my voice cracking.

"Jieun? Is everything okay?" He asked and turned me around. I stopped breathing when I saw his face. I saw those handsome features I hadn't forgotten even for a minute. Those feaures of his that haunted me every day and every night. He looked worried, worried for me. I didn't want him to do that, not anymore. He didn't deserve it. 

Sehun lifted his arms up and wiped away my continuous stream of tears with his thumbs. We made an short eye contact and then I realized what he was doing. He was touching me like when we were still together. Wiped my tears like nothing had happened between us.

Except everything happened.

We weren't us anymore. We hadn't seen each other in three years. He wasn't mine anymore, and I wasn't his anymore. I hadn't realized the touch at first, because it used to be so normal between us. But it shouldn't be, not anymore. I shifted away from his touch and he seemed shocked. Only then he realized what he had done and gave me a small heartbroken smile.

"I didn't even realize..." He murmured with sad eyes.

"Can't you just disappear?" I asked him suddenly. He was dumbfounded and didn't seem to understand what I was talking about. "Can't you just disappear from here?" I asked while placing my hand above my heart. "For three years you have given me hell. Can't you just disappear and give me peace, some happiness? How much more pain do I have to carry until it goes away? Can't you just disappear?" I asked him. I felt like an boxer that gave punches, punches that hit my own heart.

"What can I do for you?" Sehun asked desperately. He knew now that those apologizes in past weren't enough for me. They never were.

"Disappear. Stay away from my life. Take that with you and don't appear in front of me ever again." I said boldly, rebelling against my heart now that I had the chance. Heck, I even cursed. After that command, I ran away. I saw nothing because of these blinding tears, but I still ran. I only stopped outside and went to the small alley near the shop.

Once I was out of sight, I kneeled down to the ground and cried. I cried like it was the first time I had cried. I cried for my heart, I cried for the pitiful state I was in, I cried for the lost love. I cried and cried for everything I could think of. It started to rain, but I wasn't bothered by it.

I wouldn't have minded even if the lightning had struck me. Besides, crying in the rain was something I had done before. I just hadn't cried as desperately as now. As the tears started to stop, and I was only sobbing, the rain suddenly stopped.

It didn't really stop, I knew it. I still heard it. I heard how it hit the ground and formed those small puddles. I was right, when I glanced up and saw a smiling man with an yellow umbrella hold above my head. Then he kneeled in front of me.

We just stared each other, my eyes meeting his. For the first time in three years, I think my mind was clear of all thoughts. Under the yellow rainbow, under the magical rain, having an eye contact with him, the one that crept slowly towards my heart, Kim Suho.

"Seeing you like this makes me so thankful that you tried to help me." He started, never breaking the eye contact. "Lee Jieun, I think I love you." He said. I didn't answer him, I just stared at him quietly, knowing I looked pathetic. No... I didn't answer, because I really didn't know about my own feelings for him. "Jieun, now it's time to move on." He said. The umbrella above us dropped on the ground when he leaned closer to me. I felt the rain, the magical rain that changed everything.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I could hear my heart beating again.

Woah this was long ._. And dang, I cried even by myself and I'm the writer! Does that mean this was succesful? I don't know, so that's why I need your comments! Please do tell me your opinions freely, if you disliked it, it's okay, I can take critisism guys. Upvote if you think this was worthy~ I love you guys, let's meet with a new story again, alright? Thanks for reading! ^^ -nncckk1