♫

_________

Pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter. Raindrops slowly fell from the sky, tapping the window on their way down. An emotionless expression was plastered on my face as I stared out the long and wide windows of the warm coffee shop; watching as people rushed to find shelter, using whatever they had as a temporary hood. The enticing smell of coffee flew about the cute cafe; as endless chatter bounced off the walls, entering and leaving my ears in a second as I didn’t bother to pay attention.

My left hand held my head as my right hand automatically stirred my steaming coffee that was slowly losing its taste as I kept stirring it; now and again I bent my head in order to sip the spoon before sending it back into the cup. My current reading book - Looking for Alaska - was set facing down, holding my place in the book and my phone set down beside it, untouched.

It was a boring and moody winter day which meant it got dark early and cafes were packed with people sheltering from the horrible cold outside. It was hard enough finding a cafe without a cue that lead outside than finding a cafe that had a table open. Why am I here you ask? Simple; it was the place my boyfriend - sorry, fiance - asked me to be his girlfriend 5 years ago. We got engaged about a year ago and soon we were going to make us official.

Unfortunately, 5 months ago on this exact date, my fiance passed away. 5 months ago, I lost myself. I started to go crazy, refusing to accept the fact the love of my life was gone and all I had left was this baby he and I created that was still remaining in my stomach. 7 months into pregnancy and entering my third trimester, it wasn’t an easy task; especially without my fiance. As I thought everything went well, this had to happen and it tore my world apart. Even to this day I still couldn’t believe he passed away and I’m going to end up having to raise this child without a father. It hurts more as a mother than the child; my child won’t get to have boy time with his father, he won’t be able to be carried about on his father’s shoulders pretending to be an airplane. He won’t be able to have the same feeling as other kids will have, and what’s even more mournful is that my fiance isn’t going to be able to see our son grow up right in front of his eyes.

Tears gathered in my eyes, dripping slowly down my cheeks as I furiously wiped them away, sniffing before taking a large gulp of my coffee. Who knows how long I have waited to drink another cup of coffee as I tried to cut down on the amount of caffeine I’m taking in order to help my baby grow healthy and strong. I sighed, picking up my book and reading the rest of the chapter; unknowingly, tears fell once again down my eyes and this time I didn’t have the energy to wipe them away.

            I Need You.

            I slowly took my time to walk the small hill of the graveyard, breathing slowly as I tried to calm my beating heart from the sudden increase of walking. Pain started to hit my stomach and lower area as I continued walking, my hand was hurting from carrying such large flowers, but luckily a bench was nearby so I sat on it for a few minutes.

            I listened as the wind passed me, rustling the trees and nearby bushes, the sound beautifully entering my ears as I relaxed on the cold bench. The rain had stopped and soon the beautiful, pink/red mixture blob moved the depressing clouds out of the way and filled the sky, the sun saying it’s goodbyes for today. I stared out into the horizon; the place may not be very delightful and lively, but the scenery was over the top and extravagant - a to die for view. (haha no pun intended) Unintentionally, a small smile came across my face as I breathed the rich and pure smell of nature’s beautiful creations.

            Time passed quicker than expected and soon the sky turned into a dark shade of amethyst was now painted into the sky and I heaved myself up from the bench. I continued my journey towards the grave of my loved one.

            “Yeobo... I’m here...” my voice came out in a whisper. “It’s been 5 months since you passed away... I miss you.” the smile returned to my face. I set down the large bouquet of flowers beside the other small flowers.

            “I’m entering my third trimester, aren’t you happy for me? Two more months before this bad boy is born and you’ll be able to see our beautiful baby boy...” I took out a small handkerchief and wiped his gravestone clean from the dirt and the rain that gathered in the past month.

“How are you? Things are tiring for me because I did go into my third trimester, but I’m trying my best.” Tears slowly came into my eyes as I ran my hand back and forth on the gravestone. “I need you, yeobo. Things won’t be the same. I need you now.” The bundled up tears now fell like a waterfall, hitting the gravestone quietly like the raindrops did earlier in the cafe. I tried to muster up my voice to talk again, but it didn’t seem to work out, so I ended up sitting there for who knows when sobbing my heart out.

“Yeobo, I’m going now. It’s getting dark and it’s not safe for pregnant women to be out at this time,” I chuckled to myself. That’s something you’d say to me. I the gravestone one last time before giving it a long kiss. “See you in one month, yeobo. Take care till then.” I slowly walked away from the gravestone, my heart growing heavier with every step I took. I constantly threw glances back at the gravestone hoping for something to happen, but like usual it was the same old, unlively view of her flowers rustling because of the wind.

I Need You.

2 months past and the birth of my baby boy was successful. Everyone except him came to support me at the hospital, saying their proudness of how I stuck through the agony for hours alone. I smiled naturally thinking about what my fiance would be like if he was in with me during the birth. He probably would have screamed more than I have, struggling to calm me down and help with the pushing. I chuckled at the thought while carrying my newborn in my arms for the first time after it was born. After the baby came out, I was only awake for another hour or so before I fell asleep because of the pain medication and tiredness I received during it, so everyone had a chance to lift the boy before I could.

“What would you like to name your son, Ms. Kang?”

“...Kang Jihoo.” It was one of the names we decided together when I broke the news that he was going to be a dad. A sad smile grew as I continued to stare at the baby; the precious baby that is ours.

“Thank you Ms. Kang. Please rest, I will get the rest of the details sorted out now about your son; and, before I forget, congratulations on your baby, Ms.” The doctor bowed 90 degrees before leaving the room. The room was quiet and the heart machine was the only thing heard.

I couldn’t stop staring at my baby - he is already gorgeous and he’s only been alive for a few hours... Since this was my first child, it was even more emotional and shocking for me. Tears once again entered my eyes, my mouth agape as I slowly rocked him in my arms.

“Your dad would have been so happy and so proud, Jihoon-ah.” A faint voice came out of my mouth.

“Your dad would have loved you so much. He would cherish you and protect you, even if it costed his life.”

“Your dad would have been the best.”

I Need You.

“Omma!” a small boy aged 6 shouted as he jumped on the large double bed set in the back of my room far from the door. I groggily turned around, already awoken by the sudden noise of tiny footsteps running around outside my room. I grabbed Jihoon, pulling him closer to me as I threw the blanket over the both of us, darkness surrounding us at the speed of light. (oxymoron? lol) We both lay under the bedsheet in silent, before I switched on the flashlight from my phone and aimed it towards my face, shouting as soon as it reached my face and scaring my poor son but he laughed in joy.

“Again omma, again!” He excitedly moved around as I pecked his forehead, lifting the white sheet off of us and got off the bed. In the middle of stretching, Jihoon approached me from behind and poked my sides, immediately shooting my eyes open as I squealed.

“Aiyoo, Jihoon, how do you know about my weak spots?” I laughed as I lifted Jihoon in the air, spinning him around and dropping him quickly but not letting go of him.

“I always saw uncle poking you there, so I decided to try it out myself!” He cheekily grinned as he managed to get out of my grasp and run away.

“Yah, come back here!” I laughed louder as I chased my son around the house. This couldn’t have been any better.

We arrive at the graveyard still laughing and joking about hand in hand, Jihoon immediately breaking the sad atmosphere which I was beyond thankful about.

“Omma, why are we here?” The boy said as he ran towards his father’s grave.

“We’re going to say hello to your dad, Jihoon-ah.”

“But omma, we done this last month too.”

“Yes, correct, last month.” I laughed and ruffled his hair.

“Oppa! Annyeong! I brought someone special to us yet again, I’m pretty sure you haven’t forgotten our lovely son, Jihoon!” I smiled sweetly at my son, watching him as he respectfully bowed down to his father’s grave.

“Hello appa, I am your son Jihoon, please do not forget me.” He voice out with a serious face plastered on, making me laugh yet again.

“Oppa, how have you been?” I said, pouring hot water over the grave before wiping it down clean as Jihoon watered the flowers that bombarded the grave.

“We’ve been great, appa! Omma’s been very supportive of me because I started school! It’s still scary to me...” Jihoon pouted, taking the trait exactly from his own father.

“Ne, our Jihoon has been a very smart kid lately, so he deserves a lot of love,” I bent over and kissed Jihoon on the cheek.

“Omma, are you saying if I hadn’t of been smart, you wouldn’t give me any love?” he pouted even more, making me squirm at how cute he was and how he took after his father a lot.

“No, no, I’m saying that I am very proud and you are getting even more love, and even if you weren’t smart I would still give you twice as much!” I gently patted his back before arranging the flowers.

“We miss you yeobo, please watch down on us and give us lots of happiness. We love you.”

              I Need You Now.