“Hyung why can’t you look at me in the eye when we're talking? Did I do something to you that made you become like this towards me?”

“No, you haven't done anything. This has nothing to do with what you've done. But it’s what I’ve done, what I’m been thinking.”

“What is it? Tell me, I want to help you. I’ll do whatever it takes. Please just tell me I want us to be how we used to be.”

“I don’t think you understand. It’s about you; you're the reason why I can’t look at you. You’re the reason why I’m even more awkward around you than I am with the others.”

“What about me makes you feel like this?”

“Everything, from the sound of your voice to look on your face, everything makes me cringe.”

                Zelo looked down at his feet as he felt tears begin to pool at the corners of his eyes.  He nodded and proceeded to walk out of the room. YoungJae heard Daehyun ask Zelo what was wrong and he almost expected Zelo to tell him, but he didn’t he just said he had rubbed his eyes too hard and they began to water. He hadn’t meant to hurt Zelo’s feelings but it was true, his voice annoyed him and his height bothered him and his face bothered him the most, he always looked like a baby and everyone was always paying so much attention to him. In a way he was jealous of Zelo and how people treated him. Everyone in the group had their own specific thing that they were recognized for, but not him. He was announced as a main vocalist alongside Daehyun but he had stolen the entire spotlight without a second glace or even a thought of how YoungJae might have felt.

                He heard a knock on the door leading him out of his thoughts. He got up to answer the door and found Daehyun standing there with his stupid smile.

“Hey, can I talk to you?”

“Sure.”

“Do you know what’s wrong with Junhong. He said he rubbed his eyes really hard but I know he was crying. Do you know why?”

“No.”

“Oh, umm. When he comes back can you talk to him and try and find out what’s wrong?”

“No.”

“Why not? He’s your roommate.”

“Because I don’t care! I don’t care if he’s hurt I don’t care if he’s crying, he needs to learn to grow up and take care of himself, and he’s not a child anymore.”

“He’s our maknae, we have to take care of him.”

“I signed a contract to sing and perform not to babysit.”

“Fine, I’ll talk to him and find out what happened, but if this has anything to do with you then I’m telling Yongguk.”

“Tell him, then he’ll tell the CEO and what’ll he do. The worst he can do is revoke my contract and you know what I don’t care anymore.”

“What do you mean you don’t care anymore?”

“I don’t care. You get all the lines anyways, so what am I doing here anyways, no one needs here.”

                Youngjae had begun to cry and Daehyun just stood there facing him with concern written all over his face but also irritation. He had indirectly admitted to making Zelo and he had just said that he in a way wanted to leave the group. Not knowing what to do and feeling overwhelmed he left. He left in a hurry to go and try to find the other members. He found Himchan first, him barely getting home from his talk show. He told him to try and contact Zelo and he’d try and find Yongguk and Jongup. Daehyun called Yongguk first and told him to hurry back from the gym. Jongup had been with him so they had gathered everyone. Zelo was on his way back but wasn’t happy about it.

“Okay Daehyun you gathered us now why are we here? And where’s YoungJae?”

“He’s in his room.”

“Should we get him?”

“No. I want to talk to you guys about him. I went to talk to him after Zelo left in tears. I asked him if he knew what happened to him he told me he didn’t but then told me, indirectly that he was the reason Zelo was crying. And he also told me he didn’t care about Zelo and his feeling or really  about any of this anymore.”

“This? What do you mean by this?”

“The group. He said it didn’t matter if I told Yongguk and that it didn’t matter if he told the CEO, that the worst thing he could do was revoke his contract and he said he didn’t care.”

“Wait, is YoungJae hyung going to leave then?”

“I don’t know, but he said that I get all the lines and that he’s not needed here.”

“But we need him, right?”

                Everyone looked over at Jongup who had been asking all of the questions. Himchan looked at him before he talked.

“Not really.  Daehyun takes up most of the singing lines now. YoungJae only gets a few.”

“How could you say that? We need him. He’s not just some useless part that can be abandoned.”

“But, do we really need him JongUp? Do we really?”

“How would you feel if I said that about you when you broke your fingers during the One Shot promotions, ‘oh, we don’t need Himchan, we can do just fine without him, and we’ll just cover the few lines he has and rearrange the dance a little. We’ll be great he doesn’t even need to come back.’ HUH HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?”

                Everyone just looked at JongUp from his outburst. They’d only ever seen JongUp mad a few times and this was one of them. Everyone looked at Himchan waiting for his response but they all saw that what JongUp said had hit him; it hit him hard, because that’s exactly what they had done. They had covered the few lines he had and rearranged the dance and they performed like nothing happened. They had mentioned him during interviews so that people didn’t forget about him.  JongUp did have a point though, it wasn’t exactly the same as Himchan’s injury, this would be permanent, no turning back.

“That was harsh JongUp.”

“It’s true. While we worked our asses off covering for you, you were being stupid and ing around. Do you think that’s fair? And you know what? We did just fine. So if YoungJae leaves we’ll be told to do what we did when you were injured. Pretend like he was never here. Don’t mention him and just live life as if he was dead. And Daehyun, you of all people should be the one saying this, because you call him your best friend. What kind of best friend does this? You leave him in there by himself. Do you know what that does to a person? He tells you he pretty much doesn’t care about life and you leave him, and now you know what he probably feels more alone than before he told you because you walked away.”

                Daehyun just continues staring before averting his eyes to the ground. Jongup was right he had pretty much abandoned YoungJae to his thoughts and left him crying. He walked away when he was needed.

                The sound of the door opening brought everyone out of the trances and watched as YoungJae came out dressed and looking as if he was going out. His eyes were red and slightly swollen. He looked at everyone sitting in the living room and he just smiled at them before going into the kitchen. No one moved they just looked at his every move. When he got what he wanted he headed back to his room but stopped in the hallway and spoke.

“Can you guys keep it down; I’m going to make an important phone call.”

                Then he proceeded to walk into his room. The silence was deafening. No one moved, no one said anything. They all just stared at the door until Yongguk decided to speak up but nothing above a whisper.

“Daehyun, was he crying?”

“Yea. He started crying and I didn’t know what to do so I left him there and called you guys together.”

                                Before anyone could say anything the sound of Jongup’s hand coming in contact with Daehyun’s face resonated throughout the room. Zelo stared at him with shock, while Yongguk and Himchan just looked away like they hadn’t seen anything.  This was no longer about YoungJae leaving probable leave of the group, it had turned into Jongup realizing that everyone in the group was in it for themselves and that they didn’t actually care if someone left. Daehyun looked up at Jongup after recovering from the hit and looked at him with anger, but what he found in Jongup eyes scared him. He saw fear, sadness, emptiness, and disappointment. There were very little trances of anger; the most evident feeling within Jongup was disappointment.  And when he spoke his voice sounded void and tired.

“I thought we were supposed to become brothers and grow closer over time but you were all just in it for yourselves.  I guess YoungJae leaving would be a good thing; he wouldn’t have to be pushed back into the dim light while everyone else has their own spotlight. Maybe he’s right to leave and maybe I should leave too.”

“Hyung you can’t be serious? You can’t just choose to leave?”

“I didn’t choose. You all chose for me. Especially Daehyun and you Junhong. You are the one that started this whole thing.”

                               Junhong stayed quiet and watched as Jongup left the room and walked towards YoungJae’s room.

“They can’t leave; it’s only been six years since our debut. We have so much more to achieve.”

“Daehyun hyung, are you saying that truthfully or are you saying that in a selfish way. Do you really want them to stay or are you just being selfish and don’t want them to leave so that we can continue promoting without having the backlight of two members leaving.”

                               Yongguk and Himchan just stood and patted him on the back as they passed by him. They went into their respective rooms and only Junhong was there with him.  He stared at him as he sat across from him. He had a point. Did he really want them to stay or was he just being selfish.  Junhong stood and made his way to Himchan’s room. Now Daehyun was the one left alone.

                               YoungJae had been talking on the phone when he heard the sound of someone getting hit. He hung up the phone and went to his door and witnessed the rest of the argument. Before Jongup turned around he closed his door and went to lie on his bed. Not a minute later he heard someone knock on his door. Jongup’s head popped in and asked if it was okay to talk to him. He just nodded and allowed him to enter. He walked in and sat at the foot of the bed his back turned to YoungJae.

“Are you leaving? The group I mean.”

“I don’t know.”

“Please don’t. I need you here.”

“You don’t need me, none of you need me.”

“I don’t know about them but I need you. Even if you’re tired you still listen to me when I want to talk to you about something. You’re always there for me when I need you. When I get sick you look after me making sure that I’m always comfortable and smiling. 90% of the time that I smile is because of you, you make me happy.”

                               Youngjae heard his words and sat up and just looked at his back. He didn’t know what to say or even if he should say something. So instead of saying anything he crawled towards Jongup and hugged him from behind. He buried his face in between his shoulder blades and inhaled his scent. He could smell his sweat from him being at the gym earlier but it wasn’t overbearing. His arms rested on Jongup stomach and he felt as Jongup caress his hands.

“You didn’t have to hit him. You didn’t have to say any of that to them.”

“You heard?”

“I’ve been listening pretty much the whole time you guys have been talking.  If I leave you can’t leave.”

“Why not, it’ll be my own choice.”

“Because they actually need you.”

“They’ll have Junhong.”

“What about your fans?”

“What about them. What about yours?”

“They’ll forget about me and love one of you guys.”

“Don’t say that.”

                               Jongup turned around to face YoungJae as he sat cross-legged. He took YoungJae’s face in his hands and began his cheeks with his thumbs. He let out a small laugh as he did so. But his laugh soon turned bitter.

“What?”

“I remember when we first debut your cheeks were my favorite part of you. They used to be so big and fluffy. I always wanted to pinch them and just play with them in general. But then the company made you lose weight for our promotion and you still had them but they got smaller and smaller and now they’ve even sunken in. It’s just I liked them better fluffy.”

“I’m sorry my cheeks aren’t as fun to play with anymore. Are my cheeks not your favorite part anymore?”

“No.”

“Then what is?”

                               Instead of saying anything Jongup leaned in and pressed his lips against Youngjaes. He felt how Youngaje’s hands went up to push him away but for some reason he didn’t and instead he griped his shirt and pulled him closer.  They kissed pulling away once in a while for air. When he went in for another kiss YoungJae stopped him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Why? Why’d you kiss me?”

“You asked me what my favorite part of you was, it’s your lips and I needed to kiss you at least once in my life, even if it means you hate me now.”

“I don’t hate you. I just don’t feel that way towards you.”

“I know you don’t.”

                               Jongup let go of YoungJae and looked down at his lap. He began to play with his hands as the silence grew longer. He felt Youngjae shift on the bed and he looked up to see that he was now lying down with his head next to Jongups thigh. Jongup felt YoungJae’s arm go around his waist and tug at it.

“Lie down with me. I can’t return your feelings but I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It’s fine, you can just ignore them. You don’t have to treat me differently just because you know how I feel now. I was always happy with the little things that we did.”

“I can’t just ignore them. Maybe one day I’ll be able to return them, but just right now I can’t.”

                               Jongup nodded. They faced each other and YoungJae began running his hands through Jongup’s hair.  He felt how it was dried up from all the different dyes and heat tools used on it. But even then it was still soft. He moved down and rested his hand on his neck and just thumbed behind Jongups ear for a bit. He saw Jongup shiver slightly at the motion but he still smiled. They stayed in the position until YoungJae pulled Jongup closer to him and had him rest his head on his chest. He felt Jongup inhale his scent and in a way it tickled but it felt nice. He could feel Jongup’s arm grazing his back going up and down slowly in a soothing motion.

“Promise me you won’t leave.”

“I can’t.”

“Then if you do you can’t stop me from leaving with you.”

“You don’t have to leave.”

“Neither do you.”

                               YoungJae just brought him in closer and he buried his face in the mob of hair. YoungJae’s breathing evened out and he fell asleep. Jongup remained in his hold. Jongup didn’t mind though. He liked being in his arms, in a way being held by YoungJae gave him some sort of hope that one day he’ll reciprocate his feelings even if he knew that it was most likely not going to ever happen.  He held him as close as possible before falling asleep himself.

                               Junhong had gone to Himchan’s room not wanting to go to his shared room with YoungJae. He knew that he had started all of this in a way. It was his fault that Jongup had hit Daehyun and it was his fault that Jongup even considered leaving the group.  When he’d gone to YoungJae to talk to him he didn’t expect for him to say those things and it just got to him. He began crying without really needing to. YoungJae could have his own opinion about everyone but it hurt knowing that his own bandmate felt that way about him. But then after listening to Daehyun talk about how YoungJae told him his feelings and he just left him there crying he felt angered that although he had cried not to long before, he was the one that chose to leave and not bother someone with his tears but YoungJae had put his vulnerability out there in front of Daehyun to do what he wished and Daehyun had just walked away.  He hurt him even more than what he already felt.  He sat in Himchans room with him just staring off at the wall. Once night fell he decided that he need to go back to him room to at least get a change of clothes if he wasn’t going to sleep in his room that night.

                               When he knocked on the door he didn’t get an answer so he just opened the door and found YoungJae and Jongup sleeping on Youngjae’s bed. They were holding onto one another like their life depended on it.  He walked closer to them and was surprised to find fresh tears on Jongup’s cheeks. He was asleep for sure but he was crying in his sleep. Junhong knew of his feeling towards YoungJae and he had acted upon them earlier. The news of YoungJae’s potential departure must have been so hard for him to even wrap his head around. He pulled his own blanket off of his bed and put it on them. He got his clothes and left the room. But before he left the room he looked back to them and whispered.

“Hyung I hope you get to tell him how you feel and I hope he makes you happy.”

                               Jongup had told Junhong about his feelings towards YoungJae, it was a onetime thing he had told him and it wasn’t mentioned afterwards. But the small knowledge had Junhong constantly observing Jongup and how he treated YoungJae much better than he did everyone else. He’d feel a sense of warmth every time Jongup smiles because of something YoungJae did for him. In  a way he was jealous of Jongup for gaining feelings like that for someone but then other times he felt bad for him because what made him happy was so close yet so far. He was always in touching range but he could never touch him and be happy about it, he’d always have to think of if his feelings were showing if anyone had noticed his small actions. Junhong didn’t understand the feeling so he asked Yongguk about it one day. He told him it was as if Junhong’s love for dancing was there and he knew everything that he had to do and he could dance as much as he wanted but it was never enough because he thought it was never enough and in the end he ended up hating it.  Afterwards Junhong would look at Jongup with sadness evident in his eyes because Jongup could never obtain a certain amount of affection from YoungJae that he wanted so dearly.

                               As Junhong showered and got ready for bed he heard the bathroom door open. He peeked out of the curtain to see who it was and saw Daehyun grabbing a band aid from the first aid kit.

“How’d you cut yourself?”

“Knife. I was cutting an apple.”

“Maybe you should eat them like a normal adult instead of a child.”

“You have no right to talk to me like that.”

“You have no right to dehumanize YoungJae’s feelings.”

“Excuse me?”

                               Junhong turned off the water and grabbed his towel and wrapped it around his waist before leaving the shower. He stood in front of Daehyun staring at him in a menacing manner.

“When I left the apartment crying it was because I didn’t want to bother anyone with my feelings but YoungJae he let you see him bewildered and you just left him. You know what you said to him by doing that? You said ‘it’s fine leave, I don’t need you, and none of us need you’.”

“What was I supposed to do?”

“Hug him; take care of him until he felt better. And you know what you didn’t just hurt YoungJae, you hurt Jongup. That’s as low as you could go. He’s always so happy to be around us and doing what he loves and he thinks of us as family and you betrayed him.”

“Why did I betray him? Because I left his boyfriend crying. Why wasn’t he here to comfort him? Huh?”

                               Junhong’s face turned from anger to sadness. His voice came out small afterwards.

“Do you know how hard it is for him to keep his feelings to himself? YoungJae’s so close to him, he can be with him every single day if he wants to but not in the sense that he wishes. He has to restrict himself from showing his feelings. Do you even know how long he’s been in love with him? Do you know how much pain he hides from all of us? He’s always smiling and laughing so we won’t worry over him. He’s gotten so good at faking his smiles that sometimes even I can’t tell which ones are real and which ones aren’t.”

                               Junhong stopped himself as he saw Daehyun backing away from him. He had his eyes downcast and he began to fiddle with his hands.

“I didn’t know.”

“Of course you didn’t, no one does. He told me about his feeling towards YoungJae by accident.”

“How long ago was that?”

“Five years ago.”

                               Daehyun looked up with a surprised look engraved into his eyes.

“But YoungJae dated that girl.”

“I know, we all know, and I was the one having to look at Jongup so upset and not being able to do anything. He’s had his heart broken so many times because of YoungJae but he still loves him. He’s so selfless that it’s almost borderline stupid.”

                               They heard footsteps coming down the hall and stopped talking. They went panicked and Junhong tried looking as normal as possible while Daehyun packed up the first aid kit and put it away.

“I told you I was fine Junhong. I just want YoungJae to be happy even if it means that I’m not there.”

                               Junhong and Daehyun looked towards the door to see Jongup rubbing his eyes. Daehyun stared at him in shock and then let his words sink in. Junhong was right his selflessness was borderline stupid. He didn’t know where it came from but the words he spoke shocked even him.

“Why don’t you fight for him?”

“Why fight when you know you’re going to lose.”

“How do you know you’re going to lose if you don’t try?”

“Because I’ve tried and I’ve failed, I can’t win over YoungJae; I’m not what he wants he doesn’t even like men. He like’s small petite women that know how to cook and clean and that are cute and will love him unconditionally. The only thing that I have to offer him is my love and that’s not enough.  He said that maybe in the future he’d return my feelings but it’s not going to happen.  I know because you can’t just change what you like in a person, and I’m not what he wants.”

                               Jongup had started crying halfway through and his words progressively got louder as his body started to shake. Junhong went up to him and wrapped his arms around him letting him cry into his chest.  Daehyun just stood there looking at him. Yongguk had heard Jongup’s voice from his room and went to see what was happening and when he reached the bathroom he saw Jongup crying and Junhong cradling him. And lastly he saw Daehyun just standing there.

“Haven’t you done enough damage today?”

                               Daehyun stared at Yongguk in disbelief. He tried to protest but he wasn’t having any of it and just held his hand up to shut him up and told him to go to his room. Daehyun left and went to his room. Yongguk took Jongup from Junhong’s hold and told him to get dressed. He took Jongup into the living room and sat down on the couch and having Jongup sit on his lap so he could cradle him. Himchan had come out to see what was going on after being woken up by all the noise.

“Jonguppie? What’s wrong? Please tell me so I can fix it and so we can have our smiling angel back. I miss your smile. It hasn’t even been a day and I already miss it. Come on. Won’t you tell me how I can make you smile again?”

                               Jongup just stayed on Yongguk’s lap listening to his words as he continued to cry. He held onto him and he felt Yongguk rub his hands up and down in a soothing manner to try and calm him down. When he finally decided to speak his voice came out small, weak and almost pleading.

“Please make him stay. I can’t be apart from him, let me be selfish this one time and make him stay. If he leaves I’ll leave.”

                               Yongguk continued to rub his hands across Jongup’s back to comfort him. He kissed the top of his head murmuring into his hair.

“I’ll try.”

                               Jongup clung to him even more. Himchan looked at them from the hallway and YoungJae behind him. He’d woken up when Jongup left and heard everything from the conversation in the bathroom till now. He didn’t realize how much he’d hurt Jongup without even meaning to.  He looked down and walked back to his room. Jongup was right he wasn’t going to return his feeling at any point in time; he’d only said it to comfort him. He felt horrible putting the younger in so much pain. And seeing how he pleaded to Yongguk only made him want to leave even more. He wanted to run away he didn’t want to see Jongup hurt so much.

                               Himchan walked after YoungJae into his room. He didn’t bother knocking he just walked in. He saw YoungJae sitting siting on his bed just staring at a picture of the six of them that hung on the wall. He glanced over at Himchan before going back to looking at the picture.

“I’ve ruined everything, haven’t i?”

“No, no, of course not.”

“Don’t lie. Everyone is going against Daehyun for leaving me and now Jongup is a mess because I rejected him. It just makes me want to leave even more. If I wasn’t put into the group you would have all been fine.”

“That’s not true, we need you.”

                               YoungJae smiled a bittersweet smile at him.

“No, you don’t.”

                               Himchan was about to protest but stopped seeing how YoungJae left no room for argument.

“So you are leaving?”

“Yea. I guess I am.”

“When?”

“As soon as our contracts end.”

“That’s only a month away.”

“I know. It’s enough time for me to pack everything and find a place to live.”

“When are you going to tell everyone else?”

“I’m not. And neither are you. I just won’t show up when everyone else renews their contract. By the time that everyone else notices I’ll be gone. I’ll tell the CEO my decision before then so he won’t be expecting me.”

“Are you sure you want to do this. I mean you hear what Jongup asked Yongguk.”

“I can’t keep hurting him. God knows how long he’s felt this way towards me. And according to what I heard coming from the bathroom it’s been a long time. If I stay I’ll just keep hurting him because I can’t return his feelings.”

“And if… when you leave-“

“He won’t be able to revoke his contract because by the time he notices I’ll be gone. He’ll have to move on and find someone that can actually return his feelings and make him happy.”

“You make him happy.”

“No, I hurt him.”

                               Himchan just stood there looking at YoungJae in disbelief. Earlier that day YoungJae leaving was only a mere possibility now it was for sure and he was the only one that knew and he had to harbor it to himself. He didn’t know what to do so he just sat on Junhongs bed facing the picture that YoungJae had been staring at. It was a Polaroid that they had taken four years prior. They all looked so happy with life and their lives.

“Hyung?”

“Hmm?”

“What happened to those people in the picture for them to become who we are right now, in this moment?”

“Life. Life ed us over after giving us great memories that’ll haunt us for the rest of our lives weather we want them to or not.”

                               YoungJae wanted the good memories to stick with him and the rest to disappear. He knew that that day would never disappear from his mind no matter how hard he tried. It’s the day he chose to leave his brothers behind and move on with his life.

                               In the end Yongguk couldn’t keep his promise to Jongup and YoungJae still left.  Himchan was the only one that knew of his departure and cried himself to sleep sometimes.  Daehyun continued to feel as if it was his fault that YoungJae left. Junhong much like Daehyun felt as if it was his fault, he tried finding YoungJae to apologize for anything that he’d done but it was as if YoungJae had disappeared off the face of the earth.    Jongup though, he had it the worst. When they came home and everything was somehow related to YoungJae was gone he broke down. He cried endlessly and Himchan just held him as tightly as he could not even trying to comfort him, he just let him cry. Jongup stopped smiling, laughing, and stopped living.  He would work and do all the tasked that he was asked but he wasn’t alive. He began seeing a therapist, he was put on anti-depressants. He was fine for a while then he tried to kill himself. He was put on suicide watch at a hospital. When he was deemed ‘normal’ again they released him.

                               A year after YoungJae’s departure Jongup killed himself. He had taken all of his anti-depressants at once. The others were too late. He didn’t live and they had to announce it to the world that at the ripe age of 23 Moon Jongup was dead. At his funeral a lonesome figure showed up after everyone else had left.  On his grave he put a Polaroid of six guys that were full of happiness and full of life. He looked up to the sky and a whisper left his lips.

“I’m sorry for leaving you, I hope you’re smiling now.” 

I honestly hate myself so much for writing this. I cried so much while writng the ending to this and having NELL  play in the background as i write was probably not a good ideal since their songs generally have a sadder tone to them.

Comment if you liked it or if you hate me now for writing this (it's okay i hate myself).