“Kyungsoo, why can’t you save me?”

The voice echoed through darkness as nothing more than a whisper. The once bright and familiar voice reduced to a weak exhalation of breath as it reached for Kyungsoo over the gorge that time had carved arduously; deepening with each year that passed.

“Jongin” he whispered

A scene of pure white flashed in front of him hazily as the morning sun drifted through pale curtains. Kyungsoo watched him, draped over a chair, staring into the garden and inhaling the sweet scent of lavender that wafted in with the crisp cool breeze. Jongin turned his face to him, smiling.

Darkness. The scene ended as quickly as it had appeared before him. Tears stung Kyungsoo’s eyes, they would’ve blurred his vision had he been able to see anything in the first place. An all too familiar pain tore at his chest and the wave of nostalgia almost caused him throw up. His head spun and he seemed to float, losing all direction of up and down, left or right. He didn’t want to get lost in here.

“Come back” Kyungsoo called quietly, desperately, hoping the beautiful image of Jongin would return.

“Save me” Jongins voice called, trembling as though he would cry

He was so far away, why was he drifting further?

“I can’t” Kyungsoo’s voice broke as tears spilled from his blinded eyes

Jongin screamed now; a pertified screech that tore across the invisible gorge and straight through Kyungsoo’s heart

“SAVE ME”

***

Kyungsoo jerked awake, gasping for air as though the dream had near drowned him. A painful ache throbbed in his rapidly beating heart that held the remnants of Jongin’s fearful cry. Kyungsoo clawed uselessly at his chest in frustration, ripping his shirt in the process, wishing – not unlike any other time he’d woken from this dream – that he could rip his heart out. Breath still shaky, he stilled himself to let his nerves calm whilst he lay drenched in a cold sweat, a thin sheen on his skin that made the room parched of moisture seem suddenly humid.

Sitting up slowly he removed the torn grey shirt and stared down at the blood that had stained it from his last attempt to save Jongin. His mind flashed back to the dark alleyway and the boy that died in his arms, afraid and cold. Kyungsoo’s teeth clenched, balling a fistful of the shirt in anger. Anger at himself. As of late he wasn’t at angry at anyone but himself, not the world, not Fate, not Tao, not Jongin.

Never Jongin.

He told himself that he could find a way to make him live, he had promised. A promise he had failed to keep thus far.

Every time, he would die. He would die on a Tuesday. The 25^th of August, 2002. 8:23pm.

He stood as sadness washed over him, dousing his anger. He dragged his feet as he ambled out of his room and to the fireplace in his living room, turning on the gas before throwing a match in, shortly followed by his blood-stained shirt. He didn’t spare a glance at his clothing as flames at the fabric, disinterested in the fire. He decided he was too hungry for that. Kyungsoo stretched and dragged his feet into the kitchen.

Digging through his fridge and cabinets he came to the conclusion he really needed to go out and buy ingredients. He settled for steamed rice, figuring it was filling enough. He sat down at his empty table and stared at the calendar hanging from the wall ahead of him.

25^th of August.

He had some errands to run today.

***

 Shuffling out of the store with his groceries, Kyungsoo wandered down the street to a small florist. He knew the shop well. Surprisingly, he recognised the florist working and she seemed to remember him.

“Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo locked his wide eyes with hers. But his lips were frozen. What was he supposed to say?

“It’s been a while” she said, offering a small smile

“Yeah” he mumbled, “it’s been a long time”

Silence ensued and awkwardness hung thick between the two for a while as thought raced over what could be said without bringing up any trace of the past

“Well, uh, you know, take a look around” she forcibly chuckled, “we still have all the flowers you love”

Kyungsoo nodded and let his eyes run over the flowers that filled the store; luscious and vibrant colours, elegant petals and exotic flowers. He remembered loving this store and its flowers.

He left empty-handed.

After returning home and putting away his groceries he found himself in his garden. It was unkempt and overgrown with weeds and wildflowers, long grass stretching across the ground and up walls and fences. Stepping into the wild flora, Kyungsoo began to pick away. Picking all the wildflowers Jongin had loved and all the colours that reminded Kyungsoo of him. He picked the soft colours and tiny bells shapes, the little cups and daisies that reminded him of Jongin’s smile, his skin, his soft hair and the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed.

Kyungsoo stared down at the mix of wild flowers and multitude of colours, shapes and sizes. Spindly little stalks and vines held the small bunch together like a bunch of flowers a child would pick for someone they cared about; unruly and mismatched but earnest and genuine in their intent.

Just like Jongin, Kyungsoo thought.

Content with the bunch he head out again. He walked slowly, not feeling particularly rushed. On most days his head would buzz with thoughts and be invaded by memories and worries  of the past, present and future, but once a year, on this very walk he would walk without worry. So he took his time, his mind silent and solemn. Now was not a time to worry.

His body was numb and his legs walked the memorised path mindlessly. Sun shone overhead, the skies only blemished by a few wisps of clouds and a cool breeze ruffled Kyungsoo’s hair. He found himself at the gate of the cemetery all too soon. The reminder hit him hard, no matter the years that had passed. He walked under the shade and dappled sunlight of the aged oaks that lined the isles of tombstones. It was peaceful here.

|Here lays Kim Jongin|

Kyungsoo knelt before the headstone, laying his bunch of flowers before it, merely staring and breathing, completely blank.

“I’m trying” Kyungsoo whispered

What more was there to say? There was only so much one-sided conversation he could tolerate in over a decade. He felt the weight building up on him, like a giant standing on him, crushing his body into the earth. He had stopped struggling to get up long ago.

He sat back and slouched in front of Jongin’s grave. He stared and waited, as though he expected him to jump out of nowhere and push him over, laughing like an idiot over some great prank he had pulled. He would tell it was a joke, take him home, tell him he was sorry, he had missed him, things would go back to normal.

Kyungsoo hadn’t noticed the old lady standing a few metres away from him.

“Were you and... Jongin close?” she asked, squinting at the headstone as though trying to confirm she had read the name right

“Yeah” Kyungsoo said meekly before clearing his throat and repeating himself more clearly

She offered a small smile and patted the headstone she was standing by, “Jiyong and Iwere close too. We met in university” she said, her eyes bright at the memory

Kyungsoo envied her happiness. He imagined the dead look in his eyes at the mention of Jongin. He forced a tight smile onto his face

“Me and Jongin met at a pet store” he deadpanned

The old lady chuckled and hobbled closer, “that is the voice of a man who wallows in death and doesn’t appreciate the life that came before”

Was that what he had become? Too obsessed with Jongin’s death to move on? His eyes fell to the floor, the weight crushing him more than ever before. He didn’t know how to move on. He couldn’t. His breathing hitched as he held back a sob. He shook his head at the old lady

“You don’t understand, he wasn’t ready, he was too young” Kyungsoo reasoned with a shaky voice

The lady came closer and placed a hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, her eyes softening at the strained expression on his face, “it’s ok, you can cry”

Kyungsoo clenched his teeth and shook his head. He wouldn’t. He never did. But it wasn’t enough to keep tears from rolling down his cheeks and strangled sobs from escaping from behind his teeth. His body shook as the lady soothed him.

“I miss him” he wept between deep breaths and sobs

It was the first time he had openly acknowledged that he missed him, that Jongin’s death had affected him in such a way; it had hit him ten times harder this time. And he missed him. He missed him so much.

***

Arranging the crimson roses to his satisfaction and set the vase in the centre of the table. He stood back and admired the flowers, the lush green stalk and the soft petals that had peeled themselves back and given full bloom to the roses.

“Why do you like those roses so much?” Jongin asked, knees hugged against his chest and he perched on a chair.

“Because they look cool” Kyungsoo replied bluntly

“What about some daisies? And those little purple flowers that grow at the edge of the park sometimes?”

Kyungsoo scrunched his nose, “daisies and wildflowers?”

“yeah”

Kyungsoo chuckled, “why them?”

Jongin rested his cheek on his knee and thought, “because they’re soft like the grass and smell nice. They don’t have thorns like roses and there are lots of them, so you can fill up your vase all the time if you go and pick them”

“But they’re tiny wouldn’t look like 20% flower and 80% stalk?”

Jongin sighed and smiled wistfully, “there’s always a ‘but’, isn’t there? Come on, we’re going for a drive”

***

Blindfolded, Kyungsoo listened to the sound of strange birds, the crunch of dry leaves underfoot and rustle of foliage that he assumed Jongin was pushing out of the way for him whilst he described what was around him.

“There’s a lot of bushes but they aren’t very dense or scratchy, but I’m moving them anyway. There’s a lot of dead leaves underneath us because we’re walking under some big trees. But it is sunny, the sky is clear except for a few wispy clouds, wait until we get out of this shade, you’ll see. Wait. You won’t”

Kyungsoo chuckled, enjoying this little trip and the sound of Jongin’s voice. “Keep talking” he whispered

Jongin hummed, “well, the trees will end soon and you’ll feel the sun, there’s also a cool breeze, but you probably already felt that” Jongin said, laughing at himself

And he was right, soon the trees gave way to the sky and Kyungsoo felt it’s warmth, the cool breeze stronger now that the trees didn’t shield him.

“We’re here” Jongin said, stopping Kyungsoo, “take off your shoes”

Kyungsoo scrunched up his face trying to show his distaste as best he could, unable to make use of his signature death stare

“Don’t be gross, unlike you I would like to keep my feet clean” Kyungsoo said

“Don’t be a baby” Jongin groaned, an eye-roll evident in his voice

Kyungsoo didn’t have time to respond before having his feet knocked from under him, landing on his , his shoes and socks were swiftly removed whilst he yelled and nursed his sore backside

“What the hell Jongin?!” Kyungsoo practically screeched as he reached for his blindfold

Firm hands stopped him and helped him up – no – lifted him up, slung over Jongin’s shoulder.

“Put me down!” Kyungsoo growled indignantly

Jongin chuckled, “Alright then, if you insist”

“No wai-”

Kyungsoo’s feet were planted on the ground, toes curling like an infant who had encountered grass for the first time. Slowly, he realised it wasn’t so bad. What he had expected to be mud and dirt felt more like soft and springy grass. Although surprised by the sensation, his toes unfurled and settled into the grass and even deeper to the soil beneath. What he was before deterred by became welcoming, the earth was cool and fine and moulded to the any shape pressed into it

“Not so bad, is it?” Jongin laughed

Kyungsoo smiled, “Yeah, yeah, shut up you were right, I was wrong, etcetera, etcetera”

“As I thought” Jongin said smugly, taking Kyungsoo’s hand, “walk with me”

“What about my blindfold?”

“Patience, I want you to have the best view”

Kyungsoo followed silently, taking delight in the texture of the grass wiry bed of roots and stalks as he padded forth, led only by Jongin’s hand. Soon the hand went from being interlaced with his own to sliding to his shoulder and stopping him. Wordlessly, effortlessly, fingers unbound the blindfold and let it fall to his feet.

At first, it was too bright. Kyungsoo’s eyes were too slow to adjust to the sudden light and all that could be seen for him was a blur of colour melding with a wide blue sky with no discernible line separating it from the earth. But with time, a picture painted itself before his eyes – a sea of intense purple and pale orange that blanketed the deep green of undulating hills extending into the horizon.

“Where are we?” Kyungsoo breathed

Jongin shrugged, suddenly nonchalant, “nowhere”

“We should go to nowhere more often” Kyungsoo smiled, sitting down in the middle of the floral ocean

Jongin lay beside him, staring into the sky

“There aren’t many clouds to look at” Kyungsoo commented

“I wasn’t looking for them” Jongin smiled, turning to him, “I wouldn’t want to get lost up there; I have to stay grounded for you”

“And I keep you grounded?” Kyungsoo asked as he looked down into Jongin’s dreamy gaze

“Of course, and I keep you grounded”

Kyungsoo chuckled, “right, where would I be without you?”

Jongin turned back to the sky, suddenly looking distant

“You’d be lost”

I apologise for my constant hiatuses which seem to be constantly occuring but never announced TT its been a very long time but I sort of need this break, either way this chapter came out a bit longer, so do enjoy!